6. Living is an Embodied Experience

Our body functions like a polygraph. We are continuously responding to people and places…we do this normally. If we do not feel safe, our polygraph is on high, we are in a chronic state of evaluation and defensiveness.

Dr Stephen Porges

Dr Porges suggests that humans require constant interaction with others in order to develop and optimize their potential. Smiles, eye contact and laughter are all social and safety cues that work to make us feel safe with the people we are around. This is as much a physical process as an emotional one. Physically when we receive a cue, a smile, a frown, our bodies respond. If we feel secure our cortisol (stress hormone) may go down, our dopamine (calm hormone) may go up, we may breathe more slowly. If we feel unsafe, the opposite may occur.

These social cues elicit a biochemical response in our bodies that gets our bodies moving in a certain direction. This is all very subtle so we don’t really notice it happening. It is subliminal, not something we consciously notice, but our bodies are constantly responding to each other. They are picking up messages and communicating all the time.

Living is an embodied experience. We experience the world through our bodies just as much as our minds. We are continually transmitting cues to each other’s nervous system, and we are continuously assessing our environment, our world, for safety. Dr Porges suggests that we are like human polygraph machines; we evaluate the social environment and make the necessary behavioural adjustments. Often, we can relax and settle in to the occasion as we have learnt how.

The difference with autists is that their polygraphs are switched on high most of the time. They are generally in a constant scanning mode – checking for safety – but have not learnt to read the environment well. Autists have not learnt to read social cues appropriately and have not learnt to give out social cues. They do not easily smile or make appropriate facial gestures to calm people down.

It is normal for most people to operate with these cues. We need cues to understand our world, and we have receptors in our bodies that read and respond to these cues. Dr Porges calls these cues ‘feature detectors’. Our vagal system – 80 per cent of which is sensory – is designed to respond to these cues and we unconsciously expect them from one another. We feel safe in an environment that gives out the appropriate cues and we like people who give us cues that make us feel good. Physically our sympathetic nervous system is soothed by safe cues from people.

At a subliminal, physical level our need for these positive cues has to be met. We know who we are and we feel safe when we feel well met. When we do not receive them we can feel unsafe. When people don’t give us these cues we can feel betrayed, insulted, threatened, unloved and uncared for, because we need them in order to feel secure – at a subliminal level. We can feel disengaged and emotionally disconnected from the person without them, and we can go into our own heightened state of FFI.

Dr Porges suggests that as it is a subliminal activity, we can be unaware that this is what is happening or why we are feeling this way. He says that, as a society generally, we want to blame the person who is not emitting well – we view them as cold; we find it hard to trust them; we see them as mean, uncaring or stupid. The interpretation of the person’s motivation is often negative. They are not to be trusted, something feels ‘wrong’. If people were nice, they would smile, or laugh or look you in the eye.

Often we do not think further than this, we just listen to our automatic assessment. The trouble with autists is that they don’t emit well, because they can’t. Often they have gone into Immobilization, into shutdown mode, which is for them a very normal response. They may be feeling hungry, distressed, or anxious – not at all mean or uncaring, just switched off.

This can account for some of the bullying of autists in schools and other places. Having these cues met is a physical need, and when this is missing it is hard to feel comfortable. This is especially true for children (or adults) who might, for their own reasons, have their polygraph on high, and are also sensitive to their environment. The bullying of autists that occurs may be a way of others coping with the withdrawal of these cues. People rely on positive cues to feel safe.

Teaching ourselves and others to be aware of this can make a huge difference to how we respond to autists and can help us to take care of ourselves when we are feeling replete. It can also make a huge difference to the autist to understand that this is how others feel.

Be kind to yourself.

Make sure you make time for you.

Remember you have a sympathetic system too!

Take time out for a walk, or to ring a friend.

Ask someone over for a hug.

Be mindful that your needs matter

and that your autist can’t necessarily meet them.

Taking care of yourself

engages your parasympathetic system,

and gives you grace.