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"It's probably obvious that I don't know what I'm doing," Parton said, as they sat together with their breakfast, Cull on the bed and Parton using chair and table. "I've never... been with anyone before... in any sense." He had never physically taken things further than a kiss, and he'd never walked out with a girl in courting. He knew vaguely how these things were supposed to go, but all he knew was from seeing others from the outside.
"What about Lucion?" Cull asked.
"We were friends. I found him attractive. We kissed, but we never had a chance to see if it might become anything other than friendship. His father caught us and sent Lucion off to some religious school in Solar to, in Corron's words, have the sin purged from him."
Corron had refused to even give Parton an address so that he could write to him, and there had been no letters from Lucion, so presumably either the masters of the school didn't allow it or Lucion no longer cared about Parton enough to write.
"I have had... encounters," Cull said. When Parton looked at him blankly, he elaborated, "Physical pleasure, with men and women, but they were always brief. We would always know that it was only for a few hours, or a few days at most if I was staying for a while someplace. It was never intended to be anything more than what it was: a temporary activity enjoyable to both. Having anything longer was impossible when I had to leave before nightfall."
Parton wondered if anyone Cull had ever been with knew what happened to him after the sun set. Had Cull ever shared that part of himself with anyone who wasn't family, who didn't already know about it? Perhaps he had, and that was the reason he'd always had to move on.
"It was always just physical?" Parton asked.
"Always. There was never anyone whose presence removed my impulse to howl for companionship."
Parton's heart beat a little faster at that. He hadn't thought about the howling in weeks, but now that Cull mentioned it, it occurred to him that he hadn't been woken by the sounds of those cries at night. Even being right out here with Cull, he hadn't heard the noises that had convinced the villagers they were in danger. Was that because he was here? Were the howls simply the cries of someone lonely, trying to call out for someone to join him?
He wasn't sure how to ask those questions, and Cull wasn't finished talking. He said the next part in a quieter voice, nervousness in his manner, "I have never... courted anyone."
"Is that what we're doing? Are we courting each other?"
"Do you want to be?" Cull sounded as uncertain as Parton felt. In some ways it was a relief to know that they were both in the same state, but it might have been nice if one of them had some experience to draw on.
He thought of Cull's confession. "Whatever this is, whatever we are," Parton said, "I don't want it to be just for a few hours, or just physical."
Cull nodded. "I like having you here. I like having the company of one who doesn't flinch away at the sight of my other form."
So he had shown people. Parton remembered the way the village had turned against him for no good reason. He wondered how many times Cull had faced such hatred and violence, how many times he'd been driven away from somewhere. Parton left his seat and moved to sit beside Cull. He reached out and rested his hand over Cull's, warm fingers slipping between warm fingers.
"You're still you," Parton said. "Whatever you look like."
"I don't want to lose this." Cull's fingers clung to Parton's.
"Neither do I."
"I don't know what's going to happen. With us."
"Neither do I."
Was it better that they were lost together? It felt nice to know that someone understood how terrifying it could be to face a possibility so enormous. Parton had had his life destroyed by people he should have been able to trust, and now he was handing over that trust to another person. It felt like he was handing Cull a knife and showing him all the most vulnerable parts of him, and just having to hope that Cull wouldn't use the knife to hurt him. Worse, he was terrified of hurting Cull right back. In his life, Cull had suffered so much, been cast out and cast aside far too many times, and Parton didn't want to be responsible for causing him any further pain.
He knew that Cull wouldn't hurt him intentionally, but between them, with their inexperience, there was so much potential for accidental injury.
And what was he supposed to do now? Should he kiss Cull? Coming over to the bed had been a gesture of support, of connection. He wasn't certain what to do next. Kissing Cull seemed like a good next step, but that might lead to things getting physical, and they'd both agreed they wanted this to be more than that. But going off and tending the garden seemed anticlimactic, even rude, after the conversation they'd been having.
"Do you sometimes wish that life came with a set of instructions," Parton asked, "so you didn't end up wondering what to do next in situations like this?"
"The people who attempt to write instructions are the likes of Corron, and they tend to make things worse rather than better."
Parton thought of Corron, with his declarations of what was right and what was sinful, and was forced to concede that Cull had a point. If he were to live his life by Corron's instructions, Parton would never have even taken Cull's hand. It was getting easier to not hear Corron's voice in his thoughts, to not listen to that whisper that he was doing things he shouldn't be doing. Cull was good and kind, Parton knew that, and caring for him because of that goodness and kindness could not be an evil act. Corron was wrong. This was right. Sitting beside Cull like this, Parton could actually believe it.
Cull reached his free hand up to stroke Parton's cheek, turning his head so that they faced each other. He ran his fingers up to Parton's hair, tucking a stray strand behind his ear before cupping his cheek once again. That soft expression was on his face again, the warmth in his eyes inviting Parton in.
"We will figure this out," Cull promised, "between us."
Parton wanted so badly to trust in that promise. He promised himself to do his part to make the promise come true. Whatever it took, he would make this work, would prove himself worthy of Cull's affection. He leaned forward and touched his lips to Cull's, just for a moment, sealing that silent promise with a kiss.
