9

 

Niamh set the triptych down on the table where he could see it. She glanced at Jared to see the color drain from his face. His tongue moved over his lips nervously and his hands shook as he clenched them.

Lord, help me here. Don’t let me say the wrong thing and upset him more, she whispered. Although how could I possibly make this bad situation any worse?

He looked awful. The grief radiating from him almost palpable as he slumped in the chair opposite her, his hands twisted in front of him. His eyes glistened. “Her name was Dayna. She was three when that photo was taken. She looked just like you, had the same mannerisms. She’d sing all the time, play dress-up and dolls. Her favorite game was putting on a long black dress and saying she was going to work to lock up the bad guys so they wouldn’t hurt anyone anymore. She wanted to be a barrister like you.”

“What happened?” She could see the child on the swing again and a small white coffin.

“The fire was almost two years ago. Twenty two months to be precise. It was Christmas Eve. We’d had a busy day, what with food shopping and visiting your parents for dinner. Dayna was over excited and hadn’t gone to bed very early or easily. Eventually you convinced her that Father Christmas wouldn’t come if she wasn’t in bed and asleep. We’d gone to bed soon after she did, and left the fire in the lounge to go out by itself. Something we’d done a hundred times if not more. The fireguard was up and nothing should have happened. But it was a very windy night and the chimney caught fire. Something must have dislodged and fallen into the fireplace, knocking over the fireguard. It was an old house and burned quickly.”

Tears spilled from his eyes and down his cheeks as he spoke. “The smoke alarm woke me. I could hear her screaming. I woke you and told you to get out while I went to get her.”

Niamh’s hand covered her mouth, tears filling her own eyes.

“I took you to the top of the stairs and you went down them and outside to call for help. Dayna’s room was next to the chimney, further along the landing. It was a scene from hell. There were flames everywhere, the air full of thick choking smoke. Dayna stood in the middle of the room, screaming my name and begging me to come and get her. I called to her, but she was too scared to move. As I went into the room to get her, the floor she was standing on gave way.”

Niamh whimpered, seeing it happen in her mind’s eye as he spoke. Rivers of tears ran down her cheeks, huge sobs welled up within her and spilled from her uncontrollably.

“There was nothing I could do. I ran downstairs and into the lounge wanting to find her, but the place was an inferno. The blokes had to drag me out when they arrived. They didn’t find her body until the fire was out.” He looked over at her and stretched out a hand. “I’m so sorry.”

Niamh ignored him, pushing up from the table. Balancing on the crutches, she left the room as quickly as possible, heading for the bathroom. Barely making it in time, she leant over the sink, heaving and retching.

 

****

 

Jared sat in the kitchen, not bothering to stop the tears from falling onto the triptych in his hands. Dayna’s screams and the way she looked at him was something he’d remember until the day he died. He’d refused to let Niamh see her charred body.

Losing his only daughter had made him a little more, not exactly reckless, but more likely to take that extra risk in a fire if someone were trapped. He put his life and soul into his job. No other parent should ever have to go through what he and Niamh had.

He reached for the phone, and then shook his head. He’d try to comfort her first and if she didn’t want it, if she blamed him like she had done every single day since the fire, then he’d call Liam. He stood and headed into the hall. The door to the downstairs bathroom opened and he looked at Niamh as she came out. The same hollow, gaunt look that he knew so well was back. “Hon…” he whispered.

“I don’t…” She broke off in another sea of tears.

“Niamh, I really tried to get to her. I promise.” Tears streaked his face. “If I could have died in her place I would have.”

He moved closer to her and wrapped his arms around her. She stiffened and he pulled back. “Sorry. I’m sorry.”

“You lied to me. You all lied to me. You, Mum, Patrick, Liam. You all sat there and told me I didn’t have children. But I did and she’s gone and I don’t even remember her.”

His heart broke again. He’d made the wrong decision and things had just gotten worse. “I’m sorry. Do you want me to tell you about her?”

“No! I want you to leave.” Sparks flew from her eyes, her distraught voice tinged with anger. “Just get out.”

“OK. I’ll go pack a bag, stay with Liam. Do you want me to send him over?”

“No. He’s as bad as you are. I’m going to bed. I don’t want you here when I get up.” She turned and headed up the stairs as fast as the crutches would let her.

He sank to his knees, tears pouring down his face, his soul in turmoil.

How many times do I have to tell her I’m sorry before she’ll forgive me? But why should she when I can’t forgive myself? I killed our baby—oh, God, I’m sorry…

The storm of tears passed, he pushed up and went to pack his things. He grabbed the landline phone from the hall on his way to the stairs. “Hey, Liam, it’s Jared.”

“What’s up? You sound terrible.”

“Niamh found out about Dayna. She must have gone searching the sideboard whilst I was out because the pictures were buried.”

“I did tell you that lying to her was a bad idea, but did you listen to me?”

“I know. Next time make sure I do. She doesn’t want me here right now. Don’t suppose I can sleep at yours on the sofa, can I? Just for tonight. Hopefully she’ll calm down and we can talk about this tomorrow.”

“Of course you can stay. I’ll make up the couch for you. Want me to come over and speak to her?”

“I suggested that. She doesn’t want to see you either. In her eyes, everyone lied to her this afternoon.”

“That’s because we did.”

“No. Strictly speaking, we don’t have children. We did, but now…” Jared’s voice caught. “I’m packing as we speak. I’ll be with you in a bit.”

“OK. Look, do me a favor. Take the phone to Niamh. Tell her I have to speak to her.”

“OK. But if she refuses, don’t blame me.”

 

****

 

Niamh glared at the shut door as the persistent knock came again. “I told you to go away,” she called.

“I’m just leaving, but there’s a phone call for you.”

“Tell them I’m asleep.”

“That’s a lie.”

“Hah!” she snorted. “That’s rich coming from you.”

“Niamh, they can hear you yelling, they know you’re in. The phone is on the banister, please take it.”

Niamh waited until the front door had slammed shut before she went to answer the phone. “Hello.”

“Niamh, it’s me.”

“What do you want, Liam?”

“To explain and apologize.”

“There is no explanation. You lied. You all did. I’ve no idea if Jared is a habitual liar, but I know you’re not. I asked outright, Liam, and was told no kids.”

“Jared had his reasons for not wanting you told about Dayna just yet.”

“I bet he did.” Anger spilled from every pore, filling her voice with bitterness and grief.

“Listen to me. You asked me if you and Jared were having problems, remember?”

Niamh snorted. “I remember this afternoon and the last few days just fine. It’s the preceding ten years I don’t remember. I know we no longer share a room as there is nothing of Jared’s in the master bedroom and I found an email talking about a divorce.”

“You kicked him out. You never forgave him for Dayna’s death. You put the blame solely on him.”

She sat on the bed. Her heart hammered and she struggled to form the words. “I—I did what?”

“You blamed him. Said he should have made sure the fire was out before he went to sleep. That he should have saved her. He saves people for a living and was unable to save your daughter.” Liam’s voice cracked. “Your daughter, not his.”

“Oh.” The knife in her gut twisted further.

“Yes, oh.” Anger tinged Liam’s voice and she wondered how long he’d kept this bottled up. “You forgot he was grieving, too. The firefighters had to drag him out of the inferno your home had become. He got burned trying to save her and you didn’t even go and visit him in the hospital. The only reason you are both living in the same house is because you insisted on him paying the mortgage and you couldn’t afford a mortgage and rent on another place.”

“I don’t remember any of this.” Her stomach churned and guilt riddled her. Was she really that horrible? He’d gotten so upset telling her about Dayna. Surely he wouldn’t have stood there and watched a child die? Watched his child die and not tried to save her. But that didn’t excuse the fact he’d lied to her.

“I never knew you had such a vindictive streak in you. He never stopped loving you. But you? You turned your love for him off at the mains and never looked back. Not once did you refer to Dayna as Jared’s daughter or take his grief into consideration.”

“I’m not the person I was then. She went to work one morning and just didn’t come back.”

“Oh, she’s still there, Niamh. One slight mistake on Jared’s part and you throw him out. Just like before.”

Niamh closed her eyes. There was no listening to or reasoning with him when he was like this. “Jared lied to me. I’m going to bed. Night.”

She cut off the call and tossed the phone onto the bed beside her. Leaning backwards, she pushed into the pillows. Why would she blame Jared? Would she really have just shoved him aside and looked into getting a divorce?

What kind of a horrid person was she? Bile rose around the heavy rock in the pit of her stomach. She shouldn’t have spoken to either Liam or Jared like that. Forgive me. She picked up the phone and redialed. The phone answered on the fourth ring. “Liam, it’s me. I’m sorry.”

“Apology accepted.” He was still mad at her, his voice taut and curt.

“Is Jared there yet?”

There was a long pause. “He’s just got here.” A muffled conversation took place before Liam spoke again. “He says he’s going to shower and go to bed. He doesn’t want to talk to you.”

“Oh.” Tears burned her eyes and the lump in her throat threatened to choke her. “What have I done? I’m sorry.”

“It’s not me you need to apologize to.”

“I said horrible things to him. What if he won’t forgive me?” She let the tears fall. She deserved to feel this way. Maybe they would have been better off if she had died in the crash.

Liam paused again. “Let me come and get you and you can sleep here. I’ll kip on the other couch in the lounge with Jared, and you can have my room.”

“I can’t kick you out of your room. We shared a bedroom until we were what sixteen, seventeen? And if you sleep in with Jared, he’s going to want to know why.”

“Fine, you have the bed and I’ll have the floor. That way you can talk with Jared in the morning and decide what you both want to do. I’ll be here until eight, then I have to leave for school.”

“And if he won’t or can’t forgive me?”

“Then I guess you just have to move on. One of you can stay at mine for the time being. Pack an overnight bag, sis. I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

The phone cut off and Niamh looked at it. Numb and cold, his words echoed in her mind. You just have to move on? “What have I done?”

 

****

 

Niamh looked up from the mug of tea as Jared walked into the kitchen just after seven thirty a.m. Shirtless, he pushed a hand through sleep tousled hair. Bare feet peeked beneath track suit bottoms. She knew she was staring, but couldn’t help it. Across the muscled shoulders, puckered scarred skin stretched. The telltale marks of having been caught in a severe fire. Was it in the line of duty or…?

“He got burned trying to save her, and you didn’t even go and visit him in the hospital.”

Liam held out a mug of coffee. “Morning, Jared. How did you sleep?”

Jared took the cup. “I didn’t really. Well, I dozed a little. Dreamt about the fire and losing Dayna again.” His voice tailed off, his gaze falling on Niamh. “What’s she doing here?”

“I picked her up after you went to bed. She had my bed, I had the floor, and we shared a room just like when we were kids. You two need to talk.”

Jared set the cup down forcefully, spilling coffee onto the table. “There’s nothing to say.”

The ice in his voice froze the blood in her veins. This was a stupid idea. She needed to get out of here.

Pulling the crutches towards her, Niamh stood. “I’m sorry. I should never have come. I’ll get my bag and call a cab. I’ll wait out the front for it.”

“You’ll do no such thing. Sit down the pair of you.”

Stunned by the authority in Liam’s voice, she sat, noting Jared did the same thing.

“Right,” Liam continued, setting a series of photographs on the table between them. “You’ve both avoided this since she died, but no more. This is Dayna, your daughter, Niamh. Yours and Jared’s very much loved and wanted daughter. She was three when she died. We were wrong to keep it from you. It was Jared’s decision, but he assured us he had your best interests at heart. For what it’s worth, I told him it would come back and bite him, but he’s like you. Once he gets an idea in his head, he doesn’t listen to anyone.”

“Why lie to me?” She fixed her gaze on Jared.

“Because you didn’t remember her, or me come to that.” His voice was still icy.

“Still don’t.”

“Exactly. I’m a stranger you had a child with. A child you don’t remember. A child who died in a fire you don’t remember either. You’re recovering from a major RTC, several injuries, as well as memory loss. You don’t need to grieve for Dayna again on top of that.” He looked down at the cup in his hand. “Besides, you were being civil to me.”

“Why wouldn’t I be? I don’t understand. I know you’ve been sleeping in the spare room for a lot longer than you made out.”

Jared nodded. “Yeah, for almost a year.”

“Liam said I blamed you for Dayna’s death.”

“Yeah, you did.”

“Why?” She wrinkled her nose in consternation. “Did you set the fire?”

“No. I. Did. Not.” Jared shoved his cup across the table, his face red and his tone angry and indignant. His eyes glistened, and he shot her a pain filled stare. “The chimney caught fire, I told you that. If, and I mean if, I wanted to burn something down, it wouldn’t have been our house with us inside it. I’m a fire fighter. Not a fire starter.”

“It was a simple question,” she whispered.

She turned her attention to her hands. She was beginning to hate the person she was before the car crash. Slowly she glanced up again. “If you didn’t set the fire, then it wasn’t your fault.”

Jared sucked in a deep breath. “I didn’t put the fire out before we went to bed. I’m a firefighter and should have known better. I should have saved her. You threw a dozen reasons at me since the fire. Including I didn’t love her enough.”

I said what? How could I blame him for an accident? Nothing he said so far makes it his fault.

She held his gaze. “The chimney could have caught without the fire still burning. You know that, as well as I do, if not better. You told me the floor collapsed before you could get to her. You tried, you did your best. No one can ask any more than that. It wasn’t your fault.”

“I’m sorry?” Jared sounded strangled, as if he could barely get the words out.

“It wasn’t your fault,” she repeated.

Jared pushed to his feet and left the room in a hurry.

Niamh turned from his retreating figure to her brother. “What? Did I say something wrong?”

Liam shook his head slightly. “You spent the last two years blaming Jared for all of it. Having an open fireplace. Not getting the chimney swept often enough. Having a thatched roof. You even accused him outright of killing Dayna by hesitating too long before going to get her.”

Niamh’s stomach plummeted and her heart twisted. Physical pain shot through her as her hand rose to cover her mouth. No wonder he’d looked at her the way he had. “Oh…”

“That’s why he didn’t tell you. For the first time in two years you were speaking to him without hatred. OK, you don’t know who he is, but he’d lived with hatred for so long that he was prepared to do anything not to impede your recovery and probably keep the ‘nicer you’ around for a little longer.”

“What kind of a person was I?” She managed, sobs welling up from her broken heart. She leaned into her brother as he hugged her. “It’s no wonder he hates me. I hate myself.”

“Shh…” Liam whispered, rocking her. “He doesn’t hate you. No one does.”

“He should. If I could take back every hateful thought and word, even though I don’t remember them, I would. But it’s too late.”

“It’s not too late to put any of this right, I promise.”

“Did you mean what you said?” Jared spoke from the doorway.

Niamh raised her head. He looked as bad as she felt. “Yes, I did. It wasn’t your fault, and if I said it was before, then I am really, really sorry. You’re a firefighter. You knew what to do and how to do it. But more than that, you were her father. You wouldn’t want anything to happen to her. Or stand by and watch her die without trying to prevent it.”

Jared didn’t move. “That didn’t stop you saying all kinds of hateful things. You wanted me dead.”

She looked at him, overwhelmed with shock and horror. “Is that really what I said?” she whispered. “That you should have died instead of her because you didn’t save her?” His silence spoke volumes. Niamh’s stomach knotted further. “Please tell me I didn’t say that.”

“Yeah, you did,” he whispered. “That’s why I moved into the spare room.”

“I’m so sorry.” She held out a hand to him. “I’m not asking for forgiveness, because I don’t deserve it.”

“No, you don’t,” Jared said. He took her hand. “But I do forgive you.”

“Thank you.”

“I’ll stay here for a few days, if that’s OK. Liam wants to redecorate before he puts the place on the market and moves in with Jacqui after the wedding. And I’m on downtime the next few days.”

Niamh shivered. He didn’t want to come back to the house. She didn’t blame him. She didn’t sound like a very nice person at all. Perhaps she’d pushed him too far, and he really had given up on her. “Sure, it makes sense and you’d be quicker with the decorating if you were staying here.”

Something flashed in his eyes for a moment. It could have been relief, but she hoped it wasn’t. A faint smiled crossed his lips. “I’ll drive you back to the house. Unless, you’d like to help me choose the paint first. You know Liam better than I do.”

“Sure, I can do that.” She looked at Liam. “If you trust me.”

Liam smiled. “Of course I do. You have wonderful taste in color and interior design. Just look at your place.”

“Maybe it was Jared.”

Liam snorted. “Jared thinks navy blue and bright pink are cool. I want to sell this place, not give it away.”

Jared sent Liam a hurt expression. “Can I help being color challenged?”

“No, but you tend to abuse it a fair bit.”

“Niamh, don’t let him be mean to me.”

“You’re a big boy, Jared and quite capable of defending yourself. But, I will help you choose the paint.”

Relief filled her as he smiled at her. Perhaps they could work through this. The thought of him not being around and being mad at her, made her feel more than uncomfortable. It was as if part of her was missing, but for the life of her, she couldn’t figure out why.

Help us work through this, Lord, she prayed as they walked to the car. And please, curb this tongue of mine. Let me think before I speak. And, Lord, help Jared see that what happened to Dayna wasn’t his fault. I was wrong to blame him for so long. Forgive me.

She sat in the car, her fingers tracing the wedding ring on the chain around her neck.

Jared glanced at her. “I’m glad you’re still wearing it,” he said quietly. “Even if it isn’t on your left hand.”

“It just doesn’t feel right. I don’t want to lead you on. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah, it does. I’m just happy you’re wearing it.” His smile gave him a wistful childlike look. “You wore it like that towards the end of your pregnancy.”

“Did I?”

“I offered to get it enlarged, but you refused. You put it on the chain until you’d had Dayna and could wear it again.”

“I was going to ask you about the necklace.”

“I gave it to you as a wedding present. The first night in the hotel. You still had your wedding dress on and we were jumping on the bed…”

Niamh laughed. “Jumping on the bed? Did we break it?”

“No, fortunately. And, yes, it was your idea. Anyway, we were jumping on the bed and finally flopped exhausted onto it. You rolled onto your side and then gave me the most beautiful pair of cufflinks I’ve seen. They were eighteen carat gold, with a tiny diamond and my initials on them. I gave you the necklace and you’ve never taken it off since.” His voice faltered. “I lost the cufflinks in the fire. I didn’t see the point in replacing them.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Not your fault.” He parked the car and looked out of the window at the huge DIY store. “It’s in the past. Now we just need to move on. If you want to, that is?”

“I’d like that. Now, let’s go get this paint. Sooner you start the sooner it’s done.”