I declare or state clearly my intention.Talk is a voyage with a purpose, and the purpose must be charted. A person who starts out going nowhere usually gets there.
—Dale Carnegie
It is no secret that the ability to communicate well is an essential people skill. That’s always been true. But what’s involved in good communication is always changing, especially in corporate settings. Years ago, for example, there were far fewer women in the business world than there are today. Communication was largely a male-to-male experience. Now, however, in a much more diverse workplace, there are many new issues to be aware of in all forms of business communication. What’s more, constantly evolving new technologies such as email, voice mail, text messaging, and cell phones have created new categories of communication. These technologies have hugely increased the pace and efficiency of business contact, but they’ve also expanded the possibilities for mistakes and misunderstandings. We’ll be looking at these changes and many other related topics in this chapter and in the one that follows.
In this chapter our discussion will focus on the third essential people skill, assertive communication—specifically, speaking. We will share principles and applications that address one-on-one encounters as well as meetings and presentations. In chapter 12, we’ll concentrate on assertive listening. Listening is definitely one of the most undervalued people skills, and it deserves a chapter of its own.
In any field of endeavor, there’s an important difference between participation and competence. Someone may be able to speak the English language, but this doesn’t mean that he can be effective as a professional speaker. Another person may be capable of writing complete sentences, but that alone won’t enable her to get a book published. With this distinction in mind, the first step toward effective, assertive communication is understanding that this really is a skill. Just talking is not communication, nor is just writing. These are areas that require attention, practice, and continuous improvement. They take work, especially when you’re just starting to realize the importance of good communication to your success in a management role. It may surprise you to realize that even seemingly casual conversations should be handled carefully in a corporate setting. So often, something is said in an informal context, and only later does it become clear that this was the cause of a misunderstanding.
In general, most business conversations are not planned; they more or less drift along. As a leader, you need to strike a balance between friendly communication and efficient, assertive sharing of information. If you’re planning on a more formal conversation for a significant purpose, you’ll first need to clearly identify that purpose in your own mind. Then you’ll need a plan for achieving it in a face-to-face encounter. True, some people are good at “thinking on their feet,” but this is generally because they already have a clear understanding of the context and their own goals. Most of us need to plan, however, and as you do so, here are three key points to bear in mind.
First, you need to make sure that your message is understood.
Second, you must understand what is being said to you, even if the speaker is not an especially good communicator. We’ll have much more to say about this element when we discuss the topic of assertive listening.
Third, you need to maintain control of the conversation. Make sure the necessary points are addressed, and pertinent questions are effectively addressed. Needless to say, all this should take place within a reasonable time frame.
In order to understand how these points can be satisfied, we need to look at what actually takes place when people talk with one another. It’s much more of a creative process than you might have realized. The process includes not only understanding what is actually being said but also grasping the speaker’s motives, his implicit but unspoken messages, and any irony or sarcasm that could run completely counter to the explicit meaning of the words. In short, there’s a lot going on when people try to communicate. By using easy-to-follow, unambiguous language and a clear tone of voice, you can make it easier for others to understand exactly what you’re thinking, feeling, and wanting. This is equally valuable whether you’re trying to solve a problem with a team member or expressing appreciation or concern.
Carefully planning how you express yourself might appear to take a great deal of time, but in the long run it’s worthwhile. This is true especially when you factor in the time required to unscramble misunderstandings and to work through the feelings that usually accompany not being understood. When you do this, you’ll see that expressing yourself more carefully can actually save you time and perhaps save money for your company as well.
If you observe people in conversation, you’ll begin to notice that human communication typically leaves many things unsaid. It depends on the listener to fill in the missing-but-implied information. For example, an assistant may say to an executive, “Your two o’clock is here.” If we rely only on what’s being directly said, this statement makes no sense at all. Of course, the assistant means, “Your client who made an appointment for two o’clock has arrived in the waiting room.” Of course, the executive understands the abbreviated message, and most of the time, this process works very well. In situations of change, ambiguity, conflict, or intense deadline pressure, however, the “shorthand” way of speaking may not work at all. There are several reasons for this.
For instance, your listeners may fill in a completely different set of details than the one you intended, or they may not understand the significance of what you are saying. They may get only some of the details and miss the big picture. Perhaps without actually intending to mislead anyone, you may leave out important elements because of the reactions you think they will elicit. Since misunderstanding can be very costly both personally and professionally, you need both to help your listeners by giving them a complete picture in language that doesn’t confuse or mislead them.
Research has shown that there are five main tools that your conversation partners can use to re-create your experience inside their minds. The more elements you provide for them, the higher the probability that your listener’s re-creation will match the message you wish to convey. Let’s look at the tools one by one.
TOOL 1: Stick to the Facts
First, what have you seen, heard, or otherwise experienced that you want to convey to your listener? Here it’s important to stick to just the facts. What happened, or what didn’t happen? When did it happen, or when was it supposed to happen? For example: “I got your memo this morning about the new client in Florida.” Or, “I haven’t yet received the report on the latest customer survey. I think we agreed that was due last Thursday.”
TOOL 2: Share the Feelings That the Facts Elicit Within You
Second, what feelings do the facts bring out in you? Obviously, in a business setting, you’ll be dealing with a relatively narrow range of emotions. You might be pleased about something that’s happened, excited about something that’s going to happen, or disappointed about something that you thought would happen but didn’t. An example might be “I’m really happy that you handled the situation so smoothly” or “When a shipment gets lost like this, I begin to lose confidence in the way we fill our orders.”
TOOL 3: Share What You Are Experiencing
Third, what interpretations, wants, needs, memories, or anticipations of yours support those feelings? Once again, a business conversation is different from delivering a toast at your daughter’s wedding. There’s no need to become emotional, but you can and should share some of what you experience as a leader dealing with many different people and projects. If your company is having problems with a new voice-mail system, for example, you might mention that the savings that result from an automated system might not really be cost-efficient. If potential clients become frustrated with talking to a machine and hang up, at could be a good argument for having a live phone receptionist. You might mention the fact that more business is lost because of an unsatisfactory phone experience than for any other reason.
What action, information, or commitment do you want now? This is really the key segment of the conversation. This is what you’ve been leading up to, and this is where you want to be an assertive communicator in the best possible sense. It’s best if you introduce what you’re going to say in a more or less formal manner, which will make clear to the listener that this is the time to pay attention. The best way to do this is with a very simple phrase: “May I make a suggestion?” There’s simply no better way to say it. In fact, if you always say “May I make a suggestion?” it will almost become a conditioned reflex for team members to perk up their ears. Then you’re in a position to give a directive in a very positive context, because you’ve asked permission to do so.
TOOL 5: Include a Benefit-Oriented Conclusion
Finally, always include a benefit-oriented conclusion with any suggestion you might make. A typical sequence could go something like this: “I’m glad to hear you were able to close that sale over the phone. It’s really much more efficient to do that than to have a face-to-face meeting. May I make a suggestion? When it looks like the client wants a live sales call, ask if you can handle it over the phone, provided of course that your relationship with the client is already well established. If you can do that, your commissions are bound to go up, because you’ll be making more sales in a shorter period of time.”
This five-part template is a hugely powerful tool for effectively assertive business conversations. It’s so simple and logical, yet very few people are able to discover it on their own. Many times, managers lead off with point number two (the feelings that are being aroused in them), and can often do so in a very inappropriate manner. This is especially true when the feelings are negative. “I get really angry when something like this happens!” In one form or another, this phrase is spoken literally thousands of times every day in companies across the country. But what does it really convey? The emphasis is on what the manager is feeling, while true masters of leadership emphasize the business issue at hand.
These five assertive conversation tools can be very effective, but they’re not all that is required in effective of one-on-one business communication. It’s always a good idea to ask for confirmation that what you’ve said has been clearly understood. It’s also a good idea to ask in a diplomatic way for any reservations or objections. The truth is, those objections are almost always present, but they won’t surface unless you ask for them.
When speaking, you can make an effort to deal with any objections in advance by adding information that will make your message better understood. By the same token, when others are speaking, you should deliberately ask questions to establish the context of their thinking. If there are no questions on the part of either you or your listeners, there’s a good chance that the communication will be less than ideal.
This is a really important point. As managers move up the corporate ladder to senior executive positions, it’s easy for them to believe that everyone admires and agrees with them. Ideally, this is in fact the case, but it may also be that team members are simply afraid to speak their minds. As a leader, you should assume that people have something to question or add to what you’ve told them. If those opinions are not made available to you, you should likewise assume that you have not successfully completed the conversation. In this sense, an assertive business talk is like a sales call. Unless the customers’ objections are brought to the surface, buyer’s remorse will almost always set in and there may be negative repercussions later. So don’t let your ego convince you that everything has been understood and accepted. In fact, you should operate on the opposite assumption.
Once you’ve heard the objections to your message, you should use a basic technique of interpersonal dynamics. That is, you should repeat and confirm what you’ve just heard. Once again, there’s a very simple way to move toward this in one sentence. Just say, “Let me be sure I understand what you’re saying.” Then repeat what you’ve just been told, not word for word, but in a slightly different form. Rephrase what your team member has communicated in a way that shows you’ve heard it, understood it, and thoughtfully evaluated it. Keep in mind also that it’s not always necessary to deal with objections at the very moment that you first hear them. Give yourself some time to respond in the best possible way. The first thing you need to do is to bring the objections to the surface. The second is to show that you understand them and take them seriously. State your message, ask questions that bring out objections, and then make sure that you understand and respect them.
If, in your judgment, a conversation has dealt with substantial issues, take the time to make a written record of what transpired and email it to the appropriate parties. Surprisingly, this is almost more important for encounters that take place at the water cooler than for full-blown meetings in a conference room. Sometimes very important decisions are made spontaneously and with little fanfare. New ideas can be introduced. Seeds can be planted that, if handled correctly, can develop into important projects.
Writing an email message in this context is one of the best uses of the new information technologies. It’s a way of quickly creating and circulating a reminder. While it may not become tremendously significant, there’s always a chance that it might. There are other benefits as well. Your email can provide or ask for further clarification. In other words, is this what we discussed and agreed upon? And in writing down your thoughts, you may recognize questions or omissions that were overlooked in the initial conversation.
Even if you use all the tools and techniques we’ve been discussing, there are still times when conversations will turn into confrontation and conflict. Let’s face this reality very directly by looking once again at what assertiveness really means. To assert, according to one dictionary, means “to declare or to state clearly.” This should always be your aim. Assertiveness doesn’t mean winning. It doesn’t mean scoring more conversational points. If people argue with you or even lose their tempers, just remain calmly assertive. As you do so, here’s a two-part template you can use for guidance:
First, acknowledge what is being said by showing an understanding of the other party’s position, or simply rephrasing it, as we discussed earlier. In the context of a heated discussion, this is a polite way of saying “I heard you already.”
Then state your own point of view clearly and concisely, with a little supporting evidence. Be careful not to provide too much supporting evidence, however, as you don’t want to come across as if you were building a case in a court of law. Now state clearly what you would like to happen next. This is a way of moving the discussion forward rather than continuing to fight it out on the same ground.
No doubt there will be times when a very forceful argument on your part will bring about a positive outcome. But there will also be times when this will get you nowhere, particularly with people who don’t want to listen. Sometimes these individuals will be subordinates, but often you’ll find yourself stonewalled by senior management. If that’s the case, you should agree with the decision of the senior manager, but you should also make your objections and your reasons clearly known. If you think you’re in the right, say so. Allow your team members the same freedom. Always be open to the possibility that someone who disagrees with you might be correct. If events prove this to be the case, then acknowledge that fact gracefully.
If and when you have a difficult encounter, be professional. Don’t lose your self-control, even if you want to make it appear that you’ve done exactly that. If you deliberately seem to lose your temper for effect, make that a conscious decision. Remember that insults are fundamentally ineffective. Calling people names is just distracting. They are unlikely to listen to what you have to say. In the short term you may feel some satisfaction or excitement, but this comes with the price of a prolonged and intensified argument.
As a corollary, it must be emphasized that profanity should not be a part of assertive communication. This is less an issue of morality than of simple human nature. If certain words are included in a conversation, particularly with an angry tone, those become the hot words, the only words that the listener really hears. In this sense, profanity actually undermines the content of your message and, of course, to many people it’s truly distasteful or even offensive. Instead of reacting immediately and saying something you might regret, take a step back and postpone your reaction.
So far we’ve focused on spoken communications between one person and another. For the balance of this chapter, we’ll look at group communications of the kind that occur in meetings and presentations.
In any company, meetings are a vital part to the assignment of work and the flow of information. Meetings are the vehicles for gathering resources from many sources and directing them toward a common goal. However, meetings are widely disliked. Most people feel they are usually futile, boring, time wasting, dull, and inconvenient.
As a leader, your challenge is to break this perception and to make your meetings effective. As with every other significant form of communication, meetings should be planned ahead of time, carefully directed while they are in progress, and reviewed afterward for what went well and what could be improved upon. Really, a meeting is the ultimate form of managed conversation within a business setting. If you can gain a reputation for holding decisive, effective meetings, your team members will value this efficiency and will prepare well so that their contribution will be heard. At the same time, your supervisors will take notice of your work in this difficult area.
Attendees
For any meeting, the first question is always, Who should attend? Be strict! A meeting loses its effectiveness if too many people are involved. If someone insists on attending, explain that it’s not really necessary and politely but firmly dissuade them. Usually, most people are only too happy to be released from another meeting.
Duration
How long should you plan for the meeting to last? It may seem difficult to predict the length of a meeting, but you must try to do so. Conversations tend to fill the available time, so if the meeting is open-ended, it will drift on forever. You should designate a time for the end of the meeting so that everyone can plan the rest of the day with confidence.
Make the time limit for the meeting known in advance to everyone who will attend, and remind the attendees at the beginning of the meeting. Often there’s a tendency to view meetings as a time of relaxation, since no one person has to be active throughout. You can change this view by emphasizing the time limit: “This is what we have to accomplish, and this is how long we have to get it done.” If an important new topic arises unexpectedly during the discussion, stay with the planned agenda. The new topic should then be dealt with at a separate meeting.
Agenda
The purpose of a meeting agenda is to inform participants of the subject of the meeting in advance and to structure the discussion of the meeting itself. To inform people beforehand and to solicit ideas, circulate a draft agenda and ask for comments. Then create a revised agenda and get it back to the participants as soon as possible.
The final agenda states the purpose of each section of the meeting. There should be an objective for each section. If that objective can’t be summarized in a few points, it is probably too complex. The purpose of the meeting should be sufficiently precise that it can be summarized in a brief heading at the top of the printed agenda.
Coordinating Contributions
While the meeting is in progress, as the leader and facilitator you must assertively coordinate the contributions of everyone present. The degree of control that you exercise over the meeting can vary throughout. If you start things off on the right foot, a meeting can run itself, especially if the participants know each other well. You must always be ready, however, to step in to complete the meeting objectives.
The purpose of a meeting may suggest a specific way to conduct the event. For example, if the purpose is to share information, the meeting might begin with a formal presentation followed by questions. If the purpose is to seek information on how to deal with a specific issue, it might start with a short statement of the problem and then progress to an open discussion or brainstorming session. If the goal of the meeting is to arrive at a decision of some kind, the group might review the options, establish the criteria to be applied, agree on how the decision should be made, and then proceed to make it. Bear in mind that the success of a meeting often depends on the confidence level of the participants. All pertinent ideas should be welcome. No one should be laughed at or dismissed, and even weak ideas should be treated seriously. All these guidelines should be diligently followed in the spirit of assertive communication and good people skills.
In closing this discussion of spoken communication and people skills, it’s interesting to note just how basic this issue is to human success. The biblical story of the Tower of Babel is a good illustration. It depicts a civilization’s attempt to construct an edifice so tall that it could actually reach the heavens. The Bible tells us that the project was a success. The tower was getting higher and higher with no sign of slowing down. This, of course, was not the way that mankind was ordained to enter Paradise, so the Creator brought the project to an end. That did not require bolts of lightning or an earthquake, however. The Creator simply introduced the idea of language into the world. People could no longer understand what they were saying to one another, and progress on the Tower of Babel came to a halt.
While you may not think of your company as a medium for getting to heaven, it is a collective enterprise that depends completely on good communication. If you and your team members can’t share ideas in a proactive and supportive manner, nothing else really matters. Failure to communicate spells doom for any shared enterprise. On the other hand, literally anything is possible when people are able to work together. Keep this in mind whenever you speak with your team members, and you can accomplish more than you ever imagined.
ACTION STEPS
1. We often assume that we are communicating effectively and that our directives are understood. This is not always the case, however. For the next week, check your communication skills by verifying, with those to whom you have communicated, that the message received was the message you intended to deliver. You can do this by simply asking them to repeat what you just said for clarification purposes.
2. When communicating, ideally you should incorporate the following five tools to your presentation repertoire:
Tool 1: Stick to the facts
Tool 2: Share the feelings that the facts elicit within you
Tool 3: Share what you are experiencing
Tool 4: Define what you want
Tool 5: Include a benefit-oriented conclusion
Take some time to write out a presentation, ideally one that you can use at an upcoming meeting. Then go through the five tools above to ensure that you have applied all five to your speech. Then make note of any new findings that you discover in response to the presentation and its effectiveness.
3. Dealing with conflict constructively in the workplace can be difficult. Which of the following areas could you work on to further develop your conflict resolution skills? Place an X or check beside those areas that you feel require some additional attention, then devise a plan to develop those skills and integrate them into your daily routine.
I declare or state clearly my intention.
My agenda is not to win but to score more conversation points.
I remain calmly assertive.
I acknowledge what is being said by showing an understanding of the other party’s position.
I state my own point of view clearly and concisely, with a little supporting evidence.
I state clearly what I would like to happen next.
When necessary, I agree to the decision of senior management.
When necessary, I make my objections and my reasons clearly known.
I am open to the possibility that someone who disagrees with me might be correct.
I remain cool and do not lose my self-control.
I do not insult or call people names.
If I have a difficult encounter, I always behave professionally.
ACTION PLAN NOTES