Aesop bounded up the stairs and into the reception. He stopped. There they were; Jimmy, Dónal … and Norman.
‘Howyiz lads,’ he said quietly.
‘Aesop.’
‘Eh … howya Norman. How’s things?’
‘Grand.’
‘How was … work?’
‘Grand.’
‘Eh … why are you here?’
Dónal leaned back in his chair and threw his pen onto the pages on the coffee table in front of him.
‘Norman is helping us out with our … security issue.’
‘Oh. So you know someone then Norman?’
‘Yeah. Me.’
‘What?’
‘We went over some of the names that I know, people that I’ve worked with before who are in this game now, and I realised that any bloke we got to keep an eye on you would eventually only wind up getting annoyed and kicking the shite of you himself. So I’m going to do it.’
‘Kick the shite out of me?’
‘I haven’t ruled it out.’
‘Right. Eh, Dónal, can we keep looking? I’m not feeling the love here.’
‘Sorry man,’ said Jimmy, smiling. ‘It’s a done deal. Actually, it’s perfect. He knows you, knows your habits, knows your mates and your family. He’ll be able to spot anything that doesn’t look right. Isn’t that right, Norman?’
‘Yep. A large initial part of this work is research on the principal. That’s you. I’ve had a lifetime doing that, God help me. This way I won’t have to waste any time briefing someone else and trying to explain that you’re like that all the time.’
‘So … and what happens now?’
‘Me and you go back to your place and I check it out. Then I’ll go home and get some things and bring them over.’
‘What things?’
‘Clothes, toothbrush, rubber ducky …’
‘You’re moving in?!’
‘Yep.’
‘But … but …’
‘I can’t keep an eye on you if I’m not there, can I?’
‘But I only just moved in. I was starting to get the hang of the place, y’know? And anyway, who said I needed someone to live in the gaff? Can I not just give you a bell if I’m going out or something?’
‘As far as we understand it, Aesop, all the problems you’ve had so far have been at home, right?’
‘Well … yeah.’
‘So that’s where you need looking after.’
‘But the … will you stop saying it like that? I’m not a fucking baby.’
The others all looked at each other.
‘I’m not!’
Jimmy stood up and handed Aesop a sheet of paper.
‘We know you’re not. But this is the way these things work. Look …’
Aesop started to read.
‘Discreet?’
‘Yeah,’ said Norman, smiling. ‘One of my attributes as a close protection professional. I printed some stuff off the Web earlier so you’d have an idea of what to expect.’
‘Look at the size of you and the big red head! How is that discreet? You don’t exactly blend in around normal people, do you?’
‘Yeah, well she’s not trying to cut my bollocks off.’
‘Don’t say that! She just … she probably just needs a hug.’
‘Yeah, you just keep telling yourself she’s only after a hug.’
‘I am.’
‘Good luck with that.’
‘Fuck sake. You’re s’posed to be on my side Norman. Some bleedin’ bodyguard you are, saying shite like that. Am I not s’posed to feel relaxed when you’re around?’
‘Actually, you should just think of me as a chaperone.’
‘I don’t need a chaperone.’
‘That’s kind of what it is though,’ said Dónal. ‘A lot of time, the management of a … wayward … talent makes sure someone responsible is around so he doesn’t get himself into trouble.’
‘What are you on about? I thought we were worried about trouble I’m already in, not trouble I’m planning to get into in the future.’
‘Two birds,’ said Jimmy. ‘Till this thing blows over.’
‘So … so that’s it then? Kevin fuckin’ Costner here is going to move in with me, is he?’
‘That’s right Whitney. Me and you. Except I’m not planning on getting shot.’
‘But you’re not even a bodyguard, Norman. You’re a bleedin’ gardener.’
‘Not much work in the oul’ gardening this weather.’
‘But still. I mean … have you ever even done this before?’
‘Is it an interview now you’re giving me?’
‘No. Well, yeah. A bit. Are you qualified?’
Norman laughed.
‘How many times have I saved your bollocks over the years when your big gob ran away from your brain?’
‘But this is different.’
‘I know. I’m getting paid this time.’
‘How much?’
‘That’s between me and your manager.’
‘Well, who was the last person you bleedin’ … chaperoned, then?’
‘You wouldn’t have heard of him.’
‘Try me.’
‘Well, I can’t tell you about the last one. But, just to set your mind at ease, back in the nineties I was deployed in Sierra Leone as part of an international covert Special Forces team to support and train ECOMOG troops trying to restore stability to the region after one of the more brutal RUF incursions towards Freetown. I had to train and supervise the troops that were assigned as close protection to one of the government envoys trying to broker a ceasefire. You probably remember from the telly that ECOMOG eventually managed to overthrow the Koromah junta and then later on UNAMSIL got involved and the Brits helped them catch Sankoh?’
‘Eh … was that on a Wednesday? Cos I was probably watching Coronation Street. Was it the time you fell and cut your leg?’
‘Yeah. I fell. It wasn’t a sniper round at all. Langer. Anyway, I think the point is that I’m qualified to keep an eye on a little shitebag like you. I’m assuming that this young one who’s after you doesn’t have access to automatic weapons or keep a stash of frag grenades under her bed, so I think I should be able to manage.’
Aesop sighed and looked down at his page again. He saw something and pointed to it.
‘Yeah? Well it says here you’re not s’posed to be making assumptions.’
‘Oh right. I must be rusty so.’
‘Actually, speaking of beds …’ Aesop sighed. ‘Looks like I had a visitor last night.’
‘What?’
They all looked at him.
‘I went home this morning from Jimmy’s and the door was bloody open.’
‘Jesus. Not again,’ said Jimmy.
‘Yeah. Well, obviously I didn’t lock it myself when I … left. And I don’t know if Trish closed it properly after her either when she was going out.’
‘Trish who?’ said Dónal.
‘Eh …’
‘It doesn’t matter,’ said Norman. ‘So, what happened?’
‘Well, I went in and looked around. No problem. I went upstairs to change and when I came out of the shower, the fresh jocks I was after putting out ready on the bed were all damp.’
‘What do you mean damp?’ said Norman.
‘I mean the bed was wet.’
‘She put water on the bed.’
‘Not water. Piss.’
‘What?!’
‘She pissed on the bed.’
‘Are you serious?’ said Jimmy.
‘Why would I fucking make that up?’
‘Fuck sake!’
‘But why did you put clothes on the bed if it was after being pissed on?’
‘I didn’t realise.’
‘Someone pisses on your bed and you don’t notice?’
‘Well the room is only after being painted, isn’t it? There’s a funny smell in it anyway.’
‘Paint doesn’t smell like piss Aesop.’
‘I know that. Can we stop with the fucking clever observations? She was there last night after I left and she pissed on the bed. That’s all I’m saying.’
‘Was there anything else?’
‘Well … I’m not sure. But I can’t find me Cradle of Filth t-shirt.’
‘Jesus, Aesop, that could be anywhere. The state of your bedroom, you messy bastard.’
‘Well, I thought it was on the shelf. Although, to be fair, it might have been this young one I rode a couple of weeks ago that took it. She was doing some ironing for me …’
‘You have them doing your fucking ironing now?! For fu …’
‘No Jimmy, Jesus. What do you take me for? Just this one. And she offered. Y’see, she was trying to get the nozzle of the hoover under the tumble dryer and saw that it was full of clothes, so the next thing …’
‘You’re actually going to make me listen to this shite, are you?’
‘I’m just saying, maybe that might be what happened to the t-shirt. Cos I’m after losing a few bits of clothes over the last while. It’s not enough that I’m giving them half a kilo of pud, now they want a souvenir as well to take home with them afterwards, greedy bastards. Man, I loved that t-shirt. It’s one of me favourites, Jimmy. Remember when I got it? Remember that time when we were all down in …’
‘Aesop …’
‘But I could’ve nearly sworn it was on the shelf next to the …’
‘Aesop, can we talk about it later? Stupid fucking t-shirts aside, was anything else taken?’
‘Don’t think so. Just that and the pissy bed. Oh, and more bleedin’ flowers. Except in the kitchen sink this time, with water and everything. So I, got dressed and came here.’
‘I’ll call Garda Ní Mhurchú,’ said Jimmy, standing up.
Norman nodded and bit at his lip, saying nothing.
‘What now?’ said Aesop.
‘I’m thinking that maybe you staying there isn’t such a good idea,’ said Norman.
‘Ah Jaysis. Why?’
‘Why? Because it’s too dangerous.’
‘But you’ll be there. If she turns up, you can just grab her and beat the fuck out of her.’
‘That’s not how it works Aesop.’
‘Of course it is. She comes along when she’s dying for a shite, or whatever she has planned next for me, and you drop out of a tree and grab her head – twist, crunch, the job is done. She falls to the ground twitching.’
‘This isn’t “Enter the Ninja”, Aesop. The whole point of what I’m there for is to avoid any confrontation at all and let the police do their job.’
‘You fuckin’ chicken.’
‘I’m serious Aesop, if you or I ever have to get involved with this girl then something has already gone arseways.’
‘I’m already involved with her Norman. I have a mattress full of her wee for fuck sake.’
‘Ah, you know what I mean. But, seriously … pissing on your bed … Christ, what did you do to this girl?’
‘Who’s the bleedin’ victim here Norman? It’s not my fault she’s a spacer.’
Norman nodded. He was thinking about Aesop’s townhouse, the courtyard outside, the door and windows. He thought about Trish being there on her own last night, however briefly, and about Jennifer, Jimmy and everyone else who went there. Including other girls that Aesop had been picking up. No. It was no good. He’d check it out, get the place locked up properly and then get Aesop out of there and fixed up somewhere else. His own place was no good. He wasn’t bringing Aesop into the same house as his Mam. Jimmy’s was no good either. They had to go somewhere completely different. Dónal would have to pay for a hotel in town or something. But … no. That wouldn’t work either. If Aesop was still living in town, he’d be walking around and going out to all his usual haunts. Norman would have to handcuff him to the bathroom sink or he’d never stay still. They had to get out of town completely for a week or two.
‘Is he needed?’ he said to Dónal and Jimmy, pointing at Aesop.
‘Needed?’
‘Are you lot working on a record or something?’
‘Well, no. We’ve got a tour coming up though. Rehearsals. Why?’
‘I’m thinking maybe it’s a better idea if he wasn’t in Dublin.’
‘Where are you thinking?’
‘Don’t know. Down the country somewhere. Just some place out of the way. There’s no point in asking for trouble with him hanging around the city, is all.’
‘Where were you thinking of bringing him?’ said Dónal.
‘Not sure yet. Away though. He doesn’t exactly keep a low profile, does he?’
‘No he doesn’t.’
‘Who the fuck is “he”?’ said Aesop, looking around at everyone. ‘The cat’s mother?’
‘Can he be gone for a couple of weeks just?’
Jimmy and Dónal looked at each other, weighing it up.
‘Well it’s not ideal,’ said Jimmy. ‘But I s’pose he could come back for a few sessions with me and then head off again.’
‘Come back from fucking where?’ said Aesop, but no one was listening.
‘Yeah, yeah …’ said Norman. ‘That might work.’
Norman was starting to have an idea. His Granny’s old house in Cork. He knew everyone in the village and Aesop wouldn’t be able to do anything or go anywhere without Norman knowing about it.
‘Okay, I have it,’ he said. ‘We’ll go to Cork.’
‘We’ll what?’ said Aesop. ‘Cork?’
‘I have a place there we can use.’
‘Your Granny’s?’ said Jimmy. ‘Are you sure that’s all right?’
‘It’ll be grand.’
‘Cork?’ said Aesop again.
‘And it’s exactly what we want. Away from everything that’s going on here. Two weeks, say, and the Guards should have an idea of the score with the other one.’
Dónal looked at Jimmy.
‘Well … if you’re sure,’ he said. ‘We really appreciate this Norman.’
‘It’s fine. No problem.’
‘Cork?’
‘We’ll get going this afternoon. I just need to make a few calls around the family to make sure nothing’s going on, but I’m sure we’ll be grand.’
Aesop eventually put his hands up in the air and stood up.
‘Excuse me a fucking minute please,’ he said.
They all looked up at him.
‘What?’
‘Why is no one talking to me about any of this?’
‘We are.’
‘You’re not. You’re telling me I’m going to go down the bog and live with Sergeant Slaughter here, but I don’t hear anyone asking me what I think about it.’
‘Well, what do you think about it?’
‘I’m not going! Cork? Will you get fucked, will you? You can eat my black shite if you think I’m spending a fortnight in the arsehole of nowhere in Norman’s Granny’s farmhouse.’
‘Aesop, it’s to make sure no one knows where you are.’
‘Fuck off! What am I meant to do in Cork?’
‘Not get your throat slit for starters.’
‘Not get my throat slit? Jimmy, you know what I’m like around culchies. They’re always trying to beat me up.’
‘That’s because you’re always annoying them.’
‘It’s just a bit of slagging.’
Norman stood up and clapped Aesop on the back.
‘Well Aesop, you’re about to learn to have some respect for your country brethren. You might even learn more than manners.’
‘This is bollocks!’ said Aesop. ‘You’re not s’posed to give in to mad people! It’s only when we … when … the terrorists make everyone afraid of … the … when you stop being … and it’s because terrorism is after making you not do the things that … that’s … that’s when they win!’
‘Well done Aesop,’ said Jimmy. ‘You should write a newsletter.’
‘Piss off you. You know what I mean. She’s fucking up me life here.’
‘I know, man. Sorry. But Norman knows what he’s talking about. It really is better if you get out of Dublin for a little while. The cops will catch up with her and it’ll be all over. Look, I’m going to call Garda Ní Mhurchú now and tell her about the piss. I’ll tell her you’ll be heading off to Cork this afternoon as well.’
‘Dónal. Help me out here.’
‘Sorry Aesop. Norman’s the boss and he knows what’s best. It won’t be for long. No one will know you’re there.’
‘But you lot know, don’t you?’
‘Well we won’t say anything.’
‘And what if she grabs one of you and tortures you to find out where I am?’
‘I can’t see her doing that,’ said Norman.
‘There we go again with the fucking assumptions, Norman!’ said Aesop, waving his page in the air.
‘Well, they don’t know where the house is anyway, do they? She can torture them to death and they still wouldn’t be able to give anything away.’
‘Fuck sake Norman,’ said Jimmy, scratching his head and looking at Dónal.
‘Fuck sake is right,’ said Aesop. ‘Two weeks in the crotch of Cork? What is there to do? I betcha they don’t even have a zoo down there, do they?’
‘What do you want a zoo for?’ said Norman. ‘You’ll be out in the countryside. There’s animals all over the place.’
‘What animals?’
‘Cows and sheep and …’
‘Oh fucking marvellous. Cows. The great natural entertainers of the animal kingdom. For fuck sake Norman, I want monkeys.’
‘Well there’s rabbits. Rabbits are a laugh.’
‘Rabbits. Jesus.’
‘And foxes and squirrels and stoats and badgers …’
‘Me hole.’
‘And the birdlife down there is …’
‘Birds are shite.’
‘Well, Christ Aesop, I’m sorry the granny didn’t leave us a house in Borneo.’
‘Borneo? They’ve good zoos there, do they?’