I can hardly concentrate on work when Wednesday arrives.
‘Violet?’ says Irfan sharply as I zone out of a meeting with an author. Heat creeps up my neck. It’s a debut and really important that I listen to the writer’s ideas on how they’d like to be branded. After they’ve left, Irfan calls me back into the side room.
‘What’s up? You kept staring into space. And yesterday Felicity complained that you’d not replied to two of her emails, one of them marked urgent.’ He offers me one of the biscuits but I decline. I had juice for lunch and apart from that, am managing on black coffee.
‘Whilst Felicity apologised, we still have to do our damndest to prove our ability as editors.’ His voice softens. ‘You okay?’
‘Yes. Sorry. I didn’t sleep well last night. And I’m going to have to leave early.’ I consult my watch. It’s four. ‘In half an hour. I hope that’s okay. I’ll check my inbox again before I go.’
Irfan stretches out and yawns. ‘Fair enough. And Farah’s coming in any minute – we’re leaving early too as we’re still catching up from the weekend.’
‘The washing machine flooding?’
‘It looks like we’ll need new flooring in both the kitchen and living room.’ He sits more upright. ‘But I got in an hour early this morning. Perhaps you could do that tomorrow.’
I’m just about to leave my desk when Farah appears. She gives Irfan a kiss and then comes over to give me a hug. My arms hang by my sides as I allow hers to circle my shoulders. Eventually she pulls away.
‘Everything okay?’ she says.
‘Shouldn’t it be?’ I reply and my stomach scrunches up, waiting for her to make a critical comment. I used to appreciate her maternal worries. Now I find they are just plain patronising.
She delves into her pocket and pulls out a chocolate bar. ‘You should try this. It’s my current favourite.’
‘No thanks,’ I say abruptly. I’m not going to defend myself and make up some excuse as to why I can’t eat it. Why should I have to?
‘Oh, go on – otherwise I’ll only eat it.’
My forehead tightens and I glance around. A couple of employees are staring. I feel my cheeks blush. ‘Farah. Please. No,’ I say in a low voice.
‘But—’
Suddenly I feel overwhelmed by tiredness and something snaps inside me, like it had on Sunday with Kath. She and Kath never used to give me any advice when it really mattered, when I used to live my life with so little style.
‘I know the changes I’ve made might make you question your own lifestyle, but that’s your problem, not mine.’
‘What do you mean?’ She shoves the chocolate bar back into her pocket.
‘Perhaps you think you could do with losing a few pounds, just like I needed to. There’s nothing to feel ashamed of. You can change too. I’ll help if you want.’
Farah looks down at herself and back up again. ‘I’ve had children. I’m middle-aged. As long as the doctor is happy, so am I.’ Her voice wavers. ‘My life’s got more in it than worrying about the size of my thighs – and yours used to as well.’
She can’t see how successful people have to be the whole package.
‘And good for you,’ I say, exasperation sneaking into my voice. ‘But please – respect my choices.’ I turn and head for the toilets. I’m just about to go in when someone takes my arm.
‘You’ve upset Farah. I know she can go overboard sometimes, but it’s only because she cares.’ Irfan shakes his head. ‘What’s going on? This last week or so you’ve had your mind elsewhere. This isn’t like the Violet we know.’
‘And that’s a bad thing? She wasn’t exactly the most popular member of the team.’
‘What are you talking about?’ His brow knots.
He’s so naïve.
I push the Ladies’ door open and go inside. I get changed in one of the cubicles and when I come out, one of the design team says they love my dress. Bella is a hard task master and lately has been making decisions for me. Sometimes I disagree, but she raises one of her finely threaded eyebrows. It’s a look I don’t like to argue with. So I’ve consumed nothing but juiced fruits and vegetables for two days. But my skin is translucent and my collar bones show as if I’m one of those influencers everyone loves on Instagram. And tonight, I’m wearing one of Bella’s animal print dresses.
I stare into the mirror. The door creaks closed and I’m left alone. My stomach pinches as I take in the sophisticated reflection and an unexpected sob escapes my lips. Any transformation will have its challenges. Just because I don’t quite know who I am at the moment doesn’t mean I won’t soon. I’m not a bitch, am I, for the way I’m standing up for myself with Farah and Kath? They are in the wrong, not feeling happy for the way I’m turning my life around. I can’t help it if it makes them uncomfortable.
I think back to my unhappy days at primary school, that Halloween, Alice and the spider. How I’d felt sorry for her when she cried and offered a tissue. What a schmuck. It’s about time I stood up for myself and stopped worrying about the welfare of others so much.
I make some last adjustments to my hair, take a selfie and post it on Instagram. Thanks to the lighting in the Ladies’, it doesn’t need a filter. My shoulders relax as the likes start to arrive. Hugo dispels any further doubts as I walk past reception.
‘Can you bottle what you are on and give some to me?’ he says, coming around from his desk.
Hugo kisses my hand and I sashay out of the building.