From childhood, I have used a cylindrical wooden wine barrel my dad brought home from Europe as a bedside table. It has a removable top, and into it I threw every important piece of paper I ever wanted to keep—letters, event programs, the occasional report card, notes to myself. I never bothered to unearth what it contained. I just kept chucking stuff in. That barrel, which I still keep in my bedroom today, amounts to an archeological dig of my life before email. In the process of excavation, I found a handwritten note to me from my paternal grandmother, who died when I was four; virtually all of Ian’s letters to me; and loads of correspondence from secondary school, Stanford, and Oxford.
After my mother passed away in 2017, we discovered dusty, mite-infested trunks in her attic filled with family history, newspaper clippings, and photographs. It was a treasure trove. Years earlier, my brother, Johnny, did the painful work of cleaning out my father’s house in Camas, Washington, after he died in 2011. Unable emotionally or practically to sift through all of Dad’s papers, he stashed them in his basement. Prompted by my pleas to assist with the book, Johnny dug them out, and I have benefited enormously from what we have found—from the ugly, such as depositions from my parents’ divorce proceedings, to the mundane, like tax records, to the amazing, including photographic portraits of my father’s relatives, official Air Force pictures of Dad’s service in World War II at Tuskegee, and personal photos from his days in India and Berkeley.
I have truly enjoyed writing Tough Love. A large part of the personal purpose behind this endeavor was to explore my family history, to revisit unflinchingly the painful aspects of my childhood that I had sped through in order to cope in the moment, and to ask myself the hard questions of where and why I have succeeded and failed and what I have learned in the process.
I needed to unbury my own life—literally and figuratively. No one else could do that for me. Thus, when some suggested at the outset that I partner with a ghostwriter or coauthor to help me produce this book, I resisted.
That said, as at every stage and in every aspect of my life, I could never have completed this project nor had this story to tell without the extraordinary help and support of so many others.
My agents at Creative Artists Agency, Mollie Glick, David Larabell, Christine Lancman, Kate Childs, Craig Gering, and Michelle Kydd Lee, believed in the importance of my story, offered valuable feedback, and supported me every step of the way.
I am grateful to Simon & Schuster for enabling me to tell this story, especially my dedicated, diehard editor Dawn Davis, who made this journey fun as well as a humbling learning experience. Chelcee Johns, Mark LaFlaur, Christina Zarafonitis, Min Choi, Amanda Lang, Cary Goldstein, and Jonathan Karp have also been great partners.
I am extraordinarily indebted to Alexander Cox, my special advisor and research coordinator, who joined me at the start, contributing extraordinary research, painstaking editing, unvarnished and consistently thoughtful feedback, logistical and administrative support, and invaluable encouragement. In addition, Elizabeth Pan supported my transition from government to private life and helped me get this project launched.
Mim Eichler Rivas taught me more than anyone in this process—about structure, storytelling, language, and the world of commercial publishing. Mim originally offered to help me to “rearrange the furniture” but did so much more, pushing me to grow as a writer, to dig deeper, to revise relentlessly, and not to get overly frustrated in the process. I cannot thank her enough.
I am blessed with extraordinary friends from all corners of my life, many of whom read and commented thoughtfully and extensively on drafts of the book. While the flaws are all mine, without their wise and candid input, their “tough love,” this would be a lesser endeavor by far. My deepest thanks to Salman Ahmed, Brooke Anderson, Erica Barks-Ruggles, Alex Butcher-Nesbitt, Richard Clarke, Suzy George, Avril Haines, Zev Karlin-Neumann, Vernon Lobo, Courtney O’Malley, Erin Pelton, Ben Rhodes, Priya Singh, Gayle Smith, Bonnie St. John, and Dan Wilhelm.
I am forever grateful to Kathy Ruemmler, Nick McQuaid, and the Latham and Watkins team for their extraordinary and generous support in this and too many other endeavors.
Anne Withers and Mike Smith at the National Security Council expeditiously read and reread the manuscript, shepherding it expertly through the interagency clearance process and generously offering valuable insights along the way.
I am thankful to Jim Goldgeier, Christine Chin, and Sylvia Burwell for embracing and supporting me so enthusiastically at American University’s School of International Service.
As I struggled mightily with my title, my friend and poet Tom Healy never grew tired of bantering and ultimately led me to discover that Tough Love summed it all up.
Nothing forges strong bonds of friendship like being in the trenches together, especially when the figurative bullets are flying. Some of my closest friends and most valued colleagues are those with whom I worked in the Clinton and Obama administrations at the NSC, the State Department, and the U.S. Mission to the U.N. It was my fortune to work with several of these colleagues in multiple capacities over the years, but I will name each only once, usually in the context of where we first collaborated.
From my Clinton era stints at the NSC and State, I want to thank in particular Madeleine Albright, Erica Barks-Ruggles, Randy Beers, the late Sandy Berger, Annette Bushelle, Prudence Bushnell, Johnnie Carson, Richard Clarke, Ted Dagne, the late MacArthur DeShazer, David Dunn, Grant Harris, Vicki Huddleston, Howard Jeter, Don Kerrick, Anthony Lake, Shawn McCormick, George Moose, Eric Pelofsky, Tom Pickering, Nancy Powell, John Prendergast, Joann Rice, Witney Schneidman, Eric Schwartz, the late Michael Sheehan, Wendy Sherman, Elaine Shocas, Gayle Smith, Nancy Soderberg, Jim Steinberg, Strobe Talbott, John Underriner, Joe Wilson, and the late Howard Wolpe.
I am also thankful for my friends and colleagues from McKinsey & Company in Toronto, many of whom have stayed close over years and distance, and at the Brookings Institution. I wish to thank especially Corinne Graff and Carlos Pascal for their support, along with many fellow Brookings scholars whom I am proud to call friends.
I am indebted to the entire U.S. Mission to the United Nations team, and especially Salman Ahmed, Brooke Anderson, Amar Bakshi, Ana Barahona, Rick Barton, Warren Bass, Anya Benenson, Josh Black, Dorothy Burgess, Elizabeth Cousens, Jeff DeLaurentis, Rosemary DiCarlo, Susan Din, Ravi Gupta, Alex Hughes, Mark Kornblau, Colleen King, Katie Lillie, Kathleen McGlynn, Alex McPhillips, Michael Pan, Alex Pascal, Erin Pelton, Taara Rangarajan, Maria Riofrio, Rexon Ryu, Hillary Schrenell, Lindsay Scola, Jennifer Simon, Mark Simonoff, Priya Singh, Caroline Tess, Stanton Thomas, Joe Torsella, Meridith Webster, Alex Wolff, and all of the wonderful Diplomatic Security agents who served on my detail. I am also grateful for the collegiality and support provided by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and her team.
Upon my return to the White House as national security advisor, I was deeply fortunate to have led so many talented professionals in every NSC directorate. I also remain grateful for my enduring friendships with and immeasurable support from NSC colleagues in the West Wing, particularly Wally Adeyemo, Tony Blinken, Suzy George, Avril Haines, Colin Kahl, Lisa Monaco, Denis McDonough, Michael Ortiz, Ben Rhodes, Curtis Ried, Loren DeJonge Schulman, Dilpreet Sidhu, Adam Strickler, Jake Sullivan, Anne Withers, and the amazingly talented and collegial White House senior staff. I am deeply thankful for the invaluable support of the NSC Systems who kept me connected 24/7 from literally every corner of the globe, especially Gary Bresnahan, Allen Jones, Will Reynolds, and Phillip Abenes, as well as all the extraordinary U.S. Secret Service agents on Point Guard detail.
I am very appreciative of the camaraderie, commitment, and invaluable contributions of the NSC Principals with whom I served as national security advisor, including Vice President Joe Biden, John Brennan, Bill Burns, Ash Carter, James Clapper, Martin Dempsey, Joseph Dunford, Michael Froman, Chuck Hagel, Eric Holder, John Kerry, Jack Lew, Loretta Lynch, Samantha Power, Penny Pritzker, Raj Shah, Gayle Smith, and their immensely talented, hardworking deputies who made all our work possible.
I remain deeply grateful to President Barack Obama for his confidence in me, his remarkable leadership of our country and the world, his calm, rational, and steady hand at the helm, and his enduring friendship.
At every juncture of my life, I have been blessed with the love and support of dear friends whom I will always cherish. In particular, I want to thank Hutchey Brock, Laura Richards Coleman, Trinka Roeckelein, Sarah Whitehouse, and Andrea Worden whom I first met in my early school days and who have stuck by my side every year since. Several other good friends from high school, college, and graduate school are mentioned in Tough Love, but there are many others too numerous to name who were powerfully influential and remain important to me.
From Beauvoir to National Cathedral School, from Stanford to Oxford, I salute the teachers and coaches who taught me not only vital knowledge and skills but also to adhere to the core values and high standards they instilled.
Tough Love has truly been a collective endeavor. My first cousins, Caroline Dickson and her husband Taft Broome, Valerie Dickson Horton, family historian Daryl Dickson, as well as my mother’s friends from Radcliffe, Kathy Sreedhar and Ellie Fuchs, and cousins and friends Cliff and Adele Alexander, were generous in sharing their recollections. My stepsiblings—Ben, Cate, and Craig Fitt—provided helpful memories and perspective. I discovered more distant relatives in this process who have also been generous with family history, notably Mildred Rice Jordan and Michelle Forrester Covington.
Tennis coach Karim Najdi and my trainer Aaron Gamble encouraged me every step of the way, offering unique insights while kicking my ass on a consistent basis.
For over twenty years, Adela Jimenez and Bertha Montiel have given our family their love, support, and invaluable assistance, and I could not have managed without them. Kadiatou Touré, Missy Moore, and Ticey Westbrooks kept both my parents going strong, providing me the confidence, strength, and sanity to keep serving to the best of my ability. I am eternally grateful to them as well as to each of my parents’ other caregivers.
In very different but vital ways, Elizabeth Jennings and my beloved late godmother, Peggy Cooper Cafritz, helped raise me and make me who I am.
My greatest debt, of course, is to my mother, Lois Dickson Rice, and father, Emmett John Rice, who gave me all the tools I needed to grow, thrive, and serve. Their unconditional love and support, their wisdom and example shaped me and guided my journey more than anyone else. My love for them is infinite and my debt to them immeasurable.
Above all, I must thank my devoted family. My brother, Johnny, traveled this journey every step of the way with me, as he has every stage of my life, contributing his far better memory than mine as well as his advice, criticism, and support. Andrea, Mateo, and Kiki Rice were wonderfully supportive as readers and cheerleaders.
I could not have written this book without the indulgence, selflessness, unrelenting support, and careful reading that my children Jake and Maris provided throughout this process. They were deeply generous in letting me tell a good deal of their personal stories. Each has made this a better book, as they have from the outset made me a much better person.
Finally, I could not do what I do or be who I am without Ian, my life partner, my forever love, and my best friend. Ian read every word of every draft and offered invaluable feedback. For two years, he gave me, as always, the space and the support—emotionally and practically—to live this project and complete it with him. No one deserves more credit for Tough Love and what comprises its ingredients than Ian. I can never thank you enough.