GROUP DISCUSSION GUIDE

To assist you in processing the ideas in this book and applying them in real and practical ways, we have created a group discussion guide. We have included in the following pages the group discussion guide for part 1 of this book. You can access the full discussion guide and additional content and tools online at arbinger.com/leadership-and-self-deception.

In this guide, you will encounter helpful summaries of the main ideas, group processing questions and activities, and ideas for further exploration and application. Even if you are not reading this book as part of a group, the resources in this guide are equally powerful when used individually.

For readers who are serious about joining the thousands of clients who have successfully applied these ideas to their organizations to achieve lasting cultural transformation, this guide provides a helpful primer to prepare you to participate in Arbinger’s initial training that launches each transformation process.

Additionally, readers of this book can become certified to deliver Arbinger’s transformative workshops within their organization and participate as a catalyst for the dramatic transformations Arbinger helps its clients achieve.

CHAPTERS 1, 2, and 3:

STUCK IN THE DEEPER PROBLEM

Core Ideas

Theo is meeting with Tom and Ana to help them see a problem that they have but can’t see—the problem of self-deception. To illustrate this type of challenge, Theo shares an experience he had working on a deal in San Francisco as a young corporate attorney. Reflecting on his experience, Theo asks, “How could I be utterly convinced I was dedicated and self-sacrificing in San Francisco when everyone else on the project could see that I was distracted and disengaged? We sometimes cause or amplify our own challenges but seem to be completely unaware that we are doing so.”

Of course, self-deception is not just a lack of awareness that we are causing problems. If the issue were only a lack of awareness, becoming aware would be enough. But self-deception is also characterized by resistance to the possibility that we are causing these problems.

Group Processing

In your reading group, try to identify experiences of self-deception by recognizing times when you believed you were doing your best given the circumstances but, upon more honest reflection, you were actually just finding excuses in your circumstances for not doing your best.

 

 

If someone had suggested at the time that you were not doing your best, how would you have responded, and why? What does that reveal about the nature of self-deception?

 

 

CHAPTER 4:

THE WORK OF A LEADER

Core Ideas

The most important work of a leader is to see clearly and to help others see clearly.

Group Processing

Describe the best leaders you have ever had. What made them so effective? How did they see you? How did they help you see those you were meant to lead, work with, and serve?

 

 

Further Exploration and Application

Having discussed the work of a leader, Theo helps Tom and Ana surface the distorted ways their teams see the other team. He explains to them that, more than any of the unproductive behaviors they are engaging in, the bigger problem is “the way your teams are seeing each other, and the fact that each of them believes that their perception is the truth.” Why? Because the perception the teams have of each other shapes every interaction between them.

Seeing this dynamic between the two teams, think of groups you are aware of or a part of who are engaged in conflict. How are the ways they are seeing each other leading to their unproductive or destructive behaviors? How will the ways these groups see each other keep them from discovering solutions?

 

 

CHAPTERS 5 AND 6:

DEATH, DENIAL, AND A DISEASE OF PERCEPTION

Core Ideas

The Semmelweis story serves as an important metaphor to understand the nature of the disease that is self-deception. In the story, the physicians who were trying to heal patients were the very ones spreading the disease. Like childbed fever, the disease of self-deception is a sickness that infects our perception. It has a disastrous impact on relationships. And it is highly, dangerously contagious.

The carriers suffer from what is medically called anosognosia—the inability to recognize their own illness. The Semmelweis story, Theo says, “is a stark warning. If we don’t see clearly, we may harm the very people we intend to help.”

Group Processing

Why did the physicians in Vienna General Hospital resist the discoveries Semmelweis made and the procedures Semmelweis recommended even though human lives were at stake?

 

 

When have you made matters worse because you didn’t see a situation correctly? What were the consequences? And how did you finally come to see that you were part of the problem?

 

Further Exploration and Application

As Theo revisits his experience in San Francisco, he reflects on how he had lost sight of the fact that his job wasn’t only to fulfill his obligations, it was to fulfill them in a way that enabled others to succeed. “Each of us is interconnected to other people,” he says, “so there’s no way our performance can be accurately measured without accounting for the impact we have on others. To be a parent, or a coworker, or a leader is to be in relationship with real people—people we significantly impact. But that’s exactly what I fail to see when I’m self-deceived and have an inward mindset. In fact, it’s the very thing I don’t want to see. When I’m inward, I only see the negative ways that others impact me.”

With this in mind, consider your roles, professional or personal, and list them below.

Figure 10: Professional and personal roles

Who do you impact in the way you do your work? Who is depending on you? What are their objectives, needs, hopes, and desires?

Who I Impact	Their objectives, needs, hopes, and desires

As you consider these questions, who do you need to learn more about to ensure your efforts are having the right impact? What could you do today to improve your impact?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CHAPTERS 7 AND 8:

THE ROOT CAUSE AND ITS SYMPTOMS

Core Ideas

When we see other people as people, we have impressions, ideas, or senses regarding how we can be helpful to them. Disregarding these senses is an act of self-betrayal—a failure to act on or honor the senses we have toward others when we are seeing them as people.

Group Processing

Identify a time when you had a sense regarding what you should do to respond to another person but you failed to honor that sense. Fill out your own self-betrayal diagram below and include a description of how you saw yourself and the person you had felt called to respond to.

Figure 11: Self-betrayal template

Now ask yourself the following questions and share your discoveries with your discussion group or a trusted advisor:

• Did you see yourself as better than or worse than the other person?

• How were these ways of seeing yourself and the other person distortions of reality?

• Have these inward, self-deceived ways of seeing yourself and others become chronic?

• Do you notice this false self-image showing up in other situations or interactions?

• What is it like to live and work with you when you see yourself and others in these ways?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Visit arbinger.com/leadership-and-self-deception to access the full group discussion guide and additional Arbinger resources and tools.