“The Semmelweis story shows the danger of misperceiving the problems we encounter,” Theo said. “It depicts the very human and very destructive tendency to resist admitting we are part of the problem, even when seeing and acknowledging that could lead to a solution. And I also think it’s a helpful metaphor for understanding self-deception.”
“Oh boy, a metaphor,” Tom said, half joking. “I’m a pretty literal person.”
“I get that,” Theo said. “Well, let’s unpack this. When I say self-deception is a disease, a sickness that targets our perception, what I mean is that it infects us with an inward mindset, a self-focused and distorted way of seeing ourselves and others. Instead of seeing other people as people like we are, with hopes and needs and objectives, we instead see them as obstacles or opportunities, or we don’t really see them at all. The people and situations we encounter matter only to the degree that they impact us.”
Theo peered over his glasses at Tom and Ana. “I bet you’ve been on the receiving end of that before. Feeling like someone only wanted something from you or saw you as a burden? Or maybe didn’t see you at all?”
Tom nodded, thinking of how his daughter acted sweet and affectionate anytime she wanted something from him and how quickly she could turn sour if he refused. He mostly just gave in these days, especially since the divorce.
“Yes,” Ana said, “I had a coworker once who was quick to discount the ideas I had. It felt like they needed to be right and they thought that I was just slowing them down.”
“How did that impact you?” Theo asked.
“I was less willing to share my thoughts because it seemed pointless,” Ana said. “And I tried to work around the person as much as I could.”
“Self-deception has a disastrous impact on relationships because no one likes to be seen or treated as less than fully human,” Theo said. “It’s even more damaging because when we’re self-deceived, we can’t see that we’re self-deceived, and we resist the idea that we are the ones with a problem, just like the doctors who rejected Semmelweis’s findings. And that is exactly what was going on for me in San Francisco.
“I was so inwardly focused, so fixated on my own burdens and perceived mistreatment, that I couldn’t remember how excited and lucky I had felt to be part of the project in the first place. The other people I worked with, even those I considered my friends, were reduced to being minor characters in the all-important drama of my life. And while I had plenty of excuses to explain my slipups, I didn’t have an ounce of curiosity about the objectives, needs, and struggles of others. It was all about me.”
“Well, you can’t be responsible for everything, right?” Tom said, feeling uneasy at some of the implications in what Theo was saying. “Sometimes you just need to get your job done.”
“That’s the thing, though,” Theo said. “Despite all the effort I was putting in, and all the discomfort I was grinding through, I wasn’t doing my job, not in the way that really matters. My job wasn’t just to check off the tasks assigned to me; it was to help move the project forward. Really doing my job would have meant that I was fulfilling my obligations in a way that enabled everyone else on the team to succeed—to have what we call an outward mindset. When I’m outward, I’m interested in the needs and challenges of the people around me, and I work hard to have the right impact on them. That is the result I am responsible for.
“The truth is,” Theo continued, “that each of us is interconnected to other people, so there’s no way our performance can be accurately measured without accounting for the impact we have on others. To be a parent, or a coworker, or a leader is to be in relationship with real people—people we significantly impact. And that means how we accomplish our work can matter as much as what we accomplish.
“But that’s exactly what I fail to see when I’m self-deceived and have an inward mindset. In fact, it’s the very thing I don’t want to see. When I’m inward, I only see the negative ways that others impact me and I refuse to accept my own contributions. And, like I mentioned earlier, I even start to see others as objects to some degree, viewing them as vehicles to get what I want, or as obstacles in my way, or even as irrelevant, like they’re just the background scenery in my life.”
“So let me make sure I’m understanding,” Ana said. “You’re saying that self-deception is a problem in the way we see other people. And that, when we have this problem, we can’t see that our perception of others is distorted?”
Theo nodded. “Don’t see, and even refuse to see. And just like the doctors at Vienna General couldn’t see how a single illness caused all the symptoms of childbed fever, people overlook how self-deception causes various types of dysfunction in organizations. It is the invisible problem that underlies all other issues.”
“Issues like…,” prompted Tom.
Theo rattled off a list: “Lack of accountability, procrastination, power struggles, disengagement, poor communication, entrenched conflict, entitlement, turnover, and low morale, to name just a few.”
“You really believe all that is caused by self-deception?” Tom asked.
“Every people-related problem we face is created, sustained, or exacerbated by self-deception,” Theo replied.
“That’s a big claim,” Ana noted.
“It is,” Theo acknowledged. “And it’s the reason we’re spending this time together. If we fail to see how so many different problems in our human interactions are actually rooted in self-deception, then we waste all sorts of time and energy trying to alleviate symptoms instead of addressing the root cause. At best, these efforts help only temporarily, like relying on coffee to stay awake. And at worst—”
“It’s like doctors opening a couple windows instead of washing their hands,” Ana finished.
“Exactly,” Theo said.
“The analogy is good and all,” Tom said, “but I don’t think handwashing is going to fix procrastination or employee turnover.”
“Of course not,” Theo said. “None of the thorny and recurring challenges in relationships and organizations are going to disappear with one simple shift in behavior. Lasting positive change requires work on a deeper level, that’s why we’re focusing on recognizing self-deception and moving from an inward to an outward mindset. Ultimately the way you see other people matters as much as what you say or do.”
Tom was feeling skeptical. “If you can’t see you have a problem, how do you even know you have it? Where does it come from?”
“Those,” said Theo, “are excellent questions.”