IT WAS strange, sitting beside Jack in his car, driving across the city. Nina felt she was in a time warp, as though the past eight months hadn’t happened. Same big, four-wheel-drive Range Rover he had owned then, same sense of being king of the road with all the lower traffic around them, same man in control of where they went, drawing an intense physical awareness of him, same feeling of intimacy, enclosed in a world of their own.
To shake off the eerie feeling, Nina kept glancing around to check that Charlotte was, indeed, with them, securely tucked into her capsule and undisturbed by her new and strange surroundings. Life had moved on, and Charlotte added another dimension to it.
Jack had expertly anchored the capsule on the rear seat. He’d had his vehicle fitted for it today, learning where to put the bolt from the safety harness and get everything adjusted properly. Nina was amazed at his forethought. At least in this practical sense he had accepted Charlotte.
“Stop worrying, Nina. There’s no problem.” He gave her a reassuring smile as he caught her glancing at the rear seat again. “Babies always sleep in moving vehicles.”
“How do you know that?”
His smile turned lopsided. “A guy I know drove around most of one night with his kid. His wife was desperate for sleep, and it was a surefire way to stop the baby from crying.”
“Maybe there was something wrong with the baby.”
“Just colic.”
He spoke so matter-of-factly, yet Nina was acutely conscious of the problems he listed and how they could affect their relationship. So far, Jack had only ever seen Charlotte asleep, like a serene little doll, demanding only a token acknowledgment. It was easy to think nothing much had changed. She was guilty of it herself, sitting beside him, remembering how it had been together…before Charlotte.
But they weren’t going out on a date and they weren’t going home to make love. Tension knotted her stomach as she wondered about Jack’s expectations of tonight. Did he think they could pick up from where they had left off eight months ago?
He hadn’t tried to kiss her, as yet. Not properly. Nor had he really touched her except in courteous and caring support. She stared at his hands, lightly guiding the steering wheel. Perhaps it was from his love of working with wood, bringing out the beauty of its grain. Jack had wonderfully sensitive hands. As much as Nina craved the physical reassurance of his love, it was too soon to let him resume their former intimacy.
Too soon in several senses. Her body needed recovery time from the ordeal of giving birth. Apart from which, Nina felt the need to test Jack’s commitment to Charlotte before involving herself too closely with him. She couldn’t risk accepting it on faith alone. The road to hell was paved with good intentions.
They were driving into the harbour tunnel now. Once they emerged on the north side, it wasn’t far to Lane Cove, where Sally’s house and business were handily situated to draw clients from both the northern and western suburbs of Sydney. Nina hoped Jack wasn’t anticipating staying overnight in her granny flat. She hoped he wasn’t assuming everything was settled between them. It wasn’t. Maybe she should make that clear right now.
Something rolled against her feet as the Rover headed down the tunnel. She leaned over to pick it up. A can of dog meat. Nina stared at it, inwardly recoiling from what it meant. Jack still had the dog.
“Sorry about that,” he said, glancing over with a rueful grimace. “Must have escaped from one of the shopping bags. Better put it in the glove box, out of the way.”
She did as he suggested, wishing Jack wasn’t so attached to the mongrel dog he’d rescued from the RSPCA. It was big and fierce, and she was frightened of it. Jack had trained it to be a great watchdog, which was important, since the furniture he worked on was very valuable. Although he insisted Spike’s bark was worse than his bite, Nina had never been able to bring herself to pat it and play with it as Jack did.
Maybe it was because she hadn’t had any familiarity with dogs during her upbringing. Which reminded her… “How come you never told me about your childhood, Jack?”
He shrugged. “No joy in recalling misery, Nina.”
It was a fair answer. She hadn’t detailed her childhood to him, either, only telling him her parents had divorced and she’d lived with her grandmother until she’d come to Sydney to go to design school. Since her family—if you could call it that—lived hundreds of kilometres away at Port Macquarie, the question of visiting them had been easily put aside.
Besides, with his own parents dead, Jack was not family minded. He’d never pressed her on the subject, accepting her independence as naturally as he took his own for granted. There had been no reason to tell him she had been an unwanted burden to everyone. It didn’t do much for her self-esteem. Jack had accepted her as the person she was—no concern about her background—and that was how she liked it.
“Did you have a dog when you were a boy?” she asked, switching to her earlier thought.
“No. My parents wouldn’t allow it. Too much trouble.” He flashed her a wry smile. “I was too much trouble, let alone a dog.”
So he’d been a burden, too, though not an unwanted one.
“Where I went to school, the caretaker had a dog. He let me play with it,” Jack added in fond reminiscence. “Honey. That was her name. A Labrador. One year she had nine pups. I would have given anything for one of those pups.”
Nina smothered a sigh. Jack was not about to be separated from Spike. Another problem. How could she let that ferocious dog anywhere near Charlotte? There were too many horror stories about dogs mauling children for Nina to even contemplate taking a chance with it.
They were out of the tunnel and heading up the Warringah Freeway. Jack would normally take the Willoughby Road turn-off to go to his home at Roseville Chase. He had a lovely place, Nina reflected, overlooking Echo Point and Middle Harbour. He’d turned the triple garage into his main work area, but he did the finishing in the rumpus room. It was an ideal set-up for Jack, but a child would certainly put a spoke in it.
They passed the turn-off and zoomed along to the Gore Hill Freeway. Nina steeled herself to spell out the situation as she saw it. Jack had to understand that giving an off-the-cuff commitment was not enough for her. She needed some very solid follow-up before she could even think of getting herself deeply entangled with him. She was about to open her mouth when he spoke first.
“Every kid should have a dog,” he declared, nodding over the idea. He looked to her for approval. “Maybe a little one to begin with. I’ve heard that miniature fox terriers make great pets.”
Miniature sounded good. “I think there’s a few other things to settle first,” she warned, and they weren’t in the miniature category, either. Jack was leaping ahead with apparently blind disregard of the adjustments he’d have to make to his lifestyle.
“Sure,” he agreed blithely. “I won’t rush you, Nina. Sally reckoned it would take at least six weeks to organise a dream wedding. I wouldn’t do you out of a dream.”
Her mind freaked out. “Jack!” She looked at him in horror. “I don’t believe in shotgun marriages.”
He frowned at her. “No-one’s pointing a gun at my head, Nina.”
“You wouldn’t have thought of marriage except for the baby,” she said accusingly.
“That’s not true. I was going to ask you to live with me the very night we had that damned argument. Same thing.”
“It’s not the same thing at all!”
“It is for me.” His green eyes flashed intense conviction. “You’re the only woman I’ve ever wanted to live with, Nina.”
“You’re forgetting something, aren’t you?” she asked angrily. “I come with a child.”
“It’s because I’m taking our kid into consideration that I think marriage is a better idea,” he answered with controlled patience. “Kids like to feel secure with their mum and dad.”
“That’s all very well in theory,” Nina retorted fiercely. “It doesn’t work out so neatly in practice. More than one in every three marriages ends in divorce. Where are the kids then?”
He sighed and slanted her a sympathetic look. “I know you’re speaking from your own personal experience, Nina. It must have hurt a lot when your parents divorced…”
No, it didn’t. The hurt came long before the divorce.
“But that’s no reason not to give us a chance,” he went on. “We’re different people.”
“I wouldn’t be with you now if I wasn’t prepared to give it a chance, Jack,” she said tightly. “But will you please stop assuming I’m ready to commit myself and Charlotte to you? I’m not.”
Silence.
Nina could feel Jack brooding, searching for ways and means around her doubts and fears. It set her nerves on edge. She didn’t want pressure. She couldn’t cope with it right now. While life didn’t hang out guarantees for anything, trust did require time to build.
It came as a shock when Jack pulled the Range Rover over to the kerb outside Sally’s house and cut the engine. Nina had lost track of where they were. Home! Her heart fluttered in agitation. She hoped Jack wasn’t going to be difficult, wanting more than she could give.
He released his seat belt and turned to her, reaching out to gently cup her cheek and capture her attention. “Nina…” His eyes glowed with commanding intensity, and his voice was furred with deep emotion. “I love you. I don’t say that lightly. Let me show you….”
He leaned over. Before she could even think of stopping him, his mouth claimed hers with a seductive, tender yearning that melted any resistance she might have mustered if it had been a storming kiss. It was so gentle, so sweet, a sensitive tasting, begging a response, not trying to force one.
She ached for more, the emptiness of all the lonely months without him surging into a desperate need to be filled, to have doubts and fears obliterated by a flood of love so overwhelming it could carry everything in its stride. Her lips moved instinctively, encouraging, inviting, hungry for what he was offering, blindly seeking the reassurance of the passion she had known with him.
She lifted her hand to his chest, loving the warmth and strength she could feel through the light fabric of his shirt, the exciting thud of his heart, beating hard and fast with his need for her. It was the same as before.
Intoxicated by the wonderful familiarity of touching him again, Nina slid her hand over the smooth roundness of his shoulder, up the strong column of his neck and tunnelled her fingers through the thick springiness of his hair, exulting in the tactile reality of what had become only a haunting dream.
Jack…his mouth filling hers with enthralling sensation, feasting on her eager response, drawing on the desire that had always exploded between them. It flowed now, a torrent of wanting that craved fulfilment. Her body trembled with the force of it, weakness draining through her legs, ripples of arousal spreading to her stomach, her breasts straining to be caressed and held.
Slowly, reluctantly, Jack leashed the power of the passion they shared, leaving her still pulsing with sensation as he drew back, breathing roughly yet stroking her cheek and lips with feather-light fingertips. She dizzily opened her eyes, breathless, wavering between a protest at his parting from her and a plea for what had started to be finished.
He looked anguished. “I could have been with you all this time….”
She didn’t want to look back. She wanted…
“I would have been, Nina, if only you’d told me.”
Was that true? Had she robbed them of what should have been? This magic that was theirs?
His eyes swore it was so. “I wouldn’t have let anything get in the way of what we have together.”
Her desire-drenched mind thrilled to the constancy he avowed…until slowly, inexorably, it grasped the logic of what he was saying.
He wouldn’t let Charlotte get in the way.
Which surely meant he would resent their child if she did. It was all too easy to forget her, not take her into account at all while she slept, a silent, non-interfering presence. But it wouldn’t stay like that.
“Charlotte.” It was a husky croak, loaded with the guilt of her own forgetfulness.
“She’s okay for a minute or two.”
“No.” Nina scrabbled for the release mechanism on her seat belt, jerking her head away from Jack’s tempting touch and dropping her gaze from the heart-searing heat of his. “I don’t want to talk about this now, Jack. I want to get unpacked and settled into my flat again.”
“I wasn’t blaming you for the decision you made, Nina, just regretting the waste of time,” he said softly. “It’s made me very conscious of not wasting any more of it.”
“Fine! Let’s get moving.”
The seat belt zipped away. She opened the passenger door and leapt out of the cabin before Jack could detain her further. Her legs almost crumpled under her. She had to hang onto the door to steady herself. The physical upheaval of giving birth to a baby was debilitating enough without adding sexual and emotional upheavals.
Nina instantly vowed to keep Jack at a firm distance until she could gauge his real reactions to having a baby in their lives. She didn’t want to be torn in two by conflicting loves. If she gave in to what she felt for Jack now, it would only make everything ten times worse if she had to part from him for Charlotte’s sake.
“Are you all right?” he asked in concern.
“Yes.” Apart from being hopelessly vulnerable to you, she added, silently railing at her weakness. She scooped her handbag from the floor in front of the passenger seat, shut the door and leaned against it, willing herself to be strong as Jack alighted from the driver’s side.
He didn’t press her. Much to Nina’s relief, he set about the business of releasing Charlotte’s capsule and collecting her suitcase from the back of the Rover. He carried both, leaving Nina to lead the way down the side path to her flat at the back of Sally’s house. Her legs were still shaky, but she managed the walk with some dignity, grateful that Jack had assumed the role of porter.
All the lights were on, a welcoming gesture from Sally, no doubt. Nina unlocked the door and waved him inside, acutely conscious of the danger inherent in letting Jack invade her home, yet aware of how unfair and ungracious it would be to deny him entry. He would respect her wishes, she assured herself. All she had to do was take control of the situation and remain firm, no matter how persuasive Jack set out to be.
“Straight into the bedroom?” he asked quietly, nodding at Charlotte.
“Yes, please,” she whispered, flushing at the reminder of having shared a bedroom with him many times in the past.
Having been let in by Sally to provision the refrigerator earlier today, Jack was clearly familiar with the layout of the flat. Nina watched him manoeuvre the capsule and suitcase down the narrow hall, past the bathroom and laundry. The bedroom door was open. There was no need for Nina to accompany him or follow him. Better to keep her distance.
She stepped into the kitchenette, feeling more protected by the cupboards and countertops that hemmed the limited moving space. Having checked the electric kettle and found it full of water, she switched it on. After all the trouble Jack had gone to for her today, it was impossible to send him away without offering him at least a cup of tea.
As she waited for the water to boil, Nina took a deep breath in an attempt to calm her skittering nerves and flicked her gaze around the living area she had made her own, needing to regain the sense of independence it had given her. Jack probably thought it was small and cramped, but she had it arranged to suit her convenience.
The two-seater cane lounge and matching armchairs were grouped on the window side of the living room, a coffee table handily placed. On the other side was her sewing machine. Behind it on the wall was a huge corkboard, organised to hold all her reels of cotton, scissors, measuring sticks and other tools of her trade. At the end of the room was the television set and her sound system, so she could watch a program or listen to music as she worked or relaxed.
The mottled beige tiles on the floor were easy to keep clean. She had made the cushion covers and curtains herself in a bright, fresh fabric patterned in lemon and white and lime green. A bowl of brilliant lemon chrysanthemums sat on the coffee table, a welcome home gift from Sally, Nina figured. She’d left Jack’s roses at the hospital for Rhonda and Kim to enjoy. An arrangement of three dozen was difficult to transport.
Jack had probably frowned over the wooden planks under the legs of the dining table. They effectively raised it to a convenient height for measuring and cutting fabric. She didn’t use the table for meals, preferring to keep it for work. Normally she perched on a stool at the kitchen counter to eat or drink. But that didn’t mean she wasn’t looking after herself properly.
She heard Jack coming from the bedroom and hastily set out cups and saucers. By opening the refrigerator door, she effectively blocked the path into the kitchenette. Nina only meant to get out milk and direct Jack to the other side of the kitchen counter. However, the stacked contents of the refrigerator completely distracted her.
“All quiet on the Western Front,” Jack declared cheerfully.
Nina barely heard him. Apart from an incredible array of delicatessen goods loading up the shelves, the meat tray contained great slabs of steak, at least a dozen rashers of bacon, piles of chops and sausages, and the vegetable containers were chock-a-block with items from the greengrocers.
“I’ll never eat all this,” she said dazedly.
“I’ll help you,” came the confident reply.
Warning tingles ran down her spine. Nina forgot about the milk. She shut the refrigerator door and swung around to face a more pressing problem. Jack shot his most dazzling smile at her across the counter that separated them, and Nina felt her resolution fraying at the edges. He was making it so hard for her to hang onto common sense. Desperation drove a steely tone into her voice.
“Are you planning on having meals with me, Jack?”
His eyebrows lifted in appeal. “I thought I’d come over after work and cook dinner for us. It’ll give you a rest in between the two evening feeds for the kid.”
“That’s very considerate of you.” He was taking over. Just walking in and taking over as he pleased. Intent on claiming whatever time she had free from the baby. Nina gritted her teeth in determined resistance to his infiltration tactics. “Are you thinking of cooking breakfast for me, too?”
“Well, uh…” He hesitated, taking in the dangerous glitter in her eyes. “It’s not a good idea?” he asked cautiously.
“Not if you’re assuming you can stay overnight with me any time you like,” she answered angrily.
“Not any time, Nina. Naturally I’ll do whatever’s best for you,” he hastily assured her, then changed his expression to anxious concern. “But I am worried about tonight. Everyone says the first night home with a new baby is scary. No expert to call on…”
“And you consider yourself an expert?” Nina heard her voice rise to a shrill note.
“I meant it’s lonely,” he swiftly amended. “I don’t like to think of you being by yourself, Nina. What if you have a bad night with the kid? No one to talk to…”
“No one to hold me and comfort me and kiss everything better. Is that the idea, Jack?” Wanting to satisfy his hunger for her, never mind what had to be done for the baby.
He frowned at her brittle manner. “I just want to be here for you, Nina.”
He sounded so genuine. The look of caring in his eyes was almost her undoing. Her heart seemed to be pounding in her ears. She wanted his love, wanted to feel it surround her, seep into her, possess her to the point of losing herself entirely in him. But he only wanted to be here for her, and that wasn’t enough. It simply wasn’t enough.
If only he cared as much about Charlotte.
She closed her eyes, gathered the will to sort through her priorities again, knew she couldn’t battle with her dilemma any more tonight and took the only escape route open to her.
“I want you to go now, Jack.”
“But, Nina…”
She opened her eyes, anguished by his persistence. “Please.”
He looked hurt and bewildered. “Why? What have I done wrong?”
“Don’t argue with me,” she cried in desperation. Frantic to end the torment he stirred, she rushed to the door and opened it for him to leave. “Please. It’s been a long day for me. I need time and space for myself, Jack.”
He moved reluctantly, his eyes urgently scanning hers, wanting a reason for what he saw as incomprehensible behaviour. He lifted his hands, gesturing his willingness to appease whatever was troubling her. “What if—?”
“No!” She shook her head vehemently. “It’s too much, too soon. Good night, Jack. Thank you for bringing us home, but I really do need you to go now.”
“All right,” he said gently, seeing she was too stressed to discuss the matter further. “Good night, Nina. Say good night to the kid for me.”
The kid.
He left.
Nina closed the door after him and promptly burst into tears.