Sunday, December 7th
5:08 P.M.
Massie leaned back against her 3,000-thread-count silk sheets and kicked the fully clothed Massiequin with one of her BCBG riding boots. “I don’t know, Bean,” she said to the puppy, who was curled in her lap. “Is it missing something?”
The Massiequin was adorned in her latest attempt at a kiss outfit: a Rag & Bone silk-trimmed cropped vest over a long aquamarine Yaya Aflalo tank and a pair of dark denim skinny jeans. On the floor next to it was her earlier choice: a blue-green Marc Jacobs silk dress, which she’d since vetoed. Sure, it looked hawt on her, and the color would match Landon’s eyes, but it reeked of “special occasion,” and the last thing she wanted was for Landon to think their first kiss was a moment she’d dressed up for.
With only two days left until Landon’s birthday, Massie was having major kiss-ues. Sure, he’d sent her Twitter pics of him and Bark playing in the snow, and even one where he’d carved BOC + BB within the outline of a dog in the snow. But Landon’s ah-dorableness only set her teeth more on edge.
What was wrong with her? She was Massie Block, alpha of the Pretty Committee. She’d lip-kissed Derrington, of course. So why was she nervous? Was it because Landon was older? Because she liked him times ten? Was it because, as the alpha, there was simply more pressure on her to be perfect? People like Layne and Claire had no idea how easy they had it. No one would expect their kisses to be perfect 10s. But Massie’s had to be off the chart.
There was only one place to turn: her anti-anxiety audiobook. Opening iTunes, she clicked on “Part 1” of Declouding Your Inner Self: A Guide to Overcoming Anxiety.
A woman’s deep voice flowed out of the Bose speakers. “WELCOME TO THE NEW, MORE RELAXED YOU.”
Massie skipped right to the mantra tracks.
“IMAGINE YOU ARE BEING FILLED WITH A CALM BLUE LIGHT.”
She lay back on her comforter, letting it envelop her like a downy crepe, and closed her eyes.
“THIS CALM BLUE LIGHT IS VERY CALM AND VERY BLUE.”
She imagined the blue light was the color of Landon’s eyes.
“THIS CALM BLUE LIGHT IS WORKING ITS WAY THROUGH YOUR HEART AND YOUR SACRUM AND FLOWING DOWN YOUR LEGS AND ARMS. NOW PICTURE A FLUFFY CLOUD…”
Massie pictured a cotton ball in the shape of Landon’s head, complete with his Adrian Grenier–esque tousled curls.
“FLUFFIER,” instructed the voice.
With her mind’s eye, Massie fluffed up Landon’s cloud hair a fraction of an inch.
“EVEN FLUFFIER!”
“I’m trying!” Massie whined, opening her eyes for a split second to glare at the speakers.
“GOOD,” the voice said. “NOW GATHER YOUR WORST FEARS, AND PLACE THEM ONE BY ONE ON THE FLUFFY CLOUD.”
Closing her eyes again, Massie took her fear of lip-kissing an older man, her fear that the PC would abandon her, her fear that shoulder pads might make a comeback, and she placed them one by one on the Landon cloud.
Then the woman’s voice instructed, “NOW BLOW THE CLOUD AWAY.”
Massie inhaled deeply, then blew as hard as she could. The cloud shuddered but stayed put.
“Go away,” Massie blew again. Nothing.
“BLOW THE CLOUD FAR, FAR AWAY,” the woman’s voice barked.
Massie tried to push the cloud away, but it was as fruitless as trying to fit her size 6 foot into a size 5 wedge. The cloud was enormous—larger than the entire Block Estate—and the harder she blew, the more twisted her fears looked. Landon’s lips parted into a sinister grin. Fear-replicas of Kristen, Dylan, and Alicia pointed and laughed at her. And gigantic, powder-pink shoulder pads zoomed toward her, threatening to suffocate her where she stood.
“PUSH!” The woman boomed.
“GO AWAY!” Massie yelled at her fears.
Bean whimpered and jumped off the bed.
Massie opened one eye. “Not you, Bean. The fear cloud!” But it was useless. And now she had another fear to add to the pile: a fear of massive, immovable clouds.
Sighing, she shut off the audiobook and clicked onto Firefox. First she googled “kissing techniques,” but when that delivered a series of blocked sites, she decided to get specific. Within minutes, she had compiled a list of the hawtest, most important lip kisses of all time:
• THE MYS KISS, Spider-Man (2003), Kirsten Dunst and Tobey McGuire: Mys-terious Spidey is hanging upside down. She pulls off half his mask and kisses him.
• THE RISK KISS, Twilight (2008), Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson: She risks her life to kiss a vampire.
• THE DISS KISS, MTV Video Music Awards (2009), Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson (again): Accepting their award for Best Kiss, Robert ditches his gum and everything, but at the last minute, Kristen pulls away. (Okay, technically not a kiss—but they totally kissed off-camera later!)
• THE AQUA-BLISS KISS, The Notebook (2005), Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling: Kissing in the rain.
• THE HISS KISS, Gossip Girl (Season Two): Serena kisses Nate at a party to make his cougar girlfriend jealous. Meow!
Massie closed her laptop. Okay, so Landon was easily as hawt as a superhero, but it seemed unlikely that he’d be hanging upside down during their smooch. And since she wasn’t famous (yet), she probably wasn’t going to win an MTV Video Music Award. It was possible they could kiss in the rain like Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling, but that would mean ruining her blowout and risking raccoon eyes.
No, none of those kisses felt exactly right. Maybe if she took the mystery of the Mys Kiss, added the danger of the Risk Kiss, the longing of the Diss Kiss, the passion of the Aqua-Bliss Kiss, and the confidence of the Hiss Kiss, she would get what she was hoping for—the Mass Kiss.
Taking a breath, she shut her blinds and replaced her anti-stress CD with Sounds of the Brazilian Rain Forest, uncapped her Passion Fruit Glossip Girl, put Landon’s sweatshirt on the Massiequin, and paw-swore Bean to secrecy. She closed her eyes, praying her life would never get more pathetic than it was at that particular moment.
And then she puckered up for practice.