As my Teacher and I continue to travel through the magnificence of this place, I see a woman with beautiful wings on her back, obviously an angel. She is tending a garden, not with water or fertilizer, but with love that I feel emanating from her. She extends her arms, sending out love and light to the plants. As the light reaches the flowers, their colors intensify like the brightest rainbow I’ve ever seen. The grass beyond the garden is a vivid green, perfectly manicured, and every blade stands tall and strong. Nothing on Earth can compare to the vibrancy of the plants here.
Observing my admiration for the garden, my Teacher tells me that like everything in Heaven, the grass vibrates unconditional love. I feel it flowing even from me. I am whole, as if nothing is missing inside me. This love is all-encompassing, free of judgment or negativity.
How is this kind of love possible?
The answer, my Teacher reveals to me, begins with self-love—that we honor and love ourselves unconditionally. This is the Revelation of Self-Love.
To be self-loving is the foundation of divine love. Divine love flows eternally and unconditionally between God and all living beings and never wavers. But for you to truly perceive and feel divine love, there must be a foundation of self-love in your life.
With this foundation, you can also love others unconditionally, as God loves you. You will be able to love without fear and without wanting.
Self-love also activates the Divine Spark within you. You will become love, and you will find your life filled with miracles and possibilities. So love yourself first—without ego—and you will be complete within.
I’m confused at first when I hear this revelation. I recall my Sunday school lessons in the past. Aren’t we supposed to love our neighbors as we love ourselves? I thought that was taught in just about every house of worship.
Yes, it is right to be thoughtful and caring to others. That is important. But those acts of kindness do not preclude loving yourself. They are not mutually exclusive.
I guess many people focus only on the first part—“love our neighbors”—and neglect the “as we love ourselves” part. Still, self-love—it sounds so selfish and egocentric to me.
My Teacher smiles as he answers.
Yes, so many people get “ego” and “self-love” confused. Let us examine ego. You have a phrase on Earth that translates ego rather well: “edging God out.” When a person has ego, their opinions and their thoughts are what they consider to be the truth, and this attitude pushes divine guidance and direction out of the picture. So do not confuse ego with self-love for they are not the same.
Ego is the aspect of character that needs to be satisfied. Those who define themselves by and attach identity to what they possess—that is, their earthly accomplishments—and those who require recognition and applause at every turn are filled with ego. Ego has no place in spiritual life. As you grow spiritually, you will learn that it is the surrender of ego that is the true, first step to enlightenment. When your personal concerns expand to include the safety and welfare of all living things and when the interconnectedness of everything is recognized, honored, and cherished, then enlightenment is possible.
My Teacher then elaborates on something that, to me, was profound.
Ego and fear are the twin forces of human destruction. If you look back on all of human history, you can trace every negative action to ego, to fear, or to both. This includes every act against humanity, every war, and every act of hatred, revenge, or anger.
Listening to all this, my head is spinning with ideas and knowledge, but I’m no longer overwhelmed. I feel fuller and more “in the know” about how things really are.
All the bad stuff humans have ever done to each other can be traced back to ego and fear. It’s unbelievable when you think about it! War, holocaust, ethnic cleansing, slavery, terrorism, religious persecution. It’s all there, and it can all be connected back to ego and fear. It’s us doing it to us! These lessons make so much sense. As I digest all this new information, I’m asking myself so many questions.
How could I have gotten it so wrong so much of the time?
How could we all get it so wrong?
Why do we keep goofing up? Ruining the planet, hurting each other? Taking over, pushing each other around?
In this instant, I recall a time when my own ego had grown out of proportion, to my own detriment. My plumbing business had become very successful. We were hired for every job we bid on. There was no stopping us. But as the business grew, so did my ego. I got complacent and sat back, saying, “I’ve got my way of bidding jobs, and it’s working. I know exactly what I’m doing, and I don’t need to do anymore.” In other words, I wasn’t going at it with the energy and heart I had before.
One time we lost a big job—we were underbid, something that had not happened in years. To say I was shocked would be an understatement. I couldn’t believe it! But I knew I had become careless with regard to the bidding process, negotiations, and customer relations in general. I realized I had stopped thinking about the work and relationship that every single client and prospective client deserved from me. That was the last time I let my ego and pride get in the way of good business practices.
Ego and fear become unnecessary in your life after you have mastered self-love. It then helps you experience God’s love, which never wavers. When self-love is not present, you feel separated from God. But with self-love and God’s love, you experience no wanting, no lack. His love is eternal and allencompassing.
One way to engender self-love is through forgiveness. Learning to forgive others as well as yourself helps you integrate life lessons in ways that grow your spirit.
Forgiveness is a concept that seems simple enough. You are asked to forgive those who trespass against you just as you seek forgiveness from God for your own transgressions. Why is this important? Can you truly forgive someone who has deeply wounded you, hurt you, and seems unrepentant in their actions?
You must, because forgiveness is at the core of soul growth. Without it, you could not grow past what has been done to you and what you, yourself, have done to others either mindfully or without intention.
Learning to forgive, that’s so hard to do!
To understand the importance of forgiveness, you must remember that God created you as individuals, but you are responsible for each other. You are one member of the entire human family. And in this human family, no person is alone or without the need to forgive others and oneself. Each human being at some point in their spiritual evolution is imperfect in thought or deed. Therefore, you are urged to work together as a species in harmony and peace, and you can accomplish this only through forgiving and loving hearts.
I am guessing this means not holding on to grudges? I’ve had times in life that if I was wronged, I wanted to right it.
Think of a time like that. Through no fault of your own, someone deceived you or hurt you or treated you unkindly or unjustly. Now, think about how much time and energy you gave to the situation. Be honest with yourself as you calculate how much of your time was spent on thoughts of anger, and think how much better it would be to have that time back for more positive endeavors that would align your spirit more closely to the divine.
Holding grudges keeps you in bondage; forgiveness frees you. True forgiveness takes time and awareness. When you are wronged for whatever reason, whether it be ego or fear on the part of another, it is difficult sometimes to find love and compassion in your heart for the one who has hurt you. But forgiveness is always in your best interest, because if you become angry without resolution or feed the need for revenge or retaliation, you are creating negativity. This negative energy can be overwhelming and can consume your energy if it is allowed to fester unchecked. Unresolved anger and resentment can build up over time and lead to depression and a weakened immune system, which allows disease and illness into your life.
Forgiveness seems a little like housecleaning. When dust and dirt build up, you get rid of it. When there’s too much stuff and clutter, you toss it out or donate it. When you’re thinking thoughts of revenge and grievances, your mind is cluttered with things that are hurting you and holding you back. Forgiveness is like one big, deep clean that leads you to more joy, happiness, and self-love.
My Teacher is pleased that I am picking up on this important aspect of self-love. He adds:
As you ask for forgiveness, grant it to those who need it most. Be aware of the fact that whatever happens to you is part of your own creation so that you can grow your spirit. Experience everything so that you may choose again and again to walk the path of wisdom and love.
I see and feel so much love here. If everyone could be in Heaven for just one minute and experience this love, they would want to live in its flow forever.
It is a universal truth that the self must be loved. Self is you, yourself. It is all of you. Flesh and bone are irrelevant. Self and the soul are irrevocably intertwined. It is your essence. To not love self is to not love God. He made you in His image and likeness—whole, good, and loving, in all your glory and possibility. When divine awareness is achieved through self-love, not ego, your Divine Unconditional Love toward all things grows within you. By loving yourself, you are honoring God’s gift of life.
I was made in the image of God, formed by a loving Creator who knows me and calls me by my name. I’m called to honor myself so that I can honor others. I’m not just my body. I have a mind, heart, and soul that need and deserve love and care as much as my body does.
This revelation comforts me, because I realize how much God loves me. Had I realized this on Earth, I think I might have taken better care of myself and been more forgiving.
Here in Heaven, I feel so close to the divine. My spiritual eyes have been opened, and I understand that to not love myself is to not love God and to be separated from Him. After all, He made me! Although we are unique in wonderfully individual ways, we are also radiant expressions of God himself—inherently whole and worthy and lovable. God’s unconditional love is ours at every turn. Nothing can change that.
This knowledge inspires me to open my heart and forgive myself for whatever I wish had been different. It’s time to love myself unconditionally.
This revelation is so important to how we live our daily lives. We must all celebrate ourselves, promote ourselves, and work hard to fulfill our dreams and desires. In fact, if we don’t affirm our value as human beings and make the most of our lives, it can be difficult to make personal changes, stay healthy, or care for others.
My approach with patients has always been to encourage them toward greater love. Love is good for us, whether it is self-love, romantic love, or love for family members, friends, pets, or our fellow human beings. Love is essentially a biochemical event in the brain.
Several years ago, researchers from Albert Einstein College of Medicine in the Bronx and the State University of New York analyzed about 2,500 brain images of 17 college students who were in the early throes of being in love. The students looked at pictures of their beloved, and then at pictures of acquaintances, while an MRI machine scanned their brains. (MRI technology can detect increases or decreases of blood flow in the brain, which reflect changes in brain activity.)
A map of active brain areas was computer generated, showing hot spots deep in the brain, in areas that are densely populated with cells involved in the production of dopamine, which is churned out when people desire or anticipate a reward. In this study, dopamine sites became extremely active when the students viewed their girlfriends or boyfriends but not when looking at acquaintances. The results suggest that love or being in love heightens chemical activity in the brain.
When you love or are in love, other chemicals besides dopamine are released: oxytocin and vasopressin (the bonding chemicals) and serotonin (a feel-good chemical). Collectively, they improve mental health, strengthen the immune system, and relieve pain. As you love, you have a higher vibration and attract more love into your life. You are filled with the natural positive energy that generates well-being, wholeness, vitality, and connection.
As Tommy’s Teacher pointed out, self-love is the foundation of all love. Learning how to love yourself changes for the better you and the world you live in. When you love yourself, you can create healthy, balanced relationships with everyone in your life.
But where does such love come from? Does it originate from your mother or father? Is self-love a learned experience? The answers to these questions are not simple. But we do know that loving qualities, actions, energies, and even words are transmitted to children from their own parents.
My training in psychotherapy taught me that self-love develops and evolves from the moment we are born and begins to crystallize in childhood. Some childhood experiences that have been identified as influencing self-love are being praised versus being punitively criticized; being listened to versus being yelled at; being spoken to lovingly versus being discounted or mocked; getting positive attention and affection versus being ignored and having no warm contact.
A British study published in 2013 in the Journal of the American Medical Association—Pediatrics supports these points. Researchers combed through 18 databases, 6 websites, and supplementary material from January 1, 1960, to February 1, 2011, and found 22,669 abstracts having to do with confirmed neglect or emotional abuse by parents in children up to age six and whether that abuse affected them emotionally, behaviorally, and developmentally.
The conclusions of this review were startling. Indeed, children who had experienced this type of abuse showed negative self-esteem, anger, poor conduct, withdrawal, poor social interactions, lower intelligence, and other problems, particularly if their parents had been insensitive to their needs, hostile, critical, or disinterested in good parenting. This study is enlightening, though a very sad commentary on what bad parenting can do to kids.
Children who are respected as unique individuals, on the other hand, tend to develop greater self-love as they mature into adults. They are guided and supported while mastering developmental tasks appropriate to their age. The self that is the child’s is cherished and nurtured. Unconditional love—which is based on acceptance of a person for who he or she is, not what he or she does—is a key ingredient in the development of self-love in a child.
Of course, not all children are brought up in an unconditionally loving environment. As I noted above, some are faced with cold, distant, critical parents, whose love is conditional. This kind of love carries a double message and narcissistic qualities; it is a love based on approval alone. Children who grow up under these conditions have a hard time loving themselves in adulthood.
Ellen, age 48, was a perfect example of someone with a deficit of self-love that began at a very young age. She was referred to me by her internist because of an irregular heartbeat that seemed to be getting worse.
My first meeting with Ellen was quite intriguing. As she discussed her cardiac sensations and irregular heartbeats, I could tell that she was in touch with a deep sadness. At age three, she suffered her first heartbreak when her father abandoned the family for no apparent reason. She grew up without the love of an important and loving parental influence, and consequently, she felt unlovable and lonely most of her life. In her twenties, she got married, but she suffered another heartbreak at age 36, when her husband left her. She remarried once again but, at 46, divorced her second husband.
From childhood on, Ellen had a strong distrust of men—and a strong dislike for herself. As it so often does, this lack of self-love manifested in unhealthy habits and a lack of self-care. She told me that she would rather let her body go and become overweight. Having been hurt by so many men, she had deliberately made herself sexually unattractive. She said, “Fat is unattractive, and it will never get you hurt.” By creating excessive padding as armor, she felt that she was impenetrable. Ellen was also looking for love from other sources, primarily food. She eventually developed the closed heart that had locked her away from self-love—and all forms of love, really. Ellen was avoiding that which she wanted most in life.
Her body began to fall apart—with infections, colitis, and, eventually, heart disease. These physical problems were telling Ellen the truth about her fear, anxiety, and emotional scarring.
Ellen needed to love herself and establish a heart connection with a man. Ultimately, she began to work through her issues of abandonment, distrust, and sadness, as well as her attitudes toward her body. Only through healing those wounds and sealing them up with self-love did she eventually heal herself and, consequently, her heart.
Ellen’s case is not unusual; it’s universal. I have seen many patients whose lack of self-love leads to disease, and not just heart disease: obesity, liver disease, addiction, depression, and more—afflictions that can carry us to a premature death.
Because our life paths begin in childhood, what can we do to enhance self-love as adults? It is a tough but not wholly impossible feat. I think I have some solutions. While I was training to be a psychotherapist, I facilitated multiple Healing the Heart workshops for my patients with another MD and a Gestalt-trained psychotherapist. Group therapy was utilized to uncover suppressed childhood memories, which were being expressed in adult character and personality traits. The process of group therapy offered provocative exchanges in which participants could see their own “stuff” acted out in others, even when it was difficult to recognize their own issues themselves. In other words, oftentimes what we do not like in others mirrors something we fail to recognize in ourselves: something we may not wish to face or even consider about ourselves. Such guided insight can trigger an awareness that can create spontaneous healing.
To develop self-love, think about what Tommy’s Teacher told him: Begin by forgiving yourself for the ways in which you have rejected or otherwise harmed yourself—by eating too much, drinking too much, becoming addicted to drugs or other vices, and so forth.
Simply stated, forgiveness means letting go of the past. The negative energy we hold from past insults attacks our spirituality and interrupts our ability to connect; becomes a barrier to faithfulness; and harms our physical bodies. When we can stop beating ourselves up over our failures and start honoring all our successes, we can achieve self-love. For some of us, this may require a long journey; however, there is a specific shortcut to the destination: Simply say to yourself, “I’m sorry,” silently or aloud. Those are the most healing words we can express—to ourselves and to anyone who has wronged us. When we can say the words I’m sorry, the heart opens up to not only an emotional place but also a spiritual place. Forgiveness is, at its core, an act of self-love. Our whole lives undergo a magical change when we develop a forgiving heart.
There is enormous healing power in forgiveness, too. Let me give you an example from my own life. Many years ago, I was sued for medical malpractice. During the lawsuit, my back suddenly went out. I developed two bulging disks, and for several years afterward, I continued to suffer lower-back pain. The trial was literally breaking my back. Eventually, my back discomfort became so severe that I had trouble walking, sitting, and carrying out daily activities. I tried everything to get better—physical therapy, counseling, acupuncture, orthopedics; you name it, I tried it.
It wasn’t until I sought the help of a spiritual therapist that my path to healing really began. She intuitively counseled me that in order to heal my back, I needed to grant forgiveness to the people who had wrongly sued me. We did a number of spiritual exercises and meditations, all aimed at helping me find a place in my heart to forgive unconditionally. One of these was to visualize the family who had “injured” me. She then asked that I honestly acknowledge to myself how much I had been hurt. She was clear that I was not to overdramatize the situation or place blame on anyone.
Following that exercise, she asked if I could find a place in my heart to forgive unconditionally. As she worked with me to forgive the family, she gently and supportively placed her hand on my back, focusing my energy to bring the forgiveness down to my lower spine.
Very soon after I started therapy, the discomfort in my back improved significantly. I could walk and participate in all my normal activities. A resentful back, like a resentful heart, creates a trapped negative energy field that can lead to disease or disability. Sometimes you need to forgive before you can heal.
Many years later, in 2005, I came across a scientific article published in the Journal of Pain about how forgiveness heals back pain. I could barely believe what I had found, but there it was in black-and-white: a study of 61 patients with chronic lower-back pain who were able to reverse it by adopting a forgiving attitude! The research revealed that patients who can’t forgive others might be experiencing higher levels of back pain and psychological distress than those who can forgive. There is a definite relationship between forgiveness and back pain (and probably many other health conditions).
Self-love is about letting go of the emotions that do us harm and actively choosing modes of thought that lift us up. Forgiveness fosters humility, which opens the door to gratitude. Practicing gratitude helps us feel more appreciative of our own unique gifts and talents as blessings. If you have been buried or you have been distracted by too many other things in your life to take stock of your blessings, carve out some time to figure out what makes you special. Make a list of what you believe are your best qualities and put the list where you can see it every day, perhaps by your bed or on a mirror. Add to the list as you discover new things that you like and appreciate about yourself. Be proud of these qualities. Honor your life as a gift from God. When you honor yourself, you are honoring Him.
As the Revelation of Positivity teaches, we must change the way we think about ourselves; doing so helps build and reinforce self-love. Begin by monitoring and regulating your thoughts. Practice not saying or agreeing with any thoughts about yourself that you would not direct toward someone you love or respect. In other words, treat yourself as you would your best friend, and think about how you can actively develop qualities that you want in a friend, such as honesty, loyalty, warmth, and affection. Do not allow negativity to dictate your emotions or color your worldview. We know now that negative emotions not only blind you to the beauty of the world you live in but can actually lead to illness and disease.
Without feeling embarrassed or silly, look at yourself in the mirror each day and tell yourself, “I love you, unconditionally.” Write a love letter to yourself about your life and all the blessings you enjoy. Although doing this might feel initially uncomfortable, your discomfort will eventually ebb as you begin to realize the truth and power in your own words.
Adopt other self-love practices. If you don’t exercise, for example, start. This could be as simple as walking for a half hour daily, taking a dance class, or practicing yoga. Physical activity will help you understand self-love not just as an idea but as an action.
When my patients exercised, whether it was walking, playing doubles tennis, or swimming, they felt more connected with their physical bodies and they looked forward to these activities, in other words, their self-esteem soared. They were loving themselves more. Exercise or any physical activity has physical, emotional, and spiritual benefits.
Not only does exercise keep you healthy and control your weight, but it also boosts your self-love as you feel better about your body and how it performs. Exercise also acts as a natural antidepressant. You don’t need to be a marathoner to reap these benefits. You can obtain them through the simplest of movements, such as dancing, walking, or riding a bike.
You can also practice self-love by doing nice things to your physical body: getting enough sleep, indulging in a massage, changing your hairstyle, or getting a makeover. These activities may seem simple, but they are actions that reinforce how much you value yourself.
All of your relationships—including with God or your higher power—are affected by how you feel about yourself. Having a clear identity, maintaining healthy self-esteem and confidence, and knowing the gifts and talents that make you unique allow you to attract and create relationships that are balanced and whole.
These are what we all desire deep in our hearts, and it is human to long for them because such relationships are good for us. Statistics clearly prove that happily married people have a lower incidence of heart attacks than single or widowed persons. Widowed people tend to develop disease at an alarming rate, particularly soon after the loss of their loved ones. Divorced people are more vulnerable to illness and cardiovascular problems than married people. And living alone is a coronary risk factor.
Love heals—us and those to whom we give our love. It assures our connection to the world outside of ourselves. It affirms our role in the bigger picture—that what we say and do matters and that our contributions count. Loving ourselves, knowing we are loved, and opening our hearts to Divine Unconditional Love make our experience of life special. If we meet life with love, we will find love.
SELF-LOVE
What actions can you take to enhance self-love and self-esteem? The overarching answer is to find the positive force in a negative event or experience that may have hurt your feelings toward yourself, to laugh at yourself and not take everything so seriously, to communicate honestly and not internalize personal or work pressures, and to reach out and love, accepting in return the sincere affection of others. Keeping an open heart means being vulnerable and able to forgive yourself and others, over and over again. These are positive forces and emotions that build self-love and healing. Self-love is one of the best elements of preventive medicine we have today. Consider, too, taking the following steps.
◼I will take a few minutes today to jot down a few things that I love about myself and note the special qualities that make me unique. Examples: My adventurous spirit. My love of animals. My hair. My sense of humor. My ability to sing, dance, write, or otherwise create. I’ll develop gratitude for my God-given gifts and talents. Knowing that I have been blessed with such gifts is the right inspirational fuel I need for life.
◼I will forgive myself for bad habits that in the past stood in the way of my happiness, health, and spiritual development. There is no one without flaws, but I relinquish the control that shame, fear, guilt, and regret have had on me. As I look in the mirror to express self-love every day, I will actively forgive myself and others and commit to treating myself gently and with respect.
◼I will periodically ask myself if there are a few things I would change about myself. I understand that change can be good, and I will formulate realistic steps and strategies to make it happen, so I can move from where I am to a better place, emotionally and spiritually.
◼I will be part of a divine experience today by reading a sacred text, attending a worship service, praying, signing up for a spiritual retreat, or volunteering in a way that will have an impact on God’s world. Through this experience, I will open my heart to unconditional love, the love that God has for every human being, and allow the gentle wind of this love to touch every aspect of my life. From now on, I choose to love myself, opening the way to love and honor others unconditionally, and experience God’s love for me.