Lesson 5

Have Dignity and Respect for Yourself and Others

African people did not hear of culture for the first time from Europeans; their societies were not mindless, but frequently had a philosophy of great depth and value and beauty; they had poetry, and above all, they had dignity.

Chinua Achebe in Jayalakshmi V. Rao, Proverb and Culture in the Novels of Chinua Achebe

Perhaps the most crucial underlying principle of ubuntu is respect, both for oneself and for other people. It’s a simple idea. If a person respects himself or herself, they are far more likely to extend that to other people.

Let’s go back to my grandfather’s words: “We believe that a person is a person through other persons, that my humanity is caught up, is inextricably bound up, in yours. When I dehumanize you, I inexorably dehumanize myself.” By this logic, respect must begin from within.

However, isn’t “looking after oneself” – the idea of self-care – a selfish act? Is it the same as “looking after number one,” meaning that we are putting ourselves first, above all others?

Ubuntu has taught me this isn’t so. Ubuntu means believing in other people, regardless of who they are and what their role is in life. Everyone is the same and deserving of our respect. We don’t pick and choose the people to whom we show it. However, ubuntu also means believing in ourselves and showing ourselves respect too.

If we’re going to decide to live with ubuntu in our lives, we must look after ourselves. We have to give ourselves what we need on both a physical and mental level in order for our bodies and minds not only to attend to our daily business but also to have room for others.

This might mean that you need regular time to yourself to take stock and reflect; to be mindful and sit quietly. Or perhaps to eat healthily or exercise daily. Whatever self-care means to you, do it!

YOU CAN’T POUR FROM AN EMPTY CUP

Before an airplane takes off, the flight attendants always deliver advice on what to do in an emergency situation. They explain that if the oxygen masks drop down, because of a fall in oxygen levels at high altitude, passengers should always attach their own masks before trying to help others – including their own children – put on theirs. After all, if you pass out from lack of oxygen, what good are you to anyone else? And this applies to all aspects of life.

My mother learned this lesson the hard way. She brought up me and my brother, Mpilo, as a single mother, while working and being a committed activist for peace and race and gender equality. She is one of the most selfless people I know but rarely takes time out, and this lifestyle can leave her exhausted.

One evening in the early 2000s, her approach to the overbearing demands of a busy life changed. She was due to give a speech alongside the Northern Irish Nobel Peace Prize winner Betty Williams at a university, but everyone was running late. Their flights had been delayed and both Betty and my mother were being rushed from the airport to the hotel. They were then expected to be downstairs, ready to go on stage, as quickly as possible.

My mother was given thirty minutes to prepare herself. She set about racing around, changing her clothes and freshening up, and by the time she had run down to the lobby to announce herself, Betty had only just arrived. The organizers told Betty to hurry too, but she smiled and politely declined. She told them clearly and calmly that there was always time. She needed to collect herself, have a cup of tea – maybe a glass of wine. Very nicely she explained that she needed to feel fully rested to perform well and to give the best possible presentation. It was in everyone’s best interests.

My mother was impressed and remembers thinking, “Wow! People are able to say this and it’s OK?” This had not been how she had lived her life up until this point. However, she saw that Betty had come up with a solution that worked for her as well as for others, without putting herself last – an outlook that embodies the spirit of ubuntu. Respectful boundaries are needed so that we can look after ourselves and continue to give to others.

After all, nobody can be expected to pour from an empty cup.

This idea of self-respect being intertwined with respect for others is relevant on a larger scale as well as a personal one.

According to the World Health Organization, hunger is one of the biggest threats to human life on this planet, and adequate nutrition has always been a challenge facing the populations of many African countries.¹

A group of villages in Lesotho embodies ubuntu as it helps to feed the women living there, who then have the strength to spend their energy on feeding the village children – a thousand of them so far. A charity called Msizi Africa, set up by Lucy Herron in 2007, provides the food in this desperately poor part of the country. It believes that in order for children to grow up healthy and strong, and to reach their full potential, they need a nourishing meal every day as good nutrition is critical for development. The charity provides the women of the village with rice, chicken and fish, and leaves to them the preparation and serving. So far the women have served over 2.8 million meals this way.

This is just one example of lots of charitable work in which communities are helped to help themselves through education, feeding programs and seed funding for businesses. It’s ubuntu in action.

DON’T BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HELP

Seeking help doesn’t come naturally to many of us. Ubuntu means recognizing other people in yourself, yet turning to other people for assistance can sometimes feel like the hardest thing in the world to do. We worry that it might be viewed as a sign of weakness. It can feel embarrassing – revealing that we don’t know enough or don’t have the ability to do something. We fear feeling stupid or being seen as unable to cope. And we don’t know for sure how the person we’re turning to will respond. Pride or low self-esteem can lead us to pretend nothing is wrong.

Our world – or at least the Western world – is obsessed with the idea of individualism, the belief that personal needs are more important than the needs of society as a whole.² A joint study by the Universities of Waterloo and Arizona State, covering a fifty-year period, examined factors linked with individualism, such as family size, higher divorce rates and job trends. Led by behavioral scientists Igor Grossmann and Henri C. Santos, it found individualism first developed in the baby-boomer generation, and evolved alongside an increase in wealth and education in the United States.

The well-known phrase “pull oneself up by one’s bootstraps” underscores the messages of individualism in our culture and leads us to believe we should provide for ourselves, so people end up suffering because they don’t feel as if they can ask for help. At best we might turn to a self-help book or browse the internet for answers to our problems. Why do we find it so hard to turn to other people?

When I was at boarding school, the teachers encouraged students to ask for help, especially as we reached our teenage years, when life starts to get complicated. They told us, “We can only help if we know you’re struggling.”

Before people can help you, they have to see your need.

This invitation made it much easier for us students to speak up when things weren’t going well. It’s not always that easy to know that help is at hand, though. Many of us fear being rejected. When you’re feeling vulnerable and struggling, the last thing you want to hear is, “No, I can’t help you.”

Take heart, however. The reality is that many people like to help others. When a friend turns to you for advice, you likely feel flattered and want to do a good deed, don’t you? Helping others makes a person feel wanted, needed and good about themselves. So reach out and have a little faith.

THESE PEOPLE ARE TRULY PEOPLE

Dignity is empowering and enables us to recognize one another’s humanity. If someone acts in a dignified manner, it can have a bearing on the way they will be treated by others.

Respect goes hand in hand with dignity. My mother once told me the story of a butcher’s shop in the community in which she grew up in Soweto. On the face of things it was an ordinary shop, selling everything from chicken drumsticks to pork chops. What made it special, however, were the people who worked there. Every single person who walked in the door – young or old, black or white, rich or poor – received exactly the same welcome.

While other shopkeepers in the community ignored young kids and served adults first, this particular one treated everyone equally. They smiled, looked each customer in the eye and, with sincerity, asked them how their day was. Even if the person in front of the counter was knee-high, they were afforded the same respect as an elder. This was highly unusual at the time, but kids quickly picked up on how they were being treated as they ran errands for their parents.

People began to hear about the quality of customer care at this butcher’s and started to come to visit and experience it for themselves. They came to spend their precious money there, in the shop where ubuntu was part of the service. Customers would say, “These people are truly people,” as the owner and his staff embodied the philosophy of ubuntu in each and every human interaction.

When people have the gift of ubuntu they maintain this standard even on bad days, or in the most mundane situations. They respect themselves. They respect others.

LOOK BEYOND THE LABEL

When we afford dignity and respect to others we should try to avoid labels at all costs as they reinforce prejudices. Labels pigeonhole us and subdivide us into categories, which can be difficult or impossible to shake off. A person is more than what society “says” they are.

Recently, in the United States, the phrase “a person who is experiencing homelessness” has become more common, rather than “a homeless person.” Anyone experiencing homelessness is first and foremost a person. They are not defined by their situation. Their homelessness may be long-term or short-term, but it is not all there is to know about them.

Stigma is also often attached to labels. Survivors of rape or domestic abuse, for example, often feel shamed by their experience, and there is still prejudice in different regions of the world toward people living with AIDS.

When describing someone, be mindful of the label you are placing upon him or her – consciously or unconsciously – and what it might mean to them and therefore to you. Look beyond what you might first see.

Dignity gives us space to be ourselves. It means we feel valued in the world – valued for what we believe in, for our work in or out of the home, and for our place in society.

Often it’s a vocation, passion or mission that affords us this privilege. A passion or a vocation is a blessing but whatever it is we do, believing in it, doing it with pride and to the best of our ability fosters that sense of dignity.

Over the years I have had dealings with Virgin, a company run by my grandfather’s friend businessman Sir Richard Branson. At Virgin they have a philosophy when it comes to their workforce: “Train people well enough so they can leave, treat them well enough so they don’t want to.” Their ethos is to afford staff enough dignity that they feel well treated, and as a result will be more productive. And it works. Virgin Unite gives employees the freedom to work remotely where they want – you could spend a week in Berlin or Ibiza. These employees continue to deliver excellent work wherever they are in the world because they have the expertise needed to do their job and the trust of their employer.

THE PEACE DIGNITY CAN BRING

Sometimes the essence of ubuntu and the dignity it brings can be found in the most unexpected places. When we adopt the spirit of ubuntu anything is possible.

Following the Ebola crisis of 2014 in Sierra Leone, families were not allowed to bury their dead. The authorities were worried about contagion and spreading the disease further. However, leaving the dead unburied or piled into mass graves went against cultural beliefs. It also made the pain of losing loved ones even harder to bear. This led to families hiding the bodies of their relatives or trying to inter them in unsuitable ground. Eventually, charities such as CAFOD stepped in to help organize burial teams, so families could lay their loved ones to rest with dignity.³

The need for dignity also extended as far as bringing together religious leaders. Priests worked alongside imams to organize proper funerals for the victims of the disease. The suffering of the families came first, and their grief was afforded the space and dignity it deserved.

Dignity in death became a big issue for my family when my grandfather’s prostate cancer returned and he fell seriously ill. He wasn’t expected to survive long. He thought the end was nigh and was very vocal about his beliefs in maintaining his dignity if he were to face his dying day.

For him, there is no self-respect left if you are suffering unbearably and coming to the end of your life, yet provided with no choice but to continue suffering. Thankfully, it wasn’t my grandfather’s time then and although the cancer is recurring, he continues to fight his illness. However, in 2016, on his eighty-fifth birthday he wrote an article about his wish to have the option of assisted death when his time does come.⁴ Two years previously he had also written in The Guardian that, “Just as I have argued firmly for compassion and fairness in life, I believe terminally ill people should be treated with the same compassion and fairness when it comes to their deaths.”

Dignity gives us peace. If a loved one dies in dignified circumstances we can feel comforted, despite our grief, knowing they might have suffered less.

Whatever is happening in your life, giving yourself and others dignity and respect provides comfort and empowerment. It can make you feel better in uncertain times and help you to see the bigger picture – that when people have their dignity they feel empowered, and empowered people empower more people in turn. It’s what we all deserve.

When “help me” feels an impossible ask, think about this:

1. Most people love helping others. It’s flattering to be asked for help, and by reaching out for assistance everyone feels less alone, because we all – whoever we are – face problems in our lives. Challenges and upsets exist for every living, breathing human being, often on a daily basis. Sharing our struggles is part of our humanity.
2. Step outside yourself. If you find it hard to ask someone else to be your friend, try to be your own friend. Write down your problem and then imagine someone else asking you for help to solve it. What would you say to them? You could also find an organization or charity that might assist you. Online forums can be very useful too, as they can give us help anonymously if we feel unable to speak out loud about any difficulties we might be facing.
3. Know you are not alone. Unless you have arrived from another planet there isn’t a single other human being who has not encountered a problem similar to yours. Help will be out there.

What do you need to bring dignity into your day? Each day, most of us need to eat wholesome food, do some kind of exercise (even if it’s just a walk), feel a sense of community by talking with others, and have a purpose in order to feel at our best. If we aren’t able to meet our basic needs, it’s harder to afford ourselves respect and dignity.

Recognize what makes you feel better or worse. When unhappiness sets in, and you feel dissatisfied with life, it’s often accompanied by a sense of restlessness. You can end up reaching outside yourself for distraction of any kind, often fueling unhealthy habits. In the hope of cheering yourself up, you might find yourself shopping for things you can’t really afford, looking up a former partner online – someone you should steer clear of – or scrolling mindlessly through social media. All to fill a gap. Recognizing these moments and taking stock of your behavior and motives before you do something that will make you feel worse is key. Whether it’s deleting social media apps on your phone or going for a long walk in nature, often taking ourselves out of the situation can provide immediate relief.

Your opinion of you is what matters most. A phrase often attributed to former first lady of the United States Eleanor Roosevelt is, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” It’s a quote you can find displayed on the walls of schools, for example, intended to inspire young minds. If you suffer from low self-esteem, though, it’s very tough to have a high opinion of yourself – it’s difficult not to feel inferior.

Our internal voice then often mirrors our experiences in life. If your everyday outlook is negative and you approach life expecting the worst, it’s far more likely that others will respond negatively to you, and your life experience will become a negative one. It then becomes a vicious circle. By contrast, if you like yourself, you are more likely to see the good in others and they’ll see the good in you. We were all born with a purpose before people were able to form opinions of us. Take care of yourself. Focus on your positives. Learn a new skill. Connect with people who love you.

To escape the negative cycle of self-criticism:

1. Recognize you’re caught in a cycle. Whether we are criticizing our appearance every time we look in a mirror (“I’m so fat/I hate my double chin/I hate my wonky teeth”), our role in life (“My job is so low paid/I’m bored staying at home with the kids/I’m a low achiever”) or our self-esteem (“Nobody likes me/I hate being anxious”), we can talk negatively to ourselves without realizing it, and it can dominate our internal monologue. This destructive self-talk creates an image of ourselves that’s hard to break unless we recognize we’re doing it in the first place.
2. View your negative self-image as a flame. The more you fan the flame (by criticizing yourself), the more the fire burns. It’s time to dampen it with positive talk. Look in the mirror and decide on something you do like about yourself. Think of the lovely things your friends have said about you in the past, or think of a successful moment from your life. Small steps lead to bigger ones.
3. You have the power to break the cycle. Spot your triggers. Do you feel worse at certain times of the day (in the morning rush or when you’re tired in the evening)? If so, change your routine. Note down positive affirmations (my personal favorite is “what is coming is better than what has gone”) and stick them around your mirror to read as you get ready in the morning, write in a gratitude journal every evening before bed, walk to work along a different route for a change of scenery, or go somewhere different on your lunch break. Even avoiding people who drain your energy is acceptable if you want to break your cycle. Simply being mindful of how your reality is distorted by negativity can be the start of change!
4. Be kind to yourself. Whenever I used to feel bad about myself or spoke about myself in a negative manner, my mother would tell me to be nice to her daughter because she thought her daughter was pretty great. Now, when a friend talks about herself to me in a poor way, I ask her to please be nice to my friend because I think very highly of her. Step outside yourself and see the good.