“Why was that so easy?” Ana asked. “I can’t imagine us having that conversation yesterday. I mean, we could have tried, but I think it would have made things worse.”
“You both deserve credit for the work you’ve done to see each other more clearly,” Theo said. “That’s what makes it possible to escape collusion.”
“I’ve been impressed with the questions Ana has been asking,” Tom said. “They’ve been really insightful. She’s—” He turned to Ana. “You’re sharp. I can see why you’re the Sales lead.”
“We can see why she’s the Sales lead too,” Kate said, walking into the room.
“Kate!” Lou exclaimed.
“It’s good to see you, my friend,” Kate said, embracing Lou. “And it sounds like I made it in time for the grand finale!”
She looked at the collusion diagrams on the whiteboard. “Y’all have been busy!”
“It’s been…” Ana started, then turned to Tom.
“One unusual leadership training,” Tom finished.
“And we’ve really only gotten started,” Theo said. “This isn’t just an exercise. There’s not an exam for you to pass. The only way it makes any positive difference at all is if these concepts are lived. We’ll keep working on implementation in our monthly coaching sessions.”
“But I think you’re off to a great start,” Lou said.
“We want to make sure you leave feeling better equipped to see and lead your teams,” Kate said. “What other questions do you both still have?”
“I could use help finding concrete ways to put things into practice,” Tom said.
“We’ve tried to structure our company in a way that supports an outward way of working at all levels,” Kate said. “We’ll give you specific tools to help you lead your teams in an outward way. And it’s important that you understand how our reporting practices, incentive structures, and policies are all designed to help people take others into account.”
“But ultimately,” Theo noted, “it all boils down to helping individuals see and respond to the people around them, so there are some elements that can’t be prescribed. The change has to come from you. It’ll take some practice to figure it out.”
Tom nodded.
“I’m wondering how to pass this information on to others, “Ana said. “I want to talk about it with my husband, but I’m not really sure where to go after ‘You have a problem, but you can’t see that you have a problem, and your resistance to the idea that you have a problem indicates that you do in fact have a problem.’”
Lou laughed. “You should’ve heard my conversation with Kate the first time I tried to explain self-deception!”
“It was all over the place.” Kate smiled. “But I hadn’t ever seen Lou so sincere before. It was like interacting with a new person.”
“I’m glad you gave me a second chance,” Lou said.
“To answer your question on the work front, Ana,” Theo said, “we’ve been working on a modified version of this training to offer all employees, not just leaders. In the past, we’ve relied on a sort of trickle-down approach, but we know that sustained cultural transformation requires a widespread shift in mindset in addition to committed and capable leadership.”
“I’d love to pilot that with my team!” Ana said. “We could even do something with Sales and Product together. What do you think, Tom?”
“That could be a game-changer,” Tom said.
“And when it comes to explaining self-deception at home,” Theo smiled, “I bet Lou has an idea or two.”
“Helping people understand what you’ve been learning is important,” Lou said. “That’s why we’ve invested this time with both of you. But living it is even more important. As you share what you’ve learned, remember that we can try to ‘teach’ and that will just be a way to blame others with a new vocabulary.”
“We all exist in relationship,” Theo said. “We are who we are in relation to others, and they are who they are in relation to us, at least to some degree. So we can influence the dynamic between us.”
“Not that we can force others to change,” Kate noted, “or that all relationships are on equal footing. Power differences exist.”
“That’s very true.” Lou nodded. “And still, I am a part of each interaction I ever have with another person.” He gestured to the whiteboard. “A collusion cycle can be changed at multiple points by either party. We don’t need to wait for others to change before we see their humanity. We can offer them a different, outward version of us to interact with, one that isn’t objectifying or blaming. And that can change the entire dynamic.
“Though it doesn’t mean things will change immediately. When Cory was in treatment, I started seeing him as a person, really for the first time. When I saw him that way, I wanted to talk to him, but I couldn’t. So I started sending him letters. I wrote of happy memories we had shared, asked questions about his experiences, and apologized for ways I had treated him poorly. I wrote to him in the way I should have been talking to him if I had been seeing him clearly.
“He didn’t respond at first. But reaching out that way still felt better to me than my anger and blame. And eventually, as the weeks passed, he slowly began to open up. I discovered the boy I never knew I had. He was full of insights and hopes and struggles. He was finally a real person to me, one I had overlooked and assumed I understood. Our relationship transformed because we found a way to see each other again.”
“That’s beautiful,” Ana said. “I want to experience that.”
“It looks to me like you have,” Kate said. “Things feel very different between you and Tom than they did yesterday morning.”
“One of the best parts of my job,” Theo said, “is seeing relationships change for the better. I’m excited to see what you and your teams accomplish together.”
“I hope you see what it could mean for the people you lead if you are free of self-deception,” Lou said, “because when people have an outward mindset and are alive and responsive to one another, there’s not much they can’t accomplish. That’s the great secret behind Zagrum’s success. So don’t tell anyone.” He winked.