Some Little Known Floods Facts and Secrets
Nerlin Flood has four knees. The second two are at the back of his legs though they have been known to creep up into his armpits during thunderstorms. They were given to him by a witch when Nerlin said he would bend over backwards to help a small kitten that was trapped inside a sandwich. Without the extra knees, he would not have been able to bend over backwards and the sandwich would have been eaten which would have been disastrous for kitty. Since then Nerlin has rescued thirty-seven kittens, four puppies and a small accountant who were also trapped inside sandwiches.
Betty Flood has a dark secret, but it is so dark that even with a really bright torch you can’t see it.
Mordonna Flood collects cheese rinds. For many years she kept them in a special cabinet, but after she told her son Winchflat about the collection, he took it over and built a wonderful machine that converts the rinds into new and exciting life forms. These are set free to roam in Transylvania Waters’s exciting new Wild Life Sanctuary where they have formed relationships with each other and produced newer and even more exciting life forms such as the duck-billed bank manager and the flying scalloposaurus.
Late at night Winchflat goes to the Wild Life Sanctuary and seeks out his creations. Then he points at them and laughs.
Late at night Valla goes to the Wild Life Sanctuary and seeks out Winchflat’s creations. Then he creeps up behind them and sucks their blood, some of which is mauve.
Bad Taste is our Middle Name
HOTHEAD
Are you so hideous that you can only go out after dark? Wear this lovely bag.
Now available in a choice of several male or female famous-but-forgotten-
tomorrow TV legends.
THE OGRE DRESS
Do people keep creeping up behind you and attacking you with soft fruit?
Well, you need the Ogre Dress and Matching Leggings. As they approach they will see this terrifyingly lifelike creature printed on your back and run away screaming.
They will probably drop their soft fruit and if it’s a banana, they might even slip on it and break their necks which is no more than they deserve.
We’ve all heard of edible undies and yes, they are delicious, but nothing says I love you more than a pair of edible socks. These socks have been pre-worn for your dining pleasure by a Very Large Sumo Wrestler on a Very Hot Day. FREE toenail clippings with every pair. Enjoy.
Yum! Yum!
DANGER PANTS
Do people keep poking you in embarrassing places with soft fruit? Keep them away with Danger Pants – reinforced with real Barbed Wire and a pair of Genuine Eyes linked to your brain with wi-fi.
Now you won’t be saying: ‘Does my bum look big in this?’
You’ll just say: ‘Does my bum look?’
THE AMAZING COINCIDENCE ENGINE
Winchflat built the first version of this machine when he was three months old and actually designed it three months before he was born. Since then he has modified it and re-built it many times and it is now larger than a large house that includes a three-yak garage. Only part of it is shown here. The Octopus Untangler and the Soft Fruit Traumatiser are not shown as the patents are not sorted out yet and we wouldn’t want any of you stealing the idea. In the meantime, of course, a lot of octopi are very tangled up.
Winchflat would like to point out that no coleslaw was harmed during the building of this machine, though a cabbage was sneered at a bit.
The Coincidence Machine works like this. You put a coin in slot A, plug the sensors into your ears, stand in a bucket of warm water and wait for a solar eclipse. At the very moment the sun is totally blocked out, your coin will drop out of slot B, but it will be (a) very shiny, (b) upside down and (c) sticky with the juice of soft fruit. If you then sit on the coin (clothing must be removed first) you will instantly understand Einstein’s Theory of Relativity while looking a complete idiot and maybe even catching a cold, depending on the time of year you removed your clothing.
1. Take the top off your felt tip pen.
2. Go and buy The Floods 1: Neighbours.
3. Read it.
4. Go and buy The Floods 2: Playschool.
5. Read it.
6. Go and buy The Floods 3: Home and Away.
7. Read it.
8. Go and buy The Floods 4: Survivor.
9. Read it.
10. Repeat steps 3, 5, 7, 9.
11. Go and buy The Floods 5: Prime Suspect.
12. Read it.
13. Go and buy The Floods 6: The Great Outdoors.
14. Read it.
15. Go and buy The Floods 7: Top Gear.
16. Read it.
17. Go and buy The Floods 8: Better Homes & Gardens.
18. Read it.
19. Throw your felt tip pen away because it’s all dried up.
20. Repeat steps 3, 5, 7, 9, 12, 14, 16, 18.
21. Forget what the pen was for so don’t bother to buy another one.
22. Celebrate by buying The Floods Family Files picture book.
23. Eat some soft fruit.
