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Monty had just finished telling a story about turning away a guy who tried to use an I.D. that belonged to one of the bartenders at the club where he worked when the music went silent. Evan looked up as the bandleader asked everyone to take seats at one of the small round tables scattered around the deck. They were topped with white tablecloths, simple white flower arrangements, a few candles, and an array of plates and silverware.
He looked for Jeremy, who was staring at him with an intense expression. His tie was loose, and he looked as though he’d been running a hand through his hair. Evan excused himself and walked over. “You okay?” he asked.
“Yeah, I’m good. Wanna find a table?” Jeremy asked.
There were no seating assignments, so they snagged the nearest unoccupied one. The second they were seated at the table, Jeremy ripped his tie off, stuffing it in his pocket and loosening the top button of his shirt. Evan chuckled. “Couldn’t last another second?”
“No. It was driving me nuts.”
When Evan opened the door of his hotel room earlier, his stomach had flipped at the sight of Jeremy standing on the other side. He’d looked amazing. Better than amazing.
Now he looked even better with the tie off and his shirt unbuttoned a little, slightly rumpled and casual. It would make Evan look like a slob, but Jeremy pulled it off.
An hour before, he’d been clean-shaven and now had a five o’clock shadow. By the end of the reception, he’d have full stubble, and Evan tried not to think about how that felt against his chin and jaw. He’d felt off-kilter since the ceremony.
He’d come here thinking it would be the first step in getting over Jeremy, but now he was beginning to have doubts. After the last few days, he was starting to believe Jeremy had changed his mind. But he didn’t know if Jeremy could give him what he was asking for. Or if he could trust Jeremy to not pull away again.
Evan glanced over to see Jeremy scowling at the menu.
“Great, more seafood.”
Evan chuckled. “I could eat it for every meal.”
“I think you have eaten it for every meal except breakfast since we’ve been here,” Jeremy teased.
Relaxing, Evan shrugged. “I like it.”
Jeremy made a face. “Not a fan.”
“There’s beef,” Evan pointed out.
“That’s the only reason I’m not staging a protest.”
Addie, Joseph, Monty, and Emily joined them, and Evan was distracted by conversation as they ate their salads. He was only half-aware of Jeremy, who seemed unusually quiet.
Stephen stood and cleared his throat. “I’ll keep it brief, but I’d like to make a toast. I want to thank all of you for joining us here. In one way or another, all of you have played a part in getting Russ and me to this point, and I’d like to express my appreciation for your support. It means the world to both of us, and we want you to know how grateful we are that you could be here.”
“Hey, you’re the one paying,” Monty called out, and Stephen laughed, shaking his head.
“Either way, we’re glad to have you here. So on behalf of myself and my new husband—” Stephen glanced down at his ring finger at the same time Russ’ face lit up with a grin—“we’d like to thank you for being here to celebrate with us.” Stephen lifted his champagne flute, and so did everyone else. “To you.” Stephen took a sip of the sparkling wine, and Evan followed suit.
To Evan’s surprise, so did Jeremy. “You’re drinking?”
He shrugged. “I haven’t had to take any pain meds today, and I figure this is a once-in-a-lifetime thing. Something worth celebrating.”
Evan nodded. “Yeah, I’m really happy for them.” He glanced over to see Russ and Stephen kissing.
“Me too,” Jeremy said, and Evan was glad to hear the sincerity in his voice.
Russ made a speech too, as did Alan. His made everyone’s eyes water, and Evan had a sudden fierce wish that he’d had a father like Russ’. Thankfully, the entrees arrived before he could feel too sorry for himself.
After dinner, Russ and Stephen cut a square, two-layer cake and fed it to each other. The happiness coming from both of them was almost overwhelming, and when he felt Jeremy’s arm land on the back of his chair, he leaned in, swept up in the emotion of the day. He watched as Russ and Stephen had their first dance together, vaguely amazed by the sight in front of him. During the years he’d lived in Putnam, Evan never imagined something like this existed, much less that he’d be a part of it.
A few other couples joined them once the first dance was over, and Evan ate his slice of brown sugar bourbon cake and tried not to feel sad he wasn’t going to be dancing.
Jeremy leaned close, his lips almost brushing Evan’s ear. “Want to dance?”
“What? Really?” Evan turned to look at him. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah, my leg can handle a slow dance with you.” Jeremy flashed him a grin that made Evan a little weak in the knees. Evan was concerned about Jeremy’s leg, but now that he mentioned it ... “C’mon, kid. Please?” Jeremy stood, held out his hand—palm up—and Evan took it, feeling a little stunned and extremely confused.
“Yeah, okay.” His stomach fluttered as he followed Jeremy toward the dance floor. Jeremy pulled him close so the front of their bodies were pressed close together. Jeremy led, and Evan didn’t mind because he’d never slow danced with anyone before. Jeremy seemed to know what he was doing though, and Evan felt a little dizzy as he looked at Jeremy’s hazel eyes. He would swear he saw something more in that gaze than he’d ever seen before. He had no idea what song was playing, or how long it played, as they moved in slow circles. His heart thumped too hard in his chest, confused and happy. Wanting more. Wanting to know what all the moments and glances and touches this weekend meant. But he couldn’t speak, especially not after Jeremy leaned in and pressed his forehead against Evan’s.
Evan closed his eyes and tried to savor every last second, afraid it was all he’d ever have of this perfect, perfect moment. When Jeremy tilted his head and pressed his lips to Evan’s, it was so right, so close to what Evan had been wanting, that he kissed Jeremy back.
But the funny, worried feeling in the pit of his stomach never quite went away, even as the kiss went from cautious, to familiar, to heated. When the music changed and they slowed to a stop, Jeremy’s lips did too, and he pressed his forehead to Evan’s again. Evan panted, struggling to understand what was happening, and he slowly pulled away. He stared at Jeremy for a long minute before he took a deep, shuddering breath, his head spinning with confusion.
“I—I’m gonna go take a walk for a minute.”
Evan fled, heading down the stairs to the beach before Jeremy could reply. He kicked off his shoes and buried his socks in them, looping his fingers in the back to carry them. He set out at a quick pace, heading closer to the waterline as he walked down the shore. The dry sand became wet, and he cursed and dropped his shoes, hastily rolling his pant cuffs and grabbing his shoes before he started out again, walking along the waterline. A wave washed over his feet, and he felt the sand erode, the water pulling the foundation out from under him. He walked until the beach club lights were small in the distance, and he stared up at the moon, which was almost—but not quite—full.
It hurt. He hurt. His heart and his brain and everything everywhere else hurt. He wanted to believe that when Jeremy held him, looked at him tenderly, it meant what he wanted it to, but what if he was wrong? Again.
What if Jeremy had been right when he said he was too fucked up for a relationship? Evan couldn’t fix Jeremy’s issues about his scars. Jeremy had to want to, and Evan wasn’t sure if he could put himself through hoping for that again. It hurt too much.
“Goddamn it, there you are!”
Evan jerked in surprise and turned around to see a man walking down the beach toward him. It was Jeremy, of course, and Evan couldn’t decide if he was grateful or angry to see him. Maybe both.
Jeremy stopped a few feet from him. “You took off so fast I had a hard time keeping up.”
“Did you ever think maybe it was for a reason? You’re confusing the hell out of me, Jeremy.” Even to Evan’s own ears, he sounded exhausted.
He was.
“I’m sorry,” Jeremy said with a sigh. “I am. I promised myself earlier I’d let things go until we got back to Atlanta, but goddamn it, I know I fucked up before, and I want to apologize. I want to fix this.”
“I’m not mad anymore, Jeremy.” Evan wasn’t angry, just tired and sad. “I can’t let you hurt me again though. I know you don’t mean to, but you’ve been pulling me forward with one hand and pushing me away with the other. It’s exhausting, and every time, I end up feeling like I did something wrong.”
“You didn’t, Evan. You did nothing wrong. I’m the one who has shit to work out, and I’m sorry I hurt you in the process. I want to be with you so much, but I’m ... I can’t get over being afraid I won’t be enough for you. I’m afraid you’ll think you want to be with me, then realize you’re stuck with this crippled guy who’s a decade and a half older than you and resent the fact you threw away your chance to be young. I’m afraid of holding you back from all the things you came to Atlanta to explore.”
Evan stared at him for a moment. “How many times do I have to tell you I don’t care about that? The only thing I care about is you getting over this stupid idea I want to be ... someone other than who I am. Yeah, I wanted to come to Atlanta to explore new things and to figure out who I am. You know what I figured out? I’m not the clubbing guy or the—the random hook-up guy. I’m me. Kinda shy, a homebody. Someone who’d rather be hanging out on your couch watching some TV show than anything else. Yeah, I want to try new things. I want to see the ocean and have a picnic while I watch the sunrise; I want to slow dance and have sex. But I want to do them with someone I care about. Someone like you.” He shook his head and threw his shoes onto the dry sand a few feet away. “No, not someone like you. You. I want you, Jeremy.”
***
Jeremy swallowed hard and let Evan’s words sink in for a moment. He’d been afraid he’d ruined any chance he had with Evan, but maybe it wasn’t too late. There was still a lingering worry though. “I have to be sure. I know you said you ended things with this Chris guy, but are you sure you don’t want a chance to meet other guys, be a little crazy while you’re still young?”
Evan looked at him for a long moment before he shook his head. “That’s not me, Jeremy. That’s you.” He took a deep breath. “You wanted it, and I think a part of you resents that the accident took it away from you. You’re so hung up on making sure I don’t miss anything, but you don’t get it. I don’t want that. I never have. You’re the one who told me we couldn’t be together. You’re the one who told me to go find someone else. You don’t get to be jealous that I went out and did what you suggested.”
Now it was time for him to stare at Evan, reeling as he absorbed the words. They hit him with all of the devastating impact of the car accident. And they changed his world just as much. “You ... I ...” He struggled to find the words, to protest, tell Evan he was wrong. But he’d be lying. “Fuck.” He paced as he tried to find a way to reconcile the reality he’d been so convinced of and the new one Evan had shown him. He stopped a few feet away from Evan and blew out a heavy breath. “You should have been a fucking psychologist, not a funeral director.”
“I’ve thought about it.” Evan gave him a brief, wry smile before his expression grew serious. “Do you get what I’m saying though?”
Jeremy stuffed his hands in his pockets and nodded. “Yeah, and you’re right. I am jealous of Chris, which isn’t fair. And I do resent the way the accident changed my life. I resented Stephen for trying to push me into a relationship when I wasn’t ready for it. But I never meant to take my issues out on you. I shouldn’t have pushed you away like that.”
“I get that you think your scars somehow make you less attractive, but if you didn’t have them—if the accident had never happened—would you still want to be out at clubs picking up guys?”
Jeremy considered it. “I don’t know. I don’t know who I’d be if the accident hadn’t happened. It’s a part of who I am now.”
Evan’s smile was sad. “Then why do you hate yourself so much?”
They stared at each other in the dim light, Evan’s gaze steady. He looked much older than twenty-one. In some ways, Jeremy was pretty sure Evan was more mature than he was. It was as if he’d gotten stuck in his early twenties because of the accident and never really moved forward. “Christ, Evan, I am so sorry,” Jeremy said, his shoulders sagging.
Evan shrugged. “I hate hearing you put yourself down, but you don’t have to apologize to me for it.”
“No” —Jeremy stepped forward, closer to Evan— “I’m sorry I put my issues on you. And I’m sorry I pushed you away. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I almost let the best thing that’s ever happened to me slip through my fingers.”
Electricity seemed to crackle between them as Jeremy took another step closer so they were within kissing distance. He thought about his life without Evan in it—how depressingly lonely it had been—and he knew he never wanted to feel that way again. Opening up emotionally and trusting Evan wasn’t easy, but he had to try. “I missed you, kid.” His voice broke on the last word. “So much.”
“I missed you too, but—” Evan stepped back a little, the six inches feeling like a mile when they’d been so close after weeks of barely touching “—but I can’t keep doing this, Jeremy. You were right. We never have been just friends. And I care about you too much to pretend like that’s all I want.”
“Tell me exactly what you do want, then.”
“I want you to give a relationship with me a chance.”
Jeremy smiled, surprised by Evan’s directness, but elated to hear Evan still wanted him. He’d been wrong; Evan hadn’t given up on him yet. It turned out Jeremy had been wrong about a lot, actually. For years, he’d thought relationships weren’t for him, but he wasn’t the guy he’d been fifteen years ago. Hell, he wasn’t the guy he’d been before he met Evan. Or before he nearly lost him.
Evan sighed. “If you need some time to think about it—”
“No!” The vehemence in Jeremy’s voice surprised them both, and Evan jerked back. Jeremy reached out, gently wrapping a hand around Evan’s forearm, his voice softening. “I don’t need time. I know I don’t want to lose you.”
“I don’t want to lose you either.” Evan shook his head. “Working at a funeral home ... I see so much. It doesn’t make any sense why one person dies and everyone else gets left behind. You nearly died, Jeremy. You should understand better than anyone. Life is fragile and weird and confusing, and the only thing I know that makes any sense at all is to hold on to what matters. You matter to me, so much. I can’t imagine my life without you, but I can’t keep doing this. If you can’t let go of whatever’s keeping us from being together, I have to move on. I don’t want to, but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life—however long that is—alone. I want to be with someone who wants me as much as I want them.” He took a deep breath. “I mean it, Jeremy. It’s all or nothing for me.”
Gently—so Evan could back away if he wanted—Jeremy tugged Evan toward him. Evan came easily, until he settled against Jeremy’s body and they were pressed together. “I didn’t like nothing. Nothing was lonely.” Evan nodded, and Jeremy took a deep breath. “So let’s try it all.”