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As Jeremy’s headache receded and the pain in his leg lessened, he realized the ache in his heart hadn’t budged. He missed Evan more than he ever would have expected to. In the years after his accident, he’d grown used to being alone, resigned himself to it. The brief time Evan had been in his life had shown him what it was like to have a friend again, and more than anything, he missed that.
Jeremy slogged through the days, putting one foot in front of the other and wondering why he bothered. He apologized to the regional manager for his no call no show at work, explained it was because of a migraine, listened to the lecture, and spent the remainder of the week sucking up to the man and working himself to exhaustion to prove he did value and appreciate the job he had.
But even exhaustion didn’t allow him to sleep well, and he felt sluggish and ancient as he tried to keep himself from getting dragged down by depression. His couch seemed too wide without Evan on the other end, his phone too silent, and his whole life one endless reminder that he’d let the one good thing in his life get away.
Every time he thought about Evan, it sent a shiver through him—a visceral, painful tingle that spread through his chest, tightening his throat, and making his eyes sting. He didn’t know missing someone could make him physically ache, but it did. And no matter how many hours and days passed, the feeling didn’t go away.
One evening while he was on his break at work, his phone rang. He felt a weird lurch in his stomach at the sight of Evan’s name on his screen, and he almost didn’t answer. Except, he hadn’t heard from Evan since he’d texted to make sure Jeremy was okay. He probably wouldn’t call unless it was something important, right?
“Hey.” His voice shook a little, and he had to clear his throat.
“Hey, Jeremy.” Evan’s voice was quiet, slightly hesitant. “I’m just calling to check in with you about the wedding.”
“Shit.” Jeremy had completely forgotten Stephen and Russ’ wedding was coming up. At the time he’d sent in his RSVP, he and Evan had planned to drive together. Right now, he couldn’t face the thought of being at his ex’s wedding with Evan. “Look, I don’t think I’m going to be able to make it.”
“What?”
“Yeah, something came up at work,” he lied. He didn’t like lying to Evan, but how could he tell him that being trapped in a car with him for four hours while they drove to South Carolina sounded like torture at the moment?
Evan sighed. “Are you sure that’s it? Because I hate the thought of you not going because things got weird between us.”
He had to clear his throat again. “Yeah, yeah, it’s just work stuff. I’m sure Stephen will understand.”
“’Cause if it’s just that you don’t want to ride with me, maybe someone else can take you,” Evan offered, but that only made Jeremy feel worse about the fact that he couldn’t go by himself.
He was a thirty-six-year-old man and couldn’t drive. How pathetic. “Just drop it, Evan,” he snapped. “I—”
“Shit, I have to go.” Evan cut him off. “Chris is here way earlier than I expected.”
Jeremy froze. “Wait, who’s Chris?”
“Um, he’s ... well, he’s a guy I’mgoingonadatewith.”
The words ran together, but Jeremy heard them clearly and distinctly. They seemed to hang in the air, and for a second, Jeremy couldn’t think of a single thing to say in response. He knew at some point Evan would find someone, but it stung that it had happened so quickly. His voice came out gruff. “Go, have fun. And don’t worry about the wedding, okay? No one will really miss me if I’m not there anyway.”
He ended the call before Evan could respond. He put his head in his hands and closed his eyes, overwhelmed by the ache in his chest. Evan had already moved on. Jeremy knew it would happen; it was just a matter of time. It’s what he wanted, right? He should be happy for Evan.
So why did it hurt so much?
Scenarios whirled through his head as he pictured Evan with someone else. He could see the man brush Evan’s hair out of his eyes and lean in for a kiss, pull him close, make love to him. It played out before his eyes, every single thing Jeremy had ever dreamed of doing with Evan, but now, another man was in his place.
He let out a strangled gasp and ground his palms into his eyes until flashes of light sparkled behind his closed lids.
What have I done? he wondered.