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Evan stared at the phone in his hand, feeling slightly sick. He hadn’t meant to blurt out that he had a date, but he was flustered by the fact he was talking to Jeremy again. When Chris showed up early, the words tumbled out of his mouth before he could stop it.
He heard a knock again and bolted off the bed, kicking his discarded clothes under it before he made a beeline for the door and yanked it open. “Sorry, I was on the phone,” he said. His hands fluttered nervously, smoothing his hair down and tugging at his shirt to straighten it.
Chris gave him a wide smile and shrugged. “No big deal. I wasn’t sure how bad traffic was going to be or how long it would take to park. After I knocked, I realized how early I am. I can hang out for a while if you’re not ready to leave.”
“No, I’m good. I’ll call—” he hesitated over the word “—my friend tomorrow. We were just figuring out plans for a trip we were supposed to go on.” He stuffed his phone in his pocket and grabbed his keys and wallet off the table by the door.
“Oh, cool. Where are you going?”
Chris was either oblivious to his weird mood or was ignoring it to be polite because he coaxed Evan into a conversation about Russ and Stephen’s wedding and the trip to Hilton Head. Evan was vague about Jeremy—it felt weird to talk about the guy he was still hung up on with the one who was taking him on a date—but the conversation carried them through until they reached the restaurant. During dinner, Chris told stories about the backpacking he did during summer breaks in college.
After dinner, Chris drove to the theater, and Evan’s mind kept wandering to Jeremy, wondering what he thought about him going on a date. Did he care? Or was he relieved that Evan was no longer pestering him for attention?
The thought depressed him, and Evan was glad when they arrived at the theater and the lights dimmed. He needed a break from making conversation. But in the darkened theater, Evan became hyper-aware of every movement Chris made. Their knees and elbows brushed, and several times, Evan thought Chris was going to put his arm around him or grab his hand. He tried to relax and focus on the movie, but wondering what Chris would do put him on edge.
The worst part was Evan knew if it had been Jeremy, he would have jumped at the chance, would have been thrilled by the contact. But Chris wasn’t Jeremy. Chris actually wanted to be with him, and Jeremy had cut him out of his life completely. He wasn’t even going to go to Russ and Stephen’s wedding now. Evan felt strangely disappointed and guilty. Sure, it would have been awkward going together, but he was afraid Jeremy was missing it because of him, and that left him with a terrible feeling in the pit of his stomach.
By the time the credits rolled, Evan could barely remember what the movie had been about. He made vague noises of agreement as they walked into the parking garage and Chris discussed the movie Evan had barely paid attention to, pretending as if he knew what he was talking about.
“This was fun,” Evan said once Chris finished, only half-lying, because it would have been fun if his head hadn’t been full of Jeremy. “I haven’t been to the movies since I moved to Atlanta.”
“Really?” Chris looked at him in surprise.
Evan shrugged. “I’m kind of a loner, honestly. I haven’t really made very many friends here, and I feel weird going out on my own. This was really nice.” He meant it. As mixed up as he felt about Jeremy, he liked Chris a lot. But did he want to date Chris? That was the question he still hadn’t answered.
“I’m glad you had fun. I had a great time with you too.”
They paused beside Chris’ SUV, and he glanced around before smiling at Evan, his head tilting a little as he leaned in. The tension ramped up in Evan’s stomach, and he was sure Chris would kiss him. And why not? Wasn’t that the best way for him to figure out what he wanted?
Chris closed the distance, brushing their lips together, and Evan’s eyes fluttered shut. Chris’ mouth was warm and soft, and the kiss made a little shiver run up Evan’s spine. He touched Chris’ shoulder and gasped when Chris gently squeezed his hip. The kiss deepened as Chris’ tongue gently parted Evan’s lips, and it felt good, but weird too, because it wasn’t Jeremy.
Evan’s heart sank at the thought. He kissed Chris a little harder, wanting to forget about Jeremy, wanting to stop comparing one guy to the other. But he couldn’t help but wonder if it was the kiss or the guy or everything going on in his head that made it not as good as the times he’d kissed Jeremy.
He let out a little sigh of disappointment, and Chris pulled back, giving him a puzzled smile. “Everything okay? Did I cross the line or something?”
Evan hesitated, trying to sort through his thoughts before he shook his head. “No. Um, you didn’t cross a line, but I have a lot going on right now. I mean, I ...” He didn’t know how to explain it. “There’s someone ...” He stopped again, unsure how to explain the situation with Jeremy.
“A guy you have feelings for?” Chris asked, his hand dropping from Evan’s hip.
Nodding, Evan sighed again, feeling awful. “Yeah.”
Chris gave an understanding nod back. “Gotcha. Well, I was gonna ask you out again but maybe not, huh?”
“That’s probably a good idea,” Evan admitted, the guilt multiplying. “I like you, but things are weird right now. You seem like a great guy, and I’ve had fun hanging out, but I’m definitely not over the other guy, and it doesn’t seem fair to you. I don’t ... I don’t want to be with you just for the sake of being with someone, you know?”
Maybe someday, a guy like Chris would be perfect for him, but it wasn’t possible while his head was still all messed up about Jeremy.
“Sure, I respect that.” Chris looked more resigned than upset as he opened the SUV door and got in, and Evan hoped he wasn’t hurt. Chris was a nice guy. He went around the other side of the vehicle and got in, wondering how awkward the drive home would be.
“I’m so sorry,” Evan said as he buckled his seatbelt.
“Nah, it’s okay. I get it.” Chris shrugged. “I had fun though.”
“Yeah, me too,” Evan admitted.
“Wanna hang out again anyway then?” Chris asked. “Just as friends. You could spend more time with Max.”
Evan gave him a half-hearted smile. “The last time a guy said he just wanted to be friends, he kinda broke my heart, and we ended up not friends. That’s who I’m trying to get over.”
Chris winced. “Ouch. Well, I’ve got some pretty complicated stuff going on in my life right now too, so I get where you’re coming from. I’m a pretty good listener, though, if you want someone to talk to ...”
Evan weighed his options. Was he going to turn down the possibility of a new friend who was willing to listen because it had gone badly last time? That seemed pretty stupid. He could use another friend, and he genuinely liked Chris. “Okay,” he agreed with a small smile as Chris started the SUV and backed out of the parking spot. “That sounds good.”
As Chris drove out of the parking garage, Evan got lost in his thoughts again. The date sure hadn’t gone as he’d expected, but it was nice to know it hadn’t been a total disaster. He’d managed to turn Chris down without pissing him off, and they’d stayed friends.
Maybe he wasn’t totally hopeless when it came to dating after all.
***
After Chris dropped him off at his place with a wave and smile, Evan texted Russ. He needed someone to talk to about what was going on with Jeremy and Chris. Russ replied a short while later and, when it became clear it was a conversation better done in person, he came over despite the late hour.
“So,” he said, dropping into one of the small, wooden chairs in Evan’s apartment. “What’s up? Your texts were kinda confusing.”
Evan gave him a sheepish smile. “Sorry. Yeah, I’m not sure it makes any more sense in my head either.”
Russ grinned back, sprawling in the too-small chair. He always looked so comfortable with himself, at ease in his jeans and snug black T-shirt. “So you and Jeremy were ...”
Sighing, Evan shrugged. “I don’t know what we were doing. We’d been hanging out as friends lately, then my mom called.” He described the phone call from his mom, and Russ nodded as he listened. “I felt really shitty after, so Jeremy gave me a hug, and we ended up in bed and ...”
“Comfort sex happened?” Russ suggested, and Evan shook his head.
“What? No. He—he held me while I fell asleep. It was nice.”
Russ’ smile was soft. “Yeah, of course. When I have a bad day, there’s nothing better than crawling into bed with Stephen.”
Evan felt relieved that Russ didn’t think he was lame or weird for needing that. “But when I woke up in the morning, and I couldn’t fall back to sleep. I realized how much I wanted to be in a relationship with Jeremy. Since he can’t ... or won’t give me that, I figured I should move on. So I went home, and the next day, I called him to see if he’d take me to a club. I thought it would be good if I met someone else, but I didn’t want to go alone.” He flushed. “I probably should’ve asked you instead, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.”
“Right. I knew you guys were going to the club together. How did my suggestion for clothes go?”
“Great. I mean, Jeremy seemed to like how I looked, and he helped me with my hair. The night was weird but kind of good. I had a couple guys hit on me, which was nice but strange because I couldn’t stop thinking about Jeremy.” Evan clamped his lips together, realizing he was rambling. “Anyway, at some point, we kissed and came back here and ...” Evan’s throat tightened, remembering the pain of Jeremy walking out.
“So what happened exactly, when you guys came back here? Please don’t tell me he pulled a fuck and duck on you?” Russ scowled, crossing his arms over his chest.
Evan blinked. “Um, no. We, uhh, fooled around some, then fell asleep. In the middle of the night, I—I started touching his chest. He has scars on his abdomen. I’d never seen them, but he had his shirt off, and I accidentally touched one, and he freaked out—shoved me away. I think he hurt himself somehow when he was trying to get away because he seemed like he was in a lot of pain. He’s really sensitive about his injuries. Really freaked out about me seeing the scars, and I can’t seem to convince him that I. Don’t. Care. I really don’t. I think he’s hot as hell, and when he’s not trying to push me away, we’re so good together.”
Tears hovered behind Evan’s eyelids, and he had to clamp them closed and take a deep breath before he could continue. “The worst part is, you were right. We’re not even friends now. He walked out, and there’s nothing I can do about it.” His voice dropped to a whisper. “I miss him so much.”
Russ sighed heavily as he rubbed his chin. “Shit, Evan, that sucks. I wish I had some better advice for you, but all I can say is it’ll get easier with time. Maybe Stephen could help. He knows Jeremy better than anyone.”
“No!” Evan protested. “No, please don’t get Stephen involved. I’m embarrassed enough.”
“Obviously, Stephen knows I’m here, but I promise I won’t say anything to him about what we talked about if you don’t want me to. You have nothing to be embarrassed about though. You and Jeremy tried to make something work, and it sounds like he has some stuff going on that’s getting in the way. If you want my advice—”
“That’s why I called you,” Evan interrupted.
“Then I suggest you give Jeremy some space. Maybe he’ll come around. And if he doesn’t, maybe you should think about moving on.”
“I tried,” Evan said, feeling miserable. “I met this guy in the park, and he was really nice and totally perfect, and we went out a couple times, and I just ... couldn’t do it. He’s great, but he’s not Jeremy.”
Russ’s smile was sympathetic. “I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, me too.” Evan dragged his sock-covered foot against the floor, making patterns in the off-white carpet as he ruffled the fibers. “So the guy from the park, Chris, asked if I wanted to be friends.”
“Do you?”
“I think so.” Evan shrugged. “I need friends. I know that. I’m just scared of ending up in the same situation I was in with Jeremy.”
“Do you think you could ever have feelings for Chris like you do for Jeremy?”
Evan thought for a moment, then shook his head. “No, I don’t think Chris could ever understand me the way Jeremy does. Jeremy’s been through so much, and he gets me. All the stuff with my parents and everything. There are a lot of really amazing things about Jeremy, but that’s what I like the most. I’m not sure Chris would ever really understand me that way.”
Russ nodded. “Then I think you have your answer. Give it some time, Evan, and when you’re ready, I’m sure you’ll find a guy who can give you what you need.”
Evan nodded, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that he already had found him. Too bad he hadn’t been able to give Jeremy whatever it was he needed.