(No one on stage; otherwise everything as it was at the end of Act One)
MAN
(Enters, waves a little to audience. To someone) Is this where I was at the end of one—Act One? Right about here? (Takes exact position as of the end of Act One. Generally; out) Yes? Good. (To stragglers) Hurry back in, now; you don’t want to miss the exposition. Well, maybe you do. (Irritated complaint) “Honestly! You’d think they’d have it in the first act!” (Thinks about it) No; you couldn’t possibly. Well, let me tell you: intermissions are never long enough, are they. Did you enjoy yourselves while you were out for your cigarettes, or whatever? (Wrinkles his nose, etc.) Don’t smoke; bad for you. Half a million die of it every year. In this country alone, subsidized murder. Not you, of course—someone you know. So; you had your cigarette, or your drink—not quite so bad, one or two a day good for the old heart, they say. Or your coffee. (Harpy; shrill) KEEP AWAKE! KEEP AWAKE! Or merely … stretching your legs, having a pee. (Annoyed woman imitation) “You’d think they’d build the ladies’ restrooms bigger; after all these years you’d think they’d have noticed the lines! Honestly!” Or maybe just a phone call? Or a talk with friends—or strangers. Whatever. (Shift of tone) I must tell you something here: I have a troubling sense of what should be—rather than what is. It chokes me up at simpleminded movies—where good things happen to good people? My throat clots, and I think I’m going to cry. Because I know it can never happen in what they call “real life”? Good things to good people and happy endings? That it’s all … fantasy? Is that what allows me to believe? To weep in relief? If I saw it really happening—all good things to all good people?—would I turn away in horror? Yes, probably: because it could all … stop, could go away, be a single instant of glory, desperately cruel. We can’t take glory because it shows us the abyss. That is why we cry at movies—because it’s safe to; it’s all so … beautifully false. But I have, as I say, this sense of what should be rather than what is. And I file it away; file it away under “unwanted on the voyage, dangerous cargo,” for I know it does not apply? Because it is an impediment to … what do they say? … to “getting through it all”? (Smiles grimly; demonstrates shuddering) It’s troubling, though, I tell you. As … (gestures) … as in, well … here; now; all this. Troubling, but I’ll get through it. (Snaps fingers) O.K.!! So, where did we leave off? “We’ve come to take the baby.” “I don’t understand.” “What baby?” etc. That was it … casual—more or less—straightforward, but casual. “We’ve come to take the baby.” Remember it? Good. We’ll see if they let us take the baby from them. (In) Where were we all? (Off) Will you come back in now? (BOY and GIRL re-enter from left, WOMAN from right; they take positions identical to their positions on MAN’s “O.K. Let’s get on with it”) Fine. (To BOY and GIRL) Now you two say “What?” “What is it?” You first, then her, flat, flat, both of you. Say it! “What?” “What is it?” (Pause) Say it, for God’s sake!
BOY
(Flat) What?
GIRL
(Flat) What? What is it?
MAN
(Approving) That’s right; that’s it. (False hearty) Good to see you! But where’s “the little one”?
GIRL
(Flat) Asleep; all fed.
BOY
WOMAN
(Quiet aside to MAN) Oh, I get it. (To GIRL; false hearty) Oh, you have a baby!
GIRL
Yes.
WOMAN
What kind?
GIRL
(Eyeing her) A small one.
WOMAN
Aha. (Quick aside to MAN) Is this where I … (answering her own question) … yes; yes, it is. (To GIRL) Aha! (Exits left; false stealth)
BOY
MAN
(Sotto voce aside to audience) I love this speech. (To BOY; cheerless smile) What do we want. Well, I would imagine we want what almost everybody wants—eternal life, in great health, no older than we are when we want it; easy money, with enough self-deception to make us feel we’ve earned it, are worthy people; a government that lets us do whatever we want, serves our private interests and lets us feel we’re doing all we can for … how do they call it—the less fortunate?; a bigger dick, a more muscular vagina; a baby, perhaps?
BOY
No, no. (Articulated) What do you want?
MAN
Hm?
BOY
Here; what do you want here?
MAN
(Helpless gesture; false) I’m not sure that I …
BOY
You’re here.
MAN
(Grudging) Yes.
BOY
That … woman is here—is with you.
MAN
Everything being relative …
BOY
Yes.
GIRL
(Suspicious) Where is she? Where’s she gone!? (WOMAN reenters, from stage right, very casually, an O.K. finger gesture to MAN, with a broad wink) Oh, there she is.
MAN
(To BOY) We are both here; yes.
BOY
(Level) Why?
MAN
Hm?
BOY
(Still level, if harder) Why are you here? What do you want?
MAN
(Cheerless smile) What do we want. Well, it’s really very simple. We’ve come to take the baby.
(Silence)
BOY
MAN
(Flat) We’ve come to take the baby.
(Shorter silence)
GIRL
(A look of panic) What do you mean “you’ve come to take …” Oh, my God!! (Suddenly exits, left)
BOY
(Eyes on MAN: steely) I don’t understand you. (Brief awareness of GIRL’s action)
WOMAN
He doesn’t understand you; be clearer.
MAN
(To WOMAN) I thought I was being clear. (To BOY) What is it you don’t understand? The noun “baby”? The verb “take”?
WOMAN
You’re not being nice.
MAN
You told me to be clear—clearer.
WOMAN
They’re not mutually exclusive.
MAN
(Heavy sigh) All right. (To BOY) The baby. The baby?
BOY
(Very innocent) Yes?
MAN
(Demonstrates) We’ve come to take it.
BOY
I don’t …
MAN
(Very explicit; impatient) A-way; a-way.
GIRL
(Re-enters from left; hysterical) WHERE’S THE BABY??!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THE BABY??!!
(Silence)
MAN
What baby?
(Silence)
WOMAN
Yes; what baby?
MAN
(Out, then in) There we are! Here we go!
GIRL
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY BABY??!!
BOY
(Gathering energy; clearly about to lunge) Look, you motherfucker, what have you done to …
MAN
(A stopping hand up; very loud) STOP!! (BOY freezes)
GIRL
(Sobbing) What have you done with my baby?
MAN
(Loud) BOTH OF YOU!! NOW JUST STOP!!
(GIRL whimpers, sobs, but stays still; BOY puts his arm around her, never taking his eyes off MAN)
WOMAN
(Distaste) Such a performance! You’d think somebody was hurting somebody—or something!
MAN
(Keeping his eyes on BOY; casual tone) Wouldn’t you?
WOMAN
You’d think something was amiss, as they say.
MAN
(Ibid) Wouldn’t you?
GIRL
(Weepy) I want my baby.
MAN
Everyone wants his baby.
WOMAN
Her baby.
MAN
(Shrugs) Whatever. (To WOMAN; points at GIRL: innocence) Her baby? Everyone wants her baby?
WOMAN
(Chuckles) No, no; generics again.
BOY
(About to get up, move toward MAN) Okay. I’ve had enough of this now! What the fuck have you done with …
MAN
(Hand up) Hold!
BOY
(Beginning to move) I will not “hold,” whatever that means.
WOMAN
(Helpful) It’s Elizabethan.
BOY
(Confused) It’s … it’s what?!
MAN
ELIZABETHAN!! Now go sit down. If you care about this baby you behave yourself, yourselves. (Demonstrates) If there are two hands—see? two hands?—if there are two hands, we have the upper one. If you have ever had a baby—
BOY
If?
MAN
… if that is mother’s milk you’ve been feeding on, and if you wish to see your real or imagined baby again—ever!—
BOY
Real? Or …
MAN
… if you are wiser than your years, be good.
(BOY does so)
WOMAN
(To MAN) You have a way with children.
MAN
As it was with my own.
WOMAN
Oh? You have children?
MAN
Certainly; I have six.
WOMAN
Really!
MAN
Yes: two black, two white, one green, and the other … well, I’m not certain, or I’ve lost track, or whatever.
BOY
WOMAN
(Ignoring BOY) Two black?
MAN
Yes.
WOMAN
Half black, half white, what in the bad old days they used to call mulatto?
MAN
No; all black.
WOMAN
But …
MAN
This was when I was black.
WOMAN
Aha. Was this before you were white? Before …
MAN
No; it shifted: two white, one black, one green, et cetera.
WOMAN
I see; I see.
GIRL
(To MAN) You have no children.
MAN
Well, that may be, or may have been, or … whatever.
WOMAN
(To GIRL) Why do you say that?
GIRL
WOMAN
Oh?
GIRL
No one who has children …
MAN
Had!
GIRL
(Onward) … would treat us like this—anyone like this.
BOY
She’s right, you know. (Pause) Had?
MAN
(Playful) Well, having had doesn’t mean one has. (Pause) Does it?
WOMAN
One green?
MAN
Yes. (Out) Does this need explaining?
WOMAN
When you were green?
MAN
(Back in; thinks a moment) Well, when someone was.
WOMAN
Half green then.
GIRL
(Soft, gentle pleading) Please? (BOY quietly shushes her)
MAN
(Considers it) Mmmmm … light green. (To BOY and GIRL) So, I want you to understand I know about children, about who has them … and who does not; how large they may be, how many legs they have—if they have the number they are supposed to, where they come out of—the length of the small intestine in a two-week-old …
WOMAN
How long?
MAN
Eleven and three-quarter inches. The color of loss, the names most commonly not used … all the things essential. You don’t fool with me. Fool yourselves, fool each other, but don’t try it with me. I’ve touched the golden dick. Have you? (To BOY, specifically) Have you? Have you? You there?
BOY
(Preoccupied) Have I what?
MAN
Touched the golden dick.
BOY
I don’t know what you’re talking about, mister. (Suddenly loud) Where’s our baby!!??
MAN/WOMAN
(Softly singing) Yes, Sir, where’s our baby? No, Sir, we don’t mean maybe. Yes, Sir, where’s our baby now?
MAN
(Speaking again) Too bad about the dick—the golden dick.
(As BOY prepares to lunge) I’d be careful if I were you!
(BOY lunges; Man flips him on his back on the floor with a judo move; pins BOY’s neck under his foot)
MAN
I said I’d be careful if I were you! (To GIRL) Are you going to try something, too? (GIRL sobs, shakes her head) Good; the lady here is adept at things as well.
WOMAN
I am.
MAN
Everyone’s adept at something. (To pinned BOY) Will you be good?
BOY
Yes.
MAN
Good. (BOY gets up, not easily) Go to your chair. (BOY does; GIRL moves to comfort him) Good. Touching. (To WOMAN) Goodness, I’m saying “good” a lot, aren’t I?
WOMAN
(Shrugs) It sounds right.
MAN
Good! (To BOY and GIRL) So! No more shenanigans. (Out) Is that Irish? Shenanigans? (If anyone answers, handle it; in any event, go on with this) I looked it up once in the dictionary and it didn’t say; it said “informal,” which I don’t believe is a genesis. Though maybe it is … the island of informality? The city of shenanigan? I meant to look it up somewhere else, but I … lost interest, I guess. (Back in) In any event, (To BOY and GIRL) no more (very pronounced) she-nan-i-gans. No?
BOY
(Nursing his neck) No.
MAN
No what?
BOY
No more.
MAN
No more what!?
BOY
No more shenanigans.
MAN
Always be precise: saves time, saves paper. Did I hurt you?
BOY
No.
MAN
No wound?
BOY
No.
MAN
(To BOY and GIRL) If you have no wounds, how can you know if you’re alive? If you have no scar, how do you know who you are? Have been?
BOY
(Impatient) Come on, mister!
WOMAN
(To BOY) Listen to him.
MAN
(To BOY) Was your fracture compound? Did it stick out through the skin—like snapped wood?
GIRL
(To BOY; shy) Did it?
BOY
No!
MAN
If it didn’t, who are you? Who have you ever been? (To GIRL) Was it a caesarean for the baby? A theoretical caesarean for the theoretical baby?
BOY
Theor …
GIRL
No! No wound!
MAN
(To them both) Blood? Piercings? Gougings? Wounds, children; wounds. Without wounds what are you? You’re too young for the batterings time brings us …
WOMAN
(Dramatic) Oh, God! The batterings!
MAN
(To WOMAN) … time brings us.
WOMAN
Sorry! … time brings us. (An aside) Oh, God?
MAN
One is enough. (To BOY) Give me your arm; let me see your wound.
BOY
(Self-protective) Hah! You think I’ll fall for that!?
MAN
Oh, I wouldn’t break your arm; I don’t want you on your knees—not literally. Ever? No, I don’t think so. Break your arm? Nahhhh! Your heart, perhaps. Your heart, yes. Certainly your heart.
WOMAN
(Pleased) Oh, the heart!
MAN
Give me your heart, then; I’ll break that. If you don’t have the wound of a broken heart, how can you know you’re alive? If you have no broken heart, how do you know who you are? Have been? Can ever be?
GIRL
(To MAN and WOMAN; crying a little) Leave us alone? Please, let me have my baby?
MAN
(Sighs) We’re going to have to talk about this. (Beginning of lecture) What is a baby? (Out) What is a baby? (In and out, now) We must, first of all, define a baby. A baby … what!? A baby mouse? A baby kangaroo? A baby wolverine? A baby … baby. A human baby, an almost, not quite yet human baby—no larger than, well, somewhat larger than that “great divide.” (To BOY) Hey? Between the something slopes, or something?
BOY
(Curt) What?
MAN
Nothing. (In and out again) You can’t go home again? Surely not! They say we want to go back in—back home—some of us, at any rate. Try it! A minute after out-you-slide—or whatever—it’s all closing up, closing down, till the next time. Push you back in—head first, whatever? Wouldn’t work! The water’s gone now; you’ve been shocked into breathing … what? Nothing you can see, could see if you had eyes—eyes that opened. (Bravura quote) “Oh, blessed eyes that never ope!” (Natural again) “Ope”; I’ve always liked “ope.”
WOMAN
(Matter-of-fact) You’re running on.
MAN
Yes? I am?
WOMAN
“What is a baby?” Then relate that to where we are—to this.
MAN
Aha!
GIRL
(Quiet) Please? My baby?
MAN
(Hearty) Now, look; if there is a baby, and if it is yours, and you can prove it’s yours, we’ll handle it.
BOY
(Ominously quiet) If? Who are you? Who are you, really?
GIRL
Yes; who are you?
MAN
(To BOY) I am your destination. Remember? Is that familiar?
(To WOMAN) Now you.
WOMAN
(Tiny orienting pause; to GIRL) Yes. Yes, I go in the back with you, and I am your destination.
MAN
(To BOY) We do things together, you and I, that no one else has done.
WOMAN
(To GIRL) You love me; we are each other’s … whatever.
GIRL
(Intense; to BOY) None of this is true!
MAN
(To BOY) The first time you touched me … (Indicates) there, I almost fainted. It was so … unexpected, I suppose.
BOY
(Cold) You fuck!
MAN
(Considers) Well … yes.
WOMAN
(To GIRL; dreamy) We lay there, you and I, true spoons, the two of us, mouths on each other …
GIRL
(Voice shaking) No! No!
MAN
(To BOY) We are each other’s destination. No? Yes?
WOMAN
(To GIRL) No? We are not?
MAN
(To both BOY and GIRL) Or are we Gypsies? Hm?
GIRL
(To BOY; hysterical) They’re Gypsies!!
BOY
(Eyes on MAN; steely, to comfort) No; no, they’re not.
MAN
(Pretending bewilderment) We’re not!?
BOY
No!
MAN
(Of WOMAN) You don’t recognize her fedora and her huge mustache?
WOMAN
(To GIRL) You came to me; you brought your life savings in a paper bag.
GIRL
No! I don’t have any life savings!
BOY
(Pleading; explaining) We’re very young.
MAN
And therefore you don’t have Gypsies? (To GIRL) She had a Gypsy.
WOMAN
(To GIRL) Yes, you went to one. (Uncertain) Was it me? Was it to me?
BOY
MAN
For what?
GIRL
For … life savings, and all.
MAN
Well, I should hope not. How dumb can you be?!
WOMAN
(To MAN, about GIRL) That’s for later, when you get dumb, life-savings-time dumb.
MAN
(Sighs) Time; time, the great leveler. (To BOY; sweet) Tell me about you; tell us your history. (Whispered aside; out) Exposition.
BOY
(Confused) Who? Me?
MAN
(Back in) Whatever. You can tell us your history, or she can tell us your history, and you can tell us hers, and we won’t know what to disbelieve.
BOY
(A recitation; quiet rage) I’m a twenty-three-year-old white, Anglo-Saxon American man …
MAN
That’s a redundancy. All Anglo-Saxons are white.
BOY
Yes? A twenty-three-year-old Anglo-Saxon American man.
MAN
Boy.
BOY
Boy—yes?—boy, and I’m married to her, the light of my life.
WOMAN
Your destination.
BOY
(Confused) What?
WOMAN
(Cheerful) Your destination! Don’t you remember?
MAN
(To BOY) I thought it was you and me: that time you touched me … (Gestures) here, and put your lips to my …
BOY
(Loud enough to cover) THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE!
MAN/WOMAN
(As if on cue) Roll me over, in the clover,
Roll me over, lay me down, and do it again.
MAN
(To BOY and GIRL) Familiar? No?
BOY
(Shaking his head) What more do you want? When will you …
MAN
(Expansive) Ohhhhh, much more.
GIRL
(Sudden) I want my baby!
WOMAN
(Groucho) Everybody wants his baby—her baby—whatever.
MAN
(To BOY) Tell us more; tell us what we want to know, and then tell us what we don’t. I’d like to know, for example, why you took up with this young woman, when you obviously despise her.
BOY
(Rage; frustration) I love her; I love her with all my heart!
WOMAN
(To MAN; false support of BOY) He loves her; she loves him.
MAN
(To WOMAN) Well, that may be—that she loves him. (To BOY) You love her?
BOY
YES!!
MAN
Tisk, tisk, tisk! Then, what shall I think of the letter you sent me when we were apart …
BOY
We were never together!
MAN
… when we were apart, saying it was all for show, that her family has money, you can’t stand the smell of her, the things she makes you do, and …
BOY
(Making to lunge) You motherfucking …!!
MAN
(Warning hand up instantly) Hanh!! The baby? Remember the baby?
BOY
(Subsiding) You …
MAN
Yes: me. I am the one, am I not? Am I not the gypsy you love, on your knees before me? Do you not aspire to my huge mustache, to my fedora?
BOY
(Heavy sigh) I don’t know you, mister.
MAN
(Out) They all say that.
WOMAN
(Attorney; to GIRL) Did you not fake pregnancy to … to get him for yourself?
GIRL
No! No! I didn’t! We married and then I got pregnant!
WOMAN
(Out) They all say that.
BOY
(Quietly) She was a virgin.
MAN
(Tiny pause; to BOY) When?
BOY
When I married her; when I met her.
MAN
Which came first?
BOY
(Bewildered) What?!
WOMAN
(Helping) He means: Did you marry her and then meet her, or …
BOY
NO!
MAN
No, you did not marry her before you met her, or you did not meet her before you married her?
BOY
(Hands to ears) Stop it!
GIRL
(To BOY; very shy) Did you write him a letter?
BOY
(Exploding) I don’t know the man!!
MAN
(To GIRL; soothing) A fan letter; fans often write to those they’ve never met. Hope; hope!
WOMAN
(Echo) Hope.
GIRL
(To BOY; determined) Did you?!
BOY
(To GIRL; pleading) Of course not! I love you.
MAN
(To BOY; explaining) I was one of the Gypsy boys who stopped you on your way back from the gym-gym.
WOMAN
(Nods happily) And I was another.
MAN
I was the one who stopped in front of you, the one who spoke to you …
WOMAN
(As if quoting) You’re the one who put the guard dogs on us, aren’t you.
BOY
(Memory; rote) Guards, not guard dogs.
GIRL
(Shakes her head; memory) Not a wise answer.
WOMAN
You guys could have paid, you said.
GIRL
Nor that.
BOY
(Dreamy) I did?
MAN
Yes, you did, and no hard feelings, you said.
BOY
(Ibid) I did?
WOMAN
Yes; yes, you did.
BOY
(Recalling, still dreamy) And I put my arm out …
WOMAN
… and you put your arm out …
MAN
… and you put your arm out … and CRACK!!!
WOMAN
Crack!
GIRL
Crack!
BOY
It hurt so; it hurt so very much.
(GIRL takes his shoulder to comfort him; he swivels to his knees beside her chair.)
MAN
And I came up to you …
WOMAN
… and I came up to you, and I undid my fly and (A trifle uncertain) what was I going to do?
BOY
I don’t know. You’re going to piss on me?
MAN
Or maybe it was me, and you know what I wanted, what you wanted.
WOMAN
(Echo) What you wanted.
BOY
Or maybe … or maybe …
GIRL
(Offers her breast to BOY) Here; here.
BOY
Maybe he wasn’t going to piss on me. Maybe he was going to …
GIRL
Here!! (BOY takes her breast in his mouth; brief tableau)
WOMAN
(Unemphasized fact) That is so … touching.
MAN
Yes; yes, it is.
MAN/WOMAN
Roll me over, lay me down, and do it again.
WOMAN
That is so … touching.
MAN
Yes; yes, it is. (Brief pause; slaps hands together) O.K.! Back to work!
(Boy disattaches himself; Girl replaces breast)
WOMAN
(To BOY) Why did you never do that to me? I know you wanted to.
BOY
Pardon? (Wiping lips)
WOMAN
I was eighteen, wasn’t I, and moving into ripeness? And I had been to Europe and I knew the women there went without bras if their breasts were exemplary and if they were young, and I had my lovely breasts? (Cups them for him) Lovely? Breasts? (Tiny pause) Nothing?
BOY
(A quick look to see how GIRL is reacting) Lady, I …
WOMAN
Didn’t you want to suck them? Everyone else did … wanted to.
MAN
Of course he did.
WOMAN
(To BOY) Of course you did; of course you wanted to. You said you would paint me; you said you were a painter.
BOY
Lady …
WOMAN
You said you would paint me … naked, my lovely breasts, the dimple of my belly, my milk-pink hips, my burning bush?
(GIRL begins to weep)
MAN
(Scoffing) Milk-pink?
WOMAN
(A trifle defensive) Well … yes. (To BOY) You were only one of my lovers, of course, one of the sturdy, virile boys, the young and handsome, well-muscled …
GIRL
(To BOY; rage and tears) You know her!!
BOY
(Trying to comfort her; dogmatic) No! No, I don’t know her!
MAN
(To no one) Oh what a wangled teb we weave.
WOMAN
A what?
MAN
A teb; a wangled teb.
WOMAN
What is that?
MAN
You remember. He was only one of your lovers, no?
WOMAN
Hm? Oh! Oh; right. (To BOY) You were a splendid lover, though … slow, patient, thoughtful, but always in command, and driving …
GIRL
(To BOY; still weeping) You know her!
BOY
(Pounding his fists on his knees) I do not! I do not know her!
MAN
(To WOMAN, but so GIRL will hear) When was all this? When were you two lovers?
WOMAN
(With a toss of her hand) Oh … last year, last month, last week, on his way to seeing her at the hospital, on his way from seeing her at the hospital—her and the baby. Earlier today.
MAN
The so-called baby.
WOMAN
(Smiles) The so-called baby.
BOY
(Quiet intensity; almost crying) I don’t know you! I’ve never been with anyone but her.
MAN
(To WOMAN) Tell me about his penis; compare notes, so to speak. Show her you know the man through his manhood.
BOY
(Flustered rage) She’s never seen my penis!
WOMAN
(About to begin) Well, all right now, let me see: I’ve seen penie in my life, and on a scale of one to ten—ten being very unlikely—I would say that he was a … oh, a …
GIRL
(Exuberant in her invention) He doesn’t have one! She couldn’t have seen it because he doesn’t have one! So there!!
BOY
(GIRL nudges him) Right! She’s right! So there!
GIRL
So there!! (Giggles)
MAN
(Out) They are so inventive, these two. (Back in; to BOY and GIRL) In the sense that the Queen of Spain does not have legs?
BOY
(Cold) What?
MAN
(Out; pleasant) It is said that once, centuries ago, an envoy from the East came to the Spanish court—with gifts, of course, gifts for the royal family, including fine-spun silk, a novelty back then. “For her Majesty,” the envoy said, in his—well, his silkiest tone. (WOMAN chuckles appreciatively) Thank you. “For her Majesty, silk for her Majesty’s legs.” The major domo—or whatever he was—their Majesty’s major-domo, sniffed, the story goes, raised his eyebrows at the effrontery, the familiarity, and said, in his haughtiest tone, “The Queen of Spain does not have … legs.” (Back in; to BOY and GIRL) Is that the sense you mean, that your young man does not have a penis in the sense that the Queen of Spain does not have legs? Or are we dealing here with a bewildering and somber deformity, one which puts into even greater question the matter of a baby?
WOMAN
(Rather puzzled) That’s something you’d think I would have noticed—or not noticed, rather.
BOY
(Pause) Go fuck yourselves.
MAN
Right on! (He and WOMAN slap each other’s right palms. GIRL tries to sneak off, with an “it’s O.K.” gesture to BOY. MAN notices; a warning) I wouldn’t do that!!! (GIRL hesitates) Leave the so-called baby be! If you have a baby—
BOY
GIRL
Yes, we have a baby.
MAN
… if there is a baby, who is to say it has ever been yours? Who is to say you have a right to it? Or that you didn’t steal it? Gypsies do steal things.
WOMAN
Yes; yes, they do.
MAN
(To GIRL; very harsh) So … SIDDDOWN!!
GIRL
(Sitting; weeping quietly) We are not Gypsies.
BOY
(“Will this help?”) No; no, we’re not.
WOMAN
Well … someone is.
MAN
(Seemingly puzzled) Yes; yes, that’s right … someone is, must be. (To GIRL; steely) If you can prove it is yours—belongs to you … you did not steal it, as Gypsies do … belongs to you …
WOMAN
(Helping) … and belongs with you …
MAN
(To WOMAN) Yes; right; thank you.
WOMAN
Welcome.
GIRL
I told you …
BOY
She told you …
MAN
(To GIRL again) … belongs to you, and belongs with you, then your interest in seeing it ever transcends your need to see it now. (Pause) No?
GIRL
(Still quietly weeping) Yes; yes, it does.
MAN
Good girl; you’ll go far—to paraphrase.
BOY
I’ll ask you one more time, mister, and only once more, who do you …
MAN
(To BOY and GIRL) No; the question is not who I think I am, but who I cannot be—the knowledge we all have of who we all cannot be, singularly, of course. I’ve lived long enough to understand that that is the most important question. Keep it in mind as you go on through it—both of you: what we cannot do; who we cannot be.
(WOMAN begins signing—clearly absurd signing-like gestures)
MAN
What are you doing?
WOMAN
Signing.
MAN
You know how? You know how to sign?
WOMAN
(Signing) It would seem so.
MAN
When did you learn? And why? Why did you learn?
WOMAN
(Shrugs; signs) It came upon me.
MAN
When?
WOMAN
Just now; I just realized I could do it.
MAN
Sign away.
WOMAN
(Signing; smiling) Thank you.
MAN
(Out now) Ignore her; I mean pay attention if you want to, but concentrate on me. I am talking; she is listening. Well, she is talking, too, in a way, but following me. She listens and then talks, almost simultaneously, but not quite. I … talk. I even listen as I talk—to myself, not to her. I can’t sign. (WOMAN stops signing) You’ve stopped.
WOMAN
It comes and goes. I’ve suddenly forgotten. You go on; I’ll catch up.
MAN
(Scoffs) With me? Never! (Out again) So. Who I cannot be. (To BOY and GIRL) Learn from this, children. (Out again) I cannot be young again; I cannot be a woman—therefore I cannot have babies, blah, blah, blah, if indeed I would have them, or could. (To GIRL) Eh, toots?
GIRL
Leave me alone!
BOY
(Gentle pleading) Leave her alone.
MAN
(To GIRL) But you asked … or he did: who I thought I was, et cetera. (In and out now) I would like, above all else, to be … historical and free-floating; I regret the people I have not met. I regret Jesus most of all. God! The questions! That’s in retrospect, of course … mostly. Still: to really … hear him. (To BOY and GIRL, who just look back) How many sentences do the scholars think are his in the testaments? Three? A half-dozen? (Dismissive gesture; back out) No education. To have been there; to have heard him speak. (To WOMAN) This is important.
WOMAN
I know, I know; I’ll try. (Begins signing again, badly, then better).
MAN
(In and out again; ecstatic) The Sermon on the Mount! Oh, my God! One could dine out on that … forever! The truth about the Last Supper? I almost don’t dare mention the Crucifixion! Would I have tried to stop it? Would He have made me not? Not tried? Was it what he wanted? The proof he needed?
WOMAN
(Stops signing) You go too far!
MAN
(Apologetic) I know, I know; madness lies that way.
GIRL
(Quiet begging) Please?
MAN
(To GIRL) Soon; soon, now. (To himself, mostly; shakes head) All the things I know I can never be, can never do, can never … undo. That’s the worst. (Ponders) All the things I can never be (Harsher now, to BOY and GIRL), including as sympathetic as you would like to your … what?—your “plight”? Your supposed plight? You who are probably not what you say you are—who you say you are.
BOY
(Weary) I’ve told you … a hundred times …
MAN
Yes yes yes, I know; you’re married—to one another … you have this baby.
BOY
Yes!
GIRL
Yes!
MAN
(Dismissive) Right; sure; and the Gypsies have taken it—or will, or have thought about it, at the very least, as Gypsies will.
(GIRL weeps; BOY takes her hand)
BOY
(Very serious; very calm) The baby is real; the baby is ours; we went to the hospital for her to have it. (GIRL nods, still weeping a little)
WOMAN
You go to the hospital a lot.
MAN
(Remembering) Yes! Yes, you do! You came to see me; I was on the stretcher; I was unconscious …
WOMAN
(To MAN; of BOY) … and he said to himself: “When he wakes up—if he wakes up—I’m going to be there …”
MAN
… and I’ll be the first person he sees, and he’ll love me; he’ll want me and he’ll love me; he’s my destination.
WOMAN
And he told them he was your brother.
MAN
(To BOY) And I woke up, and you were hard.
GIRL
It was me!
BOY
It was her!
GIRL
It was me!
MAN
(Pause) Oh?
WOMAN
(Pause) Oh?
BOY
(Dogged; almost in tears) Yes; yes. It was her; she woke up and I was hard.
MAN
(Surprise) It wasn’t me?! I remember you being hard.
WOMAN
(To BOY) We all do; we all remember you being hard.
MAN
Dick or no.
WOMAN
Dick or no.
MAN
And out popped the baby, the so-called baby?
BOY
When?
MAN
Then!
WOMAN
When-then.
BOY
No; that was when we met!
MAN
I remember; I woke up; the nurse said you were my brother, and you were hard.
BOY
(More dogged) No! Not then then; not that time! When we went to have the baby!
MAN
(Distant) I don’t remember. Was it me? I don’t remember.
WOMAN
Maybe it was me.
BOY
(To prove his existence; GIRL cries softly during this) I was in the kitchen, and she came in and she said, “My water broke; my water just broke!”
WOMAN
It was me! Yes; of course.
BOY
And I bundled her up, and we took a cab to the hospital. I called our baby doctor, and we raced off to the hospital.
MAN
(Shakes his head) Everyone’s a baby—even the doctor.
WOMAN
(To BOY) It isn’t water, you know. (To GIRL) It isn’t water.
BOY
(Determined) … and it wasn’t long; it didn’t take very long.
MAN
(Remembering giving birth) But it hurt! Oh, my God, it hurt! How it hurt me!
WOMAN
(Remembering) Oh, God, how it hurt me!
BOY
(Ibid) And I held her hand during it, and I squeezed and she squeezed …
(GIRL begins howling birthing sounds now, punctuating BOY’s speech; she stays seated; shows no emotion, hands in lap—merely howling)
BOY
… and she howled … and she howled … and she howled … and the sound was terrible, but I held on, we held on … the doctor and the nurses were all there … and the blood … and the blood came, and I’d never seen so much … blood, and then the baby came, the baby’s head came (GIRL ceases howling) … and the rest of it …
GIRL
(Hands going wide) WOOOOOOSSSSSSH!!
MAN
(Ecstasy) … and I’d never seen so much blood!
WOMAN
(Ecstasy) … I felt it! The blood, and then the baby …
BOY
(Ignoring them; maybe with a dismissive hand gesture) … and there it was; there was our baby.
GIRL
(Softer) Wooooossssssh.
WOMAN
(Shakes her head) Just like in the movies.
MAN
(Agreeing; suddenly understanding) Yes! (To BOY) You go to a lot of movies?
BOY
(Bewildered) Who? This wasn’t a movie!
WOMAN
It looked like one to me—all the trappings.
MAN
(To WOMAN) Yes! Didn’t it? When I had my baby …
WOMAN
The black one?
MAN
No; the green one; there was very little blood, no pain …
WOMAN
Well, you had a spinal.
MAN
Hmmmm! Yes, that may have had something to do with it. In any event, when I had my baby I had the Gypsies, too. The Gypsies came to me, too.
WOMAN
(Smiles) Too?
MAN
(Smiles) Whatever. But I was wise. (To GIRL) When I took my baby to the Gypsy …
WOMAN
The old Gypsy woman.
MAN
(Aside, to WOMAN) Whatever. (To GIRL again) When I took my baby to the Gypsy, I was smart; when they told me to put the baby in a big paper bag, I didn’t do it.
GIRL
(Weeping) No! I didn’t!
WOMAN
(To MAN) Of course you didn’t!
MAN
(Still to GIRL) I didn’t put it on the table, between me and the Gypsy.
WOMAN
Of course you didn’t!
MAN
(Still to GIRL) I didn’t see the lights go all funny, and hear the music.
WOMAN
Of course not!
MAN
(Still to GIRL) And I didn’t take the bag and bury it in the back yard for three weeks, so the baby could double, or whatever.
WOMAN
(Out) Twins!
GIRL
No! I didn’t!
BOY
She didn’t!
WOMAN
(To MAN) Of course you didn’t!
MAN
So that when it came time to dig it up …
GIRL
(Weeping) I … didn’t … do … that!
BOY
(Comforting her) No; no; of course you didn’t.
WOMAN
(Observing) Touching.
MAN
Or whatever.
GIRL
Please. My baby.
MAN
(Pause; brisk now) Well, time for the old blanket trick.
WOMAN
Oh; right! (Exiting right; to BOY and GIRL) I’ll be right back. (Out) I’ll be right back.
MAN
(To BOY and GIRL, as GIRL looks apprehensively off right) She’ll be right back. (Out) She’ll be right back.
BOY
(After a pause; shy; quietly fearful) Are you Gypsies?
MAN
(Laughs; to BOY) Do we look like Gypsies? Do we have fedoras and bushy mustaches …?
BOY
Whatever, then. Have you come to hurt us? Beyond salvation? Hurt us to the point that … if you want to do this to us, hurt us so, ask why! Ask what we’ve done. I can take pain and loss and all the rest later; I think I can—we can—when it comes as natural as … sleep? But … now? Not now. We’re happy; we love each other; I’m hard all the time; we have a baby; we don’t even understand each other yet. So … give us some time. (Pause) Please?
MAN
(After long pause; brisk) Time’s up.
(WOMAN re-enters with the baby blanket bundle, nuzzling. GIRL instinctively reaches toward bundle)
WOMAN
(Possessive) AH!
(GIRL withdraws)
BOY
(An echo from before) Please?
MAN
(Gentler) Time’s up. (WOMAN hands him the bundle. Out; a barker) Ladies and Gentlemen! See what we have here! The baby bundle! The old bundle of baby! (Throws it up in the air, catches it; GIRL screams)
BOY
(Desperate) Don’t do that!
WOMAN
(To BOY; comforting) He knows what he’s doing.
MAN
(To BOY and GIRL) I know what I’m doing. (Out again; in when necessary) The old baby bundle—treasure of treasures, light of our lives, purpose—they say—of all the fucking, all the … well, all the everything. Now the really good part, the part we’ve all been waiting for! (He takes the bundle, snaps it open, displays both sides; we see there is nothing there.) Shazaam! You see? Nothing! No baby! Nothing! (GIRL goes to blanket; MAN gives it to her; she searches it, cuddles it; weeps. To GIRL) You see? Nothing.
BOY
(Pause) You have decided then: you have decided to hurt us beyond salvation.
MAN
(Objective) I said: time’s up.
BOY
No matter how young we are? No matter how …
WOMAN
(Gentle) He said: time’s up.
MAN
I said: time’s up. Wounds, children, wounds. If you have no wounds, how can you know you’re alive? How can you know who you are? (BOY bows his head. To BOY and GIRL) Let us deal finally, once and for all, with the baby—I put it in quotes, “baby.” I want you to be certain, you have a baby? Have ever had a baby. (Pause) You have a baby?
(GIRL replies more and more tentatively; BOY stays firm)
(Don’t rush this section)
BOY
Yes.
GIRL
Yes.
(Pause)
MAN
BOY
Yes.
GIRL
Yes.
(Pause)
WOMAN
You have a baby?
BOY
Yes.
GIRL
Yes.
(Pause)
MAN
You have a baby?
BOY
Yes.
GIRL
(Opens mouth; closes it)
BOY
(Tiny pause) Say something! (She shakes her head)
(Increasing intensity, and increased tempo here)
MAN
I’ll ask you once again. You have a baby?
BOY
(To GIRL) Tell him.
GIRL
(Finally) I don’t know.
BOY
Of course you know!
GIRL
No! I don’t know!
MAN
Once more: you have a baby?
BOY
(To GIRL) Tell him!!
WOMAN
BOY
Tell her!
MAN
Tell someone: you have a baby?
GIRL
(Long pause; finally; rather shy) No; I don’t think so.
BOY
But …?
GIRL
(To BOY; begging) No; no; we don’t have one; we don’t have a baby. (Varying intensities and tempi) Please, please, no baby, I can’t …
BOY
(Rage) I was with you when it was born!
GIRL
(Flat) No.
BOY
No one before me; we made it!
MAN
(An aside; quiet; out) They all say that.
GIRL
(Flat) No.
BOY
I SAW IT! I HELD IT! I WATCHED IT COME OUT OF YOU, ALL BLOOD …!
GIRL
No. Please; no.
WOMAN
GIRL
(Flat) No.
MAN
(To WOMAN) What a wise girl.
WOMAN
What a brave girl.
BOY
(Crying now) I … saw … it; I … I held it.
(Response tempi easy now; all gentle except BOY)
WOMAN
No.
MAN
No.
GIRL
No.
BOY
(Sobbing) Yes.
WOMAN
No.
MAN
No.
No.
BOY
Yes.
WOMAN
No.
MAN
No.
GIRL
No.
BOY
No?
WOMAN
No.
MAN
No.
GIRL
No.
BOY
(Pause) No.
MAN
(Sighs) Well then; we’re done.
WOMAN
Yes.
(MAN and WOMAN begin moving upstage; MAN pauses; mild puzzled look; BOY and GIRL in silent tears—if possible)
MAN
Tears! (Out) Tears! (To WOMAN) Tears!
WOMAN
(Gentle smile) Yes: tears.
MAN
(To BOY and GIRL, who are too interior to respond) Oh what a wangled teb we weave. Wounds, children, wounds. Learn from it. Without wounds, what are you? If you don’t have a broken heart … (Shrugs) We’ll leave you, then. Don’t get up. (Taking WOMAN’s hand) Shall we?
WOMAN
Shall we?
(They exit; silence; BOY and GIRL still)
BOY
(Still in tears) No baby?
GIRL
(Still in tears) No.
BOY
(More a wish than anything) I hear it crying!
GIRL
(Please) No; no, you don’t.
BOY
(Defeat) No baby.
GIRL
(Begging) No. Maybe later? When we’re older … when we can take … terrible things happening? Not now.
BOY
(Pause) I hear it crying.
GIRL
(Pause; same tone as BOY) I hear it too. I hear it crying too.
(Lights fade)
CURTAIN