Mary Massacre is part of Double Nugget, first performed by Random Accomplice at the Tron Theatre, Glasgow on 14 February 2012.
Mary Massacre intertwines the stories of LEYLA and Jenny: two disappointed women from Glasgow. LEYLA describes herself as ’30…ish’. All her friends are married and she feels her biological clock ticking over: internet dating seems like the answer. In this monologue, LEYLA describes (for the audience) one of her less-than-successful attempts to meet up with a man she has met online.
Online dating is slightly weird. You’ve only got their picture to go on, of course that’s assuming it is an actual picture of themselves. That and the profile description. I mean it’s not like you can hear them. They could look like David Beckham but they might have a voice to match.
…
What first attracted me to Mark was his punctuation. He knew his commas, knew the difference between the three theres. He even spelt accommodation correctly.
I felt it was cyber-destiny.
He was 35, worked in Managerial Consultancy and lived in Troon.
Now there are rules to meeting strangers.
If you’re in any way unsure I’d suggest a bit of research at www.kissmegoodnight.com forward slash 30 plus and gagging for a man.
Meet somewhere public and well-lit. I opted for the art gallery in Glasgow – the website felt that ‘visual stimulus was a real opportunity for love to blossom.’ I also did a bit of research re. what paintings would be there so I could show off a wee bit and look knowledgeable. ‘Oh Mark! A Beryl Cook – do you know she died? Terrible loss. Victoria Wood’s a fan, you know! Calls them Rubens with jokes.’ Makes me look cultured.
Mark told me he would be wearing a black suit with red tie. I thought it a good sign that he knew what he’d be wearing in advance, shows decisiveness, and I like that in a man.
I, obviously, didn’t have a clue on my outfit so I told him to look out for a leggy brunette with a dazzling personality. I thought he might have laughed at that, instead he asked if I would be wearing a jacket. Depends on the weather I said.
…
A disaster is probably the best way to describe him, it. As soon as I saw Mark I thought – this just won’t do. This just isn’t me. It was his eyes – the way he looked at you made you feel uneasy. Like he was looking just a bit too closely. Janice said that was because he was boss-eyed. Oh that’s the other thing about a blind date – always have a friend on standby. Someone waiting at another end of the art gallery to ring your mobile with a fake emergency.
No point wasting time. Babies to be made, houses to be bought.