Conclusion

History will remember Jim Obergefell and John Arthur as the gay couple who changed the history of marriage in the United States. But Jim Obergefell saw it differently, preferring instead to think of himself as a fortunate man who managed to fall in love and stay in love, for many years. This is the irony for many people in same-sex relationships: while being gay might be their most distinguishing feature as a couple, at least in the eyes of a heteronormative society, it is not their most pressing concern, or their greatest accomplishment, or the force that sustains them.

For most couples, gay or straight, sexual orientation is a given, and their real day-to-day responsibilities consist of keeping promises, avoiding petty arguments, and figuring out ways to stay close and connected. As they do so, partners often wonder about whether their personalities are compatible, how much they should trust each other, why one of them has such low self-esteem, or why they both tend to shut down emotionally at the very moment when they need each other’s help the most. Insights into issues like these can be found in personal histories and earliest caregiving relationships, the topic we turn to next.