Lesson 12
Find the Humor in Our Humanity
Laughter does wonders for the heart.
African proverb
We all love to laugh. It makes us feel better. It’s good for our heart health, it reduces stress hormones and boosts feel-good ones, and it also creates bonds. If you make someone laugh, defenses are shattered and connections are made. It is the very essence of ubuntu.
In our darkest times, sometimes only humor can lighten the mood. Humor allows us all to breathe out a little; to change the narrative and the pace of any conversation or situation, especially if it’s one of conflict.
In her role as a public speaker, my mother once met Mairead Corrigan Maguire, who was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 1976, along with Betty Williams, for their work fighting for peace in Northern Ireland. As part of a group, my mother and Mairead were taking a bus to a peace conference in Colombia, and were upset to find armed guards with automatic weapons on the bus with them.
Sitting in uncomfortable silence, it was hard for the peace activists not to feel disturbed by the armed presence, until Mairead spoke out in a tone filled with amusement: “Anyone else think it’s a little weird we’re off to a peace conference guarded by men with automatic weapons?” This little line transformed the atmosphere on the bus instantly from one of tension to one of levity.
My mother tells me that she sees humor in many of our great leaders. Mairead, as an example, couldn’t change the situation she found herself in, but she could encourage others to acknowledge and laugh at it. My mother also tells me that many people filled with ubuntu have a “well of joy” inside themselves. They look and find the light side of life – whatever the circumstances. To see the joy in any moment is a practice we can all learn.
THE LIGHT SIDE OF LIFE
My mother is one of four children. She has two sisters, Thandi and Mpho, and a brother, Trevor. My grandparents were determined their children would have a good education, so my mother and her siblings were sent to boarding school because, at the time, the South African government only provided black children with a Bantu education. This was a racially segregated system involving poorly run schooling and served the interests of white supremacy.
The laughter of a child is the light of the house.
African proverb
However, my mother hated her boarding school, as did her older sister, and whenever it was time to say goodbye to their family – at the end of a holiday – they would cry or retreat inside themselves. My grandparents would soon have them laughing again, though. The Tutu family are masters at finding the humor in difficult situations.
My grandmother Leah would make up ridiculous stories about passersby as they embarked on the long journey to their boarding school, so the girls’ tears or silence quickly turned to laughter. She knew their situation couldn’t be changed but she wanted to make them feel better. As hard as Leah found the separation from her children, it was the best decision she and my grandfather could make. To ease the suffering, all they could do was find laughter in the moment.
Finding humor in a difficult situation – especially in bleak times when we feel helpless, such as the death of a loved one or the diagnosis of a terminal illness – becomes our last defense. We can lighten the darkness even for a few precious seconds with a wry joke, witty comment or silly thought.
Just like love, a sense of humor is something we can foster. We say, “see the funny side,” because whatever is happening there’s always a funny side if we look for it. This is especially true when we can’t fix a situation or find a solution to a problem. Humor gives us a chance to feel better, despite it all, and it can be a brief reprieve from pain.
WHERE THERE IS NO EXIT, HUMOR IS A WAY OUT
My grandfather has always been a professional when it comes to breaking the ice with humor. He used to have many jokes up his sleeve for different occasions.
When asked what it took for him to become a Nobel Laureate, he’d say, “A big nose and sexy legs!” before roaring with laughter at his own joke. My mother tells me how he used to make fun of how ridiculous apartheid was, basing everything on the color of people’s skin. He would say, “It would be like me deciding I am going to judge people based on the size of their noses. Obviously, since I have a big nose, the big-nosed people would be the better people!”
Laugh as much as possible, always laugh. It is the sweetest thing one can do for oneself and one’s fellow human beings.
Maya Angelou
My grandfather has never shied away from trying to make people laugh, no matter how tragic the situation. Following the genocide in Rwanda, he visited the region to give a speech to a mixed group of Tutsis and Hutus. These people had been sworn enemies, and everyone in the room had lost many loved ones. For them all to be together, for the first time in a long time, must have been a challenging experience.
My grandfather chose to defuse the tension with a joke everyone could relate to, and told a story about the big-nosed people who excluded a group of small-nosed people. Slowly, the crowd caught on to the fact he was talking about the facial distinctions between Hutus and Tutsis, and the joke broke the tension in the room. Whether you poke fun at yourself or create relatable fun at somebody else’s expense, it bursts a bubble. Tension is defused and remains so.
During South Africa’s anti-apartheid struggle, my grandfather attended the funerals of many people who had been killed in protests or by the police. Often, these events turned into political rallies with huge tensions engulfing them, especially because big gatherings of any nature were banned. Time and time again, my grandfather made jokes to crowds to help create a bond with the audience before his speech.
“I am asking the government to join the winning side,” is something he would often say. A comical statement, given he was speaking to a people who were living under the burden of repression, and yet still he was calling them the winning side.
He would also joke about race. Once, at a funeral in Johannesburg, he told a joke many might not have dared to deliver; one he has repeated many times since, about God creating human beings. He would explain how God molded men from clay before placing them in a kiln, as if he were making bricks. He put in the first batch, then became busy with other work and forgot all about what he was making. When he remembered what he was doing, God opened the oven in a panic to find the clay had turned black, and this is how he made black men. When he put in the next batch, he kept checking the time, as he was overly anxious not to overcook them again. On this occasion, he opened the oven too quickly and the second batch came out undercooked. This is how he made white men.
The crowd found this concept very amusing and many people admired his chutzpah at telling a joke about racial division at such an event. His humor put people at ease and gave them a way out of the high tension and emotion of the moment.
THE UNIFYING FORCE OF LAUGHTER
They say laughter is the best medicine, and simply hearing someone laugh can be infectious – no pun intended. Science has shown how important laughter is to our relationships too. One study revealed that humans have evolved to laugh as it sends a “secure, safe message to others.”1 After all, it’s possible to fake a smile, while laughter is more involuntary and therefore authentic. If someone is laughing you are less likely to view them as a threat.
With authenticity at its heart, humor can be used to inspire and lead others. During his role as chairman of the Elders, my grandfather put humor to good use during challenging times while chairing meetings. The group he was working with was like no other. It included former presidents, human rights campaigners and peace activists. These people were among the most prominent and well-respected individuals in the world. So how does one even try to manage such a gathering?
For most people it would have been an intimidating experience, but my grandfather always used humor to get his point across. If a former president walked in late, he would ask them loudly, “Do we need to buy you a watch?” Or, if someone interrupted a fellow speaker, he would play on his belief in God. “Do you want to go to the hotter place later on?” he’d chide. Equally, if someone deserved serious praise, he would respond, “I may recommend you for a place in heaven.”
Humor can make us laugh at ourselves as well as with others. It’s the ultimate leveler. If we are in a room and all of us laugh together at the same thing, we experience a precious moment of happiness together, regardless of who we are.
Africa has a long history of using humor to defuse tensions, as is seen in its proverbs.
The monkey who tries to see the hunter clearly collects bullets in its eyes.
Congolese proverb
However much the buttocks hurry, they will always remain behind.
Cameroonian proverb
He who thinks he is leading and has no one following is only taking a walk.
Malawian proverb
HUMOR TO SAVE THE DAY
Poet Dumi Senda, who now also works as a global diversity coach and consultant, tells the story of how he once used humor to defuse a potentially volatile situation at a peace conference in Sarajevo to which he’d been invited to speak and share his poetry. He had been warned by contemporaries to be mindful of walking around alone in the city, as very few ethnic minorities live in the region. A black face might attract unwanted attention, he was told.
After a successful conference, Dumi embraced the spirit of ubuntu and went for a wander into the nearby town. Almost instantly he found himself attracting attention. He couldn’t walk a few meters without someone asking for a selfie, with many locals declaring openly that they’d never seen a black person before. He was even mistaken for Jay-Z, which made him laugh.
Before long, a crowd gathered and began to ask him questions: “Is it true Africans live in trees?” “Is it true Africans walk around naked?” Dumi’s natural reaction was to feel offended. Were these people being racist? Were they ignorant? He chose to swallow his defensive response and flip the impending tension through the use of humor.
“Yes,” he replied, laughing. “Africans sometimes live in trees, just like some Europeans live in tree houses.” He also joked that Africans do walk around naked . . . in the shower, as do Europeans.
The crowd quickly understood that his jokes were at their expense and they broke into laughter. They acknowledged that they’d been drawn into holding incorrect, stereotypical views of black Africans and Dumi accepted a drink from them in a local bar. What could have become an angry standoff turned into genuine camaraderie.
We can cry. We can rage. We can sink into a depression. But, sometimes, laughing in the face of a difficult situation is the best antidote. Laughter gives us back control, however briefly. It brings respite and, at times, relief. Humor also allows us to show our humanity, because it’s an attractive quality that lifts all our spirits. We gravitate toward people who make us laugh for good reason.
Turn a situation around by finding the funny side. Think of a time when something really embarrassing happened to you. Then retell the story to someone you know – choose that friend with a contagious laugh (we all have one) – as if it’s nothing more than an amusing anecdote. That’s when the funny side of your experience should reveal itself. Use this reflection whenever something irritating or out of the ordinary happens, when you’ve faced something that has thrown you. It could be when something you own breaks unexpectedly, or when you find yourself in a situation that’s out of your control or has majorly inconvenienced you. Little things sent to try us can often elicit a laugh. Choose to laugh when you can.
Learn to laugh at yourself. Self-acceptance is key when it comes to being able to do this. If you take yourself too seriously nothing seems funny, but if you learn to view yourself and others in a lighthearted way, humor often follows. We will all go through many similar experiences during our lifetimes. Identifying our own humanity and sharing it with others is what ubuntu is all about. Having a sense of humor helps us to live longer too – a seven-year study carried out in Norway revealed it increases the probability of living into retirement.2 Laughter is, quite literally, a lifesaver.
Seek out humor. Whether it’s watching more comedy on TV, going to a stand-up gig, or hanging out with witty friends, exposing ourselves to humor helps us to see the funny side of life more often. This exposure is especially important if we don’t come from a family where there’s a lot of humor. It’s possible to develop the ability to laugh more freely, and we should try to do so whenever we can. The more we try, the easier it becomes – and the more joy it brings.