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Sweat trickled down the back of Evan’s neck as he shoved the covers away. He shifted, his bare leg brushing against rough, stiff fabric, and his brow furrowed in confusion. He reached out, blinking sleepily as he tried to put the pieces together. When his hand met solid, warm flesh, his lips curled into a smile. Jeremy had stayed after they’d fooled around. That’s why he felt so warm.
Jeremy was sprawled on his back, and when Evan squinted, he could see Jeremy’s face turned away. Carefully scooting closer, he wiggled until he was wedged between Jeremy’s arm and torso. He gently rested his head on Jeremy’s shoulder, letting out a sigh of contentment. Jeremy wasn’t hugely built, but his chest and shoulders were wide, his arms solid. He made Evan feel safe.
A faint memory of falling asleep on Jeremy’s chest after his orgasm tickled through his mind, and he winced when he realized Jeremy hadn’t come. He hadn’t meant to be a jerk and fall asleep, but it had been the best orgasm of his life. The first one ever with another person. He felt so comfortable in Jeremy’s arms, so content and cared for. For the first time, he felt like he belonged somewhere. Like he mattered.
Evan untucked his hand from where it rested between their bodies and tentatively rested it on Jeremy’s chest. He stirred a little, letting out a quiet sigh, but settled immediately back into sleep. The steady rise and fall of his breathing was comforting.
Evan squirmed closer, his cheek rubbing against Jeremy’s shoulder, his fingertips wandering a little. He explored the firm planes of Jeremy’s pecs, the warm, smooth skin tempting him to touch. When he’d asked Jeremy to take him to the club last night, he’d never imagined they’d end up in bed together. His plan had been to get over Jeremy, meet someone else, and move on, but this was so much better. This was what he’d wanted all along. He’d never wanted to be with anyone else; he’d just never dreamed Jeremy would give him a chance. But he had seemed different last night, more relaxed and open. And the way he’d looked at Evan? Oh, it took Evan’s breath away. It made his heart pound and a little shiver skitter up and down his spine. And to have gone from thinking that nothing would ever happen between them to this? He hardly knew what to expect now.
The fact Jeremy had stayed said everything. Evan rubbed his cheek against Jeremy’s shoulder again, breathing in his scent, wanting to imprint every moment into his memory. For so many years, he’d felt alone and unwanted. Falling asleep in Jeremy’s arms two nights in a row was beginning to soften the bad memories, replacing them with something new and wonderful. They filled up the hollow ache that had been inside him for as long as he could remember.
Evan continued to stroke Jeremy’s skin, thrilled with the opportunity to touch him. When he fell asleep in Jeremy’s bed the night before last, they’d slept fully clothed, but now, feeling their bare skin pressed together was so much better. Maybe he’d wake Jeremy, in a while, with a handjob if he was feeling brave. Evan bit his lip at the thought. He wanted Jeremy to feel as good as Evan had earlier. He explored lower on Jeremy’s abdomen, dragging his fingertips across the firm muscles. He traced the shallow line down the center of Jeremy’s abdomen, dipping into his navel, the soft hair that began below tickling his fingertip. Holding his breath, he traced it to the edge of Jeremy’s jeans. Jeremy stirred, shifting on the bed, and Evan followed the edge of the fabric until he hit a strange spot where the texture of Jeremy’s skin changed. Evan explored it for a second, curious, trying to figure out what it was. His thumb smoothed over the spot, and it had just registered that it was probably scar tissue when Jeremy sat upright, shoving him away.
“Don’t fucking touch me,” he roared.
Evan fell back on the bed as Jeremy scrambled off the mattress, swearing loudly. Stunned, Evan groped for the lamp beside the bed and turned it on to see Jeremy’s face twisted with pain. Jeremy’s skin went gray as he hobbled toward the bathroom and slammed the door behind him. Evan sat there for a moment, his stomach churning with anxiety as he tried to understand what had happened.
All he wanted to do was touch Jeremy. Be close to him.
He froze as he finally put the pieces together. Jeremy was sensitive about his scars. Hell, he’d told Evan that before. And Evan had touched them without asking. He sat on the edge of the bed in a daze, knowing he’d just fucked up. Horribly.
He heard a retching sound from the bathroom and winced, his own stomach twisting in a sympathetic response. Jeremy had probably hurt himself in his hurry to get away. Shit. Double shit. How in the hell am I going to fix this? He stood again, reaching for his boxers and T-shirt, terrified of how Jeremy would react when he came out of the bathroom. He wasn’t afraid of Jeremy, but he was scared that Jeremy would run.
Evan crossed the apartment as the toilet flushed, and he heard running water in the sink. He stood in front of the bathroom door, hesitating, and a few moments later, the sound of rushing water stopped. He reached up to knock tentatively but there was no response.
“Jeremy?” he called out quietly. “I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t think about what I was doing. I know I shouldn’t have touched your scars without asking.”
Still no response from the other side of the door, and his stomach churned uncomfortably.
“Please don’t be mad at me.” His voice shook. “I made a mistake, but I didn’t see anything, and even if I had, I wouldn’t care, I swear. I just wanted to be close to you ... to touch you, but the scars don’t matter to me. I don’t care about them.”
The door opened, and Evan nearly fell into the bathroom. He stumbled as Jeremy brushed past him and braced himself on the doorframe.
“I care, okay.” Jeremy’s voice was terse and hard, but he looked a little less gray as he limped into the bedroom area and picked up his discarded undershirt. “I care, and this was a huge fucking mistake.”
“I know I made a mistake, but I’m sorry,” Evan protested. “Tell me what you’re okay with and I’ll do it. We can turn the lights off and get under the covers. I’ll do anything.”
Jeremy paused with his shirt halfway on, and Evan averted his gaze so he wouldn’t stare at the scars and make the situation even worse. “You don’t get it, Evan. Being with you was a mistake. I can’t do this. I can’t have a normal sex life, and I don’t have a goddamn thing to offer you in any other way.” His tone was like a slap to the face, and Evan flinched as though the words had physically made contact.
Out of the corner of his eyes, Evan saw Jeremy yank his undershirt down and he glanced back at him. He could see smears of come on the shirt; he flushed at the thought of what they’d done and the way the best night of his life was rapidly falling apart. Jeremy shrugged his other shirt on and quickly buttoned it with sharp, jerky movements.
“Please don’t go,” Evan protested, fear filling him. “We can make it work, I swear.”
“Jesus Christ, Evan, quit begging,” Jeremy snarled. “And quit acting like a goddamn child.”
“I’m not a child, Jeremy,” Evan retorted, stepping closer, his temper flaring bright and hot at the insult.
“Christ, I know you’re not! I wouldn’t have done what I did if you were,” Jeremy yelled. It made Evan all too aware of the faint discomfort of dried lube on his cock and the stains on the bedspread. “But I’m not the guy you think I am. You look at me with these damn starry eyes as if I hung the moon, and I didn’t. I can’t be that guy for you.” Jeremy sat down, grimacing, and reached for his shoes. “Look, I tried. I tried to be who you wanted me to be, but I’m too fucked up to manage it. This should never have happened, okay? I made a mistake last night, and I think it’s best if we forget it happened.”
“I won’t forget,” Evan said stubbornly, but even as he said it, his stomach dropped into his knees at the thought of Jeremy walking away. He was about to leave, and Evan didn’t know how to stop him or how to fix this.
“You should.” Jeremy wrestled his shoe on and stood. He swayed on his feet for a second as his skin went chalky again. Evan reached for him, but Jeremy shook him off. His anger seemed to dissipate as his shoulders dropped, and his voice softened slightly. “Look, it’s time you find out what the rest of the world is like. Go meet guys. Go be young and stupid.” He ran his thumb across Evan’s cheek with a sad smile. “Just not too stupid.”
Evan stared at him. “And what will you be doing?”
Jeremy’s voice came out gruff. “Feeling lucky I was your first for a few things.”
He turned to go, and Evan caught him by the arm.
“Don’t do this, Jeremy.” Evan hated the way he sounded, as if he was pleading with him. He wanted to drop to his knees and beg Jeremy to stay, but he was afraid that would only make things worse—that it would make Evan seem weak in Jeremy’s eyes. “Please.”
“I can’t be the guy you’re looking for,” Jeremy murmured as he turned back to face Evan. “You have no idea how much I wish I could, but it’s not possible.”
“Why?” He winced when his voice cracked. “I don’t understand.”
“I’m too ... damaged. And I have too much of my own shit to deal with. I can barely manage to give you a handjob much less anything else. I’m not able to be what you need. I’d be a shitty boyfriend.”
Evan straightened and brushed away the tears. “What if—if you didn’t have to commit to me, and we ... we slept together. It wouldn’t have to mean anything. Give me rules about where I can touch you. You can keep your pants on. I don’t care.” Right then, he would take anything, whatever Jeremy would give him.
Anything but losing him.
“I’m in no shape for sex, and you deserve a hell of lot more than a cripple for a lover.” Jeremy’s voice was surprisingly gentle. “And let’s be honest. It’s more than sex for you, isn’t it? You want the rest too. Wouldn’t it hurt you to wonder why you weren’t good enough for me to commit to?”
Evan flinched. “I wouldn’t,” he protested, but he knew he was lying.
“You would. And I know I’m hurting you now, but it’ll hurt a lot less than some half-assed non-relationship.” Jeremy brushed Evan’s hair off his forehead. “I care about you, Evan, way more than I should. What happened last night was a mistake, and we can’t repeat it.”
“Wasn’t it good?”
“It was perfect.” Jeremy sighed, the corner of his mouth twisting up in a sad smile. “But that makes it worse, right? I can’t give you what you need, and it’s going to end badly if we continue. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, Evan.”
“You already have,” Evan whispered.
“Oh, kid.” Jeremy wrapped his arms around Evan, and he collapsed gratefully, his cheek against Jeremy’s shoulder. “I know. And I’m sorry.” Evan cried. It hurt because he was still in Jeremy’s arms, and it felt so good and so right, but he knew Jeremy was going to walk out the door. He was going to walk out and break Evan’s heart. He tried to breathe in Jeremy’s scent and commit every moment of what it felt like to be in Jeremy’s arms into his memory. God, why had he been so stupid earlier? He should have just been content with what Jeremy would give him. If he’d fallen asleep in Jeremy’s arms instead of trying to touch him, none of this would have happened. They would still be in bed now.
Jeremy’s grasp tightened around Evan for a moment before he let go and stepped back. The ache bloomed in Evan’s chest, and he felt the loneliness creep across his shoulder blades.
It physically hurt knowing Jeremy would never touch him again. What was worse, Evan was afraid this would be the last time he’d ever see Jeremy. Sure, Jeremy had gone back and forth before, but this felt final. Evan wrapped his arms around himself as if it would somehow protect him from what he knew was coming. He stared at Jeremy for a long moment, terrified to ask the next question because he knew what the answer would be. Eventually, he forced the words out. “Can we still be friends?”
Jeremy hesitated then shook his head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. I don’t think we were ever really friends, to be honest. I’ve known the whole time that I’ve wanted you, and that’s always going to be there. We’ll be hanging out and thinking about getting each other naked. It’s too fucking complicated, Evan. I’m sorry. Christ, I really am. I shouldn’t have let things go so far. That’s my fault, but I think it’s better if we end it now. Walk away before I hurt you more.”
It can hurt more than this? Evan thought numbly as he followed Jeremy to the door.
“I’m gonna miss you.” His voice cracked again, wavering on the edge of tears. Jeremy paused in the doorway and turned to face him. He looked as miserable as Evan felt, but that was no consolation.
“I’m gonna miss you too, kid.” Jeremy leaned in, brushing his lips across Evan’s one final time before he pulled away and disappeared down the hall as quickly as his limp would allow.
Evan stared after him, his heart splintering into a thousand little pieces as Jeremy walked out of his life.