CHAPTER 38

Granddaddy and Grandma tried to tell me I didn’t embarrass myself beyond repair, but I only found comfort in the fact that summer was here and I wouldn’t have to see most everyone from school until the fall.

That night, I tossed and turned—and so did my brain—for what felt like hours, till I finally got out of bed. Peeking into Daddy’s room, I saw him sound asleep. He must’ve come in after I went to bed.

Walking downstairs to Grandma and Granddaddy’s room, I heard each stair creak louder than the next.

“Is Daddy mad at me?” I whispered when I got to their open door.

Grandma mumbled something and scooted over.

I took that as an invitation to sit on the edge of her bed.

Grandma’s voice was little more than a whisper. “Why would your daddy be mad at ya?”

“He didn’t even remember I was singing in the show, and I told him over and over. But it’s more than that—it’s like the only thing he cares about lately is the farm.”

Granddaddy sat up in bed and put on his reading glasses, like that was gonna help him think better. “It’s true your daddy’s working hard on the farm,” he said. “I think it’s his way of dealing with everything.” I looked over at him, his hair glowing silver in the moonlight. “You see, Pixie, as much as you miss your mama and your sissy, and as much as your grandma and I miss ’em, your daddy misses ’em too. But his pain might be even worse ’n ours.”

I disagreed. “No way it’s worse than mine. I gave Mama the cough and Sissy the polio.”

“Lands’ sakes!” Now Grandma sat up in bed too. “Why you keep saying that? Your mama got sick. Sometimes people get sick and get right better. Other times people get sick and don’t get better. It just happens. Same with your sissy. It just happens.”

I shook my head.

“Listen to your grandma,” Granddaddy said. “She’s right, Pixie. Nothing you did or coulda done about either your mama or sissy. But knowing how you feel, maybe you can understand your daddy a bit more.”

I scooted closer to Grandma, laying my head on her shoulder like I used to do with Mama as he continued. “You see, he wanted to protect your mama and your sissy—but he couldn’t. So now, working on the farm—making it better for all of us—those are things he can do. That’s a way he can help. So he’s holding tight to that. That’s his way of pushing on.”

We sat in the quiet darkness of the room for a few minutes as I tried to digest all that information about Daddy’s feelings.

I squinted at the sparkling moonlight, hoping to keep my tears from falling.

After a while, I heard Granddaddy snoring, still with his glasses on. Grandma took a deep breath and patted my back. “Now, scoot up to bed—and no more silly talk. Things always look better in the light of day.”

She blew me a kiss, and as I was leaving, she whispered, “To tell you the truth, your daddy is doing a great job. We needed him.”

And for once, I bit my tongue, ’cause I wanted to say I needed him too.