“Welcome back,” Theo said after Ana and Tom were settled. “How was lunch?”
“It really is mind-blowing how many emails can pile up in four hours,” Ana said, sounding almost out of breath.
“Hopefully you’re all caught up,” Theo said, laughing. “Ready to dive back in?”
Theo moved to the whiteboard and uncapped a marker.
“I’d like to summarize what we’ve talked about thus far. What stands out from this morning?”
“That we are either seeing others as people or as objects,” Ana said as Theo wrote.
“Objects in what way?” Theo asked.
“As vehicles that we use, or as problems, or not mattering at all,” Tom said.
“Right,” Theo said as he wrote “vehicles,” “obstacles,” and “irrelevancies” on the board.
“And why are we sometimes so invested in seeing others as objects?” Theo asked.
“Because we betray our own sense of what we should do for them,” Ana said.
“Yes,” Theo said. “And what do we need when we betray ourselves that we didn’t need before?”
“Need?” Tom asked.
“Yes, what becomes most important to us after self-betrayal? What do we need?”
“Oh, right,” Tom said. “Justification. Surprised I forgot that one.”
“That need for justification can feel consuming,” Theo said, “and we find it by seeing ourselves and others in distorted, untruthful ways. In particular, by seeing ourselves as better than or worse than others.”
“And that’s the chronic self-deception you were talking about,” Ana said. “Self-betrayal is a moment in time, a specific choice to turn inward that we try to justify, but if we’re walking around believing that we’re better or worse than other people, we’re already inward toward them so we won’t have senses to help because we don’t really see them. Is that right?” Ana trailed off, unsure. “Actually, could you talk a little more about how that works, Theo?”
“Happy to. You know, it’s not like we walk around consciously telling ourselves that we are better than or worse than others. I mean, it could be overt like that, but it typically tends to be more subtle.
“When I’m seeing myself as better than or worse than others,” Theo continued, “it usually shows up around specific traits or qualities that I use to find justification. Remember the distorted ways I saw myself as better than in that episode with David and Tracie?” Theo said, pointing to the first self-betrayal diagram from that morning. “Hardworking, important, the bigger person? A good dad?”
Tom and Ana both nodded.
“These are the sort of images of myself that I not only believe when I’m self-deceived but that I become invested in having others believe about me too. So, I’ll start to portray myself in these ways because they offer me justification. I need other people to validate these false self-images, and I’ll react poorly if they don’t.
“In San Francisco, part of the reason I couldn’t see how I was hurting the project was because I needed to protect my image of myself as hardworking and dedicated. And I would guess that part of the reason the Vienna doctors refused to accept Semmelweis’s findings was because those findings threatened the image they had of themselves as competent healers.”
“Well, none of those things are bad, right?” Ana said. “I mean, it’s good to be competent and dedicated and hardworking.”
“Of course. But there’s a big difference between wanting to be a certain way and wanting to be seen a certain way,” Theo replied. “When appearance becomes more important to us than reality, other people are relevant to us only insofar as they reinforce or threaten the images we are trying to portray. And in each of these examples, it was precisely this preoccupation with portraying positive traits that got in the way of realizing those traits.
“The physicians rejected discoveries that would have protected their patients and made them more competent healers because they didn’t want to admit ignorance or a mistake. And trying to project my image as a ‘dedicated martyr’ in San Francisco was preventing the kind of collaboration and commitment that the firm actually needed. Does that make sense?” Theo asked.
“I think so,” Tom said. “Like if I care so much about looking smart, I won’t ask questions even though it would make me more educated.”
“That’s exactly right,” Theo responded.
“But all the examples you gave were of positive traits,” Ana noted. “What happens if someone believes something negative about themselves?”
“Important question,” Theo said. “We talked about how I could’ve found justification by seeing myself as worse than Tracie.” He pointed to the other diagram. “She had more experience with children than I did. When I held David, he often ended up crying even harder until he was with his mom. I sometimes felt ashamed and incompetent as a dad. I could have let all that justify my hesitation, allowing my belief that I wasn’t good enough to stop me from even trying to help my son. So if those were parts of my self-image, and I saw myself as incompetent or inexperienced, how do you think it might impact me in other situations?”
“You might not be confident enough to try things,” Tom said, “or you might be quick to give up.”
Ana was quiet for a while, then added, “You wouldn’t want people to see you that way. You’d probably try to hide it. You’d be worried that the ways you’re seeing yourself are true and afraid that other people would find out. Like you’re a fraud.”
“Right,” Theo said. “And I’d spend precious time and energy trying to make sure no one finds out that I’m not as capable as I try to appear. My life may even feel like a kind of performance.”
Ana didn’t say anything.
“When I have distorted views of myself,” Theo continued, “they will infect every interaction. They may be better-than self-images I want to validate or defend or worse-than self-images that I want to hide away for fear of getting found out. But either way, I’m not seeing myself clearly in relationship to others. I’m focused more on appearance than reality. I’m inward. And that sort of chronic self-deception is at the heart of most relationship challenges, not to mention most leadership failures.”
The air in the room felt heavy.
“That’s a lot to think about,” Theo said, breaking the silence. “I think we’ll wrap up for the day. I’d like to give you time to put into practice the ideas we’ve been talking about. I’m guessing you’ve been thinking about someone you’ve been at odds with, a relationship where there’s friction?”
Ana and Tom both nodded.
“Think, for a moment, about any ways you haven’t been seeing this person clearly. Are you feeling better than or worse than them? Are you thinking of them as an obstacle in your way or a means to an end?
“Try to see the person you’re thinking about as a person who is as real as you, who has needs and hopes and real challenges. While you’re doing this, pay attention to any sense you have about what you should do. And then,” Theo said with a wide smile, “go and do what you sense you should do.”
“Today?” Tom asked.
“Of course,” Theo said, smiling. “Today.”