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On the drive to his apartment, Jeremy forced himself to take deep breaths as Evan spoke about his mother. He wanted to rant and scream at Evan to tell the woman to fuck off and leave him alone, but he knew it wouldn’t help.
At first, he’d wondered if Evan could even drive safely, and Jeremy once again cursed the fact that he couldn’t take the keys and hop behind the wheel when Evan needed him. He had a moment of frustration and anger with himself. But, thankfully, Evan’s hands were steady on the wheel, and he seemed as careful as ever. By the time they pulled into Jeremy’s apartment complex, Jeremy had made a vow to himself that he was going to bring up driving with Dr. Fuller at their next session. It wasn’t something he was willing to put off any longer. Not when Evan might need him.
“Bed?” Evan asked when they walked in the apartment. Jeremy nodded. He liked that the bedroom was their place to talk. He even managed to hold his tongue until they were lying naked on their sides, bodies intertwined.
“Look, I don’t want to be pushy, but I’m worried about this, Evan,” he finally said. “Worried about you.”
Evan nodded. “I know. I’m worried too. I don’t know what the right choice is. I’m all jumbled up inside about it. It just ... I can’t get over the idea that maybe she could come around, and we could be close. My dad’s a lost cause, but maybe my mom could change.”
“I hope so. I really do.” Jeremy swallowed back the urge to say it would never happen in a million years. “But I wonder if it’s worth risking. What if ... what if she’s just using you for money or wants to change your mind about being gay?”
To his surprise, Evan snorted quietly. “I’m not going to change my mind, Jeremy. Even if I weren’t sure that I’m gay, nothing would change how I feel about you.”
Jeremy brushed his lips across Evan’s forehead. “I know that. I just worry she’ll think she can. And that it’ll hurt you all over again when that doesn’t happen.”
“I know.” Evan nuzzled closer and whispered. “I’m scared, Jeremy.”
Jeremy wrapped an arm around his back and hauled him closer so they touched from nose to toes. “I’m sorry you have to go through this.”
They lay for a long time like that, not speaking. Jeremy felt helpless, wanting to do more, but was at a total loss for words. He felt wetness on Evan’s cheeks, and without commenting, smoothed it away with his thumbs. Eventually, Evan let out a shuddering sigh and gently pushed Jeremy onto his back. Jeremy went willingly, shifting until Evan was curled up next to him, head on his shoulder, hand resting over his heart, in their usual position.
“Thank you,” he whispered.
“For what?” Jeremy’s laugh was helpless. “I don’t feel like I’m doing anything.”
“You’re here for me,” Evan said, and something about the way he said it made it sound simultaneously simple and profound. “I don’t need anything else.”
“What do you think about us being there for each other more? Like, every day.” The words popped out before Jeremy could stop them, but he wouldn’t have taken them back for anything.
Evan pulled back a little, a furrow appearing between his eyebrows. “What do you mean?”
“Move in with me.”
Evan froze. “Really?” His voice cracked.
“Yeah. Why not? I wouldn’t say it’s been easy, but we’re doing good, right?” Evan nodded. “I know I’m not a perfect boyfriend, but I’m trying like hell, and I know you are too. I feel good about where things are going between us.” He stared up at the ceiling, hoping the guy in his arms wasn’t going to turn him down. He’d been thinking about moving in together for a while, but he hadn’t had the guts to bring it up until now. Funny that he was the one eager for it when he’d been so against the idea in college. Then again, he was a hell of a lot older now and, theoretically, wiser. He almost snorted aloud at that thought. Well, maybe not wiser. But he was smart enough to know a good thing when he stumbled across it, and Evan was definitely a good thing.
“You really mean it?” Evan sounded shocked. And maybe he should be. They hadn’t been together that long and they hadn’t discussed it before now, but Jeremy knew deep down in his gut he was ready for it. He wasn’t the same guy who’d been terrified by commitment when he’d reluctantly agreed to move in with Stephen fifteen years ago. He wanted this.
“Yeah, I do,” he said quietly. “I love you, Evan. I’d like to know you’re here to come home to. And that if you have a bad day, I’m here for you.”
“We already spend almost every night together.”
“I know. And if it’s too soon, I’ll understand, but I really want this, Evan.”
He could hear Evan swallow noisily. “I’m ... I’m not sure.” Evan’s voice sounded tense, and he sat up, resting on his elbow. Jeremy glanced over at him, trying to gauge his feelings.
“You don’t have to decide right away,” he reassured Evan, swallowing the lump of disappointment in his throat. Maybe he’d rushed things or picked a bad time when Evan was feeling upset about his mother. Shit, maybe he sucked at this boyfriend thing after all.
“I’m scared it’s too soon, Jeremy.” Evan frowned, worry pinching his face. “You’re not mad at me, are you?”
“What? Of course not, Evan!” Jeremy protested. “Look, I’m kinda disappointed, but I would never be mad at you about something like this.”
“You sure?”
“I’m sure,” Jeremy said firmly. “It was just an idea. Let me know when you feel ready. The offer’s always open.”
“I love you, and I want to move in with you someday. I’m just not sure I’m ready yet. I’m sorry.”
Jeremy grabbed the back of Evan’s head so they were looking each other in the eye. “Hey, don’t apologize. It doesn’t matter. If you aren’t ready, we’ll wait until you are. I’ll wait as long as it takes.”
Evan smiled. “Maybe we can talk about it again before my lease is up in March?”
Rather than answer, Jeremy leaned in and kissed Evan. Knowing Evan wanted it someday was all he needed to hear.
***
“How is your relationship with Evan going?” Dr. Fuller asked him a few days later.
“Pretty well. Evan and I had some pretty big things to work through, and I think we did a really good job communicating. And I’ve been managing to keep my temper in check.”
Dr. Fuller gave him an encouraging smile. “Tell me more about that.”
Jeremy filled him in on the night of Russ’ birthday dinner, the call from Evan’s mother, and him asking Evan to move in with him. Dr. Fuller made a few notes as Jeremy spoke, and when he finished, the doctor cleared his throat. “I’m encouraged to see such a large increase in your social group. I think you’ve made excellent strides there.”
“It’s still a little weird for me,” Jeremy admitted. “I mean, I never expected to be friends with Stephen again, and Russ and I are still a little wary of each other, but they’re both great guys, and they’ve done so much for Evan. Russ’ family and friends seem pretty cool too. I have to admit, it feels good to have a lot of people in my life who don’t seem to think twice about my disability.”
“I think it may have more to do with the fact that your disability isn’t your whole life now, Jeremy. You’re finding ways to work with it instead of constantly fighting yourself about it.”
“True.” Jeremy gave him a wry grin of agreement then quickly sobered. “That brings me to something I’ve been thinking about for a few days. Well, longer than that really, but Evan being upset the other night really made it a priority.”
“Of course, Jeremy.” Dr. Fuller set down his pen and fixed his gaze on Jeremy. “Please, continue.”
“I want to learn to drive again. And I—I don’t know how.”
Dr. Fuller’s smile was broad and genuine. “I hoped you’d bring that up at some point. I think it’s excellent progress for you.”
“How the fuck do I do it though?” Jeremy asked with a lump in his throat. He could barely admit it to anyone but himself, but the thought of getting behind the wheel of a car scared him shitless. Waiting a decade and a half to deal with it probably hadn’t helped the situation either.
“One step at a time. You’ll need to renew your driver’s license since you let it lapse. On the plus side, you never had seizures because of the TBI. That can complicate obtaining a license, but in your case, you shouldn’t need to be evaluated by a board to determine if the injury impacted your ability to drive. Sometimes, cognitive or physical disabilities are a hindrance, but I know Dr. Meyer and I are on the same page about this. We both believe you are physically and mentally ready to drive.”
“And emotionally?”
Dr. Fuller gave him a serious, level stare. “In essence, you have a form of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Jeremy. We’ll work through it using a form of exposure therapy to gradually build you up to being comfortable with the idea of driving.”
He shifted uncomfortably in his chair. “You’ve brought it up before, but I always kinda blew it off. I mean, I thought PTSD was just for soldiers and rape victims and shit.”
“People have PTSD for a number of reasons. Yes, traumatic events like war and rape can often trigger it, but what you experienced was no less traumatic. You were in a catastrophic car accident, critically injured, and in extreme amounts of pain. You received subpar care, and your support network was ripped away from you. You became isolated and depressed. Yes, you have PTSD.”
“Well, when you put it that way, Doc ...” he joked weakly. Shit, hearing it spelled out so bluntly did make it sound pretty awful. He had compartmentalized so much of it for years. It was easier that way. Less overwhelming.
Dr. Fuller’s voice was gentle as he continued. “This is a process, Jeremy. One I am extremely pleased to see you beginning. It will be slow. It may be very painful. But if you are willing to keep going, I think it will do you a world of good. If you feel too anxious, we can either consider a low dose of anti-anxiety meds or stop. We can start and stop as many times as is necessary. There is no shame in that.”
“Thanks, Doc,” Jeremy said quietly.
Dr. Fuller’s smile was kind. “I’ve been hoping for many years that this day would come. It’s personally and professionally gratifying to have a patient make huge leaps forward as you have. That’s all the thanks I need.”
“So how do I actually do this? I mean, you mentioned renewing my license, but I’m not going to have to go take some class with sixteen-year-olds, am I?”
“No. Certainly not. I’ll put you in contact with a colleague I know through the Shepherd Center who exclusively works with people re-learning to drive after traumatic accidents.”
“You mean I’m not the only person in the world like this?” Jeremy said jokingly. He’d half-believed it though.
“No. You are many things, Jeremy, but entirely unique in the way you’ve coped with this accident? Not even close. Many people struggle with this exact issue, and I have the resources to help you work through it. It will be a combination of practical driving instruction with my colleague and office visits with me. Together, we will get you there. It may not be a quick or easy process, but it is certainly an achievable goal if you set your mind to it.”
Jeremy nodded.
For Evan, I’d do anything, he thought to himself. Even drive,
The only thing that scared him more than driving was the thought of not being everything Evan needed.