Aries North Node People

and North Node in the 1st House

SPECIAL GIFTS THEY BRING TO RELATIONSHIPS

          A loving spirit

          Cooperative nature

          Interest in the other person

          Diplomacy

          Fairness

          A value for peace and harmony

          A giving nature

MISCONCEPTIONS THAT BLOCK INTIMACY

          “Part of my purpose is to create harmony in my relationships.”

          “If I’m a nice person and make everyone happy, then I will get love back.”

          “Since I’m stronger than others, it’s up to me to carry things until the other person gets stronger.”

          “If I create harmony in my relationships, I will feel inner peace.”

          “If I put the other person first, they will reciprocate by putting me first.”

          “If others see who I am, they may not like me.”

          “Other people’s image of me affects how I am.”

          “In a true partnership, people do most things together.”

COMPLAINTS OF THEIR PARTNERS

          “They are too needy of my energy and attention.”

          “They don’t make their own decisions.”

          “They’re very manipulative.”

          “They’re co-dependent; I don’t have any space to myself.”

          “They try to take responsibility for my moods.”

          “They measure what I do for them against what I do for others.”

Co-Dependency vs. Independent Self-Identity

Aries North Node people have had many past lives in the position of being the support person for someone else—their mate, their children, their business partner, etc. Over time, they began to identify themselves as being part of a team, and became dependent on the flow of nurturing energy created in the womb of their relationships.

As a result of keeping their focus on the other person, the native has negated their own personal life force and lost touch with their own individual spark. After many incarnations of this pattern, their innate desire for growth and self-discovery became dormant.

Although this co-dependent pattern may have worked for them in the past, in order to help these natives heal this unresolved pattern of co-dependency in this lifetime, the flow of reciprocity in relationships isn’t working in the way they expect. This is the Universe’s way of telling them that they need to grow stronger as an individual, and reclaim their own independent identity. Only then can their relationships become truly satisfying.

Due to so many lifetimes of conditioning, these people still tend to believe that their personal happiness is dependent on keeping the other people in their relationships harmonious and happy. But this old pattern cannot produce the results they want; in the end they don’t feel loved or happy. In fact, until they become conscious of this co-dependency, they don’t know how to partner with self and do things on their own that support their individual happiness and personal growth.

Until they gain awareness, Aries North Node people may act out co-dependent tendencies in many ways. Because internally they feel like they can’t make it on their own, they’re always on the lookout for others to partner with, and they tend to try and jump into co-dependency dynamics very quickly. Also, they often behave in ways that lead the other person to think they aren’t competent enough to function without them. They may say things like: “I really can’t do this, will you do it?”

Instead of taking responsibility for their shortcomings and doing something to correct them, the native expects others to compensate for them. They tend to try to set things up so that anything they don’t want to take responsibility for is their partner’s responsibility. This blocks intimacy because eventually the other person starts to feel resentful. The truth is that the native CAN be completely functional and responsible, but subconsciously they want their partner to do certain things for them—and vice versa—in order to create the co-dependency.

In a healthy, mutually interdependent relationship, the partners also take on certain responsibilities for each other, and may even make up for some of each other’s deficiencies. The important difference is that both people consciously agree to the arrangement as two separate individuals. For instance, if one partner enjoys cooking but hates shopping, and the other enjoys the experience of shopping but isn’t a very good cook, they may agree to divide these tasks accordingly.

Instead, Aries North Node natives try to totally enmesh themselves in the other person’s world: They revolve around their partner’s concerns and want to do everything with them. Then they usually attempt to coerce their partner into also revolving around their concerns and sharing in their activities—shopping, visiting parents, running errands, etc. They are trying to establish reciprocity by giving too much and then pulling on the other person to give back. But this is not true giving—it’s more like an insurance policy to guarantee that they will always be included as part of the team.

On an unconscious level, Aries North Node people think that this is the correct path to establish fulfilling relationships, but co-dependency ends up having the opposite effect. If they’re not really “standing in their own space,” they can’t receive the love and appreciation that their partner gives to them. As a result, they don’t feel like they truly belong. They give, and they’re part of their partner’s world, but when the other person doesn’t do what the native wants, they may feel hurt and resentful because the other person isn’t reciprocating in the way the native expected. And it blocks intimacy for their partner, because when they feel the native’s resentment, they tend to pull back in order to protect themselves.

Aries North Node folks have no sense of self—they want to be part of the other person’s identity instead of discovering their own. Their energy is so invested in their relationship with the primary people in their life that sometimes—in order to keep the energetic connection going—they can become very controlling. They feel that as long as they have the other person “captured” in a relationship—whether it’s good or bad—they have a sense of identity.

This control issue can extend to thinking they know what’s best for their mates, their parents, their children—everyone! They think people should do what they tell them because—in their mind—they so clearly have the other person’s best interest at heart. However, because they are so enmeshed in the identity of others, they unknowingly get confused between what would make others feel more harmonious and what would make them feel more harmonious. They are also concerned that the behavior of those who are close can reflect badly on them, and feel responsible for their actions. So if their child (even as an adult) exhibits a misbehavior, they are afraid that others look down on them as the parent.

This co-dependency can be very draining for the other person. Those who are close often feel there’s no breathing room with these natives. Although they may like feeling needed and wanted, they resent having to constantly push the native away just to get some space. And the native feels like everyone is pushing them away all the time and they don’t understand why.

This dynamic blocks intimacy for both people: When the native tries harder to please the other person and enhance the co-dependency, it makes their partner feel like they need to create more distance. If the other person tries to take some quiet time alone to recharge, the native may take it personally and act like their partner is trying to avoid them. They tend to feel threatened by their partner’s independent growth and development. But the best partnerships are created when the partners can share what each has learned individually. Then as each person grows as an individual, the more they have to offer the partnership.

However, until these natives become conscious, they can be so needy that it feels like an abyss to the other person. And without their partner’s constant energy the native may feel lost and invisible. But the truth is that they will never feel really “seen” until they learn to see themselves. And the way they can begin to do this is by spending time alone, outside of the relationship.

So when their partner starts distancing themselves—a signal that they need more space—the relationship and the native will benefit from giving them that gift. In fact, time spent with themselves is the only way these people can start to discover themselves and reconnect with the fountain of independent energy within.

Creating Internal Harmony vs. Keeping Others Harmonious

Aries North Node people tend to be sweet and selfless and usually feel that it is part of their purpose—and their responsibility—to support the “team” and create harmony in their relationships. As a result, they focus on making everyone else happy—their family, friends, employees, etc. But what tends to happen is that over time, others can come to expect the native to be responsible for their harmony, even at the native’s own expense.

These natives are practicing selfless behavior in the extreme, which can encourage unrealistic expectations and lack of reciprocity in their partners. In fact, they often attract narcissistic partners. Because of their co-dependent tendencies, if the native thinks that the other person wants them to do something, they may do whatever it takes, even if that means sacrificing what they need to do for themselves.

However, eventually the native looks around and realizes that there’s no reciprocity and they aren’t getting their needs met. Then they feel sad and angry because they think they’re being used. Even though they give others the impression “All I need to be happy is for you to be happy,” it really doesn’t work if the other person doesn’t give back to them.

Aries North Node people can only resolve this issue when they are willing to recognize that it’s NOT their job to make everyone else happy. Relating in a healthy way as an equal would mean saying: “If you’re not happy, I’m sorry.” Then they could do others the honor of acknowledging them as a separate person and allowing them to be responsible for their own happiness. The native also honors themselves when they do what they need to do in order to be personally happy.

These folks are learning that when their harmony is disrupted due to the way someone is treating them, then their approach to that person needs to change. It may be that they need to raise their voice or otherwise firmly let the other person know what they expect in the situation. They are finding out how to support others in being responsible for learning their own lessons. Whatever the other person is experiencing is a direct result of the energy they are putting out, and only by having to deal with the effects himself or herself can their partner grow and change.

The native is also responsible for their own process of self-discovery, and part of that is noticing what does and does not work in the way they approach their relationships. For example, one client with this nodal position had a small business. Wanting to create harmony in the workplace, he was very supportive of his employees—praising them for their work, handling situations where he felt they were upset, and going out of his way to be fair with them.

Over time, their egos began to surge and they became disrespectful. He finally realized that it was his business, and he was paying them to SUPPORT HIM, not the other way around. Once he became willing to accept responsibility for his own harmony, he told them what he needed to happen in the workplace. He let them know that he wanted a positive atmosphere, with no gossiping or negativity, and he wanted the customers treated with respect. Those employees who were willing to support his goals remained, and those who wouldn’t or couldn’t were replaced. The result was that his business began to thrive, and my client again felt harmonious.

Aries North Node people tend to value harmony above all. Consequently, they try to prevent those who are close from experiencing disharmony. They are learning that not everyone has harmony as their primary value. For instance, the other person may value internal conflict as a stepping-stone to gaining new insights and finding a higher resolution.

Generally, if the other person is upset for any reason, the native feels resentful. After all, they went out of their way to help the other person feel harmonious and their partner isn’t cooperating! This dynamic blocks intimacy. Their partner feels violated because they don’t have the space to be upset, and the native feels violated because they ignored their own inner harmony in order to help their partner feel harmonious—and now they’re upset anyway!

Since these people think the other person has to be harmonious in order for them to be harmonious, they often conceal the truth about how they feel, not saying anything that would hurt their partner’s feelings. However, this blocks intimacy because the other person can’t trust them to tell the truth about how they feel and what they really want in the relationship. Because of this insecurity, their partner may begin to withdraw. The other person would much prefer that the native be honest so they could work problems out together—as equals. This would build true harmony in their relationships and allow the possibility for intimacy to be created.

However, until these natives build a stronger personal identity and start taking responsibility for maintaining their own inner harmony, they usually stay constantly tuned in to the other person, monitoring their moods. This makes it difficult for their partner to simply experience themselves without the native being in their space. Sometimes the other person just wants to be left alone rather than being “changed” in order to meet the native’s needs for harmony.

The unconscious, underlying issue is that Aries North Node people often live vicariously through their significant others. If their partner is upset, even if it has nothing to do with them, they take it personally. If their partner starts to cry, they cry—there are no boundaries. The other person ends up feeling that it’s not okay to be upset because it’s so upsetting to the native.

One reason people want to partner with another is so they can share their individual feelings, thoughts, and experiences and help each other grow. For example, the exchange could be as simple as the native just telling the other person: “When you yell and scream like that, it’s upsetting to me”—rather than trying to appease them. By giving them an honest reflection of how their expression is affecting the native, they can help their partner to gain greater self-awareness.

However, in order for this to occur the native must let others be themselves and take responsibility for their own moods. The idea is for them to spend time alone to discover what they’re feeling as a separate individual. Then something new will happen. Maybe they’ll notice that what they felt when they thought their partner wasn’t harmonious was that they felt out of harmony themselves.

Once the native becomes aware of their own internal state, they can experiment with honestly sharing their feelings with their partner. For instance: “I’m feeling confused today—how are you feeling?” If their partner is also experiencing confusion, it may just be a current mood in the atmosphere. And by each sharing their own individual experience, both of them can end up feeling better.

Replacing Rigid Concepts of Fairness with Realistic Acceptance of Self and Others

Aries North Node people tend to sabotage themselves and their relationships due to their ideas concerning “fairness.” They think that others are like them, that everyone “plays fair”—and when others aren’t fair, they often have trouble sticking up for themselves. This is partly due to past lives where they served as peacemakers and diplomats, keeping the peace at any cost.

In this lifetime, their innate sense of diplomacy can lead to repressing their urge to assert themselves in their own best interest. If they can’t see how to deal with something diplomatically, they may just walk away rather than risk a confrontation.

For example, an Aries North Node client was approached by a seminar leader, who invited her to come as a guest and said, if she liked it, she could be part of the team giving the seminar. However, at the end of the evening, he asked her to pay for the seminar. Instead of saying anything, she went ahead and gave him the money. However, after that, she never returned his phone calls, even though she had liked the seminar and it would have been a good business opportunity for her.

Other issues arise around “fairness” when the native isn’t clear in terms of his wants and needs in his relationships. Then, if others don’t meet his expectations, he may decide they aren’t being fair, and present a list of demands in an angry way—taking the other person by surprise. A more successful approach is for the native to be up-front about their needs for support at the beginning of a relationship, and to honestly express needs as they emerge.

For example, before hiring a new employee, the native might say: “Two important values for me are punctuality and a positive work environment. So I need you to be on time every day and maintain a positive attitude. Is this something you can do and are willing to do?” If the employee initially agrees and then falters, instead of complaining that the new person isn’t being fair, the native needs to take him aside and remind him that if he wants to keep his job, he needs to honor their agreement.

Another issue is that Aries North Node people often neglect to determine if they and the other person are able and willing to meet each other’s needs before becoming deeply involved. Some basic things that a person wants in a relationship are not negotiable, and some people’s needs are just not compatible. Discovering this requires clear communication right from the beginning, and can prevent a lot of strife.

For instance, I had a client with this nodal position who went with her husband to a marriage counselor, who asked them both what they wanted in the relationship. My client said: “I want more intimacy,” and her husband answered: “I want to be left alone.” If she had been willing to realistically accept who her husband was and what he wanted, they could have each moved on with their lives at that point. But my client got stuck in the idea of how “unfair” it was that her husband wouldn’t give her what she had been giving him, so they went through five expensive and painful years of counseling before ending their marriage.

These natives can be very “tit for tat” in their giving and in comparing themselves with others, and this unhealthy orientation to fairness can lead to manipulation. For instance, an Aries North Node child might say to her parents: “If it were Bobby or Sally, you’d let them do it!” Or when one client says no to babysitting for her Aries North Node daughter, the daughter says: “Well, okay, Mom, but you spend a lot more time with my brother’s son than you do with mine.” My client has her own life. She’s always happy to babysit when she’s free, but doesn’t like feeling manipulated. So when her daughter responds this way, it blocks intimacy.

These people may even be jealous of the attention the people they’re close to give to others. Another client’s Aries North Node husband is jealous of the attention she gives their children. He measures it by the amount of time she spends with their children—he doesn’t think he gets his “fair” share. This dynamic blocks intimacy: The native feels resentful and usually begins withholding from their partner to get even; and the other person pulls back because they don’t like feeling controlled and manipulated.

This is a self-sabotaging habit, because instead of experiencing what others do for them, the native tends to stay lost in their mental comparisons. This just reinforces the notion that others don’t value them and “life isn’t fair,” because in their relationships the only thing they think is fair is if the other person gives the native exactly what the native is giving them.

However, this takes the spontaneity and joy out of giving. It makes others feel obligated to give to the native in specific ways, when they might like to reciprocate in a different way that’s more natural for them. And the native can’t experience the joy of receiving in their hearts if in their minds they are always watching to see if the other person is being fair.

Aries North Node people are learning the value of noticing how the other person is reciprocating, to avoid feeling like the relationship is all one-sided. As they release rigid definitions of fairness they can gain a clearer awareness of whether someone is reciprocating in their own way, or not reciprocating at all. In the first instance, the native can choose to grow by being open to accepting who the other person is and what they are giving, and by authentically letting them know what else they want or need in the relationship. And if someone isn’t reciprocating, the native needs to put aside the unrealistic hope that the other person will somehow “catch on,” and actively teach them about reciprocity.

Being assertive about their immediate needs is a good place to start: “Look, I need some help here.” They are also learning to communicate authentically about what kind of reciprocity they want on an ongoing basis to find out if the other person is able and willing to meet their needs. By taking the risk of revealing what they want, either way the native wins. If the other person’s response shows they really aren’t interested in giving back, then the native knows to stop giving to that person. However, if it’s just that the other person didn’t understand about reciprocation or didn’t realize what the native wanted, it opens the way for them to do their part so that the relationship can be enriched with a flow of love and nurturing energy.

Taking Action Based on Personal Desires, Instinct, and Self-Discovery

Aries North Node people usually look happy—they’re always trying to please others and keep things harmonious. They may have a smile on their faces, but inside feel miserable. When their lives are only about others, it makes them sad on a deep inner level. They keep suppressing their own instincts in order to be “nice,” but their relationships will never yield the joy they seek until they become separate and enact their own individual identity.

These natives don’t want to be totally enmeshed in a relationship. Sometimes they even gain excess weight, unconsciously creating a barrier so that others don’t get too close. It’s very difficult for them to figure out how to maintain their own individual identity within the context of a partnership because they’ve been co-dependent in so many past lives.

Their belief that “I don’t know who I am or what I want” is NOT the truth. It’s just that this awareness has been dimmed from turning their back on themselves to give to others over the course of many past incarnations. However, to gain their independence, the idea is to stop being so busy creating co-dependent energy with others and take time to focus on discovering and developing their own interests.

Ideally, these folks would wait until they feel strong in their own identity before becoming involved with a significant other, since these are the relationships where co-dependency is most likely to develop. And when they do become involved with someone in this way, it’s best to go slowly so they can stay in touch with themselves and maintain their identity as the relationship progresses.

It is through spending time alone that Aries North Node people can reconnect with their inner core and learn to recognize and trust the correctness of their own instincts. And by following these spontaneous impulses, they can learn the process that others already know: how to express their identity by taking action based on trusting their own instincts. Once these folks become aware, they will start to recognize in the moment when an inner impulse arises—thus experiencing further self-discovery as the process of life unfolds.

Sometimes the native fears to share their spontaneous desires with others because they think that if they state what they want, they will be stuck with it forever. They are learning that “wants” are often instantaneous and temporary. One minute someone wants to see a certain movie, then another movie looks more interesting and they change their mind. It’s normal. And even with major commitments, it’s not unusual to negotiate new agreements over time as situations evolve.

However, until these people gain the habit of connecting with their instincts “on demand,” they aren’t always aware of what they want in a specific situation. And when they experience indecision, it’s easy for them to fall back into focusing on the other person and going with the flow of their desires. For example, if the native wants to go out to eat, they would probably have their partner choose the restaurant. If the other person asks them to choose, the native will tend to imagine what their partner would like and voice that as their own preference. Eventually, these unnecessary compromises chip away at their basic sense of self.

This dynamic also blocks intimacy. When the native doesn’t express their own preferences, they not only deprive the other person of a chance to please them, but they prevent themselves from experiencing the love inherent in having their partner honor their desires. Until they begin expressing their wants and needs, they actually prevent the reciprocity they so greatly desire in their relationships.

In fact, it’s so easy for these people to fall back into pleasing others that when someone asks them something, they could say: “I need to think about that” or “I’ll get back to you.” This gives them a chance to get in touch with what they really want.

The issue of indecision usually occurs in all areas of their life—whether to send their child to pre-school, what color to paint their car, etc. On a deep level they instinctively know the “right answer” for them, but they second-guess themselves by enlisting other people’s opinions and considering the issue through their eyes.

For example, for their vacation they’re choosing place A or place B, and they feel instinctively drawn to B. But instead of trusting their inner feelings, they’ll keep asking people until someone says: “I like place B”—and then the native will say “GREAT!” and choose B.

Since in their mind they have taken another’s advice, this process just distances them further from connecting with their own innate knowing. It also tends to block intimacy in their relationships. Because they want to be nice, the native usually agrees with the other person’s advice, but may fail to act on it. Then they feel guilty, and the other person often ends up feeling discounted. Or if the native does act on another’s advice, they may feel angry if they don’t like the results.

A lesson for Aries North Node people is to take time alone to allow their own correct answers to arise from within. They DO actually know; they just need to tune in to themselves and start taking action based on their own instincts of what is right for them. They can practice by making simple decisions completely on their own—like what kind of coffee to order or which magazine to buy. This will stimulate an unused part of themselves, and as it becomes stronger over time, they will grow to trust it. When they begin making their own decisions, they won’t feel so needy and will naturally begin to gain a sense of their own personal power.

However, this process is hindered when these natives allow themselves to be influenced by others’ opinion of them. They can become so concerned with how they’re seen by another that they completely lose touch with their own internal process. If they think that someone perceives them in a way they deem to be unacceptable, they tend to change the way they present themselves rather than look at the feeling or intention that is motivating their behavior. And this blocks the process these natives most need to experience in this lifetime: growth through honest self-discovery.

It is only when they become willing to reveal themselves—and see themselves—through authentic interactions with others that they get a true reflection that can help them grow. They may have unconscious issues with lust, greed, fear, etc.—and they can never heal whatever is on their “shadow side” if they never see it. By disclosing their inner self to another, if the reflection is negative, they have a chance to discover what is driving their behavior and to make vitalizing changes.

For example, I have an Aries North Node friend who has money issues—his approach to money is miserly and incorrect. His wife would often berate him for being so cheap (a negative reflection). His response was to just give her total control over their finances. But putting his image first (he didn’t want to be seen as cheap) and giving financial control to his partner did nothing to resolve his own issues about money. It’s a temporary fix, rather than a lasting growth of character.

Wherever we are out of balance due to past life transgressions or other unconscious issues, we will eventually—in this incarnation or the next—need to take responsibility for healing that part of ourselves and dealing with the issue successfully. So in order to complete their lessons in this lifetime of discovering and expressing their individual identity, these natives need to pay attention to their own impulses and desires. Then they can let the energy connected to the instinct itself propel them into making their own choices and taking action that makes them happy.

And in doing so, the native gives others the opportunity to support their choices. Then they can feel the love coming back to them. But even when others don’t support them, they will feel the satisfaction of self-love bubbling up from within because they have taken responsibility for creating their own happiness. Then what others think will pale in importance compared to the joy of their own personal self-discovery!

Embracing Equality to Establish Healthy Relationships

Aries North Node people tend to have a sense of being stronger than other people, and are unusually forgiving, accepting, and tolerant as a result. In an unequal situation, they may decide that they can carry the relationship. They think: “I can handle it—my partner will come around and start doing their share.”

However, since the native doesn’t negotiate a clear agreement with the other person, they may not be on the same page. Some people may use the native’s strength as a free ride—or they may not be interested in developing the relationship in accordance with the native’s unspoken expectations. For instance, one Aries North Node client said to her husband: “Please, work with me on improving our relationship.” He wasn’t interested, but she still continued to give because she was sure he’d come around. When he insulted her enough, she finally left.

The notion that they’re stronger than their partner blocks intimacy on many levels. For one thing, when they’re constantly the responsible one, equality is lost in the relationship. Also, while waiting for their partner to become stronger the native doesn’t take care of their own harmony and happiness, or express their needs to the other person.

And when the native sees themselves as stronger, they don’t let themselves be vulnerable because, in their mind, the other person isn’t really equal and able to partner with them. This blocks intimacy for their partner, who often feels sad that the native doesn’t depend on them as much as they would like. Ironically, although the other person may perceive the native as being too independent, the relationship is still based on co-dependency because the native is only seeing themselves as part of the team—“the stronger one”—rather than as an independent entity in their own right. Their identity is based on a comparison with their partner; they see themselves as compensating for what they perceive the other person lacks.

This often becomes an issue of respect, and creates a feeling of superiority that causes distance and prevents intimacy. The native may try to manipulate their partner into developing the qualities that they want them to have. Sometimes the native pours so much energy into “helping” their partner acquire certain traits that they become personally identified with the results. Then a power struggle can ensue just so the other person can be themselves.

These issues can only be resolved when the native begins to clearly state their position up front in their relationships. The idea is to be honest about what they want to create in the relationship and what they want the agreement to be. Then they can see if the other person wants the same thing and is committed to doing their share.

Aries North Node people almost always have difficulty with equality in their relationships. They tend to either shift the people around them into a parental role or take on a parental role themselves. For instance, their reticence to make decisions on their own puts others in the position of feeling responsible for the native—more like a parent than a peer. But when the native takes responsibility “for straightening the other person out” and lifting their mood, they are putting themselves in the parental role. Either way, it’s not a healthy adult relationship. Without equality, intimacy cannot be created.

These people are learning that no matter how hard they are willing to work to please others, and regardless of how much they want everything to be harmonious, there has to be equality and reciprocity in their relationships before true happiness and intimacy can occur. Since they don’t know how to get their needs met as an equal, the native often resorts to manipulation—politely tricking the other person into giving them what they want instead of risking honest self-disclosure. And when the other person feels the manipulation, they may start to mistrust the native, always doubting what they say because they never know their real motives. Manipulation = no equality = no intimacy.

However, manipulating others is what these people equate with “self-identity”—it’s the only way they know how to get what they want. Although this dynamic robs them of their personal power, they tend to blame others for their lack of power. It seldom occurs to them that they could get their needs met—and regain their power and integrity—by being honest and straightforward.

Another subtle, more unconscious form of manipulation can occur as a result of the native always focusing on the other person. Since the native is used to defining themselves in relationship to others when they interact with someone, what that person sees is not the native’s true identity, but their own reflection. This leads them to feel deeply understood and valued—they believe that the native is just like them! Although this may make the native popular on a superficial level, it blocks intimacy because if the native isn’t really “seen,” over time there’s no energy coming back to them.

The only way for these folks to change this dynamic is if they consciously choose to reveal themselves authentically with the other person. One experiment would be for them to focus on the other person—which they do naturally—and once they have “seen” them, then communicate a little about themselves. For example, after the other person shares about the first time they rode a bicycle, the native can shift the energy and relate their first bike-riding experience.

This way the energy can travel back and forth, nurturing both people and creating a reciprocal link. And instead of just projecting, others will have a real person to relate to—which is the first step in opening the way for reciprocity, equality, and intimacy to be created in their relationship.

Aries North Node people can only rediscover their own individual identity from within. Spending time alone is the only way they can gain awareness of what THEY consider to be good about themselves. And if they don’t, they may never feel comfortable being with people just as they are. When they do, the resulting sense of healthy autonomy empowers them to enjoy their partner as an equal, recognizing that each person is learning and growing according to their own inner blueprint.

Risking Authentic Self-Disclosure: Releasing Manipulation and the “Nice Person” Image

Aries North Node people tend to subtly control situations in order to get what they want. They’re so polite and “angelic” that they usually appear to have totally pure intentions—but the other person feels their manipulative energy. On an unconscious level, these natives think that manipulation is the only way they can get what they need from others.

This dynamic blocks intimacy because although others don’t consciously know what’s going on, they end up feeling resentful. This is because, underneath, the native hasn’t really given them a true choice. If the native were to just ask for what they want, then it would feel like a gift to the other person when they gave it. The manipulation contaminates the potential joy of the interaction with resentment and mistrust.

Until Aries North Node people gain an independent sense of self, they feel so dependent on how others see them that they often alter their presentation to get the “right response.” If they want chocolate, they will say vanilla because they don’t want to disappoint the other person, to look bad or seem “less than” in their eyes. They can be so diplomatic that they don’t share their true feelings because they think it could lead to a confrontation. Also, they fear that if the other person really understands them, they might lose their ability to maintain harmony in the relationship and get what they want.

However, when these people are thinking one thing and saying another, others recognize the incongruity and it makes them uncomfortable. They sense that the native is not being themselves and is appeasing or deceiving them in some way. This is hurtful to others because how can they trust the native when they never know if they’re just telling polite lies? This causes others to fear getting too close.

It also blocks intimacy for the native because when they withhold part of themselves, they have to keep an emotional distance. On some level, they know they’re using politeness and charm to keep things harmonious and get what they want, and it doesn’t make them feel good about themselves. And if they don’t share how they truly feel, then the relationship is like being onstage—it’s an act.

This act is not difficult for Aries North Node people to maintain. Until they start developing their own identity, it is easy for them to see themselves through others’ eyes and change how they present themselves. Controlling how others see them is really just another form of manipulation, but it results in others controlling them, since they constantly have to change their presentation based on the other person’s perception. And because the native isn’t revealing their true identity, the other person’s perception of them is actually just a projection. So the native can become even more lost from themselves through this process.

All of this is motivated by the native’s intense fear of letting others see who they really are. They just know that if another sees their authentic self, that person will disapprove of something about them. Then, if the other person doesn’t like who they are, they might leave the relationship—and subconsciously, the native doesn’t think they can survive on their own. So they remain very guarded.

One of the lessons for Aries North Node people this lifetime is that in order to allow intimacy to develop in their relationships, they need to walk through their fear, give up their manipulative behavior, and authentically share themselves with the other person. They have to risk being straightforward about whatever is going on with them—even if they don’t always know why they feel a certain way—and allow themselves to grow through the process that unfolds.

For instance, if they are feeling frustrated and share this with their partner, they will automatically gain clarity about the cause of their frustration through the interaction that results. Then, regardless of how the other person responds, the native will “win” because they’ve given a voice to their own energy and will feel good about themselves.

Once the native has embraced this more authentic way of relating, they can start creating more positive relationships right from the beginning. When first getting to know someone, the idea is to communicate about themselves honestly and see if the other person is willing to meet them on the same level. For success, the native needs to state their position first to avoid just unconsciously going along with the other person.

For example: “I really enjoy going to art museums—it always lifts my spirits. Do you like art?” By displaying an honest curiosity about another, the native will be able to tell if that person is also willing to honestly reveal their tastes and preferences, and if they are someone who is interested in creating reciprocity in their relationships.

Succeeding in Sexually Intimate Relationships

Aries North Node people truly believe that if they create a lovely home environment, are a good parent, support their mate, make holidays special, etc., they are experiencing Love and intimacy. But what they’re really experiencing is just their partner’s response to the role that they are choosing to play—i.e., their mate may say: “Okay, then I’ll go to work and bring home the money.”

The truth about this “nice” scenario is that although it looks good and is usually harmonious, it actually blocks intimacy because it’s a picture-book relationship. There can be no true intimacy because it’s not real—it’s all based on “being a nice person.” Playing the role of the perfect mate creates an emotional dead zone for both people, and true experience of loving and being loved is inadvertently sacrificed.

In order to create the possibility of intimacy with their partner, their best bet is to begin viewing themselves outside the context of “the team.” When they don’t disclose themselves as an individual, their identity becomes defined by the relationship, and they’re waiting for the relationship to dictate their wants and needs. Then even when they match their partner’s energy and go with the flow, the intimacy is lost.

On a deeper level, the problem is that they’re not in touch with their true identity and aren’t even sure what their needs really are. Lacking a solid sense of self can create tremendous anxiety for them, especially in their primary relationship. They know how to be co-dependent and relate without boundaries—totally immersed in the other person’s energy field—but they lack experience in how to maintain their individuality when they bond with another. This makes it difficult to sustain the equality that, on some level, they know is necessary for a healthy relationship. Their partner may sense their anxiety, but doesn’t understand what’s causing it.

Until they become more aware and begin to develop healthy self-love, Aries North Node people require an enormous amount of energy from their partner. Because of their past life issues, they feel like they need the other person in order to survive. When they fall in love, these people automatically want to do all they can to support their partner. However, they tend to give too much at their own expense, with the unspoken expectation of reciprocity. They think: “I’m so loving and giving, if I put my partner first, they will put me first”—but that’s not necessarily true.

However, even if their partner doesn’t reciprocate, the native usually won’t say anything negative. They’re afraid that the other person might pull away and they would lose the energy of the union. So they tell their partner what they think the other person wants to hear: “Everything is wonderful, you’re the best.”

If the Aries North Node person notices that suddenly they don’t feel so loving toward their partner, they should take an honest look at whether they’ve been compromising themselves. If so, the next step would be to ask their partner directly for what they want and need. These natives also need to begin to get in touch with what they want to create that will energize them on a personal level. They are learning to give themselves the support they need to do things on their own, outside of the relationship.

However, until they get in touch with the inner fire of their own identity, these people tend to feel vacant inside. On an unconscious level, this can cause them to be driven to change another’s behavior to match how they would behave in a certain situation. They often seem to be either trying to change their partner or looking for the right person to partner with, instead of separately defining and expressing their own individuality.

When these natives get hurt deeply enough in a relationship, it can lead them to finally realize that the pain they experience only happens because they don’t love themselves and look out for themselves. For Aries North Node people, the first step is self-love. Until they love themselves and feel truly connected to their own individual identity, they can never authentically share themselves with another.

It is the path of learning to love, honor, and respect themselves that can eventually lead these natives to the correct understanding of Love, and how to truly love another. They are learning that loving someone means appreciating their individuality and encouraging their independence, not controlling them. And the process of supporting their partner’s own innate identity in a healthy way can also strengthen the native’s own sense of identity and uniqueness.

When their context is the relationship, these people feel like they have to manipulate their partner in order to get their needs met. But when their context is their own personal identity, the enmeshment of co-dependency drops away so the two individuals can come together in a healthier, more authentic relationship. Then the native can more clearly state what they want, and hear the other person’s needs and desires. Together they can create their own, real, unique relationship that nurtures both people.

Love is not a contract or a deal, and it’s not about two people trading chips across the table. It’s about acceptance, understanding, forgiveness, mutual healing, and expressing honest feelings. These people are learning that behind the roles and expectations, there is a journey of personal growth for each person. So the highest ideal is to create a relationship where both people support each other in actualizing their potential for self-expression and wholeness. Sharing that process is what yields the intimate exchange of acceptance, love, understanding, and intimacy that they seek.

How Others Can Help Them Heal

Prompt Self-Discovery

When Aries North Node people talk about their day, their major concerns will most likely involve their relationships with others. They may be feeling resentful because they think their boss treated them unfairly, or frustrated because a friend didn’t support them in a specific way. Whatever it is, help them to see—through your own honest curiosity—what they learned about himself or herself in the situation.

For example, if their boss gave them a more complex task than he gave a co-worker, what does that show the native about themselves? Maybe they are more capable to handle difficult problems than their co-worker. Or perhaps their boss sees their willingness to be a team player and thinks they won’t object.

Perhaps through their interaction with their boss, they can learn that if they don’t assert themselves, they may be expected to do more difficult or unpleasant tasks in the future. By validating whatever it is that they say they learned about THEMSELVES—not the other person—you will be encouraging the path of self-discovery that their Soul is urging them to take.

Promote Independent Action

These people tend to hold back on asserting themselves for fear that voicing their desires could create disharmony for others, and this leads to their “going along” and supporting others at their own expense. If they feel that someone is imposing on their accommodating nature, encourage them to take the initiative to clear the air and stand up for what they need to happen in the situation.

Aries North Node people have an innate sense of fairness. They don’t take advantage of others and don’t want to be taken advantage of themselves, which is healthy. Since this person is a born team player, if you help them to see that sometimes asserting their independence is what will ultimately benefit both themselves and the team, and lead to harmony, they will do it.

For instance, if they tell you they feel sad because their significant other always seems to be creating distance and pushing them away, suggest that they experiment with doing more things on their own, independent of the relationship. Help them to understand how strengthening their own individual identity—and giving their partner the space to do the same—can actually lead to greater intimacy and joy between them.

Inspire Them to Act on Their Instincts

Point out to the native that when they are self-reliant and follow their own instincts, they win. Taking action on their internal impulses works for them, but when they delay action and seek input from others, they begin to doubt themselves and become confused. Their impulse to take action is an instinctive force, and they need encouragement to trust and follow it.

In dealing with others, urge these people to always state their position first, before asking for the other person’s input. Help them to understand that this is truly being a team player. It lets others see their position up front, which allows a deeper level of cooperation and a more lasting harmony to emerge. Since these people value fairness, if you frame it as the best way to “play fair” with the other person, they will feel empowered to meet the challenge.

Support Their Focusing on Self

Aries North Node people are so accustomed to being in a relationship that it seldom occurs to them to do things that make them happy as an individual. Encourage them to engage in activities that spark the joy inside of them. Maybe it’s going to a classical music concert. If you don’t want to go, encourage them to love themselves enough to go enjoy it. If they feel happy spending time in Mother Nature and you’re not in the mood for a hike, support them in following their “hiking impulse” and taking some time alone to recharge.

Encourage them to set aside time for activities that they deeply enjoy—all by themselves. And if occasionally there’s an event that they really want you to attend, support them by sharing the experience with them. In this way they will see that exhibiting their independence evokes others’ support and cooperation.

It is vital to prompt these people to make their own decisions. If they seem indecisive, ask them: “What would be best for you in this situation? What would you like?” Since their individual survival instincts are underactive, they need you to encourage their self-interest and remind them to “be brave.” By supporting them in decisions that nurture their own life force, you can help them to heal their tendency to co-dependency.

Encourage Them to Spend Time by Themselves

Aries North Node people are so sensitive to those in their environment that when another person is unhappy, it affects their state of being. Encourage them to schedule regular time alone in order to recharge their energy and strengthen their sense of self-reliance. Also, when they are alone and cannot be distracted by the identity of others, it is easier for them to connect with their own true inclinations and gain the self-centering they need in order to create truly balanced relationships.

Since their tendency is to want to do most things with their partner, they need encouragement to do things on their own. Point out activities they can do alone, such as taking walks, going to a movie, working out at the gym, reading, etc., and ask them which ones they feel attracted to. And remind them that doing some things alone can actually be more fun. For instance, when they go shopping at a favorite store by themselves, they have the freedom to focus on what they are interested in, which also reinforces their healthy independence.

The values of harmony and peace are important to these people. If you also observe that doing things alone that make them happy increases their own inner harmony—which in turn affects others positively—they will be more willing to do it. Help them to see that by building a strong sense of personal identity, a deeper, more lasting harmony can be attained in their relationships.

Habits to Discourage

Seeing themselves through the eyes of others: Discourage this practice. They lose their sense of self when they get caught up in worrying about another’s image of them.

Comparing themselves to others: Don’t allow this habit, as it is totally counterproductive to discovering and expressing their own unique, individual self.

Reacting to something being “unfair”: Every time you hear them say the words “This isn’t fair,” don’t indulge them. Remind them that this is a mind-set resulting from expectations and self-compromise that only leads to resentment. Instead of being concerned with “fairness,” they need to focus on discovering the true identity of themselves and others.