When I met with Kathy on a sunny Tuesday afternoon, she was vibrant and talkative. She was eager to give me an account of how well her life was going. As she went on, I listened with the feeling that something was amiss. Then she said, “Oh, by the way, I have to go into the hospital on Thursday for a biopsy. My doctor is concerned about a lump.”
So that was it.
“The doctor says it’s routine. They’re very thorough, you know.” She told me this while smiling and fidgeting with the handle of her purse. As a therapist and life coach, I’ve learned that the things people tell me last are usually the things most important to them. “Kathy,” I said, “do you want me to go with you?”
Suddenly her face lost the glossy, carefree look. “I’m not worried, of course! I know God will be with me, but it’ll be comforting to know you’ll be there too.”
She didn’t want me to think she was the least bit nervous. She denied that there could be anything upsetting about the possibility of something being wrong with her body. But her denial of her anxiety and fear could actually cause her more fear and anxiety in the long run. A happiness skill is learning to face our fears head-on.
The Way of Escape
Nobody enjoys being stressed-out or anxious. We want to be happy people, so when we’re faced with anxiety-arousing situations, if we can’t deal with our feelings, we come up with ways to escape them. Here are the four main ways we try to escape and mask our fears and anxieties:
Denial
Denial is a powerful defense against facing our fears and negative feelings. My friend Kathy didn’t want to face her fears of what she called the C word, so she denied her feelings and covered them with a shaky belief that all would turn out rosy.
Denial is an attempt to disavow the existence of unpleasant reality. But when we deny our negative feelings, we open ourselves up to unmanageable inner turmoil. If you perceive something to be painful or threatening, denying the feeling will only increase a sense of uncertainty and instability.
Denial is a means of coping that denies what we feel. The truth of a situation is too painful to face, so we deny its relevance or even its existence. Scarlett O’Hara, in the book and movie Gone with the Wind, gives us a good illustration of denial when her world falls apart and she says, “I won’t think about that today. I’ll think about it tomorrow.”
Jeanne tells me that Joe, her on-again-off-again boyfriend, wants her to loan him money to start a new business. She tells me this with a big, cheesy smile. “Of course he’ll pay me back.”
“Has he paid you back all the money he’s already borrowed from you?” I innocently ask.
“Well, yes, I mean—well, no, not exactly all of it.”
I pause. “How much of what he already owes you has he actually paid back?”
She’s edgy now. “Oh heavens, I haven’t really kept track. I don’t know. He means well.”
Another pause. “Explain what you mean by ‘means well.’”
“Really, Marie. He totally intends to pay it all back.” The cheesy smile fades.
I wonder who she’s talking to, who she’s trying to convince. On she talks. “Joe needs this loan for a really great business opportunity that he’s come up with. He stands to make a lot of money, and then he says he’ll pay me back with interest!”
Do you see denial here? Jeanne can’t, or won’t, face the truth that Joe is taking her for a ride. She’s handed over thousands of dollars, none of which he’s made the slightest effort to pay back. The person in denial will make excuses for their denial with statements like those Jeanne made.
The alcoholic and drug addict are almost always in some state of denial. “No, not me! I don’t have a problem! I can stop any time!” “I don’t drink too much!” “I can handle the drugs. I’m not addicted!” The alcoholic and the addict lie to themselves and deny the significance of the endless problems associated with drinking or drugging. The loss of jobs, bad relationships, poor health, and DUIs are all due to some outside circumstance, rotten luck, stupid laws, or an injustice done to them.
Here are some triggers to watch for with denial:
Avoidance
We engage in avoidance behavior when we’re willing to talk about anything except our fears. Avoidance is different from denial in that denial says, “Who me? I don’t have a problem,” while avoidance says, “Okay, I have a problem, but it’s my own business. I’ll put it on the back burner for now.” (Shades of Scarlett O’Hara here.) Avoidance talk always includes, “Let’s just see what happens,” or the abominable snowman of expressions, “Whatever.”
The person who realizes there’s a problem avoids doing something about it by telling themselves that their problems are private. No need to bring them out in the open, and no need to do something about them now. “Everyone has their vices.” The person in avoidance doesn’t want anyone to pry into their life to make them take a good look at themselves and what they fear.
Rationalization
When we rationalize, we make excuses for our bad behavior or our problems. The alcoholic says, “I have a good reason to drink. If you were in my shoes, you’d drink too.” Failure is something we commonly rationalize. We rationalize our failures rather than learn from them. In failed relationships, we rationalize that the fault wasn’t ours—we had good reasons for our actions. “We broke up because I’d had it with their problems.” Physical and verbal abuse are always accompanied by rationalization. “She deserved it.” “He asked for it!” “I can’t help it!” “My problems are not my fault, so I don’t have to deal with them!” “It’s their fault.” As long as we can blame someone or something else, we don’t have to be responsible for our behavior.
Narcotizing
We narcotize ourselves against fear and anxiety in a number of ways, such as oversleeping, excessive TV watching, shopping, overeating, talking on the telephone—in other words, escape behaviors that become addictive. Mind-altering drugs aren’t just found on the street and back alleys of a nonbelieving world. Many Christians turn to mind-numbing substances in the form of alcohol and pills as a means of relaxation, relief, and escape. These can turn into serious addictions.
Misbeliefs Associated with Faulty Escapes
Here are some telltale misbeliefs associated with denial, avoidance, rationalization, and the use of narcotics as unhealthy ways to escape fear and anxiety:
To Fear or Not to Fear
From the day we can walk, we’re taught to be brave little soldiers, especially little boys. “Big boys don’t cry.” “Be a man.” “Think like a hero.” We’re taught we’re sissies if we’re afraid. Little girls are taught it’s not pretty to cry. Along with the message that fear is bad, we’re also taught to be terrified. “Don’t go in the street. You’ll get hit by a car and die!” “Don’t touch that!” “You’ll poke your eye out!” “Don’t eat that! You’ll get sick!” So many things to be afraid of. I remember being afraid to play with a big girl my age in kindergarten because I heard my dad say if she sat on me she could crush me to death.
Mixed messages. We learn that to be afraid is bad, but we also learn that there are countless things to be terrified of!
Fear can be a good thing when it causes us to act. God created our brains to act on fear, not deny it. It’s late and the children aren’t home yet, so we get on the phone to find out where they are and if they’re safe. A tornado is heading our way, so we get to a place of protection.
What about the things that cause fear that we can’t do something about, like the company’s downsizing, or the airplane we’re on that starts flipping around in the air like a kite, or the guy in a mask who enters the bank with a gun?
Here’s where the inner you jumps in and takes over. Here’s where your inner spiritual work reveals the real you. I’m suggesting you continue to deepen your Quiet Prayer moments in order to build your inner strength and enliven yourself in the power of the Holy Spirit for the times when you face the most difficult and painful situations. Permit your fearful words and thoughts to drop into the Lord’s hands throughout the day. Perfect love casts out fear, and you, my friend, are perfectly loved.
If you follow my suggestions for Quiet Prayer in this book, you’ll discover a new mind-set strengthening you when you’re faced with a tough or frightening situation. You might possibly hear in the back of your mind, “Be still, and know that I am God” (Ps. 46:10), and sense peace and confidence coming over you. With the wonder of who He is within you, very gently open your soul to His leading.
Dealing with Fear
Fear is a happiness-robbing emotion, and trying to escape fear is an unhealthy response. The good news is there are tools you can use to deal with fear so you can be happy in an unhappy world. The world around you may be unhappy and confused, but not you.
The first step in neutralizing fear is to recognize and admit your feelings. “You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free” (John 8:32). Allow the truth to jostle around inside you right now. Open the eyes of your mind.
The second step is to practice inner stillness. Don’t rush this. Stay here. It doesn’t matter how much noise is going on around you. Go inside to that secret place and allow your thoughts to quiet down.
The third step is to call upon the verses you’ve memorized. Here are some verses from God’s arsenal of protection and help in time of need:
Don’t be shy about repeating a verse. Repeat one verse all day long if you have to. I love the Chaplet of Divine Mercy in which for a half hour or so the congregation is led in singing the words, “For the sake of His sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world.” Not being Catholic, I was unaware the first time I heard this that it was the first day of the Divine Mercy Novena initiated by St. Faustina. (A novena is a series of prayers said for nine days straight.) I didn’t know there were many ways to pray this novena and more than one musical adaptation. I bought a CD, and every time I pray and sing along with the CD, I begin to weep about five minutes into it.
When you repeat the words of a prayer, a psalm, or a Scripture passage over and over again, they explode in you and around you in a shower of revelation. I simply can’t take part in the Chaplet of Divine Mercy without crying. As I sing the words, I go to the cross, I go to the magnificence of God’s forgiveness, I go to the stunning gift of life He gives us by indwelling us. Don’t be afraid to repeat Scripture or words of glorious faith. When your heart is open, the repetition can be something glorious.
You might ask if crying is a happy thing to do. I have to answer yes, because everything that brings me to a more deeply centered place in Christ leads to happiness.
Sometimes we can be afraid of something and not realize it. A good example is harboring a dread of saying the wrong thing or of coming across badly. This fear, if never dealt with, ferments inside the soul and gets confused with shyness. But shyness is often an excuse. It may be that you’re not shy, but rather that you’re full of yourself.
Being oblivious to your fears brings on happiness robbers such as suspicion, distrust, and diffidence that if unchecked can take over your life. You’ll be suspicious. You won’t trust people. You’ll shrink into yourself. Only by facing our fears can we know what it is to be brave.
The Daredevil Mentality
We all know someone we think of as a daredevil. That’s the person who seems to look for and thrive on danger. It’s not that they have no fear. It’s that some people deny their fear by doing outrageously frightening acts. To boast, “Nothing scares me” can signal a denial of fear. They may be very much afraid, and to compensate for that fear, to squash it down, they compromise their safety. To that person, fear or being afraid is a negative thing. The daredevil often isn’t in touch with their fears, and they often have no idea that their brave acts are compensating for an abhorrence for weakness and a fear of being weak or afraid.
The true hero admits their weaknesses and their fear and works through them. There are so many heroes I could name, such as firefighters, like my brother, who put their lives on the line each time they climb into a uniform, and our military men and women who dare to face danger in spite of their apprehensions and fears. Notice I said in spite of their fears, not by denying their fears.
Every human being on the planet experiences fear. It’s what we do with our fear that shapes us. All of our emotions are important. To deny ourselves the right to experience fear is denying ourselves the right to be human. Trying to escape fear will cause us to live our lives in one long postponement with only glimpses of happiness.
Close your eyes and pause for a few minutes of Quiet Prayer as you let go of your fears and anxiety before we go on to the next chapter, where I’ll talk more about fear and how to get rid of its grip.