A few minutes after Theo got off the phone with Tom, Ana entered the room.
“Good morning!” Theo called cheerfully. “Tom is running about a half an hour late, but we can get started. How are you doing? How was your evening?”
“It was all right, thanks. I’m glad to get the chance to talk with you,” Ana said. “There’s some things I’ve wanted to ask about.”
“Sure,” Theo said. “What’s on your mind?”
“When I was driving home yesterday, I started thinking about how each car around me had a person inside of it, or even whole families,” Ana started. “And they were all going somewhere, which means they’d been somewhere, and it could have been their grandma’s house or the hospital, and they all have lives and feelings and loved ones waiting for them to arrive. And it just… I mean, it’s beautiful, too, but I feel like I can’t hold that all the time. It’s exhausting.”
She was slightly out of breath when she finished talking.
“I know exactly what you mean,” Theo said.
“We keep talking about how important it is to see the humanity of others,” Ana continued, “and it feels like you’re asking us to care about all the people we interact with all the time. But I’ve already got my kids and husband, my extended family and friends and neighbors and coworkers. I’m spread thin as it is, even without trying to remember everyone’s humanity during rush hour!”
“How do you feel as you’re talking about this, Ana?”
“Discouraged, mostly. Tired. Maybe guilty.”
Theo nodded. “It sounds like you’re wondering how we can see the humanity of others without feeling burned out or overwhelmed. Is that right?”
“Exactly,” Ana said. “Seriously, if you’re seeing everyone around you as people, won’t you get slammed with things you should do for them?”
“It’s a balance, to be sure,” Theo responded. “Sometimes there are competing priorities we have to sort out, and no one has endless time or energy.”
“But couldn’t that just be a justification?” Ana pressed.
“Yes,” Theo said simply. “And the truth is, only you will know for sure. But in my experience, self-betrayal is followed by rapid-fire justifications and feelings such as annoyance or frustration. Other times, I’ve had a sense that I wasn’t able to act on, but I felt at peace about it.
“I remember once seeing someone barely miss the train I was on. I couldn’t do anything about it except to sympathize for the frustration they must have felt and hope they got where they needed to go. Sometimes honoring our senses toward others is as simple as seeing them and extending well-wishes.
“I want to make sure we stay realistic about all this,” Theo continued. “We all have limitations. It’s a part of being human, and that can include feeling guilty, overwhelmed, inadequate, or discouraged at times. I’ve been there too. But those feelings don’t help us be more responsive to the humanity of others. They can easily turn us inward.”
“I see that,” Ana said. “But then it can be hard not to just feel bad for feeling inadequate or overwhelmed.”
“Which would only be deepening a self-focused spiral,” Theo said. “What I’m trying to clarify is that when we say that others matter like we do, it also means that we matter like they do. Staying open to the humanity of people around us doesn’t mean carrying the weight of the world or ignoring our own needs. It doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t prioritize and sometimes say no to what others ask of us. It doesn’t even mean never feeling frustrated or overwhelmed. It’s about not getting bogged down in those self-centered feelings and looking beyond them to see and connect with others. Does that make sense?”
Ana nodded.
“We may not be able to do everything, for everyone, all the time,” Theo continued. “But we can focus on seeing and responding to the people right in front of us.”
“Yeah, the people right in front of us,” Ana repeated. “Well, that’s another challenge I’ve been struggling with. I think I need some advice.”