At the apartment we eat bagels
with lox and cream cheese.
My father takes a huge bite,
talks with his mouth full.
It’s going to get really busy.
But we will need to start
with our own building.
I was thinking, Etan,
that maybe some of the kids
in your school might want a little job
a few hours after school,
cleaning up, helping out?
I could pay them ten bucks a day?
I nod, look at my mom,
and when she nods back
I feel the filling up
of a space
that’s been empty.
After we eat,
I go to organize my own room.
My box of Star Wars figurines
spilled off the shelf,
and my comic books are mixed
in a pile, some flipped all the way over.
Drawings floated to the ground,
dots of tape
still stuck
to the wall.
Etan. Mom comes in.
She sits at the edge of my unmade bed
and smooths the blanket. Sit?
She hands me a small, thin package
covered in newspaper.
Sorry, I didn’t have time to wrap it.
I weigh it in my hands.
A spiral bound notebook,
the kind with thick paper
and a hard cover like a real book.
I love that you kept our notebook
with you all the time.
It reminded me of how much love
there is for me in the world.
I realize how much I want
to ask her the question,
how much I don’t.
I flip the notebook cover
back and forth between my fingers.
Mom,
are you
going to
stay?
Her body shifts, and she wipes her eyes.
Yes. I’m staying, Etan. I’m here now.
May I? and she takes the notebook,
opens to where a paper is slipped inside,
and pulls it out.
My picture of the river.
I think we can add all new stuff,
but this one is my favorite,
the blues and greens, the river of words
flowing down all the time.
Have your words come back, Etan?
I think mine have.
Maybe we don’t have to be afraid anymore.
Rivers are constantly being refilled
and new water comes just as the old
water floats away to the sea.
Then she looks at me.
Sorry I’m so serious all the time.
That’s okay, I say.
I missed it so much.
I missed you so much, I want to say.
Well, how about this? she says.
Do you know where fish keep their money?
I look at her confused, she’s already smiling.
Innnn river banks.
I try not to laugh.
She’s told me this joke
so many times.
Then we kneel down
and clean up the action figures
and markers,
laughing the whole time.