“Happy to help if I can,” Theo replied. “What’s on your mind?”
“You asked us to think about someone we’re having a hard time with—a relationship where there’s friction. And I, well, I kept thinking about Tom. He’s been hard for me to work with.”
“Tell me more,” Theo said.
“I don’t want to be negative or gossip, it’s just…” Ana sighed. “He talks about that boss he couldn’t stand, and it’s like he’s describing himself. He has an immediate opinion and zero reservations about sharing it. It’s abrasive, especially when his opinions are unsolicited and outside his area of expertise. I’m trying to understand and apply what we’re learning, but I have a hard time not seeing Tom as a problem.”
“Thanks for trusting me to help you explore that,” Theo said. “To start, let me ask you this: Would you say that you tend to see yourself as better than or worse than others?”
“Hmm. That feels hard to answer so directly since I know neither is a good response.” Ana shook her head. “But I think I mostly feel worse than others at work. I worry about not knowing enough or not making the right calls. I can get stuck on my mistakes. But the funny thing is I feel all the better-than emotions at home, like impatience and resentment, especially when I don’t think my husband pulls his weight.”
She thought again about the night before and how annoyed she had been with Jaime. She loved that he was laid-back and family focused. Well, she loved it most of the time. She’d known she needed a partner who was quick to laugh. But sometimes, she wished they both ran at the same speed.
“That’s not uncommon,” Theo said with a smile, interrupting her thoughts. “We all find justification in different ways with different people in different environments. But you’re saying that, in general you feel less than others at work. Is that true toward Tom?”
“I’m not sure,” she responded.
“Well, let me ask this,” Theo continued. “Are there any qualities that you admire in Tom?”
“I think he knows his stuff,” Ana said. “And I think he knows where he’s going. People like to follow that. It seems like his confidence can give other people confidence too.”
“So he’s knowledgeable, confident, has a clear sense of direction,” Theo summarized.
“Yeah, I think that’s true.”
“Interesting that some of those strengths might be tied up in the very traits you find difficult in Tom,” Theo said. “Our strengths and weaknesses usually aren’t opposites. The line between confidently knowledgeable and abrasively opinionated can be thin.”
Ana nodded. “You know, as we’re talking about this, I think the thing that might bother me most is that some part of me believes that the way Tom acts is what leadership should look like. Assertive, certain, straightforward. I often find myself hesitating or second-guessing my choices, which doesn’t seem like the greatest trait in a leader.”
“Where do you think the hesitation and second-guessing comes from?” Theo asked.
“I…” Ana paused. “Some of it is probably just my personality. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve wanted people to like me and wanted to belong. But when you’re always trying to avoid upsetting other people, you can get out of touch with your own opinions.
“I also haven’t seen many leaders who look like me. I feel a lot of pressure to try to blend in, but at the same time, you have to stand out and prove that you belong, especially in sales. Sometimes it’s like I’m acting out a part or wearing a mask. Like you said yesterday, life can feel like a performance—at least at work.”
“I think I understand some of what that’s like,” Theo said. “I was the only African American student in my graduating class at law school. I tried to make sure other people wouldn’t stereotype me, so I was always early to class and careful about how I dressed. If everyone else went casual, I was business casual. I didn’t want anyone to see me unprepared or even struggling. I carried a lot of worry about being negatively categorized in ways that would harm my career chances. It’s not an easy additional weight to carry.”
“No, it isn’t,” Ana said. “I worry about being perceived as arrogant or aggressive, so sometimes I don’t speak up confidently, even when I do know something, to avoid negative labels. I think that might be some of what makes it hard for me to work with Tom. I resent how easy it seems to be for him to speak his mind.”
“I’m curious, Ana,” Theo said. “What do you think it’s like for the people on your team when you’re worried about being seen as arrogant or aggressive?”
“Well, I don’t think they’re getting the real me. It’s a cautious or filtered version.”
“And consequently,” Theo said, “you might not be getting the real them.”
Ana nodded.
“What else?” Theo asked.
“I’m sure it’s not as energizing as it could be. You know what it’s like to work on a project with someone who isn’t thinking about themselves? They’re just free, focused on the project, and connected to other people. That’s exciting and fun. And it lifts you up just being around people like that.”
“I know what you mean. That’s what it’s like for me to work with Kate.”
“She seems like that sort of person,” Ana said. “I wish it felt more like that with Tom.”
“What do you think it would take? To feel that sort of energy and freedom in your work with Tom?” Theo asked.
Ana laughed. “The first things that come to mind are ways I wish he were different or would change. But I don’t think those are the sort of answers you’re looking for.”
“I do find that focusing on the things we can actually control tends to be more empowering and effective,” Theo responded with a smile. “Which isn’t to say that Tom isn’t responsible for how he behaves. He has areas where he can improve too. But given the qualities you said you admire in him, what if you were to give advice to someone just like you who was working with someone just like Tom?”
Ana thought for a minute. “I’d say learn all you can from them. And don’t feel threatened or intimidated.”
“That’s great advice,” Theo said. “It can be hard to shake the self-focused worry of an inward mindset, particularly if someone else’s strengths seem to shine a spotlight on areas where we aren’t confident. The more we get worried about being seen in a certain way or become focused on our weaknesses, the less able we are to focus on the project and people we work with. Reframing our situation as an opportunity to learn is a much better response. Though,” he chuckled, “it’s easier said than done.”
Ana smiled, then looked thoughtful. “I know I am a much better leader when I’m not focused on looking like a good leader. And I can see that some of my struggles with Tom could be from comparing areas he’s good at to ones I’m working on. But I’m not sure how to feel more confident or free as a leader. I can feel stuck between that fear of being perceived as abrasive and fear of not being decisive or confident enough. How do I get over that?”
“What you’re talking about is more common than you’d think,” Theo said. “It’s actually pretty easy to talk about changing behaviors—do this, don’t do that. But when you talk about changing mindset, it’s trickier, even counterintuitive, because it’s not just a matter of effort. If the problem is an inward mindset, the solution can’t be more focus on ourselves, even if we’re trying to cure ourselves. You don’t get to an outward mindset by gritting your teeth and trying to force yourself to think about others, because that can still just be about you.”
“Okay,” Ana said slowly.
“The people you were describing who help others feel energized and excited, they’re less worried about or focused on themselves because they are so curious about others and so engaged in the projects they are working on with others. Becoming free of chronic self-deception—better than or worse than—doesn’t happen when we focus on ourselves. We become self-deceived when we lose sight of the humanity of others. We are only freed by seeing and focusing on the humanity of others.
“I want you to experiment with it today and just try to see Tom as a person. Not putting him on some sort of pedestal or ignoring things that bother you, but paying attention and seeing if you can find any moments of genuine curiosity. It’s a gift to offer others, and it would be nice if they would offer that first, but just try and see what happens.”
“I will,” Ana said. “Thanks, Theo.”
“And remember,” Theo said, “we didn’t hire you to be Tom, Ana. We need the skills, experience, and strengths you bring. We hired Tom, and we also hired you.”