Alice felt guilty as she listlessly chewed her steak in the dining room of the Mill Hotel. She knew that there were children in Balbriggan whose families could rarely afford meat – much less fillet steak – but she couldn’t work up any enthusiasm for her food tonight. She was attending a dinner to welcome Stella’s mother home from Canada, and seated with her at the table were her own mother, Stella, and Captain and Mrs Radcliffe.
The dining room of the Mill was busy with Saturday night customers, and her group was at the best table and receiving attentive service from the staff. It was a chilly November evening, but in here the atmosphere was cosy and warm. Alice looked around her, taking in the soft candlelight, crisp linen table cloths, gleaming cutlery and sparkling glasses, and she realised that the diners in the Mill were living in a bubble.
Outside the war was raging, and in the aftermath of Monday’s execution of Kevin Barry there had been fighting in Longford, Galway, Waterford and Kerry, with civilians, police officers and British soldiers killed. How could so many of the customers here act as though nothing was happening, she wondered.
She toyed with her food, only half listening as Mrs Radcliffe described her sea voyage back from Canada. She was a smart, engaging woman with dark hair and sparkling eyes, and Alice liked her. But her fear was that Mrs Radcliffe would want Stella to move out of the Mill. It had been bad enough losing one friend when Johnny had left, but Alice hated the idea of also losing Stella, her closest friend and confidante, and she had worried about it for days.
‘What’s this I hear about Balbriggan being “adopted” by Philadelphia?’ asked Mrs Radcliffe now.
‘It’s a way of showing support, Mom,’ said Stella, ‘because of all the buildings that were burned down.’
‘I think it’s more political than that,’ said Commander Radcliffe. ‘I daresay they want to help rehouse people, but I suspect it’s also an anti-British move by Irish elements in America.’
‘What does it matter, Dad, if it helps get Balbriggan rebuilt?’ asked Stella.
‘Politics always matters, dear, there’s no getting away from it.’
‘Well, maybe we can get away from it just for tonight,’ suggested Mrs Radcliffe.
‘I couldn’t agree more,’ said Alice’s mother. ‘Time enough for all the other problems. This is your homecoming night.’
‘Fine. No politics tonight,’ said Stella’s father with a smile as he raised his hands in mock surrender.
The mood at the table was relaxed, and Alice sensed that this was the moment to pose the question that had been in her thoughts since the start of the meal.
‘Can I ask a question, Mrs Radcliffe?’ she said.
‘Of course, Alice. What’s on your mind?’
Alice hesitated, seeking to find the right words. ‘I know it’s your family, and I hope you won’t think I’m intruding, but…’
‘Yes?’ said Mrs Radcliffe encouragingly.
‘Will Stella be leaving now you’re back? Or can she stay in the Mill for the rest of the school year? Please say she can stay, I’d really hate to lose her!’
Stella’s mother looked a little surprised by the question and glanced at her husband. ‘Well, we hadn’t decided anything yet, Alice.’
‘But I had asked Dad to let me stay in the Mill during term time,’ said Stella.
‘That was when I was away,’ said Mrs Radcliffe.
‘I know, Mom. And it’s brilliant that you’re back, and it’ll be great spending weekends and holidays with you and Dad. But can I stay here during school term? I’d miss Alice as much as she’d miss me.’
Alice held her breath as she watched her friend’s mother closely, hoping for a clue to her thinking. Once again Mrs Radcliffe glanced at her husband, who gave a little shrug that Alice hoped indicated acceptance. Stella’s mother paused, and although it was only for a moment, to Alice it felt as she would never deliver her answer.
‘All right, then. Maybe it would be best to see the school year out. After that we’ll review things. Assuming that’s acceptable to you, Mrs Goodman?’
‘More than acceptable. Stella is welcome to stay as long as she likes.’
‘OK, Stella?’
‘Yes, that’s great, Mom. Thanks.’
Mrs Radcliffe turned to Alice, a smile playing about her lips. ‘Happy now, Alice?’
‘Happy as Larry!’ said Alice, playfully raising her glass of lemonade in a toast. ‘Happy as Larry!’
* * *
Johnny walked along the edge of the cliff on Howth Head, the salt air bracing as he looked down at the glistening sea breaking on the rocks below him.
‘I never tire of this view,’ said his mother, indicating the sweep of Dublin Bay. ‘No matter what season it is, any time I get to Dublin, I try to come out here.’
‘Yes, it’s great,’ said Johnny. The heather-clad hillside before them looked beautiful in the autumn sunshine, while across the shimmering waters of bay could he could see the Wicklow mountains, their peaks etched against a clear blue sky.
Today was his second meeting with his mother, and with other day trippers they had gone on the train from Dublin to Sutton, and then taken the Hill of Howth tram to the summit of Howth Head. All week long Johnny had been looking forward to Sunday, and now he was savouring again the rapport they had established the previous week in the tea rooms.
There was so much for both of them to catch up on, and they had chatted non-stop on the train and tram. Johnny had discovered that his mother’s favourite composer was Chopin, that her favourite food was apple tart, and that she was bad at sports, but good at swimming. He had revealed that he was good at soccer, but not so good at swimming, that his favourite food was rice pudding, and that his favourite piece of music was ‘Alexander’s Ragtime Band’ by Irving Berlin.
He had learnt that his father was gentle, but had a strong sense of humour. He had learnt also that Josef Lazlo was good at chess, and the fact that Johnny too was a skilful player made him feel bonded to the father that he had never met.
Standing on the cliff path, Johnny and his mother savoured the view across the bay for a moment more, then continued in the direction of the Baily Lighthouse.
‘Tell me more about my uncle and my cousins,’ said Johnny.
‘You’ve four cousins, two boys and two girls. Michael is nine, Peg is seven, Sean is five and baby Cora is two.’
‘Will I get to meet them?’
‘Of course. My brother John isn’t like my father was. When I wrote to John that we’d met again, he was really pleased.’
‘And they’re all in Athlone?’
‘No, they’re in Glasgow now. I telephoned John. Remember I told you we sold the chemist shop earlier this year?’
‘Well, the idea was that I’d stay on for several months, for a hand-over period. But John’s best friend lives in Glasgow and he’d tipped him off about a bigger, better chemist’s that was up for sale there. So John bought it. His wife Hannah – she’d be your Aunt Hannah now – and she’s a lovely woman, you’ll like her. Anyway, Hannah and the family are starting a new life with John in Scotland.’
‘And are you going too?’
‘The plan was that I’d join them this month. It was just pure luck I was still in Athlone when your letter came.’
‘It would have been awful if you never got it.’
‘Well, the new owner probably would have forwarded it. But I’m glad it never came to that.’
She looked at him, her expression appearing a little nervous. ‘Now that we’ve had a second chance, Johnny, I don’t ever want to lose you again. I’d…I’d like us to be together. How would you feel about that?’
‘I’d like it. I don’t want to lose you again either.’
His mother smiled. ‘Good. Obviously we’ll take it a step at a time, but we should talk about the future.’
‘Yeah.’
Part of Johnny was exhilarated that his mother was so keen to have him in her life. And it was great to no longer be rootless, and to know who his father was, and to have cousins and an uncle and aunt. But another part of him was anxious. He had a mission to accomplish for Michael Collins, and he couldn’t pull out of it now. He looked across Dublin Bay, its calm beauty belying the chaos and the killing that was going on in the city. Maybe he could stall his mother a little, finish his mission without her knowing, and then start whatever future they were to have. But that would mean beginning their relationship with a lie, and he didn’t want that.
He walked along the trail, his thoughts a jumble. He could swear his mother to secrecy, and tell her about his mission. But he had already seriously breached the rules by telling Stella and Alice that he was working undercover. Mrs Hanlon knew he had made contact with his mother, and she had reminded Johnny again about the need for the utmost secrecy until the mission was over.
‘You’ve gone very quiet, Johnny.’
‘Sorry, I just…I was just thinking.’
‘It’s a confusing time,’ said his mother gently. ‘Take as long as you need to think about it all.’
Johnny was touched by her concern and he felt a strong urge to come clean. Yet if he did he would be breaking the trust of Collins and Mrs Hanlon. He understood the need for secrecy – they were involved in a life and death struggle where one slip could mean capture, and where even a prisoner as young as Kevin Barry could be executed. But was his mother really a security risk? From her comments about the Black and Tans it had been clear that her sympathies were with the rebels. He walked on in silence, his head swimming from his conflicting urges.
Suddenly he came to a halt and turned to face his mother. He paused, trying to marshal his thoughts.
‘What’s wrong?’ she asked
‘If I…if I tell you something, will you promise to tell nobody?’
‘Of course.’
‘It’s really, really important. You have to swear you’ll tell no one.’
‘All right, Johnny. If it matters that much, then I swear.’
‘I shouldn’t be saying this,’ said Johnny, ‘but I don’t want any lies between us. When I…when I worked in the Mill Hotel in Balbriggan I was spying for the rebels.’
‘What?!’
‘Lots of RIC and British officers drank in the Mill. I listened in on what they said and passed it to the IRA.’
‘Oh my God, Johnny! That’s a dangerous game.’
‘No more dangerous that what other people are doing to free Ireland.’
‘They’re not fourteen years old.’
‘I know. But this was something I wanted to do. The thing is…I’m still working for them.’ He saw the confusion on his mother’s face.
‘I thought you were working for the telegraph office.’
‘I am, but that’s a cover. I’m carrying out a mission. I can’t tell you anything about it. They’d go mad if they knew I’d told you this much. So please, don’t ask me what I’m doing.’
‘But it’s something dangerous, isn’t it?’
‘I’m being extremely careful.’
She looked him in the eye. ‘I can’t tell you what to do, Johnny – I lost that right a long time ago. But your life is precious. It would be unbearable if anything happened to you. Especially now we’ve been given this second chance.’
‘I know.’
‘I want us…I want us to have a future together.’
‘So do I. So I won’t take any more risks than I have to. But I’ve got to see this out – it’s only for a few more weeks. All right?’
‘If…if that’s what you really have to do.’
‘It is. Absolutely.’
‘All right then,’ she said reluctantly. ‘And Johnny?’
‘Yes?’
‘Thank you for sharing this with me.’
‘I want us to be straight with each other.’
‘We will be. Always. Meanwhile, there’s a lot of stuff we need to think through.’
‘Will we do it as we walk?’
‘Yes, let’s do that.’
‘After you,’ said Johnny. He breathed out, relieved that he had taken the plunge, then he happily followed his mother along the sunlit path.