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The Jeremy-shaped hole in Evan’s life seemed much larger than it should’ve been. As if he’d taken up far more space in Evan’s heart and brain than Evan had realized. But even when he was so angry he wanted to throw things or felt ready to bury his head under a pillow and never come out, there was the same underlying numbness that had been there since Jeremy walked out.
He ate cereal in the morning and it was there. He stood by the graveside of a man who’d died in a car accident, leaving a wife and three young girls behind, and he felt nothing. He took out the trash and did his laundry, and it lingered. Everything hurt inside him yet the rest of the world seemed far away and fuzzy.
He wasn’t jarred out of his stupor until nearly a week after Jeremy walked out of his apartment.
Evan followed his coworker, Bernard, into the visitation room. The deceased was in a casket at one end of the room, and there were a handful of floral arrangements near it that had to be displayed before the visitation began.
“I’ll take care of the flowers,” Evan offered, and Bernard nodded as he flipped through the paperwork to double-check what else the family had requested.
Before he arranged the flowers, Evan wanted to take a moment to acknowledge the deceased man. He didn’t like working around him as if he was just another piece of furniture. No matter how much Evan had to distance himself on some level just to get through every day, he didn’t want to forget there was a person inside the casket. A human being who had laughed, cried, loved, and hurt.
As Evan approached, he caught a glimpse of the man lying in front of him. He was in his mid-thirties with dark hair and a strong jaw. For a heart-stopping second, Evan’s pulse pounded in his ears as he saw Jeremy lying there. He froze, his stomach tumbling as his brain tried to understand what was happening.
After a moment of shallow, panicked breathing, he remembered the deceased’s name was David, and he was a straight, divorced man. It’s not Jeremy, he thought. Evan had to repeat it several times to be sure and felt weak with relief when the panic began to subside.
“You all right?” Bernard asked. Mutely, Evan shook his head and looked at the man in the casket more closely. Now, he looked much less like Jeremy. Sure, the coloring and face shape were similar, but that was where the resemblance ended. He could have been any number of dark-haired men in their thirties. “Remind you of someone you know?”
Evan tore his eyes away from the deceased to look at Bernard. “Yeah.”
“It happens to all of us at some point or another. Swore I saw my granddaddy once, but it was just another old man. Hits you hard though, doesn’t it?”
Evan took a deep, shuddering breath. “Yeah, it does.”
“You can swap with another director, if you need to,” Bernard offered. “No shame in that. We all have those clients we can’t quite manage. Better to switch now than upset the family.”
Shaking his head, Evan tried to pull himself together. “Thanks. I’ll be okay. I had a weird moment, but I’ll be fine.” He glanced back over at the casket. The guy hardly looked like Jeremy at all any more, but it still sent a strange shiver down his spine. He thought about how close Jeremy had come to dying after his accident. Evan might not have been there, but he could picture it. Could now see what Jeremy would have looked like laid out in a casket, and he hated it.
Even if he never saw Jeremy again, it was a relief knowing he was alive.
“Was it the guy you were seein’?”
Trying to shake off the odd feeling, Evan walked over to the flowers and began arranging the display.
“We weren’t actually seeing each other, but yeah,” Evan admitted as he worked, feeling a stab of pain at the thought of what had happened between him and Jeremy. “Things got weird between us, so he’s probably been on my mind more than he would be otherwise. That must be it.”
He wasn’t sure if he believed it though. He didn’t doubt that it happened to every funeral director at some point or another, but why now? He wondered if it meant something—more than a weird trick of the brain—and if it meant he should contact Jeremy. Except, what good would that do? Jeremy didn’t want him.
Maybe Jeremy had been right when he told Evan he was too messed up for a relationship. Besides, Evan had already tried to change his mind only to end up where he was now: broken-hearted and alone.
***
When Evan woke up the next day, he realized he was tired of staying inside and moping. He had the day off so, after a quick shower and breakfast, he went to Piedmont Park. It had been an especially hot, muggy week, and Evan wanted to get outside before the worst of it hit.
His favorite bench near the athletic fields was in the shade and unoccupied, so he got comfortable with his iPad. He was reading the latest book in a sci-fi series and enjoying it. Occasionally, he glanced up to sneak glimpses at all the hot guys stripping off their shirts as the heat rose and they grew sweatier. The sight didn’t give him as much enjoyment as usual though. Shirtless guys made him think of Jeremy.
Well, everything made him think of Jeremy.
One of the shirtless, sweaty guys crossed his vision, holding a leash and following a tiny, roly-poly white and brown puppy. It scampered as fast as its fat little legs would take it, and Evan smiled at the sight. The guy must have thought Evan was smiling at him because he grinned back. He was cute: tall, blond, and tan.
But he wasn’t Jeremy.
Mood plummeting, Evan looked back down at his screen, pushing thoughts of guys—Jeremy or otherwise—out of his head again. He got lost in the book once more, enjoying the way it took him away from his own problems and immersed him in another world. He’d reached a particularly thrilling part when he felt something nudge his foot. He glanced down and saw the puppy from earlier tugging on his shoelace. He smiled down at it, laughing when it backed up, wagging its tail as it growled and pulled harder. His mood lifted, and he realized it was the first time he’d laughed since Jeremy walked out the door a week ago.
“Sorry,” a slightly breathless voice said, and Evan looked up to see the owner standing in front of him, dripping with sweat and red in the face. He brushed a hand across the top of his buzzed, dark blond hair. “He got away from me.”
Evan shrugged and gave the guy a shy smile. “It’s okay. He’s cute.”
The guy was too. Really cute. Maybe not Evan’s usual type—he pushed the thought away again—but he had a great smile, and, well, the rest of him wasn’t so bad either. The guy sat down on the grass near Evan’s feet, corralling the puppy between his legs as he clipped the leash onto his bright blue collar. “His name’s Max. You can pet him, if you want.”
“Hi, Max,” Evan said softly, leaning down to let the puppy sniff him. He’d never had a dog, but he’d always liked them. Max licked his fingers, and Evan tentatively moved his hand up to scratch behind the puppy’s ear. His forearm brushed Max’s owner’s leg hair, and he flushed, hoping the guy hadn’t noticed.
“I’m Chris, by the way,” he said, loosely winding the leash around his palm before leaning back and propping himself up on his hands.
“Evan.” He glanced up from the puppy, struggling to make conversation with a stranger. “What is he? I mean, um, what breed is Max?”
“I’m not sure. When I got him from the shelter a few weeks ago, they said he was a mutt. Definitely some pit bull in him, but definitely more than that. Could be some lab. I dunno.”
“I thought pits were kind of dangerous,” Evan said, still petting the squirming dog, who didn’t look remotely threatening.
“They can be.” Chris reached out and scratched right above Max’s wagging tail. “But so can poodles. Any dog can be dangerous if you mistreat it and train it wrong. Pits get a bad rap because they’re so strong. They do more damage than a poodle if you fuck it up, you know? But they’re total sweethearts if you treat them right.”
Evan smiled. He was pretty sure Max’s owner was treating him right. “He’s the happiest looking puppy I’ve ever seen,” Evan said.
Chris gave Evan a sweet smile. “I went to drop old towels off at the shelter because I heard they needed some. I didn’t plan to get a dog when I went in, but he was the last one left in his litter, and I kinda couldn’t resist him.”
“I don’t blame you,” Evan admitted. He glanced down to see the puppy rolling on its back, tongue lolling out of its mouth. “He’s adorable.”
“So are you.”
Evan glanced up, wide-eyed. “What?”
Chris shrugged, the shy gesture at odds with his wide, muscular shoulders. “Um, you are gay, right? I thought maybe you were from the way you looked at me earlier, but if not, this is going to be totally awkward.”
“No, you were right. I’m—I’m gay,” Evan admitted. It was still weird to say that aloud.
Chris’s smile looked relived. “So, yeah, like I said earlier, I think you’re cute. I noticed you when Max and I went by the first time. I didn’t mean to let him off the leash; I was trying to get it untangled, but when Max ran right over to you, I didn’t try to stop him. Figured it would be a good icebreaker.”
Blinking, Evan processed what Chris had said, only half-focused on the puppy now shoving at his legs and licking his hand. “You mean you wanted an excuse to talk to me?”
“Well, yeah. Why not? Like I said, you’re cute, and if Max likes you ... I figure he has pretty good taste.”
“Yeah, literally,” Evan said, holding up his slobber-covered hand. “I mean, I don’t know how good his taste is, but he definitely likes licking people.”
Chris laughed and scooped up the puppy, hugging it against his chest. “He clearly needs a lot of training still. Don’t you, you little pest?” he said, speaking directly to the puppy now.
Evan nodded at the first part of Chris’ statement, although he didn’t mind the puppy slobber too much. He was still trying to get his head around the fact that a guy—a gorgeous one—had wanted an excuse to talk to him.
“Do you come here a lot?” Chris asked. “I mean, to the park to read or whatever you were doing.”
“I haven’t in a while,” Evan admitted, wiping his slobbery hand on his shorts. “But it was a nice day, and I wanted to get outside. You?”
“Now that I have Max, I come here all the time.” The puppy wiggled in his arms, so Chris put him down again. “Crap, um, we’ve been out for a while, and I should probably get Max some water. I have it in my car. You wanna walk with me so we can keep talking?”
“Uhh, sure,” Evan agreed. He flipped the cover on his iPad closed and slipped it in his bag as he stood. Chris pulled his shirt out of where it had been tucked into the back of his black athletic shorts. He stared at the dog’s leash for a second, and Evan held out his hand. “Here, let me help.”
“Thanks.” Chris shot him a relieved smile, and his hand was warm when he gave him Max’s leash. Evan tried to focus on the puppy snapping its teeth on a piece of grass, but he couldn’t help but stare at the shirtless, muscular torso of the guy next to him. He felt weird and disloyal checking Chris out, but Jeremy had made it pretty damn clear things were over between them. What harm could it do? He was only looking, right?
Chris took the leash back and gestured toward the sidewalk. “I’m parked in the main lot by the botanical center.”
“Yeah, me too,” Evan said, and they fell into step, Max weaving ahead of them as he explored everything with his nose.
“So, what were you reading?”
“A sci-fi book.”
“Tell me about it,” Chris prompted.
Evan kept glancing at Chris out of the corner of his eye as he told him about the series. “It’s kinda cool. The main character is bisexual. I’ve never really read any sci-fi with characters who were anything but straight.”
“It sounds awesome. I love sci-fi. I just read this great one recently, but I can’t think of the name. No LGBT characters in it, but it’s pretty fantastic too.”
Halfway to the car, Max’s energy finally flagged, and without missing a beat, Chris scooped him up and cradled him against his chest. Evan was so wrapped up in the conversation with Chris he was surprised when they finally stopped by a small, dark blue SUV. Chris dug in his pocket for his keys and unlocked it, handing the leash to Evan. Their hands brushed again, and Chris paused for a second, a slow smile crossing his face. “Thanks, Evan.”
“Y-you’re welcome,” Evan stuttered.
Chris reached for a little dog bowl and set it on the ground, pouring some water into it. Max dove for it, making a snuffling noise as he began to lap it up. Evan laughed and looked up at Chris.
Their gazes met, and Evan wasn’t sure if it was the hot summer sun beating down on him or the way Chris was looking at him that made him sweat. Chris licked his lips, and for a weird, dizzying second he thought Chris was going to kiss him. “Would you like to go to lunch with me?” he asked instead.
Evan blinked for a moment, momentarily surprised and confused. “Like on a date?”
“Yep.” Chris smiled at him. “Exactly.”
Evan hesitated again. He wasn’t even close to being over Jeremy yet. But this was what he’d wanted, right? To meet a nice guy who was actually interested in him. He wasn’t the kind of guy who felt comfortable at a club, and he hadn’t done anything with the dating profile he set up when he moved to Atlanta, so this was the kind of opportunity he should be jumping at. It felt weird to say yes, but when he looked up at Chris and saw the concerned frown spreading across his face, Evan answered hastily, “Yeah, I’d like that.”
Chris’ smile was almost blinding. “Awesome.”
After he and Chris made plans, Evan gave Max a goodbye pat and left the park with a smile on his face.
Holy shit, he had a date.
***
A little over an hour later, Evan sat under an umbrella on a rooftop patio at a Mexican restaurant, wondering if he’d made a huge mistake. He was early, and he couldn’t stop checking the time on his phone. He didn’t know why he was so nervous. Chris seemed to be a nice guy, but there was a weird little flutter of anxiety in his stomach that wouldn’t go away.
“Hey, Evan.” Chris dropped into the chair across the table from him. He’d changed from his running clothes into nice jeans and a button-down with the sleeves rolled up. He looked different out of athletic gear, still hot, but a little more approachable. “Hope I’m not late.”
Evan shook his head. “Nope, you’re fine.”
“Good, good.” Chris gave him as sheepish smile. “So, when I got here, I realized I didn’t know your last name. I wasn’t sure if you left it for the hostess, so I had to describe you to her to figure out where you were.”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” Evan said. “I didn’t think about that. It’s Harris. Evan Harris.”
Chris shrugged. “No big deal. When I said ‘the cute guy with the killer cheekbones’ she knew who I was talking about right away.”
Evan flushed. “Oh. Um, thanks.” No one had ever complimented his cheekbones before.
“I’m Chris McCallan, by the way. Since we never really formally introduced ourselves.” Chris gave him another smile and changed the subject. “Have you ever eaten here before?”
“Nope. I just moved to Atlanta about six months ago, so there are a lot of places I haven’t been to yet.”
“Oh, cool. Well, hopefully, you’ll like this place. It’s one of my favorites, and you said you liked Mexican food.”
“Yeah, definitely.” Evan looked down at his menu. “So, what’s good here?”
Figuring out what they wanted and placing their order took up some time, but once they had chips and salsa in front of them, the silence grew awkward.
“What do you do?” Chris asked. “Are you in school or do you work?”
Evan dunked a chip in the salsa. “I’m a funeral director.”
Chris cleared his throat. “Wow, that’s ... um, different. Do you enjoy it?”
“Yeah,” Evan said, thinking back to the first conversation he’d had with Jeremy about it. In the last few months, he felt like he’d really settled in. “I do. Someday, I’m thinking about getting into more of the grief counseling part of it, but I like what I do most days.”
“That’s cool.” Chris crunched down on a tortilla chip.
“What about you?”
“I’m an actuary for an insurance company.”
Evan stared blankly for a second. “I’m sorry, but I have no idea what that is.”
“Most people don’t. I figure out the rates for insurance policies based on statistics and averages. I consider the statistical side of an issue along with the real world application and figure out the potential impact for the business.” Chris let out a rueful laugh. “And I can see your eyes glazing over already. I get that a lot.”
“Yeah, sorry. I have to admit your job doesn’t sound like something I’d enjoy. But that’s cool that you do.” He was trying to be diplomatic, but to be honest, it sounded like torture to him. “Math was never my strong suit.”
Nodding, Chris gave him another one of those shy smiles. “I love it. I’m a total math geek. I find numbers completely fascinating.”
The thought made Evan smile. He liked that underneath the really hot, macho-looking exterior, lay a nerd. There was definitely more to Chris than met the eye. “Hey, not everyone gets my job either.”
Their gazes met, and Evan felt his skin prickle with heat at the frank, appraising look in Chris’ eyes. Excitement and nerves sizzled over him.
“Taco de pescado for you,” the waiter said in strongly accented English as he set a plate down in front of Evan. “And enchilada de pollo for you.” He set the second plate in front of Chris, and Evan felt a wash of relief at the interruption.
“Thank you,” he murmured and heard Chris do the same.
The arrival of their meal cut the tension, and Evan felt himself breathe more easily when they were occupied with food again.
“You said you moved to Atlanta recently, right?” Chris said, scooping some refried beans up from his plate of chicken enchiladas. “What made you decide to move here?”
Evan hesitated as he put a dollop of guacamole on his fish tacos. “I didn’t have much of a choice, really. My uncle found out I was gay and fired me. After that, my parents kicked me out of their house. I had some friends in Atlanta, and they helped me out when I got here.”
“I’m sorry. That’s rough.” Chris gave him a sympathetic frown. “I was really lucky. My parents were totally cool with it when I came out.”
“You are lucky.” Evan felt a pang of jealousy at the thought, and he glanced down at his plate. He couldn’t imagine what that would be like.
“My mom’s one of those PFLAG-joining, wave-rainbow-flags-at-the-Pride-parade kind of moms. It was embarrassing as hell when I was younger, but I’m really grateful for their support.”
Evan nodded. He’d been embarrassed by his parents too, but that was because his dad was a drunk who did nothing but gamble and yell at Evan, and his mom was a pushover who couldn’t stand up for herself. “You came out in high school?”
“Late middle school, actually. Not so much by choice, but I got caught kissing another guy on the soccer team, and there was no hiding it after that. I was kind of a jock, so I didn’t get picked on too much. Coulda’ been worse, you know?”
“Yeah.” Evan had known worse. Not that he’d been picked on, per se. No one at school ever noticed him one way or the other, but he’d lived in constant fear that his secret might come out. He would have been lucky to live through the beating he’d have gotten from other kids in Putnam, not to mention what his father would have done to him then.
Chris took a bite of his burrito, and after he set it down, he smiled at Evan. “Want to hear a funny story about the first day I had Max?”
Evan’s tense shoulders relaxed. “I’d love to.”
“I bought him a crate because it’s supposed to make puppies feel secure when you’re gone, or at night when you’re trying to sleep. I have a little laundry room in my apartment, and I put the crate in there and made it all cozy with a new bed and a blanket. He whined the whole night, and I was half-asleep when I went in to check on him at about three in the morning. I petted him for a while, and when I left, I put him back in his crate and shut the laundry room door. He was pretty quiet for the rest of the night, so I thought maybe that had solved the problem.” Chris flashed him a grin. “Boy, was I wrong. I got up in the morning and checked on him. I hadn’t latched the crate properly, and the whole room looked like it had exploded. He’d chewed up the dog bed, the blanket, and gotten into the basket of clean laundry I hadn’t put away yet. Chewed holes in my shirts and underwear and killed I don’t know how many socks.”
Laughing, Evan shook his head, imagining the chaos. “Oh, man, was he okay?”
“Him?” Chris’ blue eyes twinkled. “The damn puppy was asleep in the middle of all of it! He hadn’t actually eaten any of it, just tore it apart. I was the one who had to clean up after him!”
Evan laughed again. Talking about Max was a much easier topic than talking about coming out or Evan’s family, and by the time the waiter cleared their plates and Chris offered to pick up the bill, Evan was surprised to realize he’d had a nice time. He felt less awkward than he’d expected, and Chris seemed like a genuinely great guy.
But Evan couldn’t stop comparing him to Jeremy.
He didn’t get the weird, fluttery feeling of anticipation when he looked at Chris. He didn’t feel like he could spill his heart out to him the way he had with Jeremy.
There was nothing wrong with Chris, not at all, but he didn’t make Evan feel the way Jeremy had. Evan wondered if it was because Chris wasn’t the right guy for him, or if he simply needed more time to get over Jeremy. He wasn’t sure.
After lunch, they lingered at the table talking for a while, and when they finally left the restaurant, Chris walked with Evan to his car. They paused beside it, and Chris smiled at him. “I had fun today,” he said.
“Yeah, me too,” Evan agreed. As strange as he felt about the entire situation, he had enjoyed spending time with Chris.
“Would you like to go out again sometime?” Chris asked, and Evan hesitated for a second then nodded. He wasn’t going to feel any better sitting around and moping. He’d never gone on a date before. Maybe this was exactly what it was supposed to be like. How would he know any different? “Maybe dinner and a movie one night this week?”
“Yeah, that would be nice. Um, my work schedule can be all over the place, so I’ll have to take a look and let you know which evenings I have free.”
“Sure, just give me your number.”
They exchanged numbers, and Evan felt a weird lurch in his stomach as Chris slid his phone back in his pocket and leaned in a little. He tensed, wondering if Chris was planning to kiss him. A part of him was curious to know what it would be like to kiss someone other than Jeremy, but it seemed too soon. It made him feel all mixed up inside, and he let out a sigh of relief when Chris took half a step back, his brow furrowing then smoothing out again. “Call me or text, and I’ll see you later this week, okay?”
“Definitely,” Evan said. “I’m looking forward to it.”
He knew he was probably sending Chris really mixed messages, but he wasn’t sure how he felt about any of this. He liked Chris a lot, but he wasn’t Jeremy, and that was going to take some time to get used to.
As he drove to his apartment, he let out a sigh. Today, he’d made two new friends—if you counted Max—and gotten a date in the process. Maybe it wasn’t the magical reunion with Jeremy he still wanted, but it wasn’t all bad, either.
That was okay too.