At home, exhaustion overcame Joanne as she sank into the sofa with her cup of tea. Her mother sat across from her, her eyes swollen from crying, her face pale from hearing the lengthy story of what had happened.
“I thank God you’re both okay,” her mom said. “I suppose I should head for home now that I know you’re safe.”
Her gaze searched Joanne’s, and Joanne understood what her mother wanted to hear.
“Wouldn’t you want to see your granddaughter?”
“With all my heart, but I didn’t know if—”
“You can see her tomorrow. We can’t tell her anything yet, but you can talk with her. I’ll tell her you’re my mother and that’s all.”
“If I won’t be in the way, I’d give anything to see her.”
“You’ve given enough, Mom. You came here when I was in trouble, even when I told you not to come, and you stood by my side.” The conversation astounded Joanne. She and her mother had not talked so openly in years.
“I would have been praying if someone had told me.”
Joanne looked at her with amazement. She’d only heard her mother talk of prayer the night Benjamin had made reference to it. This wasn’t the mother that Joanne had grown to resent.
“I didn’t know you believe in God,” Joanne said, being blunt and hoping not to start an argument.
“I was not raised in the church, but I knew about God. I just never took much stock in leaning on anyone but myself.”
“So what happened? What changed you?”
“Benjamin told me a few things in the Bible, and it felt right. We talked about prayer. While I was here alone during the day, I started reading the Bible. I have a long way to go, but it makes sense to me.”
“I’m happy to hear you say that.”
“Only the New Testament. I started the Old Testament, but it got too confusing. I love the part about Jesus in the newer Scripture.”
“Scripture is beautiful. It’s a guide for living.”
Her mother ran her hand over her cheek. “I can see Benjamin’s a man of faith. He’s strong and confident. He’s a good man, Joanne.”
“I know he is. His faith is stronger than mine.”
Her mother shook her head. “I doubt that. You’ve been involved in church since you met Greg.”
Joanne’s heart lurched at the reference. “I was, but that has nothing to do with believing. Church-going is an outward symbol. Believing happens right here.” She pressed her hand against her heart. “We all sin, Mom. Even Christians. We make big mistakes. We get angry at God. I certainly was, after Greg and Mandy were gone.”
“I can only imagine.” Evelyn looked thoughtful. “I’ve made a few big mistakes myself,” she said as an expression of remorse darkened her face. “Sometimes I wish I could erase how I’ve lived and do it over.”
“We can’t back up, Mom. We just have to make the future different.” Though she said the words for her mother, they had a strong meaning for Joanne.
Her mother didn’t respond, but Joanne noticed her brush her fingers across her eyes. She’d never seen her mother cry. That thought triggered another. Perhaps her mother had cried about things alone. Joanne had judged her without knowing her.
“I’m so sorry you’ve been going through all of this pain alone, Joanne.”
Joanne opened her mouth to remind her mother that she had Benjamin, but she stopped herself. Right now, she and her mother were talking as two caring people. She wanted to cling to the rare moment. She recalled how miserable she’d often been when she visited with her family. She’d become an outsider.
“I’ve been neglectful,” Evelyn said suddenly.
Joanne didn’t respond. What could she say? She’d believed exactly that of her mother.
“To tell you the truth, Joanne, I didn’t know what to do or say to you after the accident. I should have said more, but words just didn’t capture the sorrow I felt for you.” She turned her head toward the window and rose, walking across the carpet to look outside. “Mandy was my granddaughter. My flesh and blood. I gathered my personal grief and clung to it like a selfish man to his money. I guarded it like some kind of treasure.”
Her words spun through Joanne’s head. Was this the same thing she had done?
“You probably felt the same,” her mother said, her face burdened with sadness, “and instead of joining together in our sorrow, we both hugged it to our breasts and made it our own.”
Her mother’s explanation smacked Joanne with the truth. She had hugged her misery to herself. She’d guarded it, unwilling to share. She’d resented anyone saying they understood, because no one understood. No one felt her pain. No one had had his life pulled out from under him like she had.
“You’re right, Mom. I felt just like that. I didn’t even want you to feel the grief that I felt. Now that I think about it, I put myself on a pedestal of sorrow. I became untouchable.”
“So did I.”
“But, Mom, right in here, I wanted to be touched.” She rested her hand above her heart. “I wanted to be sheltered and cared for. I wanted my husband and child to reappear.”
Her mother turned from the window and opened her arms. Joanne joined her, and they stood, wrapped together in a tight embrace, tears dripping from their eyes while Joanne unleashed the hurt from her heart.
“I’m sorry I didn’t understand,” Joanne whispered into her mother’s hair.
They stood together in silence as forgiveness enveloped them. Joanne knew total healing would take time, but today her mother had taken a step forward and so had she. The step felt wonderful.
When they eased away and finally settled into their seats, Joanne gathered strength to take one more step. “I felt so lonely for so long. It wasn’t just you who seemed to turn your back on me. Friends did the same thing. Couples. I became a threat, or maybe they didn’t like the fifth-wheel idea, but I drew into myself even more. My only escape was my work at Solutions, and I drown myself in it.”
“I wish we’d talked this out a long time ago,” Evelyn said.
“I do, too. It wasn’t only you and friends who turned their backs. I realize now it was me. I’d turned first and made it harder, but I wish someone had persisted. I needed people so badly.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t, Joanne. You know I’ve always been a private woman. Expressing my feelings hasn’t come easy. I probably seem self-centered.”
Joanne smiled, recalling her conversation with Benjamin. “You don’t have to say any more, Mom. Like I said, humans make mistakes, and that’s why we need God’s love and forgiveness.”
She saw her mother’s gaze shift. “I’m not trying to evangelize, Mom. It’s what I feel in my heart. My faith has kept me sane. I felt anger at God. I felt betrayed by Him, but He stood by my side anyway. We should learn from God’s abiding love. He never turns His back.”
Her mother’s eyebrows rose a little. “That’s a good lesson. Something all of us should keep in mind.”
Joanne agreed. She’d experienced it fully. God had not turned His back on her. He’d answered her fervent prayer and He’d kept her daughter safe.
“Why didn’t Benjamin stay?” Evelyn asked, changing the subject.
“He had things to do. He’d walked out on a meeting, and he needed to go back and settle some work projects.”
“He’ll be back later?”
“I’m sure he will. He and I have some things to talk about.”
“I’ll stay out of your hair, then.”
Joanne grinned. “I know you will. And now we have work to do.”
“Okay.” Her mother rose. “What can I do?”
“We need to get Mandy’s room ready for her.”
“Wonderful. I’ll get the cleaning supplies,” Evelyn said, and darted to the kitchen.
Joanne stood, but staggered by the reality of what had happened, her joy exploded into tears. God’s gift to her was unbelievable, amazing. An early Christmas present. The Father gave His only begotten Son to a world of sinners one Christmas night long ago. Today God had given her another gift, her daughter, offered out of His love.
She sank back into the chair and wept with gratitude and thanks.
“Sorry I’m late,” Benjamin said, coming through the door. “I had to undo some problems I created by vanishing. When they heard what had happened, I’ve been forgiven.”
“We can all use a little of that,” she said, anxious to tell him about the talk with her mother.
He slipped off his jacket and hung it on the closet doorknob. She loved it there. That spot had become a symbol of Benjamin’s presence in her life and heart.
He wandered into the living room and stood for a minute in front of the Christmas tree. She’d turned on the tree lights and had even started a blaze in the fireplace. She walked beside him and nestled her hand in the crook of his arm.
“We cleaned Mandy’s bedroom today,” she said after they’d stood in silence for a few moments.
“I’m sure it felt wonderful to get it ready for her.”
She squeezed his arm. “Like a miracle. I packed up her little clothes and baby toys. Now I can fill it with all kinds of new—” Unbidden, the tears rolled from her eyes. She had cried much of the time she’d packed the old things away. “I’m sorry. I’m being a baby.”
“You’re being a mother. God has given you the most precious gift a woman could ask for. You have every right to cry.” He gave her a sly grin. “I’ve done a little of it myself.”
“You have?”
He nodded, and she noticed the mist rising in his dark brown eyes. She turned toward him and opened her arms. He gathered her against his chest, and she felt as if she’d finally found her way home.
Joanne rejoiced in the moment as they stood together in a silent embrace beside the glistening Christmas tree. Each ornament held a memory—baby’s first Christmas, the nativity, the whimsical ones she and Greg had given to each other. Perhaps this year, she and Benjamin would do something to begin a new set of memories.
She felt Benjamin ease back, his gaze capturing hers. “I think we should sit a while and talk.”
Talk. The word shuddered through her. Would this be his goodbye? Mission accomplished? In thirty seconds, their relationship could self-destruct.
“Sure,” she said, trying to sound casual and confident, but she prepared herself for the worst.
Once they’d settled on the sofa, she sensed his tension. He fidgeted without speaking and she felt her world being torn apart again. Lord, You’ve given back a daughter and now must I lose a—? She paused her thought. A what? Friend? No. A man she loved. She loved him with all her heart. The relationship had blossomed like a wildflower in the forest—unseen and in the shadows, but there and beautiful, until one day a wanderer stumbled upon the rare bloom.
“What is it?” she asked, unable to wait any longer.
Benjamin faced her and the truth. He needed to tell her. He’d kept it to himself far too long. “I guess I need to get something off my chest.”
Her face reflected her concern.
“I have to be honest with you before I can say any more,” he said. “When I was racing to the park, praying you were there and alive, I wished I had told you all of this yesterday. I was so frightened that if something happened, you’d never know.”
“Know what?” She gazed at him.
He leaned forward and rested his hands on his knees, his fingers twined together. He couldn’t look at her for fear she would react negatively. He feared he would disappoint her.
He heard her sigh. She rubbed her arms as if she’d felt a chill, but he suspected it was more than that.
“Remember a few weeks ago,” he said, “when you asked me why I’d never married?”
“Yes. You said you’d been in love but it was a love that couldn’t be.”
“That’s right.” He tilted his head and gazed at her. “Did that make any sense to you, Joanne?”
“Not really. I guessed she might have been engaged or maybe married, but that didn’t seem like you, Benjamin.”
“It’s not like me, but that was the problem.”
She tried to cover her shock, but he could too easily read her face.
“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked.
“The woman was married, and I was ashamed of my feelings. I couldn’t control them no matter what I did, and I finally put it in God’s hands. He solved my problem.”
“Was that while you were in Seattle? Or was it during college?”
“Neither. It was only a few years ago, when I should have known better. I know God has forgiven me, but I hope you can.”
“What is it? Do I know her?”
“Yes. It was you, Joanne. I’d fallen in love with you.”
“Me?” Her voice was a whisper. “You fell in love with me.”
“I loved you and Greg both. I treasured our friendship, and I had no idea that my admiration and feelings for you would grow into something I could hardly control.”
She searched his face as if waiting for a punch line, but he had none. “I did as I said. I asked God to get me out of the problem. The offer came for me to move to Seattle and take over the project there. When Greg died, I felt almost as if God were punishing me for my improper feelings. I knew better, but I could hardly face you. That’s why I was gone so long. I felt ashamed and guilt-ridden.”
She reached out and touched his face. “I had no idea.”
“I tried to hide it, but I feared it was emblazoned on my face.” He held her fingers beneath his palm. “Just as it’s emblazoned on my heart.”
“You’ve loved me all this time.”
Her dazed look would have made him smile if he hadn’t felt such agony.
He nodded.
“How could I not forgive you? You did everything you could to make it right.”
“I dated in Seattle, but I could never find a woman who compared to you. You were the epitome of what I wanted in a wife.”
“And now?”
“My feelings haven’t changed, Joanne.” He felt ready to open his heart. “I love you now even more fully than I did before. You make me feel complete. You and Mandy would bring me such joy if you’d consider being my wife.”
“Your wife?”
“I don’t mean tomorrow…”
A smile eased across her face. “Why not? I love you, too. It sneaked up on me like sunshine bursting through a rain cloud. You brought purpose and joy back into my life. I cherish you as a friend and I’ll cherish you as a husband.”
He rose and drew her into his arms. His mouth touched hers in a tender blend of joy and awareness. One day she would be his wife, a dream he’d owned for so long. Today he could embrace the love he felt, and he prayed that if Greg could look down from heaven, he would be pleased to know that Joanne and Mandy would be loved and cherished as long as he lived.
What more could he ask? God had been his guide. He’d led Benjamin on a long journey, a frightening journey, but he’d arrived home. Nothing could be more precious than to have Joanne and Mandy by his side forever.