Virgo North Node People

and North Node in the 6th House

SPECIAL GIFTS THEY BRING TO RELATIONSHIPS

          Unconditional love

          A forgiving spirit

          Compassion

          Non-judgment

          Enhanced ability to plan

          Sensitivity

          A kind heart

MISCONCEPTIONS THAT BLOCK INTIMACY

          “If I say no, it will crush the other person.”

          “If I let my guard down with someone I trust, I will get hurt.”

          “If I care about someone, it’s right that I sacrifice myself for them.”

          “I can’t communicate when my emotions are involved.”

          “I’m too sensitive to be able to handle negative feedback.”

          “Others take advantage of my kind heart.”

          “If others falsely accuse me, I need to cut them out of my life in order to protect myself.”

          “If others look down on me, I’ll never be able to perform.”

COMPLAINTS OF THEIR PARTNERS

          “They’re too sensitive; they get their feelings hurt easily and react defensively.”

          “They often assume the role of ‘the helpless victim.’”

          “Their need to be seen is a ‘bottomless pit.’”

          “They can’t stand to hear any constructive criticism.”

          “They too easily give in to fear and anxiety and become helpless.”

          “They become overinvolved with their projects or work.”

Establishing Personal Limits

Virgo North Node people have had many lifetimes where they focused on dissolving personal limits in order to cultivate an awareness of “oneness” and unconditional love. As a result, in this incarnation it is difficult for them to say no to others and focus on their own wants and needs. But without setting any limits, they tend to give themselves totally to others, and then feel angry and resentful. These natives are learning that establishing—and sticking to—routines that support their own personal health and well-being is an appropriate demonstration of their spiritual awareness in this lifetime, and the only path that will allow them to create healthy relationships.

However, until they start setting limits, these people end up doing a lot of things they don’t want to do because they don’t say no—and this blocks intimacy. For example, one client with this nodal position bought a house with his brother. As soon as the escrow closed his brother wanted to start working on the house. Even though my client was exhausted from his new job, he bought the supplies and began painting, but the whole time he resented his brother and was in a bad mood.

Another reason these folks have trouble saying no is because they fear that the other person will be angry. They are very sensitive and do not respond well to anger, due to their incarnational history of being persecuted as the innocent victim of other people’s anger. In fact, if they have to say no and think that the other person might become angry, the native may get angry first, in preparation, thinking, “The best defense is a good offense.” But then they feel guilty because the other person didn’t do anything wrong—they just asked the native to do something. If the native stays focused in the here and now and tuned in to the person with whom they’re interacting, they can defuse these unconscious pressures.

Another reason Virgo North Node people may feel angry when asked to do things is that they hate feeling guilty. And they feel especially guilty if they have to say no to the friends or family who are giving the most to them. Sometimes they may come across as abrasive, because they feel like they’re being put on the spot.

When these people say no, they fear both the other person’s response and feeling overwhelmed by their own guilt. This reaction blocks intimacy: The other person gets frustrated because they don’t know why the native is getting so defensive. After a while, the other person becomes hesitant to ask the native for anything.

A big part of the problem is that these people need to learn what words to use to set limits. If they say no in a way that reflects their subjective internal states, they feel guilty. But they are finding that if they phrase their reasons as practical and tangible, it doesn’t trigger their guilt, and other people can better accept their refusal. For instance, instead of saying “I’m too tired,” or “I don’t want to,” they can say: “No, I have a list of things I need to do today,” or “I need to stay home, work around the house, and get some rest.” Or: “Sorry, but I’ve already made plans to do ____.” But until they learn this skill, these natives often perceive that the other person is making them feel guilty. Then they may throw a tantrum that makes everyone uncomfortable.

One area where their neglecting to set personal limits is particularly apparent is that they tend to trust others inappropriately and thus live in constant fear of getting hurt. And if they perceive that someone they trust has responded to them harshly on an emotional level, no matter what the circumstances, these natives feel betrayed. They become so devastated that they can’t even defend themselves. So instead of confronting the other person, and straightening things out, their tendency is to react like a child, just sitting there and waiting until the shock passes.

The native doesn’t say anything and the other person often has no idea that anything is wrong. But the native replays the scene over and over again in their mind: “How could they do that to me?” It isn’t that they judge the other person—they’re just completely crushed, so they withdraw. Then the native is no longer emotionally available to the other person, and they remain untrusting and on high alert in the relationship from then on.

To bridge this barrier, the other person has to take the initiative and practically beg the native to talk about it: “What happened? Why are you so distant?” Then, when the native finally releases their upset feelings, their partner can share what was going on with them at the time. And when they have concrete information instead of just their internal anxiety, the native can let go of the negative energy and closeness can be restored. The relationship then can function—until the other person responds in a way that again breaches the native’s trust, and the whole scenario repeats itself. However, this requires the other person to take an active role, so many of their relationships don’t survive this dynamic.

These natives are learning to have a more practical approach to trusting others and dealing with perceived betrayals when they arise. One way they can do this is by becoming more aware of the temperaments of others. For instance, by noticing that a friend has an abrasive side to their nature, the native can make a conscious decision to not allow themselves to be totally vulnerable with that person. If they know someone has the propensity to talk behind their back or spread gossip, they’re not being realistic if they think they can trust that person to not say bad things about them. In this case, the practical approach is to take into account that it’s part of that person’s nature to diminish others.

Virgo North Node people are discovering how to moderate their trust in alignment with practical reality—it doesn’t have to be “all or nothing.” And it’s not being judgmental to use good judgment and accept the fact that people aren’t perfect. Ultimately, the native will find that they can trust others to be themselves. So if they allow themselves to accurately discern who the other person is, they can be more discriminating in terms of their emotional vulnerability. Then they won’t be so easily devastated by the other person’s behavior. Even so, there will be times the native feels that someone has betrayed them. And again, the idea for them is to take a practical approach and confront that person in order to learn the truth of the situation and set things right.

Another place where Virgo North Node people aren’t clear about appropriate limits is on their level of involvement. These people can become so focused on their primary interest—it could be work, a hobby, or a person—that they totally lose their sense of proportion. For many of these natives, there’s nothing they enjoy more than their work, because it’s usually where they feel the most in control. This creates imbalance in their life, as they want to put all their time, energy, and passion into their job.

Sometimes this is also an escape from the anxiety they experience from not feeling confident in dealing with the other areas of their life. Whatever the reason, when they allow this to happen it affects their families deeply. Their mate may receive very little attention and the children seldom see their parent at any of their school or sports events.

However, these natives are also quite sensitive, and once they realize how their lack of attention can hurt those who are close, their big hearts will naturally begin to contribute what others want and need. One plan is to put all of the family’s important events on their calendar—plus a reminder to acknowledge their mate in special ways from time to time. They are learning to take responsibility for organizing how they spend their time and to INTEGRATE exercise, work, family, socializing, and recreational activities into their schedule in order to create a well-balanced life.

Perhaps the area where they most need to set personal limits is in their relationships with others. These people understand others deeply and feel a lot of compassion. Often they allow themselves to be taken advantage of—not due to lack of intelligence, but because they have such a kind heart. For instance, if someone does something hurtful to the native, often there’s not a confrontation and no consequence—and the other person soon realizes this.

When the native is “kind to a fault” and allows another to treat them badly, they feel sad that the other person is taking advantage of their loving nature. Then they feel sorry for themselves and see themselves as a victim. With this dynamic they’re always afraid that people will take advantage of them and may have a hard time trusting anyone. This blocks intimacy, because when another person senses that the native doesn’t trust them, they pull back and become distrustful as well. In order to create healthier relationships, these people are learning to set and respect personal limits and not to allow abusive behavior from others.

Healing Anxiety and Shame—Staying in the Present Moment

Virgo North Node people have had many past lives in seclusion, often in monastic environments, but also in institutions—even jails—either as a result of their own behavior or as an innocent victim. Part of the reason for this seclusion was that it provided time for self-examination, purification, and spiritual growth. As a result, they have come into this lifetime with a forgiving and non-judgmental attitude toward others, but this lack of past life experience navigating out in the world has left them feeling helpless and insecure.

These people experience constant, free-floating anxiety and fear that others will take advantage of them. They are also prone to panic attacks and other anxiety-induced reactions. These natives are learning that the best way to deal with this problem is to focus on the physical realities of the present moment. When they consciously increase their awareness of the colors of someone’s clothes, the temperature of the air on their skin, or the smells on the breeze, their anxieties naturally relax.

Another issue they struggle with due to their incarnational history is that—on an unconscious level—they feel ashamed of their past life imprisonment and institutionalization. Because of their level of spiritual awareness, they tend to feel this was their fault even if they were not directly responsible. As a result, it can be difficult for them to feel on an equal footing in their interactions with others. This poses a challenge in terms of creating healthy relationships, where equality is such an essential factor.

These natives are also hypersensitive to others’ opinions of them and often feel like they’re being judged. If they think someone is looking down on them unjustly, they become indignant—either lashing out or feeling superior and withdrawing. But if they think someone is looking down on them concerning something they already feel anxious about, then they’re devastated. For example, I have a Virgo North Node client who is a cancer survivor. Before her hair had grown back she was in a health food store and another woman dropped something. My client reached over to pick it up and the woman screamed: “Don’t touch me!” My client felt like crawling into a hole.

Another client with this nodal position was in a bookstore. She noticed that the owner was very respectful toward the man in front of her, commenting favorably on the book he had selected. But when she stated her book choice, she thought he looked at her disdainfully and she felt really belittled; she just wanted to run out of the store. This oversensitivity gives other people entirely too much power over the native’s emotional state.

In fact, their anxiety about how others might respond to them makes them hesitant to go out in the world and relate to others spontaneously. They tend to keep their guard up, fearing that if they reveal too much of themselves someone will judge them. In fact, when they really like someone, they tend to get nervous and may even stumble over their words—almost as if they feel like there’s something they have to hide. They tend to think that if they are themselves, the other person will see some negative part of them and won’t like them.

These people are learning to focus less on their internal states and do more on a practical level to create positive, tangible results. For instance, my client could have had a different experience with the bookstore owner if she had engaged him as an equal by discussing what the book was about or sharing why she wanted to read it. But instead she withdrew because she felt ashamed. In personal relationships this dynamic blocks intimacy, since the native tends to pull back from a situation rather than stepping forward to create a higher level of understanding with their partner.

With all they have been through in past incarnations, this nodal group more than any other has earned the comfort of knowing that in the Big Picture, life is unfolding as it should. They come into this lifetime firmly anchored in this awareness, but most of them lose touch with it early on when they begin to feel criticized or when unpleasant things happen that they can’t control. Then their past life feelings of shame and anxiety may overwhelm them, resulting in a tendency to replay negative situations over and over—spiraling themselves into a pit of agitation and fear. At any time, they can “stop the replay” and reconnect with their innate spiritual trust to regain calm.

Virgo North Node people usually reprocess everything. They worry that their clothes don’t fit right, their haircut isn’t attractive, they’ve made a bad business decision, the neighbor doesn’t like them, etc.—and it makes those around them crazy! These natives are the nodal group most prone to panic attacks, until they remember how to consciously tap into their underlying trust in the Universe. Then they can focus on creating a practical plan to deal with their current circumstances appropriately.

However, until they regain this awareness, Virgo North Node people feel a constant need to pull others into their internal anxieties. Another may try to help, but the native’s needs can seem like a bottomless pit and sometimes both people end up feeling trapped in the native’s negative energy. They have spent many lifetimes focused on purification, but in this lifetime their habit of self-attention can sabotage their relationships. Their partner often ends up feeling that real intimacy is impossible because the native is so self-absorbed. If these people mainly relate to others by talking about themselves and their problems, it doesn’t allow for a deeper, more mutually satisfying connection to develop. As a result, their relationships take on a superficial tone and both people are deprived of the richness of true intimacy.

The irony is that when the native focuses their attention on someone else, their innate sensitivity allows them to accurately see and articulate what’s going on with the other person. In fact, these people have a gift for drawing others out. People tend to feel safe with the native and speak frankly, because they sense they won’t be judged. Not only does this establish the kind of mutually satisfying connection these people seek, but as they demonstrate Love by helping another, it reestablishes their own confidence in being able to function in the world. And when they feel good about themselves, their underlying anxiety and shame dissipates.

The challenge Virgo North Node people have with focusing on others is compounded by the fact that they are usually quite sensitive and shy. They often refrain from attending social events due to their anxiety about how others see them. In a social setting it’s easy for their anxiety to become overwhelming. Without a defined “job,” they don’t know how to fit in and participate.

One of the ways they can cope with this obstacle is to learn to define their own “job” in these situations. In fact, this is a “serve or suffer” lifetime for these people; if their intention is to be of service in a practical way, a pathway for creating a feeling of confidence will naturally emerge. For example, if the native is at a party and begins to feel anxious, their best bet is to focus on how they can be of help to another in a tangible way. It might be offering to assist in the kitchen, or approaching someone who is alone and helping them feel included.

These natives are learning that if they focus their attention on participating in some way that helps the situation progress in a positive direction, they automatically gain confidence and begin to feel at ease. And they will be amazed at how appreciatively others respond when they act on the purity of their intent.

Learning a Practical Approach to Creating Healthy Relationships

One of Virgo North Node people’s lessons this lifetime is to stay in touch with concrete circumstances and respond to others in practical ways as a situation unfolds. Until they learn to do this they tend to focus on their internal perceptions of events, which often lead to unhealthy emotional reactions—the most problematic of which are their hypersensitivity to rejection and a tendency to take things personally.

These people often have a deep fear that they aren’t “good enough” in the eyes of others, and they frequently experience rejection in situations where another person might not. If they think they’ve been rejected, it activates their internal “anxiety treadmill”: “What’s the matter with me? What doesn’t she like about me? What am I doing wrong?” They tend to focus on themselves and their flaws—real or imagined—and can’t analyze the situation objectively. For instance, I have a Virgo North Node client who goes to dance clubs. Other people know that, practically speaking, if you go to a dance club you will experience rejection, in that not everyone you ask to dance is going to agree—but it’s not personal. But when my client asks a girl to dance, if she says no, he takes it personally, feels crushed, and wonders what’s wrong with him.

The native’s extreme sensitivity can block intimacy in their relationships. When they feel rejected they usually mope around and don’t even try to connect with the other person to find out what’s really going on. And this dynamic is another reason it’s so difficult for them to say no. If someone declines their invitation, the native feels slapped down, so they fear that the other person would be wounded in a similar situation.

They are learning that when others say no, it usually doesn’t have anything to do with them. The other person may not be interested in that particular activity, or the timing doesn’t work for them, etc., but the native is so afraid of rejection that they hesitate to call them again. A more constructive response is for the native to quiet their mind and get some objective information about the other person’s reasons—then they won’t take it personally. Analysis is in order. Also, by consciously reconnecting with their motive for inviting them in the first place—that it would enrich the other person’s life as well as their own—the native will be less self-conscious about asking them another time.

These people are finding that they will experience greater success in their relationships by taking the risk to check out their perceptions with those involved. If the circumstance is not emotional—i.e., work related—they are able to be more objective. But in romantic or emotional situations, they may be too anxious to go after what they want. These folks are learning to participate in creating what they want, rather than withdrawing.

I had a client with this nodal position who became pregnant. When she told her boyfriend, he said he wanted to marry her, but she said no and ended the pregnancy. Later, upon reflection, she wished she had said yes. It had been a good relationship and they felt a lot of love for each other. She only said no because she feared his parents wouldn’t think she was good enough. She just reacted out of her fear of rejection instead of taking time to really analyze the situation and discuss it with her boyfriend—which can be a self-sabotaging tendency of this nodal group.

When challenges arise, these people are learning to give themselves the time they need to get in touch with the results they would like to create. In this situation, my client needed to slow down and acknowledge what her boyfriend was offering (“Thank you for asking me.”). Then she could share what she wanted to create (“I would like to say yes, because I feel we could have a happy life together.”). It would also be important that she take the risk to honestly state her concerns (“But I have a lot of fear that your parents will reject me.”). This would have given her partner a chance to work it out with her by analyzing the situation and coming up with a plan together.

Because of their past life history, Virgo North Node people lack confidence in terms of being out in the world, and tend to be very shy, especially when they’re young. Then, when they get their first job, they discover that not only do they have a tremendous ability to succeed in the workplace, but they also feel comfortable there. A job requires exactly the talents they are here to discover and develop this lifetime: the ability to bring order out of chaos in the external world by taking a practical approach. These people have an innate talent for synthesis—taking little strands of concrete information and weaving them into something meaningful. So they naturally excel at work and feel confident because they have a defined task to do.

They have a much more difficult time in social situations, where their “task” isn’t clearly defined by someone else. On a personal level they don’t know what to do in order to succeed, and tend to feel insecure and anxious. They are learning to apply the same principles that give them confidence at work to dealing with other areas of their life. Whatever the situation, involving themselves in some helpful task automatically makes them feel connected and confident; demonstrating unconditional love by being of service always creates positive results and gives them confidence.

For example, one client with this nodal position had a good job and felt ready for a serious relationship. But he was extremely anxious approaching women, so I suggested that he stay focused on finding a way to be of service. While attending a college reunion he felt attracted to the woman tending bar. First he just engaged in small talk, and then he asked if she was hungry. There was an abundance of delicious food but she wasn’t allowed to leave her post, so he brought her a plate of food. Having an intent to be of service and defining a “task” for himself gave my client confidence, and by the end of the evening he had successfully asked her out.

In just this way, when Virgo North Node people find practical ways to take tangible action, they lose their fear and anxiety and realize that they have the ability to create positive results in every area of their life.

Creating Win-Win Situations: Responding to Others in Constructive Ways

From experiencing so much violence and deprivation in past incarnations, Virgo North Node people have learned to respond to others with forgiveness and unconditional love, but it has also made them hypervigilant. In this lifetime they are overly sensitive to other people’s words and actions. This makes it challenging for them to respond to others in constructive ways that create win-win resolutions.

For instance, if someone is upset at an intensity of “one,” the native will feel it internally as an intensity of “nine.” They often pick up on the smallest changes in another’s body language or tone of voice, and by the time the other person actually says something to them, the native experiences it like a blow. It’s even worse when they have let their defenses down and trust someone who later responds in a way that—to them—seems emotionally harsh. Then the native reacts by armoring themselves emotionally, which makes intimacy impossible.

These people also had past lives where, as a consequence of others’ false accusations, they were martyred. As a result, in this lifetime false accusations are an especially loaded issue, to which their instinctive “survival mode” reaction is most often profound withdrawal. They don’t even try to defend themselves, because they feel too far “above” the other person to dignify their allegation with a response.

This dynamic sabotages their relationships if instead of taking action to uncover what’s behind the other person’s misconception, the native just cuts them off. This “punishes” the other person, but doesn’t give them any accurate information. In fact, many times they never know what they did wrong or why the native is so angry. Both parties lose the chance to grow from the situation and the native holds on to the feelings of anger and betrayal, which undermine their future relationships. Sometimes the only gain from a painful situation is to discover what behaviors will—and will not—produce the positive results we want to create.

Discovering what behavioral changes will better bring about the results they seek is vital for Virgo North Node people to create a success. However, they often resist this process because, unconsciously, they know they tend to overreact to anything that makes them feel judged or criticized. Due to so many past lives where their only goal was to clear out all “internal errors,” if someone says, “This isn’t right about you,” they experience a paralyzing fear of being less than their vision of their highest self. Then their overactive mind can gain control and send them into a tailspin of introspection and anxiety. When they try to guard against this reaction, it blocks intimacy, since when others try to help them grow by pointing out self-sabotaging behaviors, their fear may come across as stubborn rigidity. As a result, the other person experiences them as closed and unapproachable—unwilling to listen or to compromise.

Ironically, if it’s obvious that there’s some truth to what the other person has said, the native may become angry. Instead of focusing on their flaws, they want others to see the bigger picture of “who they really are” in the context of their life as a whole.

For example, one client with this nodal position was saving every penny to help put his disabled sister through college. When a friend commented that he was stingy because he never offered to treat for dinner, the native was upset. However, he had never shared about this aspect of his life. These people are learning that it takes time for another person to get to know them, and it’s understandable if occasionally someone comes to a wrong conclusion. Again, this calls for the native to actively participate in the situation and respond to their friend by supplying more information, instead of just shutting down or lashing out. When they step forward, they can bring order out of the confusion and create a win-win situation for all concerned.

In reality, Virgo North Node people don’t have any more flaws or emotional baggage than anyone else. The difference is that those in other nodal groups aren’t usually so aware of—and focused on—their “baggage.” In this lifetime, one lesson for this is to objectively see—and accept—the person they really are. If someone says they have a certain quality, they are learning to discriminate between the objective content of what the other person is saying and the emotions it triggers within them. Then they can say: “Well, let me think about that.” Later they can go back and respond: “You know, I don’t really think I have that behavior” or “Thank you for pointing that out. I do have that behavior and I’m going to work on changing it.” These natives can gain this ability just by becoming aware and focusing their attention when they interact with others.

However, until they get to this point in their life, when others offer any type of feedback, the native tends to react defensively—and their defense mechanisms vary. One may become domineering, another petty and testy, and another may completely withdraw. Whatever the differences, their defensive reactions damage their relationships because others feel they can’t connect to work things out with them.

Also, when the native takes their input personally, the other person tends to take their response the same way. It’s not personal, it’s just their reaction, but the person on the receiving end may take it personally because the native’s style of delivery can hurt. And whether the other person stands their ground or pulls back, this dynamic blocks intimacy because their partner feels that they can’t just be themselves—if they speak and act spontaneously, they might hurt the native’s feelings or provoke a defensive reaction. All these constraints make it a lot less fun to do things with the native.

Another issue is that these folks tend to consider themselves to be “amateur experts” in many areas and are always willing to share their information with others. However, when others want to return the favor and share advice with them, if the content has any emotion attached to it—or if another person says they “should” do something—the native pulls back. They have a lot of resistance to allowing others to help them progress. But the reality is that it’s very difficult for any of us to make constructive changes unless we receive feedback when we are off track.

One way these people can bypass defensive reactions is to participate in a situation where giving and receiving constructive feedback is the stated goal—such as group or peer counseling, or meetings with other professionals. Even a clear agreement with a friend to engage in mutual problem-solving can help the native to heal this issue. They are learning that we are all in this together, helping each other learn and grow, and empowering one another to attain greater levels of self-actualization and joy.

Overcoming a Self-Sabotaging Tendency to Play the Victim Role

Virgo North Node people have past life memories of being an “unsuspecting victim,” so in this lifetime they are very wary of putting themselves in situations where they might actually be victimized. Ironically, they also tend to feel sorry for themselves and take on the role of helpless victim in the face of any disappointment or loss, acting as if they must just hopelessly suffer through the situation.

Sometimes when they are immersed in seeing themselves as the “helpless victim,” they will also try to cast someone close to them in the role of their “savior.” But even when they ask for help, they are often reluctant to take any tangible steps that could actually shift their circumstances. Their willingness to give up so easily and their dependence on their chosen “savior” make it difficult for their loved ones.

One client, whose mother had this nodal position, would tell her: “Mom, please don’t call me so often, it’s not healthy for me to do everything for you.” Then her mother would say: “Yes, but I lost my husband and I don’t have any other children to turn to—only you.” She would also say things like: “So and so sees their daughter three times a week and they do everything together.” This mother had a certain idea of what her daughter’s role should be and she was insistent that her daughter play it. But when these natives try to force someone into a role, it pushes the other person away and blocks the intimacy they want so much to experience.

Her mother’s dependency became very stressful for my client. She said: “It feels like a huge responsibility. She gets very worried if she can’t find me, and her emotional needs are like a bottomless pit.” The daughter feels they can’t be close in REAL ways because they’re constantly immersed in her mother’s “pea soup” of anxiety. She loves her mother, but has to keep some distance emotionally. She also feels angry because she would like to have a healthy relationship with her mother. Actually, her anger and resentment help to keep her from getting enmeshed in her mother’s unhealthy dynamics. It’s like quick-sand—it takes a lot of energy to keep from being pulled under.

This pattern of victim behavior really sabotages the relationships of Virgo North Node people. When these folks are so lost in their own anxiety that they can’t be present in the here and now, there’s no context in which they can truly connect with the other person. One of their lessons this lifetime is to find ways to rise above their anxious mental state. They may have a whole laundry list of reasons not to take practical steps to create positive change for themselves. However, others won’t want to be close to them until they demonstrate their strength and start transforming their personal chaos into a productive, healthy order. They are learning to take steps to create routines that give them the structure they need.

However, this simple practical resolution may be overlooked by Virgo North Node people, because in past incarnations they developed the ability to resolve their external problems by pulling back and working on their own internal issues. But this technique is no longer appropriate for them in this lifetime. Now they are learning to resolve their internal issues by taking practical measures to remedy situations on an external level. When they follow their unconscious tendencies to focus inward, it increases their anxiety and makes the situation worse. But until they gain this awareness, this issue undermines their ability to create intimacy in their relationships.

A very powerful experiment for these folks is for them to deliberately change their focus. If they approach any situation with the intention of being of service to others, their fear and anxiety disappear like magic. They have a conscious purpose, and that purpose—the desire to help another—empowers them to rise above their internal anxieties and stop being “a victim.” In the previous example, the mother’s focusing on her daughter’s life—on what she could do to help or be of service—would have relieved many of her anxieties about herself.

Many things can prompt Virgo North Node people to fall into the victim role: physical ailments, a disappointing love affair, problems on the job, the death of someone close, etc. But they are also prone to this dynamic even in less dramatic circumstances. One scenario is that if someone belittles them, the native will often take the victim position. Rather than objectively evaluating what the other person says—and setting them straight if it’s not accurate—they tend to automatically believe the other’s view of them and feel diminished.

For example, I had a Virgo North Node client whose boyfriend played mind games that triggered her “less than” feelings, even though she was more attractive, better educated, and made more money than he did. At one point she wrote an article that was published in the main journal of her profession. When she asked her boyfriend to look at it, he said: “I wouldn’t understand it, so why bother?” Yet when his friend’s daughter wrote an article that was equally technical, he went out of his way to make sure it was seen and appreciated—and my client was crushed.

These people are learning that they need to step up to the plate and take a more active role in making sure their relationships are just and equal. In this situation, my client could have pointed out to her boyfriend what happened, stated that she wanted and deserved his respect and support, and let him know how his behavior needed to change in order for her to remain in the relationship. If these natives don’t actively participate in their relationships, it blocks intimacy. If they give so much to another and allow that person to not give back, they feel betrayed and end up withdrawing.

Virgo North Node people are learning to stop playing the part of the victim. Once they see that—regardless of external circumstances—staying stuck in their internal chaos is debilitating and unnecessary, they will be able to approach their relationships in a more practical way. Once they define their objective, they have the ability to create a plan to attain tangible, positive results. Then they will have gained the realization that—in this lifetime—the path of the victim will not bring them the closeness they seek.

Embracing Participation in Helping Others to Heal

Although Virgo North Node people’s heightened sensitivity can get in their way socially, it also allows them to be highly effective in helping others. They are so accustomed to looking for internal imperfections that when they tune in to another, they can easily see the self-sabotaging patterns of behavior that are limiting that person—and the steps that person needs to take in order to heal those patterns. They also have a good sense of when others are willing to change, and can automatically suggest behavioral corrections in ways others can hear without feeling judged.

For example, a Virgo North Node client had a friend who drank and smoked, was overweight, and didn’t exercise. When he felt the moment was right, my client said: “You know, as you get older you really need to take care of yourself so you won’t face serious problems later on. Even if you diet, it’s not the same thing as running or working out. If you just diet, your muscles don’t get firm. But if you exercise as well, you not only improve your health, you also tighten your muscles—including those in your face—and you look and feel younger and healthier.” His friend was really appreciative, and made a decision to go on a diet and start jogging. My client also felt good about himself because he used his capacity for judgment to be of practical service by helping his friend.

Helping others heal in this way is much more of a challenge for Virgo North Node people when they are directly affected by the other person’s behavior. Ironically, these natives will often evoke bad behavior in those with whom they’re involved because—in order to earn the right to experience happy, fulfilling relationships in this lifetime—they have to be willing to help the other person correct their self-sabotaging behaviors. When they see flaws in others, part of their job is to help other people correct self-sabotaging behavior.

Because they’ve worked on their own flaws over the course of so many lifetimes, not only can these people see others’ imperfections, but they’ve also learned compassion and can understand where the other person is coming from. However, their compassion can get in the way of their active participation. What often happens is that when the native notices another’s flaws, their first reaction is to withdraw instead of stepping forward: “I should avoid this person. They have all these unconscious issues and they’re not interacting with me in a healthy way.” Then, when they realize they are being critical, they feel guilty and are flooded with compassion and unconditional love for the other person. The only problem is that these feelings can lead them to remain in the relationship without actively participating to help the other person change their behavior.

Actually, for these natives, critical discernment is a positive element, because defining what is and isn’t working for them in their relationships gives them a better idea of how they can help heal the situation. Their worst enemy is their own tendency to withdraw, since this shifts them into a helpless position—which instead of helping the other person, just invites them to continue their negative and/or abusive behavior. When the native actively participates to correct the situation, then no matter what happens in the relationship, they can feel good about it because they’ll know they did their part to help the other person, and didn’t diminish themselves by ignoring their personal limits.

For example, another Virgo North Node client’s brother is in control of her family’s substantial holdings, but he’s mismanaging the fund and losing money. Her natural inclination is to withdraw and take the victim position rather than actively participating to correct the situation. She asked me: “Why do I have to help him heal?” The answer is simple. In helping him to heal his flaws and handle the fund more efficiently, she will not get stuck in the victim position, and will ensure—and earn the right to—her money continuing to be available.

The reality is that we are all in the process of learning and growing, and we all experience the consequences of the impure parts of our nature when they manifest in self-sabotaging behaviors. However, we can only grow if we figure out what we’re doing that isn’t working. The job of this nodal group is to step forward and help others clear out their unconscious, self-sabotaging patterns.

The challenge for these people is to figure out the mechanics of how to function in the world in a way that works and that allows them to share their gift of helping and bringing order out of chaos in tangible, productive ways. An added benefit is that this will also bring the native opportunities to glimpse the process they are learning on a Soul level and that others inherently know: how anxieties are healed by taking practical, tangible steps in the “here and now” to overcome personal flaws or limiting external circumstances.

Succeeding in Sexually Intimate Relationships

Virgo North Node people are very compassionate and they give a lot out of Love. They want to be valued for what they do, and if their partner doesn’t appreciate them, they feel taken advantage of. But when the partner does acknowledge the native and show their appreciation, the native feels good about themselves and the relationship.

These people often fear that if they care about someone deeply, trust them, and bond with them, they will get hurt. When they do become devoted to a partner, they tend to make that person their focus and—because of their difficulty in setting personal limits—they can become too vulnerable. Then they are at risk for giving away their power and surrendering their individuality. They may care for their partner so much that they become almost like a slave, going to any length to make them happy.

However, there’s a huge difference between being of service—a position of strength for the native—and being a slave, which completely devitalizes them. Being a slave means that they tune in to their partner emotionally at every moment, and sacrifice their own needs and desires to cater to the other person’s every perceived whim. Being of service requires the native to approach the situation from a practical rather than an emotional orientation and participate in a way that is helpful and empowering for all concerned, including themselves.

As an example, a Virgo North Node client’s boyfriend wanted the benefits of a primary relationship and the freedom to be sexually involved with others. From the position of being a slave, my client would have gone along with him even if she felt diminished. But being of service meant discussing the practical ramifications of such an arrangement with her boyfriend. For one thing, since her nature was monogamous, if her boyfriend wanted to pursue this path, then honoring her personal limits would prompt her to seek a mate who shares her values.

If these people don’t identify and respect their personal limits and end up giving their power to their partner, it blocks intimacy, because one essential ingredient—equality—no longer exists. The native realizes they are too vulnerable—they lose respect for themselves, and their partner loses respect for them. Then the other person often becomes selfish because they know the native will put up with their bad behavior. Over time, this can become a downward spiral where the native tends to let their partner “get away” with things more and more, manipulate them, take advantage of them, and treat them abusively. The relationship is also damaged in other ways. For instance, because they feel so vulnerable, the native withdraws their emotional energy and can no longer be truly present with their partner.

Virgo North Node people become very weak if they allow a situation of emotional abuse to develop. A co-dependency emerges where the other person needs the native to build them up, and the native feels that their partner is holding them up. Sometimes this situation activates a dormant capacity within the native to love in an unhealthy, sacrificial way, which if left unchecked almost takes on the dynamics of an S&M relationship.

These people are learning that, in this lifetime, the right action is the path of creating healthy, productive outcomes by honoring their personal limits and taking practical action, rather then immersing themselves in emotions of the situation. In fact, if they really care about someone, they will step forward and help them heal their bad behaviors. For instance, if their girlfriend steps on their foot, rather than simply letting it go because it was unintentional, it’s better for them to say: “You stepped on my foot and it hurt!” This gives the other person an opportunity to notice their careless behavior and how it affects the native.

Another issue is that Virgo North Node people carry subconscious memories of past lives in monasteries and institutions where other people made the rules. As a result, they experience a lot of anxiety because they feel like they can only bring order to their world under the auspices of someone else. In their primary relationship, they think their partner will set the rules and the routine, and that if they follow “the plan” and are “perfect” in front of the other person, their partnership will be successful.

These people are learning that, in reality, they have to organize their own world and set their own routines, but they have the fear that their relationship can’t work until everything is in “perfect” order. One way past this block is for them to analyze what needs to happen in just one area of their life, and write it down so that it becomes tangible. This will allow them to make a plan to get that particular piece in order. Then, as long as they are on track implementing their plan, they will feel good about themselves and can be more available to create intimacy with their partner from a position of equal power.

Until the native becomes willing to actively participate in their own life to create positive outcomes, they tend to give in to their fears and anxiety—which can manifest in different ways. They may become domineering, avoid difficult situations, become a hypochondriac, or play the victim role. Also, due to their innate shyness and lack of confidence born of past life isolation, they may refuse to socialize. This denies their mate the pleasure of doing things with other couples, and it creates stress and resentment when they have to make excuses for the native’s absence in social situations. All these ways of dealing with their inner panic are very demanding on their partner, so it supports intimacy in their relationship when the native takes action to heal their anxieties by learning techniques for dealing with situations that are daunting to them.

Virgo North Node people face other blocks to intimacy that stem from their incarnational history. For instance, in past lives they developed the ability to help others and heal difficult situations by going off alone and sending positive energy. But this technique has no power for them in this lifetime—and when it doesn’t work they are puzzled and surprised. Now they are learning that if the other person complains that their feet are cold, the native needs to bring them a pair of warm socks rather than send them positive thoughts. They will find that tangible, practical demonstrations of caring will go a long way toward opening the doors of appreciation and intimacy with their partner.

Another challenge is that the native’s fear of rejection may prevent them from authentically communicating their wants and needs to their partner. They are so sensitive that often they provide what their partner wants and needs without the other person having to ask, and subconsciously the native expects their partner to do the same for them. Unfortunately, even though it doesn’t work (since few others are as tuned in as they are), they tend to hold on to their expectation rather than taking responsibility for communicating directly. They are learning that it is only by asking for what they want that they can discover whether or not they can count on their partner to give it to them. If their partner responds positively, they are in a position to give the energy of happy gratitude back to their partner. Without this reciprocity of giving and receiving, a couple can’t grow together—so they are more likely to drift apart.

The tendency to respond defensively to the feedback of others is another block to intimacy for Virgo North Node people. Until they become conscious of this trait, these natives hate to have their behavior judged and corrected—especially by their partner—even though they are very good at helping others change in constructive ways. This makes it difficult for their partner to feel close and trusting, because they never know how the native is going to react to their input. Most of the time the native’s defensive posture is to withdraw, but sometimes they lash out in ways that are unexpectedly harsh. The other person ends up feeling that they can’t be themselves—that they have to “walk on eggshells” in order to avoid provoking a defensive reaction. And if the native is not open to their feedback, the other person is forced to constantly accommodate their fears and phobias rather than being able to help them achieve permanent solutions.

The only way out of this dilemma is to create a context—such as couples counseling—where mutual self-improvement is the defined task. Then the native can better manage his anxiety because “that’s the work that’s being done” and it’s not personal. Counseling is hugely grounding for these people and is highly recommended, either on their own or with their partner.

Until these natives find some way to overcome their fear and allow their partner to facilitate their process of self-examination and ground it in reality, the other person can’t be honest with them or help them correct individual self-sabotaging patterns—so these patterns continue to undermine their relationships. This lifetime they are learning to welcome the helpful input of others regarding their behaviors so they can also heal and grow.

How Others Can Help Them Heal

Help Them to Focus on Something Tangible

When Virgo North Node people are confused or seem to be adrift in a sea of anxiety and inaction, give them a problem to solve or a task to do and they will quickly be back on a productive course. Ask questions and encourage them to focus on the details of the situation at hand. This helps to calm their anxieties by focusing them to remain in the present moment. Then they are better able to see the bigger picture of what’s going on and make a plan to create the resolution they’re looking for.

Social situations are where these people are most likely to lose focus and become insecure and anxious, which is why they tend to shun parties and other social engagements. Encourage them to approach these gatherings with a plan of how they can be of service or make some kind of practical contribution. For instance, suggest that they offer to assist the host/hostess in the kitchen or by serving beverages to the guests. Or perhaps they could take it upon themselves to greet those who arrive unescorted. Reminding these folks to involve themselves in a clearly defined task automatically relieves their anxiety and allows them to feel comfortable while they gain confidence socially. They also feel good about themselves because they are demonstrating unconditional Love through service.

Remind Them to Stay in the Here and Now

Virgo North Node people have had so many past lives in monasteries and other places that have been like “another world” that in this lifetime, they can be careless, forgetful, and unaware of their physical environment. To help them stay grounded, encourage them to suspend daydreaming and remain aware of the physical details of their environment—the landmarks on a driving trip, the taste and texture of the food they’re eating, or the colors of the flowers in the garden. By slowing down and becoming more aware of tangible details in the present moment, they are more likely to remember such things as locking the car door, not leaving their jacket in the restaurant, and being on time for their appointments.

Remind them to keep their focus OFF of themselves and how they are perceived, and on the other person. How can the native help others feel more confident and comfortable? In social situations, help them to notice the tangible, physical details, such as what others are wearing, the colors and decor in the room, the temperature, etc. Focusing on the PHYSICAL here-and-now aspects of the situation will automatically put them at ease within themselves.

Support Them in Establishing a Healthy Routine

Without a set routine of pre-planned activities, Virgo North Node people can easily drift into focusing too much on themselves, which results in anxiety and loss of confidence. Encourage them to take out a calendar and plan a routine that includes both the activities they need to do and those they would like to do, and schedule them at least a week in advance so that each day has some structure. For example, they need to include some form of regular exercise in their routine. It could be a long walk every Wednesday and Saturday—both the form of exercise and the number of days would depend on their individual lifestyle and goals. The most important part is that it’s scheduled on a regular basis.

These people also benefit from regular meal times and set times for going to bed and getting up in the morning. If they need more social activity, suggest that dinner or a movie with a friend could be part of their pre-planned weekly routine. Encourage them to gain a wider variety of interests to keep them occupied and create a more balanced life. Having a routine and sticking to it will go a long way in helping them stay grounded and confident, and prevent their tendency to become overly focused on one or two areas to the exclusion of other parts of their life.

Having an animal companion is another thing that is very healthy and enriching for Virgo North Node people. A pet gives them the experience of unconditional Love that they so deeply need, as well as providing a built-in routine of regular pet care. This provides an ongoing element of grounding for these people that is balancing for them psychologically. So if it is appropriate, encourage them to acquire an animal friend—perhaps being of service by adopting one from a local shelter.

Help Them to Deal with Anxiety by Creating Structure

Virgo North Node people are not comfortable with spontaneity. Without a plan they are likely to become fearful and confused. So if they are feeling anxious about something—going to a social event or interacting with another person—help them create a plan that can give them the confidence and reassurance they find with structure. For example, if you are attending a party together, let them know in advance how long you want to stay, your intention in attending the event, and what you would like to accomplish while you’re there. When they have a plan and a purpose for going, they will likely feel much more confidant.

To help provide the structure they need, encourage them to make a list in the morning to plan their day. If there is an area where they feel insecure (for example: their finances, or a health issue), encourage them to take immediate practical action to check things out on a factual level. When they gain more data and can analyze the situation, their confidence is restored.

Structure also gives them confidence in their personal relationships. Let them know where you are going and when you plan to be back, and call them in advance of your return to let them know you’re on your way. All these things help to relax their internal anxiety and put them at ease.

Encourage Them to Keep Their Attention on Creating Productive Results

Encourage the native to respond to feelings of anxiety by intentionally focusing on how to create a practical, positive outcome—whatever the situation. If they think they don’t have enough information to take action, remind them that they can ask for more tangible details about what is going on. This will relax their anxiety and empower them. For example, if they are worried about a pain in their left side and their imagination is coming up with an endless list of possible diseases, encourage them to see a doctor. A sensible hands-on approach works wonders for them.

If they are worried about not being able to handle their bills, suggest that they make a list of their monthly expenses. Putting everything on paper helps them see things realistically, and they will ENJOY the process, as it will help restore their sense of being in charge. If they are worried about their job, encourage them to approach their boss for a reality check, but remind them to keep their focus on the job itself. For instance, they could say: “I really enjoy working for you and like my job. Is there any area that I need to focus on in order to improve our results?”

Habits to Discourage

Isolation as a way of dealing with anxiety or fear: These people have a self-sabotaging tendency to withdraw from perceived confrontations. Remind them that setting personal limits and saying no are ways of being of service to others. It gives the other person accurate information about the native, and helps them to learn the importance of not overriding another person’s boundaries.

Having “blind faith” in friends or lovers: Discourage their tendency to trust others indiscriminately. Remind them to notice how a person treats others because that is also the way they will treat the native. Encourage them to stay in touch with reality and accept the consistency of the behavior of others.

Indulging in victim thinking: Playing the victim role will not work for these people in this lifetime. Do not go along with them when they indulge in blaming others or feeling sorry for themselves. Do encourage them to make a positive, practical plan for their current circumstances.