Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
—Dale Carnegie
In the previous two chapters, we looked at strategies of assertive behavior and how to plan and prepare for encounters in which you’ll act assertively. Then we spoke about approaches that you can put into action when you’re face-to-face with another person or a group. Now, and in the rest of the book, we’ll focus on using assertiveness to attain specific results in your dealings with other people. In this chapter we will focus on the first of the essential people skills, assertive rapport building. We will see what it takes to connect with another individual. We’ll be looking at two elements in particular: self-confidence and the ability to build interpersonal rapport.
Building self-confidence and assertiveness is probably a lot easier than you think. Most “nonassertive” people don’t want to transform into excessively dominant individuals. When most people talk about being more assertive, what they really mean is:
• Becoming better able to resist the pressure and dominance of aggressive people
• Having the ability to stand up for their own beliefs
• Being able to maintain control in important situations
Pure assertiveness—dominance for the sake of being dominant—is not a desirable trait for most people. An aggressive, pushy personal style tends to be driven by some insecurity. Most people know this and it’s not something they admire or want for themselves. Still, anyone seeking to increase their own assertiveness should understand the typical personality and motivation of excessively dominant people, who incidentally cause the most worry to nonassertive people.
It’s essential also to understand the distinction between leadership and dominance. Real leadership is inclusive and proactive. It does not dominate nonassertive people. It includes them and it involves them. Dominance as a management style is ineffective in almost all circumstances. It is based on short-term rewards and results, mostly for the benefit of the dominant leader, and it fails completely to make effective use of what team members have to offer.
Bullies are a specific type of dominant people. Deep down, they are very insecure people. They dominate because they are too insecure to allow other people to have responsibility and influence, and this behavior is generally conditioned from childhood for one reason or another. The dominant bullying behavior is effectively reinforced by the response given by “secure” and “nonassertive” people to bullying. The bully gets his or her own way. The bullying dominant behavior is rewarded, and so it goes on.
On its own terms, bullying works—at least until it doesn’t. Bullies are generally concerned with satisfying their need to get their own way, to control, to achieve status, to manipulate, make decisions, build empires, to collect material signs of achievement and wealth, and especially to establish a protective mechanism of “yes-men” followers. Early childhood experiences usually play an important part in creating bullies, who are victims as well as aggressors. Although it’s a tough challenge for anyone on the receiving end of their behavior, bullies actually deserve sympathy.
Nonassertive people normally do not actually aspire to being excessively dominant people, and they certainly don’t normally want to become bullies. When most people talk about wanting to be more assertive, what they really mean is “I’d like to be more able to resist the pressure and dominance of overly aggressive people.” Doing this is not really so hard, and by using simple techniques, it can even be quite enjoyable and fulfilling.
Nonassertive people should understand where they really are starting from. Nonassertive behavior is often a sign of strength, not weakness—and it is the most appropriate choice for many situations. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that you always have to be more and more assertive.
Understand where you want to be. What level of assertiveness do you want? Chances are, you’re mostly interested in protecting and defending yourself and others, not in projecting your will onto the world.
For people who are not naturally assertive, it is possible to achieve a perfectly suitable level of change with a few simple techniques, rather than trying to transform yourself into a fundamentally different kind of person. Here are some user-friendly tools for developing self-confidence and more assertive behavior.
Know the facts relating to the situation and have them at hand. Do some research. Most overbearing people fail to prepare their facts; they try to dominate through bluster, reputation, and force of personality. If you know and can produce facts to support or defend your position, it is unlikely that the aggressor will have anything prepared in response. When you know that a situation is going to arise over which you’d like to have some influence, prepare your facts, do your research, do the math, get the facts and figures, solicit opinions and views, be able to quote sources. Then you will be able to make a firm case and also dramatically improve your reputation for being someone who is organized, firm, and appropriately assertive.
Anticipate other people’s behavior and prepare your responses. Role-play in your own mind how things are likely to happen. Prepare your responses according to the different scenarios that you think could unfold. Identify other people who may be present to support and defend you. Being well prepared will increase your self-confidence and enable you to be assertive about what’s important to you.
Prepare effective questions of your own. Asking good questions is the most reliable way of gaining the initiative. Questions most disliked by dominating individuals are deep, constructive, incisive, and probing—especially if the question exposes a lack of thought, preparation, consideration, or consultation on their part. For example:
• What is your evidence (for what you have said or claimed)?
• Whom have you consulted about this?
• How did you go about looking for alternative solutions?
• How have you measured (whatever you say is a problem)?
• How will you measure the true effectiveness of your solution if you implement it?
• What can you say about different solutions that have worked in other situations?
And don’t let yourself get brushed aside. Stick to your guns. If the question is avoided, return to it or rephrase it.
Recondition your reactions to dominant people. Try to visualize yourself behaving in a firm manner, armed with well-prepared facts and evidence. Practice saying things like “Hold on a minute—I need to consider what you have just said.” Also practice saying “I’m not sure about that. It’s too important to make a snap decision now.” Don’t cave in for fear that someone might shout at you or have a tantrum.
Have faith that your own abilities will work if you use them. Non-assertive people are often extremely strong in areas of process, detail, dependability, reliability, and working cooperatively with others. These capabilities all have the potential to undo a dominating personality who has no proper justification. Recognize your strengths and use them to defend and support your position.
Developing a personal rapport will not only makes business dealings more fun but can also serve as the foundation for mutually beneficial interactions.
Rapport is not necessarily a word we use every day, but we’ve chosen it carefully here because it refers to something very specific that happens between people. Here’s a dictionary definition of rapport: “an emotional bond or friendly relationship based on mutual liking and trust, and a sense that wants, needs, and concerns are mutually understood.”
At the outset, let me call your attention to four words in the definition you’ve just read. The words are mutual liking and trust. Words like that don’t often enter into discussions of business success or negotiating strategies. More frequently, we’re used to hearing about power or intimidation. There may be a place for those qualities in the business world, but they don’t come under the category of people skills.
Some of the rapport-building topics we’ll cover in this chapter may seem obvious, but pay attention. You’d be surprised how many people set up interpersonal obstacles without even knowing it.
When a new person comes into your life, whether by chance meeting or formal introduction, how do you decide what you’re going to say and do? Actually, for many people this isn’t a decision at all. They just play it by ear. They present themselves to one person pretty much the way they’ve done with others. Their people skills in this respect are a matter of habit more than anything else.
Changing that is the first step toward assertive rapport building. Assertiveness is the opposite of passivity, and continuing to do what is comfortable can be a form of passivity. So, when you first meet someone, don’t take anything for granted. Realize that new acquaintances may know nothing about you, and you should not assume that you know anything about them. Of prime importance is the understanding that people have diverse upbringings, backgrounds, and value systems. With a new person, therefore, be very careful about voicing any strong personal opinions you might have, especially of a negative nature. Ask open-ended questions, maintain eye contact, and be a good listener. Be positive in every respect and make a sincere attempt to discover shared values or common interests. Show that you’re glad to meet this exciting new individual. And, most important . . . smile!
The positive effect of having a smile on your face may seem obvious, but smiling is so crucial to building rapport that we need to spend a moment focused on it. Literally from day one of a person’s life, seeing a smiling human face elicits a hugely positive reaction. This is something that’s hardwired into our consciousness. It’s universal. It’s eternal. So just do it!
It may surprise you to hear this, but as with other forms of assertive behavior, you should practice your smile. That’s right, stand in front of a mirror and see how you look. Pay attention to your eyes. Are they congruent with your smile?
The amazing thing about smiling is the effect it will have on you as well as on anyone you meet. When the muscles of the face contract in a smile, the experience is reflected in the production of neurotransmitters in the brain. By looking and acting happy, you can literally make yourself feel happy. There’s just no way to overstate the importance of smiling as a rapport-building action. It’s probably the single best thing you can do to connect with others and have people drawn to you. People like to be around happy and energetic people.
While you’re smiling at your new acquaintance, why not try to say something complimentary in a genuinely good-natured way? There’s an art to doing this, and once again, you’ll get better with practice. It doesn’t have to be anything personal. If you’re meeting someone in a new city, you might say something about what a good time you’ve been having. If it’s the other party who’s come to your hometown, say something of a welcoming nature. If you’re greeting a new employee to your firm, make a sincere remark about how glad you are to have them aboard. If you’re meeting with someone in their office, find something to praise on their wall or on their desk. You’ll find the right thing to say once you really commit to saying something positive about the other person.
As you’re doing this, make sure that he or she can hear you. In other words, speak up. You don’t have to yell, but be sure to speak clearly and articulate your words. The truth is, many people speak too softly and with too little energy or passion in their business conversations. There are many possible reasons for this. Maybe they don’t want to come across as an overbearing personality. Maybe speaking in a quiet voice helps them to feel calm. Maybe they think this is a good way to prevent confrontations from developing. All those ideas make perfectly good sense, but are they real choices or are they just habits? Your normal vocal intonation is probably too soft. That may not matter too much in most situations, but be aware of your tendency. When you need to, be ready to change it assertively.
As an assertive person, you should know how to vary your voice quality to build rapport in different situations. You need to pay attention to volume, pace, and inflection. Once again, these should be conscious choices, not just habitual behaviors.
You should also pay attention to what you’re saying as well as to how you say it. The fact is, the way you talk will determine the way you are perceived. What you say is often a reflection on how well you listen, and how you say it reflects upon your image. The ability to express yourself clearly, powerfully, diplomatically, and tactfully is essential to building rapport in an assertive way.
As an extension of this, don’t be afraid to stand up for your ideas, even if this causes some disagreement with others. Just be aware of the difference between being argumentative and being assertive. Differences of opinion are not a bad thing and can even be a healthy and positive growth experience, as long as they don’t turn personal. The purpose of assertive disagreement is to find solutions to problems, solutions that both parties can agree on. That kind of winning scenario builds much better rapport than simply giving in to another person’s opinion or forcing them to agree with yours.
When you’re called upon to give praise or feedback, it’s a good idea to think carefully about what you’re going to say and to make your comments as specific and constructive as possible. This makes your praise more genuine, and it prevents criticism from sounding like a general indictment of someone’s character. For example, it’s better to say “I was really impressed with the way you handled that customer, by listening to her argument instead of interrupting” rather than to say “You’re quite good with difficult people.” The second comment is so general that it doesn’t provide specific feedback about what was done well. In the same way, “In looking at our production schedule, I see that you missed the deadline for that report” is more effective than “Your time management skills are terrible.” Again, the second statement is too general, subjective, and attacks the person.
Always follow praise or criticism with a word about the reasoning behind your comments. A good rule of thumb for giving people constructive criticism or feedback is to first check your motives and be sure you are not being manipulative. People need to know where you’re coming from if you expect them to be motivated to action. For example, after you say, “You missed the deadline for the report,” you might want to add, “Perhaps it’s because you’ve been spending more time on telephone sales than we anticipated. Let’s discuss how you can allocate your time in future.”
In any case, never use positive or negative comments as a way of manipulating people into doing something for you. Don’t try something like this: “You are the most hardworking member of the department and I really appreciate the effort you put in for the meeting this afternoon. Maybe you could write up the minutes for me?” Whether they let on or not, employees instantly see through that kind of tactic. It undercuts everything you’ve already said, and it makes whatever you might say in the future much more difficult to believe.
As long as we’re on the topic of how to build rapport through what we say about others, we should certainly look at the importance of what we say about ourselves. Assertive people know how to speak well of themselves without appearing boastful. There are many effective approaches for doing this. A great way to compliment yourself, for example, is by complimenting others first. If someone tells you he went to the University of Michigan and you say, “Wow, that’s a great school,” he’s probably going to ask you where you went. That’s when you can respond, “Harvard!” or “Slippery Rock!” or whatever the case may be. So a rapport-building objective has been achieved. You’ve made someone else feel good, and you’ve gotten to feel good in return.
When you’re speaking about your own accomplishments, resist the temptation to embellish or dramatize the facts. Emphasize the hard work and effort that others put into helping you achieve the goal. If in fact you are the one who closed the big deal, you’ll be recognized for your accomplishment, even if you give credit to others. In fact, you’ll gain trust, credibility, and respect by sharing the glory.
Since we’ve spent this much time on the subject of how to speak, we should also say something about the power of silence. Silence can be a great rapport-building tool. Just as what you say can help you develop rapport, what you don’t say can also be of great benefit. Assertive and confident people understand that.
Without a doubt, you’ve been around people who seem to have a fear of silence. It’s a dread of what might happen if every single second isn’t filled up with speech of some kind. There may also be an element of not wanting to seem antisocial or unfriendly. But remaining silent occasionally isn’t the same as refusing to participate in a conversation. Especially in a business setting, silence doesn’t equate with anger or impulsively clamming up. Appropriate silence, assertive silence, means purposefully choosing to be quiet, listening with full attention, and making the decision not to speak unless you know the purpose for doing so.
Regarding the importance of silence, what you wear is one of the best ways of making a statement without words. Just as in other areas, there’s a difference between looking too passive, looking too aggressive, and dressing with proper assertiveness. If you blend in with the business environment in which you are surrounded by wearing appropriate attire, building rapport tends to come more easily.
There’s a very interesting concept that pertains to all the topics we’ve been discussing in this chapter—how you speak, how you dress, whether you smile or have a gloomy look on your face. This concept is something that psychologists refer to as a leak. In terms of human interaction, a leak is a behavior that reveals something about a person that the person had been trying to keep hidden. Stealing a glance at your watch, for instance, is a leak. You may have been trying to give the impression that you were listening closely to what another person was saying, but if you look at your watch (and get caught at it), you’ve leaked the fact that you can’t wait for the conversation to be over. A confident and assertive approach might be “I hate to cut our meeting short, but I have another meeting in just a few minutes.”
The way people behave toward one another can be categorized in three ways: passive, aggressive, and assertive. And the choice is always yours.
If you tend to act passively, then you may be seeking to avoid conflict, often at the expense of your own needs.
If you tend to act aggressively, you may go to the other extreme and escalate conflict in an attempt (not always successful) to get your own needs met.
Most people would agree that usually it is best to avoid both these extremes, if you can, and act assertively—it’s best to express your own needs and wants, not hide them, but to do so in a way that is reasonable and that allows others the opportunity to communicate their wishes and feelings too.
If you are in a relationship or a work situation where you feel that your needs are not being met or that the other person is acting in a way you don’t like, then it will usually be helpful to express your feelings and thoughts assertively rather than to conceal them passively or to express them too aggressively.
Following are some specific tips for preparing yourself before entering into a conversation, discussion, or negotiation with someone where you want to try to get the other person to act in a different way or treat you differently.
1. Write down in advance an outline of what you intend to say to the other person.
2. In the outline, describe the situation or behavior that is creating a problem for you and that you would like the person to change.
3. When describing the situation, be specific and give examples of when the behavior has occurred.
4. Avoid using exaggerations or generalizations. Be honest and keep your description as straightforward and simple as possible.
5. Express your thoughts and feelings about the situation, acknowledging them as your own thoughts and feelings rather than expressing them as a general truth.
6. Ask for reasonable changes from the other person that would help to improve the situation for you.
7. Listen to what the other person has to say in response—without necessarily agreeing with it.
8. If there is a “win-win” situation where a change in the other person’s behavior—or yours—will benefit them as well as you, try to explore that possibility with them.
9. If there is no win-win situation, then decide beforehand on the minimum outcome you need. Be prepared to negotiate a solution between the minimum and the maximum that you would like.
10. Focus on areas where you might compromise. Think of suggestions that you might make to the other party about what you would like in return from them if you compromise on those aspects.
11. Be clear in your own mind as to what the consequences will be and what you will do if your minimum is not met by the other person.
12. If the person is willing to change their behavior toward you in a constructive way, is there something that you can reasonably offer to do for them in return?
13. In light of your relationship with the other party and your knowledge of them, give some thought in advance to what style of approach is most likely to encourage positive responses to your position. Will it help for you to be encouraging and constructive and try to engage in a joint search for solutions? Or will it be more productive if you take a firm stance from the outset, indicating absolutely clearly what you want and what will be the consequences if your wishes are not met or at least are not met in full? The best style of approach may vary for different situations.
14. When, where, and how do you want to approach an issue to give yourself the best chance of getting a constructive response from the other party? For example, in most cases you will want to raise the subject at a time when everyone can give full attention to the discussion without distractions.
15. While you are looking for a good time to raise the topic, don’t put off the moment forever! The perfect time will probably never happen. If you find yourself delaying too much, then select a specific time or occasion to raise the matter and keep to your commitment.
Right now, think of a person in your working life with whom you feel a real sense of rapport. It can be a colleague or a supervisor or someone with whom you have management responsibility. There are many reasons why you may feel this way. There are lots of things you may like about that person, but in a business setting it’s very difficult to like people unless you also respect them. For this reason, respect is a fundamental element of rapport.
As with other aspects of assertiveness, respect depends on knowing who you are and where you stand in an organization. There are no one-size-fits-all answers. For example, there are books that will tell you that you should never answer your own phone calls at work and that doing so will make you look unimportant. Instead, you should have an assistant screen your calls. In fact, you should have an assistant do a lot of things, such as scheduling, sorting mail, answering emails, and writing routine memos. Other books say that people gain respect by picking up their own calls or answering their own email. Building self-respect, as well as gaining respect, have everything to do with respecting others, knowing what works best for you, believing in yourself, and feeling comfortable with your individual style.
To show that you’re a respectable person, be assertive in implementing the following steps. They’re especially important when you are in the early or middle stages of your career.
First, maintain a busy schedule. Most successful and influential people are busy, well read, involved in several projects, have many contacts, and are always networking. As a person of credibility and respect, you should rarely be idle. When you find something that you are passionate about doing, getting involved and keeping busy will come naturally.
Second, show that you’re a person of respect by placing yourself in important settings. Make an effort to attend a select a number of high-profile events and functions. People who know how to build rapport naturally like to be around other people. They like to see and be seen. They like to network; they enjoy being in the loop. One thing is for sure: You won’t build rapport if there’s no one around to do it with. So, assert yourself in the direction of socializing within your professional community.
Third, make an effort to spend time in the company of successful and well-regarded people. Take a sincere interest in them, both on a personal and professional level, and learn as much as you can from them. This can help you reach the next level as well as make a lasting impression on others. Who you know says a lot about who you are. When you learn to build rapport with successful individuals, you’ll be amazed by the number of people who will want to build rapport with you.
Next, think carefully about your workspace and how it looks. It’s important to have a neat office, not just for the sake of appearance but because it will actually help you get more done. With respect to office furnishings and accessories, make “less is more” your guiding principle. In fact, with the introduction of new communications technologies, it could be argued that the importance of having an office at all has radically diminished. Tom Peters, one of the most influential business writers of the past fifty years, advises managers to spend as little time as possible in their offices. As Peters makes clear, the way to build rapport is by walking around and talking with people. Ask yourself what’s the most assertive stance you can take with respect to your office.
As you can see, there’s a lot to know about how to build rapport. Some people have this talent naturally, while others learn it by trial and error. For some, mastering this process can take years. As an assertive person, of course, you don’t have much time to wait. In the next chapter we’ll look at some exercises that can improve your rapport-building skills in the shortest possible time.
ACTION STEPS
1. The ideal description of your business relationships would be “mutual liking and trust.” Make a list of all the significant relationships in your business life. Which fall under that category? More significantly, which do not? What action steps can you take to shift those relationships to reflect better communication and understanding?
2. How well do you speak of your own accomplishments? Do you tend to shy away from speaking openly about yourself? Do you tend to exaggerate your accomplishments? Test yourself by asking a friend to listen as you discuss those things about yourself that you are most proud of. Then ask your friend for honest feedback. Ask them were you too embarrassed? Too verbose? Ask them how you might improve this skill. Then continue to practice listing your accomplishments in a way that is self-assured and confident.
3. Many people are uncomfortable with silence. Are you? If so, the next time you are in a conversation, make note of the silent moments. Try to stretch them and find comfort in them. Repeat this exercise frequently until you find yourself more comfortable with silence. Write about any insights that you gain by practicing this exercise.
4. The four steps to gaining respect in the business world are:
1. Have a busy schedule.
2. Place yourself in important settings.
3. Spend time in the company of successful, well-regarded people.
4. Keep a neat workspace.
Do you follow the four steps above? Which do you need to work on? When and how can you begin to improve that area of your life? Write out an action plan.
5. Respect is key. Make a list of all the attributes that you most respect in yourself. Then make a list of those that you need to work on and develop an action plan. Now think of someone whom you struggle to respect. Take some time to write out a list of attributes that they have that you do respect. Then focus on those attributes, and make note of any changes you have when engaging with them after doing so.