Aesop still wasn’t himself the next morning. Even the landlady was worried about him.
‘Will you not have another sausage Aesop?’ she said.
‘I’m grand thanks, Mrs Kennedy. Really.’
‘I have more rashers on.’
‘Ah, I’ll leave it. We were out on the sea yesterday and it was awful rough. I’m still feeling a bit ropey so I am.’
‘Ah you poor thing. Have a cup of tea just, so, and let me know if you want anything before ye head off. I can put some rashers in a sandwich for you.’
Jimmy and Norman looked at each other and shook their heads. Oul’ ones were always like this with Aesop. If only they knew.
‘Thanks very much Mrs Kennedy. You’re very good.’
The old lady smiled and wobbled off back into the kitchen.
‘You weren’t feeling too ropey to down eight pints last night,’ said Jimmy.
‘Aw, I had to make her go away, man. She’s minging.’
‘I can’t believe you’re not eating.’
‘With the pissy smell off her? And anyway I didn’t sleep very well.’
‘Thinking about the Swedish pair?’
‘No. This fucker honking and groaning all night long.’
‘I have been known to snore all right, it has to be said,’ said Norman, a huge forkful of beans on its way into his mouth.
‘I can deal with snoring, Norman. Snoring has a rhythm. It’s when you sit up out of the blue and start roaring and punching the fuck out of the pillow that I get a bit nervous. Jesus, what happens when you’ve a bird in the bed? If you can remember what that’s like. Does she have to wear a crash helmet?’
‘I slept like a baby, I don’t know what you’re on about.’
‘Some fuckin’ baby. At one stage you stopped in mid-dig and looked over at my bed with your fist in the air and only one eye open. I nearly shat meself. So, no Jimmy, I wasn’t thinking about the Swedish birds. I spent most of the night afraid of going asleep and keeping an eye on Freddy fuckin’ Krueger over there.’
Jimmy laughed.
‘Well anyway, are we right then? We’ll head back to the cottage?’
‘Yeah. Fuck it.’
‘Do you want to have another go at seeing Fungi?’
‘No Jimmy. Sure the weather’s worse today. I’ll come back again.’
‘You sure?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Right. Come on. Are you eating them mushrooms Norman?’
‘No. I’d a bad experience with mushrooms once. Bangladesh. Christ, never again.’
Jimmy reached over and stuck his fork into about five of them, put them in his mouth and then stood up, nodding upstairs with his head.
*
They loaded up the car quickly, sorted out Mrs Kennedy with her money and took off for Cork again. There wasn’t much talking after the drink the previous night and the only sounds were the occasional belch out of Jimmy’s Peugeot on gear changes, and ‘Live and Dangerous’ coming out of the speakers.
‘Is there any word from the cops?’ said Aesop.
‘I talked to Garda Ní Mhurchú last night,’ said Norman. ‘She gave me a ring.’
‘Any news?’
‘Nah. Not really. The note was just from a diary yoke, but that’s about all they know. The flowers could’ve come from anywhere. Nothing’s been robbed, so they can’t trace anything that way. And nothing’s come up from the prints they took. A lot of prints, she said, considering that it’s a brand new gaff that’s only had one bloke living in it.’
‘That’ll be all the new special friends I’ve made since I moved into town.’
‘Yeah. Well, anyway they’re keeping an eye on the place. She was just checking up on things with you.’
‘Why didn’t she call me then?’
‘She probably didn’t want to waste her time talking to a fuckin’ eejit.’
‘Fuck sake. It’s my bollocks we’re talking about.’
‘I rang her last week and told her I’d be in charge of things. And to talk to me with any news.’
Aeosp sat back in the seat and sighed.
‘I do actually have a fucking brain you know. Didn’t I beat you at chess the other night?’
‘That was draughts Aesop. And I could barely see with the bottle of whiskey I had in me. And you a cheating bastard robbing three of me men when I went to the jacks. Yeah. Don’t think I didn’t notice that. I just wanted the game to be over so I could get some kip. And … hey … hey Jimmy, slow down.’
‘What’s up?’
‘Can you back up a bit?’
‘What?’
‘What was on that sign we just went past?’
‘I didn’t see it.’
‘Back up,’ said Norman, looking out the back window. ‘It’s grand. There’s nothing coming. About fifty metres.’
The car was stopped now and Jimmy turned around in his seat to reverse the car back up the empty road. They got to the sign, which was tied to a tree. They all read it, and then Norman looked at the other two with a big grin.
‘Are yis on?’
Jimmy and Aesop turned to each other
‘Eh … ’
‘Come on. It’ll be a laugh.’
‘Norman, I’m not sure … eh … ’
‘C’mon to fuck. Live a little.’
‘That’s the problem,’ said Aesop. ‘I’d like to.’
‘You dragged us down to see Fungi Aesop, didn’t you?’
‘There was more than a fifty-fifty chance of us surviving that experience Norman.’
‘Don’t be such a big blouse. Jimmy?’
‘Eh … I s’pose we could go and have a look anyway.’
‘Grand. Let’s go so. Next left Jimmy … ’
Jimmy looked out the windscreen for a minute and then put the car into first. It farted a couple of times and then took off down the road with Aesop already biting his fingernails in the back seat and looking worried. Norman’s idea of a good time usually meant doing something that normal people associated with mortal injury. It was always a bad sign when he was excited about an outdoor activity.
*
They pulled up into the car park and got out. The wind had dropped off and the sun was making an effort, but it was still freezing. Aesop walked between the other few cars that were there and over to a notice board.
‘Jaysis. Lads, according to this yoke, Slieve Mish is eight hundred fucking metres high.’
‘Yeah,’ said Norman. ‘Jesus, it’s gorgeous here, isn’t it? Look at that view. A man could go walking here for a week and never see it from the same angle twice. You can see the rain down in Kilshannig, look. I’ve a good mind to leave you here and walk home.’
‘Right so Jimmy,’ said Aesop. ‘Back in the car, c’mon.’
‘Can you see the sea boiling up down there?’
‘Would you ever stop beating your big farmer’s chest for a minute,’ said Aesop. ‘Did you hear what I said?’
‘I heard you.’
‘Eight hundred metres.’
‘Right.’
‘Jimmy, I’m assuming that you haven’t lost the will to live. Can we just go?’
‘Hang on Aesop. I want to have a look at this.’
‘But it says … ’
‘Aesop, I’m pretty sure you don’t jump off the top of the mountain and go all the way to the bottom. Come on. We’ll see what it’s like anyway.’
They started walking up a rocky pathway that curved around a bend in front of them. A half hour later, one which consisted of more leg exercise than either Aesop or Jimmy had had in about ten years, and they finally reached a cabin. They could see the platform about a hundred metres further on, a few people standing around.
‘Hi, I’m Shauna,’ said a smiling girl at a desk inside the cabin door. ‘Welcome to the Mish Mash Experience.’
‘Mish Mash? Jaysis … ’ said Jimmy, stepping into the room. ‘Ooh, it’s lovely and warm in here.’
‘You guys here to jump? We’ve just started going again. It was too windy this morning.’
The other two stepped into the cabin behind Jimmy. Aesop went straight over to the electric heater.
‘Ah, that’s better. Jaysis, you’ve a little kitchen and everything in here.’
‘Yeah. Well we’re up here all day,’ said the girl. ‘So … three for a jump?’
‘Two,’ said Aesop.
‘Or … maybe just one,’ said Jimmy.
‘Don’t mind this pair,’ said Norman. ‘I’ll go anyway.’
‘Ah, a Cork man. We’ve had nothing but foreigners today so far. Would you like to see the platform first?’
‘No. I’m grand. How high is the drop?’
‘Exactly two hundred and ninety-five feet. About a hundred metres.’
‘To the ground?’
‘Yeah. Although we try and fix it so you don’t do the full ton.’
Norman laughed.
‘What’s the closest you’ve come?’
‘Well, there’s no water down there, so around seventy-five is about right before the snap.’
‘Sounds cool. How much?’
‘Seventy-five euro please.’
‘One euro per metre? Sounds fair. Credit card?’
‘No problem. And you’ll have to sign this disclaimer.’
‘Of course.’
Aesop was watching all this, his head going between the girl and Norman.
‘Norman?’
‘Yeah?’
‘Are you off your bleedin’ trolley?’
‘What?’
‘You’re going to jump off a cliff with a rubber band tied to your feet?’
‘Yeah. Always wanted to do one. It’ll be great. Will you not have a go?’
‘I will in me brown. Sorry love, but do you get many nutters doing this?’
‘Well, we’ve only been here since the summer. First permanent one in Ireland. There’s a few people out there now. Americans they are, or Canadians.’
‘Mad foreign bastards.’
‘Okay. Well, if you go out to the platform, you’ll meet Robbo. He’s the boss and he’ll sort you out.’
‘Grand,’ said Norman, striding out of the cabin.
The other two looked at Shauna, who was still smiling.
‘Not too late,’ she said, waving Norman’s disclaimer form.
‘Sorry,’ said Aesop. ‘There’s this thing I’ve to do later on this afternoon and I kind of have to be alive for it.’
She looked at them again, tapping her pen against her cheek.
‘Are you … are you guys … ?’
Jimmy nodded.
‘Oh brilliant! I thought I knew your face all right? Can I have an autograph?’
‘No problem.’
‘And can I take a picture on me phone?’
A couple of minutes later, the lads left her beaming at her phone and went out to find Norman. He was talking to Robbo, who was showing him all the gear.
‘What do you think?’ said Norman when he saw them coming over. He was holding up a big roll of bungee cord and grinning.
‘I think you need to sit down and have a cup of tea for yourself and think this through,’ said Aesop.
‘Did you look over the edge?’
Aesop gripped the railing in front of them and slowly leaned towards it. Then he looked out and down.
‘Oh holy Jesus,’ he said, leaning back quickly and pushing himself up against the opposite wall.
‘Safe as,’ said Robbo. Australian accent.
‘Safe as what?’ said Aesop, still running his hands along the wall behind him for something to grab onto.
‘Safe as you like!’ said Robbo.
‘Me bollocks.’
‘You’re not jumping?’
‘Correct.’
‘Mate, what would I have to do to convince you that it’s totally safe?’
‘Well, you’d have to move the whole fucking thing about two hundred and ninety-four feet closer to the ground for starters. And I still probably wouldn’t do it.’
‘Come on, ya poof. I have cords for every size. What do you weigh?’
‘Twenty-seven stone. Sorry Robbo. It’s not going to happen.’
‘What about your mate there?’
‘Ah … ’ said Jimmy. ‘I don’t think so. My insurance wouldn’t cover this.’
‘Mate, it’s all included in the seventy-five euro.’
‘Is it? Still … ’
He looked over the side and then edged back next to Aesop.
‘I don’t think so. Did you know there’s a sheep down there?’
‘That’s Woolly the Jumper. If you can grab a handful of wool, you get your money back.’
‘Right. Yeah. Anyone ever done it?’
‘Not yet mate.’
‘I’ll give it a go,’ said Norman.
‘Norman … ’ said Jimmy.
‘Seriously,’ said Norman to Robbo. ‘Can you get me that close to her?’
Robbo looked at him.
‘I was joking mate.’
‘Come on. I can do it.’
‘Eh … sorry mate. I can’t do that.’
‘Ah c’mon to fuck. It’ll be a laugh.’
Robbo looked at the other two, but they were staring at Norman.
‘Norman,’ said Jimmy. ‘Don’t be fucking stupid. Robbo was only messing.’
‘Hey Norman,’ said Aesop, pulling cigarettes out of his pocket. ‘I’ll give you another seventy-five on top of it if you can check whether she’s been squeezed.’
‘Remember how we established that we only squeeze the boys, Aesop?’ said Norman. ‘Anyway Jimmy, if you get the measurements right, it should be no problem. That right Robbo?’
‘Sorry mate. No facking way. It took me three years to get permission to open this place.’
‘Well, can you put me down further than seventy-five metres? Say, eighty-five? Ninety?’
‘Mate, if you really want to, I’ll get you down to eighty metres. That’s it.’
‘Okay so. That’ll do. Lads? Are you sure you won’t do it?’
‘Positive,’ said Jimmy, swallowing. He didn’t like being up here in this cage thing. He was already starting to hum a happy tune from his childhood in his head.
‘There’s a couple of girls over there that are thinking of giving it a go,’ said Robbo, pointing over to the other group, twenty metres away and trying on harnesses. ‘You don’t want to look like a couple of poofs now, do you?’
‘I don’t mind,’ said Aesop, looking around. He frowned. ‘Jimmy, is that who I think it is? There can’t be more than one raincoat like that in Kerry.’
Jimmy looked over. It was. The guy turned around and they could see his shiny choppers from here.
‘Hi guys!’ he shouted, and started to come over, waving.
‘Hiya,’ said Jimmy.
‘Going to give it a go? By the way, I’m Bill. I don’t think we introduced ourselves on the boat yesterday.’
‘Howya Bill. Jimmy. And Aesop.’
‘Hi guys. So … you going to jump? It’s smaller than the ones I’ve done before but, hell, a jump is a jump, right?’
Jimmy nodded.
‘Speaking of jumps,’ said Bill, leaning in and whispering. ‘My buddy and I got real lucky last night with two chicks from Sweden. Ya know what I mean?’
Aesop’s eyes doubled in size.
‘From Sweden?’
‘Yeah. Met them in some bar last night. Wow! Talk about a couple of honeys! I don’t usually go for blondes but … oh man … ’
Aesop looked over. There they were, the Ericsson sisters, laughing with the other two Americans.
‘So are you guys going to jump?’ said Bill again.
‘Eh … yeah. We are,’ said Aesop.
‘Great! Hey, we should get some pictures together. Come over when you’re ready, why doncha.’
They both watched him walk back over to the group.
‘You’re going to jump now, are you?’ said Jimmy.
‘I said “we”,’ said Aesop.
‘I heard what you said. And I’m not doing it.’
‘What’ll we look like if he jumps and we don’t?’
‘I don’t give a fuck what we look like. I wouldn’t jump off this mountain if I was bleedin’ Spiderman and I’m certainly not doing it just so you can impress some tart.’
‘It’s not the girl, man. It’s that Yank. He thinks he’s brilliant. The fucking jump isn’t high enough for him now, did you hear that? We’re jumping for Ireland here, sure.’
‘Ask me arse Aesop. I’m going to watch Norman jump, from a nice safe distance, and then I’m heading back down to the car and getting some lunch. There’s a pub down the road with a singing dog according to Norman.’
‘Yeah? What does he sing?’
‘Who the fuck knows.’
‘We’ll do that so. But the jump first, yeah?’
‘No.’
‘Well I’m doing it. Look, come on over to this crowd for a minute. I have to know if he rode them.’
‘He said he did, didn’t he? One of them anyway.’
‘Blokes are full of shit. You have to go to the source.’
‘They’re hardly going to tell you what they … ’
‘They won’t have to,’ said Aesop, walking away.
Jimmy followed him over and Bill introduced them all round. Aesop turned around at one point and gave Jimmy a solemn nod. It seemed that Bill had indeed scored, although Jimmy had no idea how Aesop knew this. He didn’t even want to know.
‘So,’ said Aesop. ‘You don’t reckon it’s high enough?’
‘Nah,’ said Bill. ‘I did a five hundred footer in Costa Rica last year. Now that was scary.’
‘Jaysis. You should be on the telly.’
‘This is only a small one. For kids.’
‘And you don’t reckon you’ll be scared at all? Did you not look over the side? It looked scary to me.’
‘Nah. Should be cool. Hey Elina, you want to help me with this thing?’
One of the Swedish girls came up and kissed him before helping him step into his harness. She gave Aesop a nice smile, one hand on her hip and one on Bill’s shoulder.
‘Hello again,’ said Aesop. He cleared his throat. ‘Okay, well I’ll seeya in a bit, Bill. My mate is itching to go, so we’re going to have a look at him first.’
‘No problem. We’ll see you in five.’
Aesop and Jimmy started walking back over towards Norman.
‘Did you see that?’ said Aesop. He was fuming, fists clenched. Jimmy had never seen him look so upset.
‘See what?’
‘Kissing her in front of me and everything. Cheeky fucker … coming over here like that, robbing our women … ’
‘She’s fucking Swedish, Aesop.’
‘It doesn’t matter. This is my turf, Jimmy!’
‘What? Your turf? We’re in bleedin’ Kerry, Aesop. You might as well have stepped out of a fucking spaceship, the head on you.’
‘He doesn’t even like blondes he said! What does that mean? What’s wrong with him? He’s just winding me up now, man.’
‘Will you give over, Aesop. He doesn’t even know you were talking to her last night.’
‘Me bollix Jimmy. And anyway, that pair are s’posed to be back in Athlone by now.’
‘Maybe he gave her such a good looking-after last night that she didn’t want to go back.’
‘Ah shut up Jimmy. That’s just being rude, now, so it is.’
‘You’re not really going to do it, are you?’
‘Someone has to put manners on the fucker.’
‘He doesn’t give a shite if you jump or not. How will that teach him manners?’
‘He’s been rising me for two days, Jimmy. Taking advantage of me when I’m sick on the boat and then when I’m trying to do the right thing by Norman with Helen. Then he’s snogging that gorgeous bundle right in front of me, and laughing in me face. And now you want me to let him think I’m a chickeny bastard who won’t even jump off a mountain?’
‘Look, Aesop, you do what you want. You fuckin’ eejit. But I’m not doing it.’ They were back at the main platform now. ‘Hey Norman, that didn’t take long.’
‘Sure I’ve done me share of this kind of thing. The gear’s the same.’
‘Are you ready to go?’
‘Yeah. Robbo, are we ready?’
‘Sure Norman. Are you ready?’
‘Yeah. Let’s go.’
‘Okay mate. You need to hop to the edge there. That’s right. Until your toes are just over the edge. Don’t look down.’
‘How will I be able to grab hold of Woolly if I don’t look down?’
‘Eh … ’
‘It’s grand Robbo. I’m only messing. Okay?’
‘Right. Now I’ll go one, two, three, BUNGEE! All right? You dive off like you’re diving into a pool.’
‘Grand. Lads, will you take a picture?’
‘Eh … ’ said Jimmy. ‘You mean lean over and … ’
‘It’s okay guys,’ said Robbo. ‘We have a guy over on that ridge. He’ll get some good shots and we can email them on to you, no charge. And then Phil on the winch here will go down and pull you back up.’
Phil gave them a wave. He looked cold and bored.
‘Lovely. Can I go so?’
‘Wait till I give you the countdown.’
‘Okay. Lads, you’re not going to see anything from back there.’
Jimmy and Aesop slowly moved to the railing again and clung onto the top of it.
‘One … two … three … BUNNNNGEEEEEE … ’
Norman let a whoop out of him and executed a beautiful dipping arc before the angle they needed to lean out at to see him became too much for the lads.
‘Faaack,’ said Robbo. ‘Nice dive. Has Norman really not done this before?’
‘Eh … well he’s done similar stuff,’ said Jimmy.
‘Facking mad as.’
‘Mad as what?’ said Aesop from up against the back wall again.
‘Mad as you like!’ said Robbo.
‘Does everyone talk like you in Australia Robbo?’ said Aesop.
‘Straylia? Faack. I’m a Kiwi, mate. Aussies are poofs!’
‘Oh right. Sorry.’
‘You poofs going to jump?’
‘I’m thinking about it,’ said Aesop.
‘Beauty. Okay, wait till I get Norman back up here and then I’ll go and check on the other guys.’
Phil was already en route down to Norman and a couple of minutes later the two of them appeared at the platform.
‘Holy fuck,’ said Norman, when he saw the lads. ‘That was fucking deadly!’
‘You’re mental,’ said Jimmy, shaking his head.
‘Lads you have to do it!’
‘Aesop is thinking about it.’
‘Good stuff out of you Aesop! You’ll love it!’
He detached himself from all the cables, wires and his harness and then thanked Robbo and Phil.
‘Man, I’d do that again in a flash. I can’t wait to see the pictures.’
‘We email them on to you Norman. You left your address with Shauna?’
‘Yeah, she has it. Thanks a lot.’
‘Right guys, I’m going to check on the others. Aesop, you want to start trying on harnesses there?’ He handed him one. ‘I reckon this one will do you.’
‘Thanks.’
A couple of minutes later Bill and his mates and the girls came over. Only the guys were doing the jump. Bill gave Elina another kiss right in front of Aesop and they both grinned at him. Now even Jimmy was sure that he was taking the piss. She must have said something to Bill about last night. Well, Aesop was the one that decided Helen was more important. He couldn’t exactly complain about it now that they were with Bill and his mate, could he? Still, Bill was being a bit of a prick about it.
‘How was that?’ said Bill.
‘You’ll love it,’ said Norman, still flushed and high as a kite. ‘It’s a right mad buzz!’
‘Thanks man. Pity it’s such a lame one though. Still it’s for the video blog, right? But I’ve done much tougher jumps.’
Norman nodded and looked a bit bemused.
‘I’ve done a few meself.’
‘Anyway Robbo, let’s go. If this is the only Irish bungee, then I guess I might as well do it.’
Once he was all strapped up and ready to go, he bunny-hopped to the edge.
‘Well,’ said Jimmy to Aesop. ‘He’s doing it. You’re up after him. Does your harness fit?’
‘Yeah, it’s grand,’ said Aesop.
‘Are you nervous?’
‘Actually Jimmy, I feel strangely calm.’
‘I think you’re a looper doing this just to prove some stupid point that he probably won’t even get anyway.’
‘Hey Aesop?’ called Bill, turning around from the very edge. ‘How do I look?’
‘You look brilliant, Bill.’
‘Elina? You ready with the video?’
‘Yes.’
Aesop pulled out another smoke and lit it up.
Robbo stood with one hand on Bill’s back.
‘Hey Aesop … ’ said Jimmy.
‘One, two, three … ’ said Robbo.
‘Just a second Jimmy,’ said Aesop.
‘BUNNNGEEEEE … ’ yelled Robbo.
Bill leapt into the air, arms out, one hand on top of the other, his body turning into an A-shape, bent at the waist, before he straightened out and hung for a split second right in front of them.
Aesop pulled the smoke out of his mouth, took a step forward and roared.
‘No Bill! No! Not yet! Jesus Christ, not yet!!’
But Bill was gone. Screaming and tumbling, his perfectly formed dive a distant memory as his arms and legs tried to flap their way back up to safety and his underpants quickly filled with urine. For a second, that’s all anyone could hear. Bill’s frantic screams of terror. Then they all turned to Aesop, who was taking off his harness, the smoke back in his mouth so he could use both hands. He looked up.
‘Jaysis, I’d say that’ll look deadly on his video blog,’ he said out of the corner of his mouth.
‘Aesop … ’ said Jimmy and Norman together, mouths open.
‘Aw … mate,’ said Robbo, shaking his head. ‘That was … ’
Elina was just looking at him in horror.
‘You evil, evil … ’ said Jimmy.
‘Later Jimmy. Listen, I think the best thing to do would be to get the fuck out of here, yeah?’
Norman nodded. He couldn’t speak.
‘Grand. Well, thanks for everything Robbo,’ said Aesop, handing him the harness.
‘You … and you’re not even going to jump?’
Aesop roared laughing.
‘I am in me bollix. I’m going for a pint. Lads? Seeya in the car.’
He took off away from the platform in a half jog. He went straight past the cabin and then stopped and walked back, sticking his head in the door.
‘Hey Shauna.’
‘Oh. Hi Aesop. You want to jump now?’
‘Nah. Listen, did I see a … ah. There it is. Will you do me a favour Shauna?’
‘Of course.’
*
‘How much is that doggie in the window?’ sang the man with the guitar.
‘Woof woof!’ went the little mutt.
‘The one with the waggly tail … ’
‘Woof woof!’
The lads were breaking their bollocks laughing.
Four miles back up the road, Bill had recovered sufficiently so that his shaking legs were able to carry him slowly to the cabin to pick up his keys and phone from the basket. He was dazed, dishevelled, queasy and very uncomfortable. He’d never relieved himself upside-down before and gravity had made shite of his t-shirt. Tear marks still stained his cheeks.
‘Hi Bill,’ said Shauna, all sweet and innocence. ‘Your mate Aesop told me you’d want this.’
Bill looked down at the saucer she was holding out.
‘I have butter and marmalade, but he said you preferred it dry?’