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Evan’s stomach roiled with nerves as he pulled up to Jeremy’s apartment complex. A little over three weeks had passed since Jeremy left him standing in his doorway, stunned and miserable. Other than the one phone call and some texts to coordinate the trip to Hilton Head for Russ and Stephen’s wedding, they hadn’t spoken much.
Truthfully, Evan was surprised Jeremy decided to go at all. He had no idea why Jeremy backed out, then changed his mind at the last minute. Evan didn’t know how to feel about Jeremy’s change of heart, but he was glad Jeremy wasn’t going to miss the wedding simply because he had to ride with Evan.
He was terrified about how awkward it would be though. What would they say to each other? Nerves fluttered like massive butterflies in his stomach, and it took a while to talk himself into getting out of the car and knocking on the door. When Jeremy answered a moment later, they stared at each other. Evan’s tongue felt thick, unsure what to say. Jeremy looked so good, and all Evan wanted to do was throw himself into Jeremy’s arms and never let go.
He watched Jeremy swallow, watched the bob of his Adam’s apple in his throat, and when he glanced up, he realized Jeremy’s hazel eyes had never left Evan’s face. “Thanks for coming.” Jeremy finally said, his voice hoarser than usual. “I—I appreciate this.”
“I didn’t think it was fair for you to miss Russ and Stephen’s wedding because things got weird between us.”
“Russ came and talked some sense into me. I want to dislike the guy but he makes it pretty difficult,” Jeremy said, reaching for the suitcase that rested on the floor near the door. Evan smiled faintly and stepped back as Jeremy walked out the door, pulling it shut behind him.
“Yeah, Russ is a good guy. He’s sort of pissed at you, so sorry. I didn’t mean to make things more awkward but ...” He didn’t know how to explain that he’d needed to vent to someone about what had happened with Jeremy.
Jeremy shrugged and followed as Evan walked toward his car. “Hey, Russ is your friend first, and honestly, this whole thing is a little weird, you know?”
Evan laughed, and for the first time in weeks, he relaxed. “Yeah, no kidding.”
They stashed Jeremy’s suitcase in the trunk next to Evan’s and got in the car. It hadn’t been too bad outside, but in the enclosed area, he was more aware of how much space Jeremy took up, his scent, and the way being near him still made Evan’s heart race. His hand shook as he put the key in the ignition and started the car.
So much for all of the work he’d done in the last few weeks trying to convince himself he’d be able to get over Jeremy. Going on a couple dates with Chris hadn’t changed his feelings at all. As he backed out of the spot, Evan sighed and braced himself for a long, uncomfortable ride to South Carolina.
***
Jeremy fidgeted in his seat as they pulled onto I-75, heading south. It wasn’t Evan’s driving that made him anxious but thoughts of the mysterious Chris. Had they gone on more dates? Had Evan wanted to bring Chris to the wedding but worried it would make things uncomfortable with Jeremy there? Ugh, he had too many questions and no idea how to bring the subject up. Or any other subject, for that matter. He’d never been good at small talk.
The miles disappeared under the tires as Jeremy stared out the side window, drumming his fingers on his knee and wracking his brain for conversation topics. He hated that it felt awkward with Evan now. It never had before.
“This is the first time I’ve left Georgia since my accident,” Jeremy blurted out when they were about twenty minutes outside of Atlanta’s sprawl. He had no idea what else to say. That morning, Jeremy had been sure his plan to win Evan back would work. Too bad the minute he opened the door and saw Evan, it all went flying out the window, and he couldn’t think of a single thing he was going to do or say. Jeremy was an idiot when it came to relationships, but even he knew screaming, “Are you dating this Chris guy?” wasn’t the best approach.
Evan glanced at him out of the corner of his eye. “I’ve never been outside of Georgia.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. My parents certainly didn’t take me on vacations, and it’s not like I’ve been anywhere since I moved to Atlanta in February.”
“South Carolina’s nice. I went a couple of times when I was growing up. I like the beach.”
“I’ve never seen the ocean before.”
Jeremy shifted in his seat so he could look at him. Evan wore sunglasses so Jeremy couldn’t see his eyes, but he could see the sunlight glinting off the hair on his arms and the long fingers that had a relaxed, confident grasp on the steering wheel.
“You’re going to love it.” He looked at Evan’s skin, so pale Jeremy could see the blueish-green veins on the inside of his wrist. “Hopefully, you brought sunscreen though. You’ll burn in a hot minute.”
Evan gave him a fleeting smile before looking back at the road. “I bet you don’t.”
“Nah, I tan.” He looked down at his own arms, the color dark from his frequent swims. “It’ll be nice to get some fresh air, and Hilton Head’s gorgeous. Pricy, but gorgeous.”
“Yeah, I can’t believe Russ and Stephen are paying for all of this.” Evan frowned. “I felt weird agreeing to go, but I guess they’re paying for everyone.”
“You think you felt weird?” Jeremy snorted. It had taken some serious arm-twisting from Stephen to get him to agree when he’d initially been invited.
“True.” Evan was silent a moment, the only noise the hum of the tires on the road. “Is the fact that it’s your ex’s wedding or the money that’s making you uncomfortable?”
“Both.” Jeremy shifted again so he was staring out the windshield. “I don’t know. I’m happy for Stephen, and there’s no question in my mind Russ is the right guy for him, but it’s still a strange situation.” He cleared his throat. “I’m sure it’ll be odd to watch him say his vows to Russ, but at the same time, I want him to have that.”
“At first, I kind of had a crush on Russ,” Evan said, sounding like he was admitting a deep, dark secret.
Jeremy chuckled, unsurprised. “Can’t say I blame you. He’s hot.” Jeremy wondered what Chris looked like. Before the accident, Jeremy would have been cocky enough to believe he was better than any guy he considered competition. But how could he compete with a guy who was undoubtedly able-bodied and probably had nothing but a few childhood scars? His stellar personality? Jeremy almost snorted. I have so little to offer Evan, he thought, before he remembered Dr. Fuller telling him to stop every time he had a negative self-thought and reframe it into something more constructive. He’d even made a list of positive attributes about himself, although he didn’t think “I have a great smile” amounted to much.
He was working on it.
Evan continued. “And Stephen intimidated the crap out of me.”
“Stephen?” Surprise pulled Jeremy out of his negative thoughts.
“Oh, come on, he’s all ... successful and handsome. Confident. Everything I wasn’t when I first came to Atlanta.”
“Wasn’t? It’s nice to hear you’re talking in past tense, Evan.”
Evan’s cheeks flushed a little. “I only meant ...”
“No, you should be confident. You started totally from scratch, got a great job, a nice little apartment ... that’s success.” He meant it. He wasn’t just trying to flatter Evan. Starting over was hard work. He knew that better than anyone.
A thought occurred to him: maybe that’s part of what he had to offer Evan. He understood what Evan had been through better than most. From the beginning, the loneliness in him had recognized the loneliness in Evan. Could Chris say that? Could he give Evan what he needed?
No more second-guessing himself, damnit. He was the right guy for Evan. He knew he was. He just had to trust that and figure out how to show Evan.
“I—I guess it is.” Evan sounded surprised.
“And at the risk of making things even more awkward than they already are, I hope you know by now that you’re hot too. Totally different than Stephen, of course, but no less attractive.”
“I’m working on it.” Evan frowned. “I never understood how you could’ve been with a guy like Stephen and still found me even remotely appealing though. I’m not saying I’m the worst looking guy ever, but I’m hardly in Stephen’s league.”
Jeremy chuckled, stretching his left leg a little. “What can I say? I don’t have a type, I guess. There’s a pretty broad range of guys who turn me on, but there are only a few I actually want to take the time to get to know. You and Stephen were two of the latter.”
Two of a very few, actually. But was it the same for Evan? Was he selective about who he let in? Or had Jeremy’s appeal to Evan only been because he was the first guy to pay attention to him? Had that changed now that Chris was in the picture? Jeremy hated that he had no idea where he stood. Where they stood.
“I guess I should be flattered then.”
Evan didn’t sound flattered though. There was an edge to his voice that worried Jeremy.
“Can we talk about what happened?” Jeremy asked, hopeful they could clear the air before they got to Hilton Head so they could enjoy a nice weekend together. It was the perfect opportunity to show Evan he was going to fight for him, but until they cleared the air about what had happened that night, they weren’t going to get anywhere.
Evan’s tone was firm. “I’d rather not. Let’s ... forget about it for right now. I think it’ll be easier for everyone. We can hang out this weekend, and once we’re back in Atlanta, we can talk about it if you really want to.”
Jeremy scowled, feeling uneasy. He didn’t like Evan’s plan at all. It made him wonder again if Evan would rather have Chris here. But if Evan didn’t want to talk, what could Jeremy do? Maybe after a weekend together, Evan would see Jeremy had realized what a mistake he made. If Jeremy could remind Evan how good they were together, maybe he would forgive Jeremy for being an idiot.
So what if he had to wait until they were back in Atlanta? As much as he wanted to fix things with Evan immediately, waiting wasn’t the worst thing ever. Better than Evan never speaking to him again. “If that’s what you want,” he said softly.
“Yeah, it is.”
***
An hour and a half into the drive, Jeremy asked Evan if he could find a place to pull over. “I need to stretch my leg.”
Evan grimaced. “Sorry, I didn’t think of that.”
“It’s fine.” He was in pain though. His hip felt tight and achy and his thigh was beginning to hurt.
Evan took the nearest exit and pulled into a gas station. “I might as well buy gas while I’m here.”
“Can I pay? It’s the least I can do since you let me bum a ride.”
With one hand on the door, Evan froze. “Uhh, I guess. Although, I would have had to pay for the gas either way.”
“How about this? I’ll cover gas on the way there, and you can get it on the way back.”
“Sure.”
They both got out of the vehicle, and Jeremy swiped his credit card at the pump and walked off the stiffness in his leg while Evan filled the tank. It was a hot September day, the grass dry and brown despite the humidity in the air. The minor exertion made Jeremy’s shirt stick to his back but the movement helped. He stretched a little, easing the kinks in his back, hips, and legs, not caring if he looked ridiculous. As vain as he’d been before, the accident had rearranged some of his priorities. Judgmental looks beat out excruciating pain every time. Sometimes, he wondered how much pain he’d be in as he aged. Would he even be able to walk when he was seventy?
And would he want to live another thirty-five years as he had been? Resigned to a mediocre, lonely life. What was the point of even being alive if he had no one to share it with? He glanced over at Evan as he twisted his upper back to the side and found Evan watching him. All those years of loneliness, and he would never have expected a kid like Evan would pull him out of the gray dreariness he’d been so stuck in. Who better than someone who’d lived that gray dreariness too, though? Maybe not for as long as Jeremy had dealt with it, but Evan had been emotionally bruised and battered by life too.
What Jeremy wanted more than anything else was someone to lean on when life got rough. Someone to weather life’s storms with. Someone to protect and shelter who would protect and shelter him too. Slight as Evan was, he was stronger than he looked, emotionally and physically, and maybe if Jeremy could fix what he fucked up, he could have that with Evan.
Jeremy twisted to the other side and closed his eyes, letting the hot sun bake out his aches and pains as he considered what his next move was. He’d made it through the hellish time in rehab. He could convince Evan to give him another chance.
“Why do I think winning Evan over is going to be the more difficult of the two challenges?” he muttered under his breath.
By the time Jeremy was done stretching, Evan had finished pumping gas and pulled up along the grassy area where Jeremy stood. He pulled open the door and carefully settled into the passenger seat before buckling the seat belt.
“Better?” Evan asked, pulling away from the curb.
“Much. After sitting for a while, I know I need to stretch. I have to respect my limits.”
Jeremy saw Evan wince. “I’m sorry I didn’t.”
“Didn’t what?”
“Didn’t respect your limits.” Evan turned onto the road that would take them back to the highway. “The, uh ... night we went back to my place after the club.”
“Oh.” Jeremy blew out a breath. “I thought you didn’t want to talk about it.”
“I don’t, not really. But I do feel bad.”
“I don’t want you to feel bad, Evan,” he said. He reached for the controls, turning the air conditioner up to full blast. Was he hot and sweaty from being out in the sun or because he was uncomfortable with the conversation? Probably both. “I overreacted. Massively. Nothing that happened was your fault.”
Evan was silent as he navigated the on-ramp to the highway. On a Friday at mid-morning, traffic wasn’t horrible, but they weren’t far from Macon so it was beginning to pick up again. Jeremy had expected to feel slightly uncomfortable in Evan’s car, but so far, there had been none of the anxiety he expected. Apparently, he trusted Evan more than he realized. But if he trusted him to drive, why hadn’t he trusted Evan not to run when he saw his scars?
Jeremy was so lost in thought he was surprised when Evan spoke. “I should have seen it coming. I mean, I knew you didn’t like the idea of me seeing your scars, and I shouldn’t have touched them.”
Jeremy remembered the flash of terror and anxiety that had swept over him when Evan traced along Jeremy’s scars with slender fingers. He’d reacted—overreacted—so quickly he hadn’t had time to realize Evan’s touch had been soft, caressing. He’d only been doing it because he wanted to be closer to Jeremy. “You don’t need to apologize, Evan. You didn’t do anything wrong.” He took a deep breath. “In the past, the only people I’ve let touch them or see them were doctors or nurses. Physical therapists. I haven’t let anyone but you get close to me. I thought I’d be okay, but as it turns out, I have more issues with my scars than I realized. I’m—I’m trying to work on them though.”
“That’s good,” Evan said.
Jeremy wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans. “Normally, I wear a sleeveless wetsuit when I swim, but recently, I bought a pair of compression tights—the stuff swimmers wear after races—and wore just those so the scars on my torso are visible. Baby steps, right?” Jeremy’s laugh was uncomfortable, even to his own ears.
“How’d it go?”
“Uhh, it wasn’t easy, but I managed.” He’d gone through with it despite the panic, so he considered it progress. Dr. Fuller had been proud of him.
“That’s good.” Evan was silent for a moment. “Did anyone say anything?”
“No.” Jeremy snorted. “This one woman kinda stared, but I went through with it anyway.”
“Maybe she wasn’t staring at the scars,” Evan said. “You happen to look pretty good without a shirt on, you know.”
Surprised by the compliment, it took Jeremy a second to respond. “I ... You think so?”
“Yeah, Jeremy, I’m pretty sure if you were wearing tight swim pants, all wet and half-naked, she didn’t give a shit about your scars.” Evan sounded exasperated. Maybe jealous. Or was that part wishful thinking? “Anyway, I think it’s great you put yourself out there. Maybe the next time you meet someone, it won’t get in the way.”
The words stopped any hope Jeremy had dead in its tracks. For a moment, he felt nothing but soul-crushing disappointment. He took a few deep breaths and closed his eyes for a moment as the frustration and regret spiraled out of control. He could almost hear Dr. Fuller’s voice in his head, coaxing him to take deep breaths and snap out of it.
Jeremy wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans and sternly reminded himself he wasn’t going to win Evan over in twenty minutes or two hours. Maybe not even two days or two weeks. But he’d spent years clawing his way back from being half-dead. And he wanted Evan more than he’d wanted a normal life right then.
“I never want to let my scars get in the way of being with someone I care about,” he said firmly.
Evan glanced at him out of the corner of his eye, a small frown furrowing his brow. “Good. I’m—I’m happy for you, Jeremy.”
“I’m tired of letting what happened to me fifteen years ago screw up the rest of my life,” Jeremy admitted, closing his eyes again as he leaned his head back against the seat.
Evan didn’t answer, but Jeremy felt the soft brush of something—maybe Evan’s arm—against his.