Cancer North Node People

and North Node in the 4th House

SPECIAL GIFTS THEY BRING TO RELATIONSHIPS

          Takes responsibility

          Integrity

          Dependability

          A giving spirit

          Competency

          Gift for organization

          Willingness to take charge

MISCONCEPTIONS THAT BLOCK INTIMACY

          “In the end, I’m always the one who has to be responsible.”

          “When others give me compliments, it’s because they have ulterior motives.”

          “I can’t feel truly satisfied, because other people always let me down.”

          “If I’m vulnerable, the other person will hurt me.”

          “I don’t know how I feel.”

          “I can’t depend on anyone to take care of me.”

          “If I share my true feelings, I’ll be invalidated.”

          “I need to repeat myself in order for the other person to ‘get it.’”

COMPLAINTS OF THEIR PARTNERS

          “They try to control everything.”

          “I can’t get close—they have their own agenda all the time.”

          “They’re only happy when I’m doing exactly what they want.”

          “They are emotionally immature.”

          “They feel threatened if I express my needs.”

          “They don’t care if they hurt my feelings.”

Breaking the Grip of Controlling Behaviors

Cancer North Node people have experienced many lifetimes as statesmen, lawmakers, heads of households, business owners, and in situations where they had the sole responsibility for creating success. Others depended on them for their survival. Due to this past life conditioning, they easily fall into the “father role”—the one who feels responsible for the ordering and survival of the family. Thus they are always vigilant, managing outer circumstances so that everyone around them will fare well and specific outcomes will be achieved. They even apply their propensity for taking charge to situations involving others’ behavior and emotions.

For example, I had a client with this nodal position whose fiancée didn’t want to have anything to do with his children. However, he felt he was responsible for making sure that his fiancée and his kids got along, so he gave lots of instructions about how they should treat one another. Ultimately, his fiancée felt so controlled that she left the relationship. In being so focused on the goal, these natives neglect the feelings of others and the integrity of the process that others need to go through for their own growth.

My client could have learned a lot about his fiancée if he had allowed her to not interact with his kids, while taking time to explore the reasons for her reservations. If he had approached her with only the motive of better understanding her, she could have honestly shared her concerns. Maybe she felt neglected in an early family situation and was afraid that he wouldn’t give her attention if his kids were around. Her objections might have had nothing to do with the children personally—just her own fears. And once her feelings were heard and she felt supported by her partner, the problem may have resolved itself over time—or maybe not. But at least the process would have been allowed to unfold naturally, and a deeper level of intimacy and bonding would have been possible. In relationships, Cancer North Node people are learning to let the integrity of the process dictate the outcome.

In a crisis, when others are floundering, these folks are the ones who take charge, create order, and help everyone survive. This exaggerated sense of responsibility includes the belief that even if they delegate, they’re going to end up doing it all anyway. They think: “No one else can take care of this exactly the way I want it to be.” This blocks intimacy, because others feel that nothing they do is ever good enough. And for the native, if they take all the responsibility for reaching a mutual goal, they lose respect for the other person. They are learning to support others in using their talents to help create successful outcomes, rather than to control and micromanage situations. By welcoming the help of others, a sense of caring and support can begin to grow, and mutual respect—a necessary ingredient for relationships to thrive—remains intact.

Another issue that arises is that they honestly feel that since they are the best caretakers, they don’t think they can count on others to take care of them. They don’t trust that others will be there for them in exactly the way that they think they need. Internally, they want desperately to be able to depend on others, but are afraid the other person won’t be there when they really need them. They think that the only way their needs can be met is if they are in total control. They really believe that if they can just get other people to do exactly what they tell them, they will feel safe and happy. But they’re not happy, because it’s impossible to create the intimacy they crave with that approach. The other person feels that they can’t share their true self and nurture the native in their own way, and this blocks the energy that would enable them to freely support the native naturally and spontaneously.

Cancer North Node people are realizing that if they want to experience intimacy in a healthy relationship, controlling behaviors need to be released. A control mode creates a state of tension, because other people feel like they are walking on eggshells. Success with intimacy requires learning to trust that they can relax the “control mechanism” and still get their needs met. And even if their needs aren’t met in exactly the way they had pictured—or if they don’t reach their goal exactly when they wanted to—the native is recognizing that the world won’t end and it doesn’t mean the other person doesn’t love them. The truth is that others are trying to support these folks all the time—they just don’t notice! They are learning how to actively participate in allowing others to support them by paying attention to what the other person wants to do for them, and welcoming their help.

Until they become aware of this, what often happens is that they have this expectation of being let down, and end up creating that experience. For example, I had a Cancer North Node client who was pregnant, already had two children, and was really in need of nurturing. Her perception was that her husband was not there for her—she felt like she was doing it all alone. As a result, she became more and more angry. Eventually, she closed her heart to him, which shut down her capacity to create intimacy or receive any nurturing.

From her husband’s perspective, she was constantly complaining—he didn’t want to be around her because when he tried to help he couldn’t do anything right. The truth was that if she had tuned in to him—how he was trying to take care of her, rather than how he wasn’t—she would have noticed those times when he was trying to nurture her in his own way. And when he wasn’t being supportive, she could have shared her feelings and let him know where she specifically needed his help. But her belief about the situation—“He’s letting me down”—blocked her from asking for what she wanted. If she had trusted that his intention was to support her, she could have created intimacy by sharing her feelings and experiences with him. For instance, she could have had him feel when the baby was moving, let him know when she was feeling extra-tired or when her back hurt, etc. This would have given him openings to support her, and by feeling included, loved, and appreciated, he would have wanted to nurture and support her that much more.

Experiencing Satisfaction

Cancer North Node people tend to resist accepting appreciation or admiration from others. They just pass over it as though someone were telling them that the weather was beautiful. They are learning to stop and really receive another person’s loving energy and feel the reason behind their compliment. Often when someone gives them a compliment, they hear what the other person is saying, but they don’t know how to take it in—they just say “Thank you,” and it doesn’t really affect them. On one level, this happens because the native doesn’t want to appear “full of themselves.” They believe that downplaying their talents and competency is a sign of humility.

On a deeper level, what’s happening is a subconscious fear that if they really take the compliment in, they will feel content with their current level of achievement. They may give up on their goals, and lose the edge of dissatisfaction they think they need in order to accomplish more. However, if the native was to really receive the other person’s loving compliment and feel it on a heart level—as an acknowledgment of their innate talents and past accomplishments—they would experience a degree of nurturing that would actually make the whole process of achievement more satisfying and enjoyable. To accept the compliment is a completion of the energy—the natural reward for past achievement—and it is meant to make them feel good.

Another thing that may shut these people down when they hear a compliment is the unconscious fear that they might lose their “one up” position. They think that by not acknowledging the “thanks,” they will always be the one who is looked up to. Actually, they often neglect feelings of enjoyment because their subconscious is telling them that sacrificing personal enjoyment will earn them respect. In reality, however, not knowing how to accept the compliment creates a wall between themselves and the other person, who may feel discounted and unappreciated. Cancer North Node people are learning that slowing down and allowing themselves to accept the praise of others on a heart level helps to create a sense of equality and intimacy with others. It also increases the core strength of the native, since they gain the experience of being nurtured as a result of their hard work and achievement. Otherwise, their achievements don’t emotionally satisfy them.

These people are definitely overachievers. They are often in a state of hyperactivity, as if—on an unconscious level—they are trying to live up to someone else’s expectations. No matter how much the native accomplishes, they always feel there is this “greater goal” they have an obligation to reach. As a result, they may feel discontent with what is going on in the present moment. The reality is that whatever they’re doing IS the mission. But they constantly feel that there is something else, on a grander scale, they are ultimately capable of accomplishing.

This preoccupation with achievement blocks intimacy because the native tends to postpone experiencing happiness with their loved ones until they reach this idealized, unknown goal. Being locked into their own agenda in this way blocks them from really being in touch with the other person. Sometimes they even get angry with those who are close—especially those in their living environment—if their internal perception is that others are holding them back. Naturally, it’s difficult to experience intimacy in this situation, because other people feel like they can never satisfy the native or make them happy. Cancer North Node people may not even be aware that the other person is giving to them. Until they begin taking in the caring others are giving them, other people may perceive them as constantly looking for validation. Eventually the other person may think: “What’s the point? No matter how much I give, it’s never enough.”

To break this pattern, the Cancer North Node person is learning that feeling satisfied isn’t something to achieve in the future, it’s an awareness of the support, nurturing, and love that is already available in their life. And by starting to GIVE nurturing to others, they can activate the flow of mutual positive energy. When someone expresses a need and the native fills it, then that person will want to give back to them. The result will be an abundance of mutual nurturing and support that can allow intimacy to thrive.

One way to get the ball rolling is for the native to invite others to tell them what they would like (what kind of food they would prefer, what movie they want to see, etc.), and then go along with doing things the other person’s way and see what happens. They will discover that giving the other person what they need creates an energy of appreciation and closeness. And it is this closeness that can lead to intimacy, which will finally give the native the sense of fullness and satisfaction they have been seeking.

Reconnecting with Feelings

Cancer North Node people are usually out of touch with their feelings due to many lifetimes of being responsible for caretaking others, without having the experience of being taken care of themselves. Or they may have deliberately suppressed their personal feelings to reach specific goals. For instance, they may have chosen a partner with whom to raise a family for reasons of prestige or financial gain, discounting their emotional need for love and intimacy. Either way, as a result of many incarnations spent focusing outside themselves, their ability to connect with their own feelings needs to be reactivated.

When they’re not in touch with their feelings, their actions often go against their true inner nature. Their emotions—discounted for so long—are not easy for them to identify. It’s not that their feelings don’t exist—in fact, they are quite powerful and highly charged due to being suppressed. But since the native is unfamiliar with the normal ebb and flow of emotion, and the sense of nurturing acceptance it can bring, they feel uncomfortable in situations involving feelings, because they don’t know how to navigate the emotional energy.

They may naively resist sharing their own feelings, as well as resist input about how others feel. But when they resist experiencing the “emotional field” that is created through the natural flow of feeling between themselves and others, their own emotions can well up until the situation feels overwhelming. Then they may give the impression that they think they’re the only one who has permission to express anger or other feelings. Sometimes, when others think the native is being “impossible,” it’s because they are faced with a situation they don’t understand. This can cause intense emotion, and they may act out from fear of becoming overwhelmed. Their challenge is to learn to pay attention to their emotions, acknowledging them to themselves and sharing them with others as they arise. The more the native can do this without judging their own feelings or trying to change them, the less threatened they will feel by the emotions of others. They are learning that it’s engaging in the emotional flow—not resisting it—that ultimately brings greater satisfaction in their relationships. The idea is for them to develop the habit of being more aware of moods—both in themselves and others—and allowing these emotions without feeling the need to change them.

One of their lessons this lifetime is learning to trust their gut instincts and take them into account in their decision-making process. The problem is that they question all their feelings, because they can’t define them. For example, I had a Cancer North Node client who determined that the best way to give her daughter an “educational edge” was to put her in pre-school when she was two years old. Then she started feeling very upset, but she wasn’t sure why. Internally, something was telling her not to send her daughter to school yet, but she followed what she thought she “should do” rather than trust her instincts. Then, when her daughter had a bad experience, she realized she should have listened to her feelings.

Another client with this nodal position broke up with her boyfriend, and after they had been apart for a while, he became genuinely willing to work on the relationship for the first time. Her heart opened to him, and she wanted to try again. However, she had already started dating someone else, and she chose to keep her promise to this new person (what she thought she “should do”) rather than follow her heart—a decision she later regretted. As Cancer North Node people begin to act in accordance with their feelings, the guidance of their internal compass will become stronger.

Since they have had so little experience dealing with the realm of emotions, sometimes in an attempt to share feelings they will speak in a one-way flow of emotion just to get the feelings out. The motive behind their sharing will determine the result. If they are stuck in their “control mode” and their motive is really instructing the other person that they need to change or do something differently, they will usually be met with defensive or passive resistance. But if their motive is honest self-revelation—to give the other person a chance to become more aware of them—then they are likely to be met with genuine concern and caring. The idea is to stay in the “I” framework when sharing feelings. For example: “Don’t make so much noise in the morning, you wake me up” will probably be met with defensive resistance. However: “I wanted to share with you that I wake up with a jolt when there are loud noises in the morning. My heart races and I feel really anxious for quite a while afterward” is likely to engender a caring response. By being open and inviting the other person to respond in their own way, intimacy is strengthened.

Even when the native has a legitimate reason to give another person instructions—perhaps at work—they can still run into problems if they discount the emotional component of the interaction. For instance, they say something once. Then they really want to emphasize the importance of it so they sneak it in again. Then, if they’re still not sure the other person got it, they’ll repeat it again in a slightly different way. They actually think they are being helpful. However, to the other person it feels like the native has an ulterior motive or doesn’t think they’re smart enough to grasp what was said the first time. This can turn others off and create an ongoing subconscious resistance to the native. The other person can tell that the Cancer North Node person isn’t really connecting with them—otherwise the native would know that the message was already received. The key here is for them to slow down long enough to tune in to the emotional field between them and the other person as they communicate, and then wait to see if they feel the shift in the energy that indicates the other person “got it,” before repeating themselves.

These people feel anxiety about connecting with others emotionally—even asking someone if they’re okay or exploring their feelings with another person makes them anxious. But they need to become comfortable with feelings so that they can learn how to deal with the irrational realm of emotions that is part of the human experience. And everyone wins when they take time to be interested in the feelings of others, because these natives have tremendous integrity and will not misuse feelings once they are in touch with them. When they listen to someone with interest and support, the other person will feel “seen,” cared about, and nurtured. And in the process of empathizing with the moods and feelings of another, the native’s heart will open and they will become more accepting of their own changing moods and feelings as well.

Gaining Emotional Maturity

Due to a lack of nurturing over many lifetimes, Cancer North Node people are often emotionally immature. One way this manifests is that they can easily become attached to a person’s presentation—their image, beauty, or youth—rather than looking for the emotional depth that holds the possibility for lasting satisfaction in relationships. They often settle for a superficial connection that meets their mental pictures, rather than take the time to develop a true emotional bond with the other person.

Their lack of emotional maturity is also evident when they appear to not really care about others’ feelings. They may be kind by nature and they don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but if it happens, they don’t lose any sleep over it. They’re missing a “sensitivity chip” in their personality, so they don’t really have the empathy to feel bad or guilty when others are upset. They don’t intentionally hurt anyone, but they do intend to get their way, so they justify it. It’s another way they avoid feelings and continue to relate to others from their head instead of their heart. And since the feelings aren’t acknowledged or dealt with, the other person doesn’t feel close to them, because until the Cancer North Node person embraces the dimension of feelings, there’s a whole stratum of human experience that’s missing from the interaction.

The emotional immaturity can also be seen in their tendency to react in extreme ways to anything they construe as a sign of rejection from those who are close. For example, one of my clients with this nodal position was buying a condo in a location close to her family. One visit, her father hesitated about picking her up at the airport due to scheduling problems. She thought: “If he’s not sure he wants to go out of his way for me, fine—I’ll take care of it myself!” Rather than risk facing a moment of what she perceived to be non-support, she bought her own car. When others ask the native to do something, Cancer North Node people almost always figure out some way to come through—even at the expense of their own wants and needs. So when others don’t drop everything to help them out, these natives tend to close off and go their own way.

If they perceive that they’re not being taken care of, it blocks intimacy, because the native thinks: “They don’t really care about me. I needed some support and they didn’t come through for me.” Then they pull away from that person in order to protect themselves emotionally. They’ll still spend time with that person and will even help out, but there is a part of them that shuts down on a deeper level. It also blocks intimacy for the other person, because if the native’s needs aren’t met right away, they just take charge, and then their partner feels: “Well, I’m not that special to them. They’re so self-sufficient, they don’t need my help.”

What actually happens is that others often don’t feel as competent as the Cancer North Node person. This is why the native needs to be willing to see beyond their own immediate feelings of rejection and get more information so they can better understand the other person’s situation. Then things can be worked out with mutual sensitivity and support. For instance, maybe my client could have taken a later flight when her father could meet her; she needed to listen to the logistics behind his hesitation. The Cancer North Node person’s innate competency actually allows them to openly invite feedback to find a resolution that works for all concerned. By being willing to work it out together, the process becomes happier for everyone involved.

Another way Cancer North Node people demonstrate emotional immaturity is when they are totally focused on other people’s behavior—or others’ reactions to them—instead of focusing on their OWN inner feelings and reactions. They are learning to tune in to—and communicate—their feelings about what’s happening, rather than immediately react from judgment or anger about the other person’s response. For instance, if someone has a negative reaction to something a Cancer North Node person has said or done, the native feels anxious. Then they deal with their anxiety by trying to evade or control the situation—often through anger or withdrawal. Although the other person may back off, the native is still stuck with their anxious feelings, because the situation hasn’t really been resolved.

Until they become conscious of this dynamic, others may feel that they have to constantly go out of their way to adapt in order to have a relationship with these folks. They are afraid that if they express their opinions or preferences, it will upset the native and there will be a reprisal. For instance, if someone says: “I don’t really want to eat barbecue tonight, I’d rather eat Italian,” the native’s response may be defensive: “What? You think I’m stupid because I want to eat barbecue?” When they perceive the differing ideas, wants, and needs of others as a personal threat, they end up feeling out of control and unsafe and the other person feels discounted—a dynamic that blocks intimacy.

Cancer North Node people are learning to give up their demand for outward compliance and adopt a willingness to approach another’s individual differences as an opportunity to create closeness by supporting their preferences. They tend to fear that they won’t be able to reach their goal if they take the other person into account. But it’s actually in the native’s best interest to learn to let go of the anxiety they feel when someone doesn’t do what they say, or expresses preferences or desires that deviate from their own. Other people’s wants and needs are not a threat to their goal. In fact, by taking them into account, the journey can be more fun for everyone involved, and it allows an opening for intimacy to be experienced.

Becoming Vulnerable and Authentic

Cancer North Node people are hypervigilant to rejection, because the experience of abandonment is often a painful part of their history. Since any perceived sign of rejection triggers their abandonment fears, they tend to let little things pass rather than risk being authentic with others in terms of their feelings and moods. They are afraid that discussing feelings will lead to a confrontation where they will be blamed, abandoned, or rejected. As a result, the energy from their suppressed emotions causes them to become anxious and insecure.

This pattern can create a vicious circle where they continue to discount their own feelings, avoid others’ feelings, and ignore any disharmony until there is an abrupt response from the other person. Then the native may react in an extreme way. They either become fiery and use anger to gain control of the situation, or they withdraw and reject the other person out of fear that they are going to be abandoned. Ironically, it’s not being vulnerable and authentic that sets them up for rejection. If they share their feelings and maintain an awareness of the emotional atmosphere between them and the other person, they can demonstrate their caring by asking questions that invite their partner to reveal themselves as issues arise. In this way, they create safety for themselves and others.

These people are also likely to have a childhood history where their feelings were discredited. Unfortunately, many of them were so hypersensitive that they closed down the vulnerable, emotional part of themselves—and now others can have a tough time getting close. They long to share their feelings, but believe that if they do they will be discounted by the other person: “You shouldn’t feel that way.” Or “Feeling that way isn’t ‘right’.” For these natives, “being correct” is very important, and the thought of someone criticizing their feelings evokes tremendous insecurity. So instead of sharing their feelings, they may try to create intimacy by pleasing the other person. They think: “If I please them, THEN they’ll be more sensitive to me, care more about me, and won’t abandon me.”

For example, a Cancer North Node client discovered that her husband was having an affair. She couldn’t stand the fear of being abandoned, so instead of sharing her feelings of hurt and betrayal, and probing the discontent that led to the affair, she took control of the situation by reading books on sex and dressing differently to try to please her husband. She started being sexually aggressive toward him—which he loved. She did what it took to get his mind off the other woman, but in the end she was doing all the work and their sex life wasn’t satisfying for her. After two years she found she felt tired and resentful. She attained her goal of keeping her husband, but since she wouldn’t risk dealing with the emotional aspect of the situation, the relationship wasn’t based on anything real and could not develop deep feelings of reciprocity, nurturing, and intimacy.

Trying to please their partner instead of risking honest communication blocks intimacy, because if they don’t share their feelings, their true self is invisible to the other person. This causes distance and tension, because their partner can feel that something is being held back. The other person knows that something isn’t right and becomes frustrated—they can’t fix it or give the native what they need because they don’t know what’s wrong. There can’t be any intimacy because the Cancer North Node person is handling the relationship superficially. Then it becomes just a facade: Both parties may maintain the routine and fulfill their responsibilities, but it’s not a meaningful relationship that provides the warmth and joy of intimacy and nurturing. They are learning to acknowledge insecurities, rather than trying to control situations so that the insecurities will never arise. This creates the closeness they desire.

Until they become conscious, their unexpressed feelings can block the native’s energy and self-expression and they often become depressed. They may feel as though something heavy is squashing them. Their challenge is to overcome their fear that the other person won’t understand them and risk being totally honest about their own feelings—and in dealing with the other person’s response. However, they may be so certain that their partner is going to take it the wrong way that instead of approaching objectively—“This is something that I want us to work on because this is how I feel”—when the native finally risks sharing their feelings it may be from a defensive stance. Then their fears become validated when others respond to them as if they are fighting, or take it personally and pull back. Also, sometimes the native thinks they are sharing feelings, but has slipped into their “control mode” and are actually giving instructions instead. For instance, if they have recently lost a dog and are very upset about it, they may tell their partner: “Don’t mention the dog,” rather than share: “When you talk about the dog I feel so upset, it’s hard for me to work.” If they explain what’s going on with feeling words, from a position of vulnerability, it opens the space for the other person to willingly support them, rather than feeling like they’re carrying out orders.

In this lifetime, Cancer North Node people are learning to trust that feelings have nothing to do with being right or wrong—they are a tool for connecting with others and experiencing our shared humanity. And it can’t be a one-way flow of communication, but a process of revealing your feelings, and hearing how the other person feels in response to that. In order to create intimacy, there needs to be an emotional connection based on authentic sharing of oneself, and acceptance that what the other person says is also true for them.

Creating a Sense of Equality

When someone around them becomes upset, Cancer North Node people usually try to smooth it over or find some other immediate solution, because being in the midst of unsettling emotions stimulates their feelings of incompetency. Sometimes it may seem like they’re playing God, trying to take responsibility for other people’s feelings so they can feel safe, everyone will be content, and further upsets will be avoided. Also, this discounts the validity of the other person’s feelings and blocks intimacy, because others don’t really want to be deprived of their emotional experiences.

These folks also block intimacy when they are overfocused on their own agenda and goals. If their partner wants to do something different, their first instinct is to resist because they don’t know how to deal with the feelings that arise when someone suggests something new. This is partly due to their anxiety about not knowing how to work things out with another on an equal footing. But negating the other person’s idea may actually deprive the native of the opportunity to reach their goals through an unexpected route. And it blocks intimacy, because the other person feels discounted and less than an equal partner in the relationship. Intimacy requires a sense of equality that comes about through sharing feelings, which allows for mutual empathy and understanding. But if the native is controlling everything, the relationship can’t develop on an equal footing.

Unconsciously, these people believe that if the other person does exactly what they tell them to do, that person loves them. And until they become conscious, if someone wants or does something different than what the native has in mind, it’s “wrong.” They are learning to relax and understand that even though something isn’t their way, that doesn’t make it wrong, and that dictating the behavior of another person doesn’t constitute an intimate relationship. It’s not healthy, and lacks the equality that can create a satisfying flow of reciprocal nurturing and Love.

Cancer North Node people are discovering that it is the feeling of mutual respect that creates a sense of equality—for them and for the other person. They are learning to become more aware and respectful of others’ needs, desires, and feelings, and to take the time to work things out with their partner in order to create a healthy relationship.

Until they realize this, the experience of Cancer North Node people is that they perpetually feel their basic emotional needs are not being met, which all too easily leads to constant fault finding with their partner. One client with this nodal position reported that when her mother had a mini-stroke, she left her husband a message explaining that she was at the hospital and had everything under control. Then, when he came to the hospital later that day, she was upset that he hadn’t come sooner. What happened was that she was having a lot of feelings in the situation and had really wanted her husband to be there to comfort and support her. But instead of letting him know, she suppressed her feelings and then complained about his behavior.

The idea is for these people to become aware of what their partner can do to support them, and then communicate it in a timely manner. For instance, my client could have left her husband a message saying: “I’m having a lot of feelings about this and I need you to be here with me.” Then he could have satisfied a genuine need on an emotional level, and the situation would have produced a sense of equality and intimacy for both parties.

Creating a sense of equality in their relationships is a bottom-line issue for these people, because without it, they will never be able to experience the joys of intimacy. By risking vulnerability and openly sharing their feelings, they create the possibility for experiencing a true emotional connection with the other person and open the door to a flow of mutual understanding, empathy, caring, and acceptance.

Succeeding in Sexually Intimate Relationships

One difficulty for Cancer North Node people in sexually intimate relationships is that they are so geared to reach goals that they often regard emotions as being a time-consuming distraction. Although this may be true in some business situations, in personal relationships they are learning that it is essential to include the realm of emotions. In business, success is attained by defining a goal and strategizing how to get there. Sometimes it is appropriate to withhold certain information in order to achieve the goal. For instance, at an interview it makes sense not to volunteer the fact that you are broke or that you feel inadequate to the challenge of the job description. You step up to the plate, play the role, and deal with your insecurities on your own.

However, intimate relationships can only be truly successful if both parties are paying attention to feelings and honoring the moment-to-moment integrity of the process. The goal itself is to be sensitive to the feelings of their partner and maintain clear and honest communication, not withholding information—or taking action—in order to reach some external goal. For example, if a Cancer North Node person is exploring a new personal relationship, they may view establishing a commitment or the sexual liaison as goals to be achieved. In the process, they may not give the important feelings that could make the relationship a worthwhile opportunity to develop. If they are focused on attaining these “goals,” their timing will be off, and even if they reach their goal the emotional connection required for true intimacy may be lost.

A better approach would be for them to ask their partner: “Do you feel emotionally ready to go to the next level of involvement?” It is even more essential for the native to stay in touch with their OWN feelings. These folks have deflected their need for emotional closeness for so many lifetimes that they can lose touch with their internal “affinity Geiger counter.” As a result, they may not even know how they feel about someone, which makes it difficult for them to be open and creates doubt and confusion for both parties. Since these people are so sensitive to any sign of disapproval or abandonment, it is vital that they feel an emotional bond and a sense of safety with their partner before taking the relationship to the physical level. Otherwise, when the sexual component is added, these deep fears can become overwhelming. Once they truly get to know their partner and to feel if there is a base of compatibility and mutual support, they can relax and allow the process to evolve naturally into its own authentic outcome.

If a Cancer North Node person gets upset and decides the relationship isn’t going to work, they can be very controlling about it. They may disconnect emotionally and become cold and withdrawn, and not even be receptive to the other person’s willingness to make changes. The other person just feels cut out—there’s nothing they can do to maintain the flow of nurturing emotional energy that could heal the situation. All relationships are faced by challenges. If the exchange of emotional nurturing isn’t there as the reward, then neither person will want to do the work required to make the relationship successful. By withholding the emotional bond, the native inadvertently guarantees that the relationship won’t be satisfying for them or the other person.

These people unconsciously sabotage their relationships when they mask their feelings and concerns to obtain a specific result. For example, a client with this nodal position had a long-standing platonic relationship with a woman he had always been attracted to. At one point the relationship shifted and began opening in a romantic direction, but he didn’t pursue it for fear that it wouldn’t work out and he would lose her friendship. Rather than communicate his concerns, he remained silent. By not sharing his concerns he didn’t allow her to connect with him in deciding whether or not to take their relationship to the next level. Also, because she could sense his anxiety without understanding the cause, his failure to communicate damaged the friendship he was trying to protect. These natives are learning that in personal relationships, whatever they are concerned about is exactly what they need to reveal to their partner in order to determine the direction that can create happiness for both parties.

Another danger for Cancer North Node people in relationships is when they hold on to their old belief that they’re going to be let down. When they constantly look for evidence that their belief is correct, they find it—because that’s how they interpret everything that happens. This blocks intimacy, because the native is always focused on all the ways their partner is letting them down rather than noticing all the ways their partner is supporting them. As a result, their partner feels they can’t do anything right. The native may get angry at their partner for not meeting their needs, but chances are, they haven’t specifically said: “I need this.” It’s a symptom of their emotional immaturity that these folks expect others to intuitively know what they need.

These natives are learning to acknowledge their insecurities and then allow their partner to support and nurture them in their own way without trying to control the situation. They allow for the highest good to unfold when they simply say, “I need your support because I feel ____,” and then let their partner nurture them according to their own intuitive promptings. Sometimes they can more easily open to receive nurturing by first nurturing the other person, and then consciously tuning in to experience their partner’s enjoyment. For example, I had a Cancer North Node client who gave her boyfriend scalp massages, and he enjoyed it so much that she could feel his energy of love and appreciation. This emotional connection allowed her to feel safe enough to begin creating a deeper bond between them, enabling her to take in more of the nurturing that he provided.

The difficulty these people have with nurturing in their sexual relationships is actually part of their core issue of lacking awareness of feelings. To heal this underlying problem, they are learning to notice fluctuating moods and accept them—without trying to change them. They are also learning to suspend their old response of feeling threatened when their partner expresses a need or feels anxious. Then they can seek to better understand their partner by asking them what’s going on, and giving them an opening to reveal themselves. In fact, when these people show their caring by asking what their partner needs, they always know exactly the right thing to do or say. And as they become more familiar with the flavor of different emotions, they will start to feel more comfortable with others’ feelings. Then, if their partner isn’t happy, it will be easier for them to explore and resolve the underlying problem long before the upset escalates to dramatic proportions. And as they begin to understand why certain feelings arise, they will be better able to show their love to their partner, even in the middle of an emotional situation.

The road to this state of heightened awareness can be a difficult process for Cancer North Node people, since they are rediscovering a realm of emotions that they have been conditioned to avoid over many lifetimes. They must constantly guard against slipping back into their tendency to control everything and fixate on their own goals. This is particularly dangerous because it isolates them from their partner. Staying in the confines of their own world may feel safe and familiar, yet it doesn’t make them happy, because they aren’t sharing the experience of Love and intimacy with another person.

Cancer North Node people are learning that the bottom line in their intimate relationships is empathy. Whatever their partner is feeling can be healed simply by their caring enough to tune in, ask questions, and respond in a loving way to their partner’s distress. This is what builds the bond that assures that the other person will also be there for them. The intimate connection they long for can only happen when they become willing to encourage the free exchange of honest emotional communication and self-revelation. It can only be created in the moment, by both people letting each other know how they are being affected by the other and trusting the process to lead to the correct outcome.

Although it may be awkward for them at first, the irony is that once these natives do tune in to the emotional realm and realize its importance, they will find that they have an innate ability to handle feelings in a beautiful, pure way, in total integrity. And they are learning that it’s worth the risk—because a life devoid of sharing feelings, moods, and even occasional upsets with another is a flat and colorless world.

How Others Can Help Them Heal

Help Them to Identify and Deal with Feelings

Cancer North Node people are out of touch with the realm of emotions, and often have difficulty identifying their inner feelings. By encouraging them to get in touch with their feelings and identify what they are experiencing internally, their mind will become more comfortable with this dimension and the native will be better able to include an awareness of their feelings when making decisions. This will greatly enhance their ability to achieve intimacy in their relationships.

These folks are born achievers, and will willingly take responsibility to reach any goal they set for themselves. If you can help them see that reawakening and responding to their feelings is a worthwhile goal, they will take the steps necessary to achieve it. Since they lack a “feeling vocabulary,” one idea is to help them compile a list of different emotions, and urge them to carry it with them while they are learning to identify their feelings.

Their list could include: hurt, upset, put-down, invalidated, frustrated, embarrassed, shame, guilt, fear, apprehension, anxiety, pride, insecurity, uncomfortable, disappointed, anxious, agreeable, tender, sad, hurt, happy, irritable, fragile, awkward, etc. When they’re feeling something and they’re not sure what it is, encourage them to use the list to identify it, and then to look underneath that feeling, if necessary. For example, if they say: “I’m really angry,” help them see that anger is a secondary emotion—a reaction to a feeling—and to look deeper at what’s really going on. It may be: “I felt hurt; I was embarrassed…”

The idea is for them to learn to respond to a feeling that arises by identifying it rather than by pushing it aside. They experience many emotions, but if they can’t put words to them, they feel helpless to communicate them or channel them constructively. So their feelings have been suppressed rather than being identified, processed, and allowed to pass.

When they are faced with an emotional situation—such as the death of a parent, a confrontation with a loved one, starting a new job, etc.—encourage them to keep a diary of what they are feeling so they can become more consciously in touch with that part of themselves. Writing about it will validate their emotions and help them stay grounded. Also encourage them to run the experiment of verbalizing their moods and feelings, and to practice tuning in to the moods and feelings of those around them.

Inspire Them to Value the Processes as Well as the Goal

These people are so goal-oriented that they easily become frustrated with themselves if they don’t get to their goal “yesterday.” Remind them that they are learning and growing from their experiences, and that the process itself is what will lead them to their goal. Helping them to recognize the value of the process with prompts such as “What did you learn from that?” or “Wow, we’re all really learning and growing here” will allow them to relax and be more accepting of themselves and others.

Remind them that part of getting to the goal is going through all the steps that lead there. Other people may be involved, and they may need to be at a certain place in their own growth process in order to realize the final aim. In order for natives to live life more fully, they are learning to recognize and appreciate the magic of the process; how everything comes together in its own timing to create the end result. They are also learning to enjoy the process. For example, if the native is invited to a party, they may rush through the preparation, postponing any feelings of enjoyment until they arrive at the party. You can encourage them to enjoy the process of shopping for something special to wear, thinking about a gift for the hostess, and otherwise tuning in to the fun of preparation.

These people are willing to take the responsibility for creating successful results. They are learning to become less concerned with results and more concerned with process. If they can see that slowing down long enough to appreciate and enjoy the process is part of creating a more profound and satisfying experience, they will be willing to do it. They also value being seen as a positive example for others. They will be willing to cultivate this underdeveloped quality in themselves if you say: “By doing this, you will also be showing others how to have a more emotionally rewarding life.”

Encourage Them to Demonstrate Caring Toward Others

When they are uncertain about how to proceed in a situation, ask them: “Is your motive control, or caring?” If it’s control, they will lose; but if their motive is sincerely caring about the other person (without trying to take on the other’s responsibility), the interaction will have a positive outcome. Encourage them to make their goal showing concern for other people and interest in their well-being by asking questions: “Are you okay?” “Is this going too fast for you?” “Are you cold?” Especially support them in demonstrating concern and caring for those with whom they want to be close. Encourage them to assist others in reaching their goals by asking questions, offering words of encouragement, and expressing confidence in the other person’s ability to create success. Once the native begins to consciously demonstrate interest and caring, they will discover they are very good at it. And others respond with so much appreciation that the native will also feel nurtured by their energy.

These people have a tendency to close down the emotional dimension that adds so much substance and richness to life. But if you help them establish a “goal” of regularly tuning in to their own moods and emotions, and interacting with others on a feeling level, they will be able to take responsibility for creating success in this area. Ask them questions such as: “Why do you suppose they responded like that? Do you think they felt threatened or afraid?” Lovingly remind them that they have the ability to tune in to others’ emotions. Encouraging them to consciously experience what the other person is feeling will take their attention away from their mental processes and help connect them with their sense of empathy. Then if they allow themselves to rest in the emotional field that exists between them and the other person, they will automatically be able to relate more easily and appropriately. And by complimenting them on how good they are at it, you will help them develop the confidence to become more vulnerable and connect more deeply with others, creating mutual safety.

Support them in sharing feelings with others in a two-way flow of emotional communication. For example, if a confrontation occurs, encourage them to straighten it out with the other person. Help them learn the art of apologizing: “Look, I’m sorry I yelled at you. I’m feeling a lot of stress over financial problems, and I took it out on you.” Or if they’re not sure what’s going on with someone, they could ask: “The other day when you _______, what did you think was going on when you responded like that?” Then help them to really hear and accept what the other person has to say, and to honestly share their own emotional response.

Influence Them to Recognize and Graciously Receive Nurturing from Others

One real key for this nodal group is to begin to consciously recognize the ways in which others express their caring and concern for them. This will give them the security they need to begin opening up to other people. To this end, help them really tune in to the compliments they receive from others and take in the positive energy. They often need this kind of support in order to feel good about themselves.

Also, encourage them to become aware of—and release—their habit of focusing on what their partner ISN’T providing, and begin to consciously notice the ways in which the other person IS demonstrating their commitment. For example, perhaps the other person supports them by always being available to talk over problems, or perhaps they help the native with tasks, errands, or transportation. If the Cancer North Node person begins to recognize the ways in which others are constantly expressing their commitment to them, their hearts will open to the flow of love and nurturing.

Along this same line, support them in asking others for help: “I need your help on this,” or “I sure would appreciate your help on something I’m working on.” They will be amazed at how quickly others respond with support. These people are learning the value of humility—asking for help, rather than trying to do everything for themselves. By being willing to receive help, they become more vulnerable and can more readily take in and experience the nurturing that is always available to them through their regular daily interactions with others.

Urge Them to Honor the Achievements of Others

Cancer North Node people are often so absorbed in their own lives, goals, and challenges that they fail to notice the strengths and accomplishments of those around them. They are learning to become more aware of others’ achievements—especially those of family members and others who are close—and recognize them. For example, if someone around them performs well, encourage them to TELL that person what a great job they did.

Since these natives love to be looked up to, you can also remind them that they will be setting a good example for others when they graciously acknowledge the strengths in another person. Point out to them that when they do openly value and honor the accomplishment of another, that person shines, because they are being acknowledged by someone who they sense really does “have it all together” in many ways. And when they deliberately go out of their way to give credit to another, and then take the time to tune in to the energy of the other person’s response, they begin to soften. This, in turn, can open the door to the possibility of building mutual respect and intimacy.

Habits to Discourage

Discounting feelings (their own or other people’s): Don’t allow this. Communicate objectively and without blame how YOU feel if they pull away when you talk about your feelings, or refuse to reveal their feelings. Also, this nodal group is learning the importance of apologizing when they hurt another person’s feelings, so point out to them when they owe you—or someone else—an apology.

Disrespecting others: When these people feel they have failed in some way, they tend to discount and/or disrespect the other person involved. Don’t allow them to get away with this. If they call someone a name or make a disparaging remark about another person, remind them that everyone is learning and growing—including them.

Responding from anxiety: These folks tend to respond to others without tuning in to what they are actually feeling, especially in an emotional situation. For instance, if someone hurts their feelings, they may strike out at them in an angry way before they even realize on an emotional level that they’re feeling hurt. Encourage them to slow down and find out what’s really going on for them emotionally before they respond to other people.