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The drive back to Atlanta was much more relaxed than the one leaving there. With the tension between them gone, Evan felt light and happy as his car sped down I-16. They talked about everything under the sun: Russ and Stephen’s wedding, movies, places they wanted to go in the Atlanta area. He’d never seen Jeremy so relaxed, and it was difficult not to get distracted by his smile. Jeremy touched Evan’s thigh occasionally, the gesture easy and affectionate. He laughed a lot too, and Evan felt a warm glow in his chest. He could hardly believe that a few short days ago, they’d driven in the opposite direction, tense and awkward, while Evan did his best to convince himself to get over Jeremy.
“What made you change your mind?” he blurted out, interrupting Jeremy’s talk about wanting to take him to the zoo.
Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Jeremy turn to look at him. “About a relationship?”
“Yeah.”
Jeremy’s hand landed on his thigh, warm and reassuring as he gently squeezed. “I didn’t like my life without you, Evan.”
“I didn’t like it either,” he admitted.
“I’m sorry it took nearly losing you to make me realize how much I cared for you. I was trying to do what I thought was best for you though.”
Evan took his hand off the wheel to squeeze Jeremy’s hand briefly, then returned it. Jeremy had put a lot of trust in him, by allowing him to drive, and he didn’t want to make him anxious. “I know you were, but Jeremy, I ... I need you to let me decide that.”
“I know.” Jeremy sighed. “I was an asshole about things, and I’m working on it. I have weekly appointments with my psychiatrist scheduled. I saw him a few times before we even met because I was feeling depressed about my life. I kinda slacked off once we started hanging out because I felt better, but I know I have shit to work on. I started up again after our fight or whatever the hell you want to call it.”
Evan hesitated. “I don’t want you do it just for me though.”
“I’m not.” Jeremy’s reply came immediately. “I am doing it because I want to get my life together. Yeah, a good part of that is because I want to be the kind of guy you deserve, but it’s more than that. My life has been pretty shitty since I got out of rehab, and I want it to change. Like I said last night, I don’t think it’s going to be easy, but if you can be patient with me ...”
“Of course.” Evan felt a lump in his throat. “But, um, I have no idea what I’m doing in a relationship, Jeremy. I’m probably going to screw stuff up.”
Jeremy nudged him with his elbow. “Kid, we’re both going to screw things up left and right, so let’s just agree not to walk out on each other when we get it wrong, and we’ll figure out the rest together.”
Evan smiled. “Deal.”
He glanced down and noticed the gas gauge had dropped below a quarter tank, and he followed the next exit ramp.
“Want to grab dinner while we’re here?” Jeremy asked as they pulled into the gas station.
“Here?” Evan asked. “At the gas station?” He wasn’t a food snob, but after a weekend of being spoiled by Stephen and Russ’ budget, he wasn’t thrilled with the idea of old hot dogs and stale chips.
Jeremy snorted. “I’m not exactly rolling in money, but I can do better than that. I was thinking maybe we could find a pizza place nearby or something unless you just want to get back on the road.”
Evan put the car in park and shrugged. “I took tomorrow off work, so I’m not in any crazy hurry to get home. I’m fine with pizza.”
“I’ll look up nearby places while I stretch my legs.”
“Sounds good.”
***
Unfortunately, when they got back on the road after dinner, they hit a snarl of traffic just outside Atlanta. Jeremy sighed and glanced over at Evan as they crawled to a standstill. “Sorry.”
“For what?”
“If we hadn’t stopped to eat, we might have missed this.” He gestured toward the sea of brake lights and unmoving traffic.
Evan shrugged. “Or we would have been stuck in traffic and hungry. I don’t really mind. It’s more time with you.”
Jeremy smiled at the sentiment. “Hard to believe with everything you went through, but you’re really an eternal optimist, aren’t you?”
“I guess. I try. By the time I moved to Atlanta, I was feeling pretty hopeless, but there was Russ and Stephen to help me out. I got a great job, and I met you, so yeah, life is pretty good right now.”
Jeremy touched Evan’s thigh, stroking the denim-covered skin and wishing it was bare. “Yeah, mine too.”
Traffic ground to a complete stop as they reached the wreckage of a smashed, upside-down car being loaded onto a flatbed wrecker and a lot of emergency personnel who didn’t seem to be hurrying. A weird, tense feeling began in the pit of Jeremy’s stomach. He looked away, focusing on the car next to them. It was easier than looking at the accident and wondering if the driver had survived. He was pretty sure he knew the answer to that.
He still didn’t understand why his accident hadn’t killed him.
“You okay?” Evan’s voice was somber, and when Jeremy glanced up and saw Evan’s furrowed brow and tight, pinched expression, he realized he’d been rubbing his left thigh.
Weird habit. He’d never noticed it until Evan pointed it out. He nodded, relaxing his hand so his palm lay flat on his jeans. “Stuff like this is hard for me,” he said gruffly.
“I can imagine.” Evan’s fingertips were cool and pale as they skimmed across Jeremy’s bare, tanned forearm. Reaching over, Jeremy captured Evan’s fingers with his other hand.
“Sometimes, I don’t realize how caught up in my thoughts I get. Thanks.”
Evan’s smile was faint. “You think I don’t do the same thing? I’ve had more conversations in my head than I’ve ever had aloud.”
“Not that, exactly. I was thinking about my accident. Wondering why I survived it.”
Evan’s hand slipped from his grasp and returned to the wheel as traffic began to move. “I don’t know if there is a why, Jeremy. Sometimes, I think life is just random. You survived; that’s what matters.”
“You’re weirdly philosophical for a twenty-one-year-old,” Jeremy pointed out. He liked that about Evan, but it still surprised him. At that age, Jeremy had been a spoiled, immature party boy. Then again, working at a funeral home probably made mortality a lot more immediate and real. At that age, Jeremy had thought he was invincible. But his accident had taught him that lesson in the most abrupt and painful way possible.
“I think I’m just weird.” Evan’s tone didn’t have a hint of self-deprecation in it, and when Jeremy glanced over, his expression was calm. Somehow, Jeremy didn’t think Evan was insulting himself.
“I like weird,” Jeremy admitted. “And I like that you’re mature for your age. Shit, Russ and Stephen have a bigger age gap than we do, and it clearly works, but you have to admit, twenty-one and thirty-six aren’t the best match.”
Evan shrugged and accelerated as the cars around them finally sped up, breaking free of the traffic snarl. “Sure. But we are. I mean, we work for some reason, right? Probably because I’m weirdly mature for my age and—”
“And because I’m weirdly immature for my age?” Jeremy finished teasingly.
Evan laughed and shook his head. “I wasn’t going to say that.”
“I know. That’s why I said it for you.”
“Nah, it’s that you’re fun. You—you know how to make me laugh. You make me stop being so serious all the time.” Evan was silent for a moment. “You make me feel like the Evan I want to be, not the Evan I’ve been my whole life.”
At that moment, Jeremy wanted nothing more than to reach out, drag Evan onto his lap, and kiss his senseless. He contented himself with reaching up to cup the back of Evan’s head, feeling the soft tickle of Evan’s hair against his palm. “That may be the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.”
“It’s definitely the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me,” Evan admitted. “I mean, Russ and Stephen were awesome taking me in, but this is different. You make me feel alive.”
“Ditto,” Jeremy said quietly.
The conversation moved on to lighter topics, but Jeremy continued to think about Evan’s words. It was good to know he wasn’t the only one changing because of this relationship. Funny, for years he’d thought being in a relationship was something that limited a person.
But being with Evan made him feel like the whole world was opening up.
***
“Need any help getting your stuff out of the trunk?” Evan asked as he pulled into a parking spot in front of Jeremy’s door. “I can drop off Russ and Stephen’s belongings tomorrow.”
“Do you have to go home?” Jeremy asked, frowning. “I thought maybe you’d come in with me.”
“I’m pretty exhausted.”
“Me too,” Jeremy admitted. “But we can just veg out on the couch and watch something, or, hell, go right to bed.”
“You want me to stay tonight?” Evan’s eyes widened.
“Is it so weird that I would?” He carefully twisted in the seat so he could look at Evan better.
“I thought you might want some space. Or that you might be sick of me.”
Jeremy chuckled softly and ran his thumb across Evan’s cheekbone. “I can’t imagine getting sick of you. And falling asleep together last night? That was nice.”
Evan smiled, his tense shoulders relaxing. “Just nice?”
“Oh, a lot more than nice.” Jeremy let out a sigh as he contemplated how to tell Evan he was in too much pain for sex. “Look, uh, I’m not sure I’m going to be up for a hell of a lot in the bedroom tonight though. My leg is pretty achy,” he said, hating that he had to admit his weakness.
Evan shrugged. “No big deal. I’d love to stay no matter what we do. I just didn’t want to wear out my welcome.”
Jeremy’s throat felt thick as he shook his head. Evan was the first guy he could honestly say he couldn’t see wearing out his welcome. “Nah, kid, I can’t think of anything I’d like more than to fall asleep with you in my bed.” He leaned forward and placed a kiss on Evan’s jaw, right where it met his ear. “And I never ruled out the possibility of handjobs.”
Evan’s smile was shy but eager. “Let’s go inside then. I’d like to stay.”