| |
––––––––
“DRAW ON YOUR MAGIC and funnel it to me,” the warlock instructed Poppy.
Poppy did as he asked and power swelled between them. “How much juice do you want me to give this thing?” the witch asked. Her spells and potions were always either too weak, or too strong. She didn’t seem to know how to moderate them.
“Oh, it will require a fair amount of magic,” the warlock said slyly. “Give it everything you’ve got,” he suggested.
Poppy’s eyes gleamed with malice even though she had no idea who the device was for. “You asked for it,” she said, then poured her energy into the warlock.
Concentrating hard, the warlock touched the dildo and mumbled a spell beneath his breath. “There,” he said in satisfaction when he was done. Their magic shut off and they both sagged in weariness. “That should do it,” he added, holding the worktable to steady himself.
Xiara took Poppy’s arm when the witch looked like she was going to pass out. “I’m alright,” Poppy said, but she didn’t pull away. It was strange, but she almost felt as if the executioner was funneling strength into her. After a few seconds, she felt much stronger and she could stand without assistance.
The warlock scribbled instructions on a sheet of paper. He slipped it into an envelope, but he didn’t seal it with magic. “Make sure the person who the device belongs to reads this,” he said, catching and holding her eyes. “It’s very important that he follows the instructions to the letter.” He handed the box and note to her.
Xiara nodded. “Do you need help getting back to the guildhall?” she asked Poppy.
“I’ll escort her,” the warlock offered. “I believe I’ll finish work early tonight and visit a colleague of mine.”
Xiara followed the pair outside. She tucked the parcel and letter under her cropped jacket to keep them dry. A carriage pulled over for the executioner and she climbed inside. The skeleton gleaned that she wanted to go to Lord Dallinar’s mansion and the carriage took off. The huntress opened the letter and read it, then read it again. “That’s weird,” she muttered. The warlock’s instructions were simple. He’d altered the device to work when a specific phrase was used. It no longer required magic to operate it, since two powerful magic users had infused it with unlimited energy. “What made the warlock choose ‘it’s time to boogie’ as a trigger phrase?” she asked.
As soon as she finished speaking the phrase, the device went into action. It stiffened and grew larger, then began to pump the air and vibrate of its own accord. “Holy crap!” she exclaimed in a mixture of mortification and amusement. “Stop!” she ordered it, but it just kept gyrating inside the box. She read the note again to figure out how to stop it while trying not to burst into hysterical laugher. “Groove time is over!” she said and the dildo became inert.
The skeleton turned its head when its passenger descended into snorts and giggles. It unerringly drove through the cobbled streets without needing to see where it was going, not that it had eyes to see with. Its passenger wasn’t in need of medical assistance, so it turned around again.
“I can’t wait to tell the gang about this,” Xiara said. She tucked the letter into the box and closed it. By the time she reached Lord Dallinar’s mansion, she had her amusement mostly under control.
Disembarking from the carriage, she took the path around the side of the house that led to the tower at the back. “I have a package for Lord Dallinar,” she said to the two agents.
“I’ll advise him of your arrival, Ms. Evora,” the FBI agent said and put his finger to the magical device in his ear. He murmured the message to his boss and waited for instructions. “You’re cleared to enter,” he said and swept his hand at the door.
Xiara nodded her thanks and opened the door. It wasn’t warded and she had no trouble entering the tower. She climbed the stairs, giggling silently a few times during her ascent. When she reached the top, she knocked on the door.
“Enter,” Lord Dallinar called out eagerly.
Rolling her eyes at the slurred sound of her master’s voice, the executioner pushed the door open. “I’ve had the device repaired, as you ordered, my lord,” she said.
“I didn’t expect you to accomplish this task so quickly,” the fairy said. He was dressed in his favorite red and gold robe and was sprawled on the couch. “Bring it here,” he ordered, holding out his hand impatiently.
Xiara crossed to him and handed him the box. “The person who fixed the device said he included instructions with it, my lord,” she said.
“Did you look inside the box?” he asked her suspiciously.
“No, Lord Dallinar,” she lied blandly. “You told me to be discreet. The craftsman is the only one who knows what the item is. He isn’t aware that it belongs to you.”
“Good,” the fairy said, then placed the box on the coffee table. “You may go,” he said, waving a delicate hand at her in dismissal.
Xiara bowed and left his chamber. She pulled the door mostly shut, but she didn’t descend the stairs yet. Covering her grinning mouth with her hand in anticipation, she waited to see what was going to happen next.
“Ah, you’re as good as new, my beauty,” the fairy crooned and she had to bite her lip to stifle her giggles. “Hmm,” he went on as he read the note. “That’s strange. I no longer need to infuse you with my magic. Instead, I must utter this bizarre phrase.” He went silent and she heard him putting the device on. “Here goes nothing,” the fairy lord muttered. “It’s time to boogie,” he said, then Xiara clapped both hands over her mouth when the fairy squealed in surprise. “What the hell is this?” he said in horror as the dildo presumably began pumping and vibrating. “It isn’t supposed to move like this!” he said. “How do I make it stop?”
Xiara fled with tears leaking from her eyes at his distressed tone. She needed to be long gone before he could demand to know who had repaired his toy. She slowed down when she reached the door and nodded at the agents. They nodded back and she hurried along the path, then sprinted away once she was out of sight.
When she’d put a few blocks between herself and Lord Dallinar’s mansion, she collapsed onto a bench and laughed hysterically. She could picture the fairy prancing around, trying to make the magical device stop humping the air. The warlock had changed the machine so it would pleasure women rather than its owner. It would probably also give the fairy eventual release, but he was too damn selfish to have the patience to wait that long.
“I needed that laugh,” the Guardian of Nox said when her giggles petered out. She was soaked to her skin, but she was used to the crappy weather and it didn’t bother her.
Her task had taken her most of the night to complete and dawn was only a couple of hours away now. A carriage stopped to pick her up and ferried her to her warehouse in the Night Cursed District. Not even the order to be discreet was going to be enough for her to keep this story to herself. She was already grinning when she opened the door.
“Here’s trouble,” Amanda said. Her furry face was covered in cookie crumbs.
“What shenanigans did you get yourself into this time?” Gertrude asked.
Not everyone was home yet, so Xiara sank down onto a chair to wait. “I’ll tell you all about my whacky adventure when the rest of the crew gets home,” she promised and reached for a bowl of chips.
The others began to arrive and the room soon filled with noise and chatter. Travis entered with Steve Banner, Quilla and Sgt. Rick Malone. The gypsy had told their boyfriends some of the tale and they were both grinning. Lyle arrived not long afterwards, with Joanne clinging to his arm. He must have picked her up from Guild Master Reed’s house so they could travel home together.
Captain Jasper Shortbeard, Lady Marigold and Gip the parrot arrived next. “What’s going on?” the blonde Englishwoman asked when she saw anticipation written on everyone’s faces.
“I’ll tell you as soon as Zircadion, Frank and Ivan get here,” Xiara promised.
“We are here,” Ivan said as he pushed the door open. The gargoyle had exceptional hearing. Chesi had arrived a while ago and was wrapped around Xiara’s shoulders.
Xiara waited until everyone had taken a seat, then told them about the task she’d been ordered to complete. Even Umbridge stopped reading to listen in. Fiona the fairy’s face had turned redder and redder and Rick kept darting her amused looks. Drognar the demon was partially visible and her lime green eyes glowed with mirth. Wayne was in his werewolf form and kept rubbing his shaggy face against Gertrude’s cheek. The witch was too caught up in the story to push him away.
Silence descended when she was done. Quilla was the first to snicker, then Amanda joined in and everyone erupted into laughter. Even Gip was bobbing up and down, screeching in amusement. Wrath pulsed a few times and Chesi was making the chirruping noises that were her form of giggling.
“If Lord Dallinar uses that thing on anyone, he’ll never live it down,” Jasper said, wiping his tears of laughter away with a pristine handkerchief. He handed it to his beloved and Marigold smeared her eyeliner when she dabbed her eyes.
“I would have paid good money to see the fairy wearing that dildo on his dong,” Amanda said wistfully.
“There’s a surprise,” Wayne said in his gruff werewolf voice and rolled his amber eyes. “We all know you’re a pervert.”
The werepanda narrowed her eyes, then shrugged. “There’s no point arguing with the truth,” she decided.
“There will surely be repercussions about this,” Travis warned Xiara. “Lord Dallinar will want someone to blame for this embarrassment and you’ll be his first target.”
“It’s a pity I’m just a stupid Night Cursed moron,” the Guardian of Nox said wryly. “I’ll pretend I don’t remember him sending me on that mission if he summons me to his tower.”
“Is he going to make Xiara pay for this humiliation?” Steve asked Quilla.
The gypsy’s gaze went distant as she peeked into the future. “He’ll be too embarrassed to punish her for it.” She saw something else and gasped in shock. “The warlock who fixed it infused it with a specific spell. Thanks to Poppy boosting it’s power, the enchantment is nearly unbreakable.”
“What does it do?” Drognar asked, becoming more visible in her eagerness to hear the answer.
“The dildo won’t come off,” the mystic said and fresh laughter sounded from the group. “He can turn it on and off at will, but it’s magically welded to him now. It won’t cause him pain like it did before, but the fairy will have to live with the apparatus stuck to his dong.”
“That’s one hell of a punishment,” Travis said when their snorts and giggles faded. “He’ll never be able to pass his Johnson off as being normal now.”
“This is his own fault,” Lyle said in satisfaction. “No one forced him to drink whiskey after Chesi destroyed most of the gold flowers the elves used to make their fae alcohol with.”
“Drunks always blame everyone else for their problems,” Rick said. “They rarely admit their own faults.”
“It’s nearly dawn,” Lady Marigold said with a heated look at Jasper. “We should head to bed.”
“Pussy!” Gip muttered sourly and was backhanded in punishment for the insult.
“He’ll never learn,” Steve said with a grin as Jasper cradled his unconscious pet in the crook of his arm. The pirate captain heaved a sigh, then rose to his feet and offered his ladylove his hand. Their meeting broke up and they all headed to their apartments to fall into their enchanted comas and sleep the day away.
