It’s Sunday lunch time. I sit in the Canterbury Tales. The landlord I met at the Chapter Battle recognises me and jokes about why a woman of my class would waste her time with a scoundrel like Casey. I take out my phone and look at Vintage Views. The latest review is one by Nora about a gay romance. Pauline’s before that focuses on a top ten thriller. They are gaining followers, some influential, and by the looks of it, quickly learning how to best use hashtags.
Gay romance. See, your friends aren’t outdated or old.
I ignore the voice in my head that dares to disagree with Bella and I sip my sparkling water. Casey texted and suggested meeting for lunch. He’s the kind of man who appreciates transparency, so I’ve decided to ask him outright about Beatrix’s underwear. I start to read Nora’s review when the table rocks. Casey steadies the scratched surface and puts down his pint.
‘Sorry I’m a bit late. I overslept,’ he explains and sits down.
Was he with Beatrix again?
‘Vi?’
‘What? Oh, no problem. I haven’t been here long.’
‘Everything okay? Why did you rush off yesterday despite my irresistible offer of pancakes and cherries?’ His hand covers mine. ‘After fainting like that, I was worried when you didn’t reply to my texts until late last night.’
‘Sorry. I was still recovering. It must have been the heat and too much drink.’ Keeping my tone light, I raise my glass. ‘I’m still rehydrating.’
Casey studies my face. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘Nothing. Look, let’s order and—’
He puts the menu on the table next to ours. ‘I’m serious. Friday night… it was…’ He shook his head. ‘There’s no other words. Vi, it was fucking fantastic. I can’t stop thinking about it.’
I almost cry. Lenny shredded our love story and left it in bits. Yet here I am now, feeling like this, part of something new that feels as if it could really be worth something.
But I can’t let my emotions interfere with the plan that’s almost fully executed.
‘It was a difficult day. I fell out with my neighbour.’
‘How so?’
‘Oh, this and that…’
Casey takes a mouthful from his pint. He knows I’m holding back. I can’t bear to see him hurt.
‘She doesn’t approve of my flatmate, Bella.’
‘Why?’
‘Since she’s moved in, I’ve kind of overhauled my lifestyle.’
‘In what way?’
‘I got fit. Bought a new wardrobe. Just had a refresh but Kath doesn’t like change. She misunderstands things that she thinks she knows about Bella. It’s complicated. She even called her a parasite.’
A shiver runs down my spine as I recall how angry Bella was this morning when she came home, and I let slip that Kath had been in her room. It all came tumbling out of my mouth – what Kath had discovered in there. How she didn’t approve of my new flatmate. I’d never heard Bella shout before.
‘Don’t you ever forget what a pathetic creature you were before being friends with me.’ Bella’s chest heaved and her ponytail cut through the air violently. ‘Don’t you remember? You let Lenny walk all over your self-esteem. What happened was no surprise. You were hardly competition for someone like Beatrix.’
I curled myself into a ball on the sofa. ‘Bella. Please,’ I said in a small voice. ‘I’m sorry. I hate to see you upset. I stuck up for you. You’ve got to believe me.’
She pursed her lips. ‘I’ve made you what you are today. And how do you repay me? By talking about me to other people?’
‘It wasn’t like that.’ My voice wavered. ‘You must know how much I respect you.’
Finally her frown disappeared. She sat down next to me. We’d hugged and once more my world felt all right.
Bella was right to remind me that before meeting her, I was a nobody.
She’s turned my life around.
I mustn’t ever forget that.
‘What did you used to look like?’ Casey pushes his pint away and leans forwards.
I give a nervous laugh. ‘Let’s just say not quite as on trend.’
‘Is that so important?’
‘Clearly you follow fashions, so you don’t need to ask me.’
He looked genuinely puzzled and gazes down at his Hawaiian T-shirt, which somehow looks cool with his leather jacket. ‘No I don’t. I just buy what I like.’
‘Then you must be blessed with an innate sense of style. Anyway, enough about Kath. Have you thought about Felicity’s invitation?’
‘Yes, and I’d love to. I’ve heard about the Anubis and it’s supposed to be an eye-popping venue. But until I’ve signed a deal, I don’t think it’s appropriate. It sends out the wrong message to the other publishers. I’ll email Felicity on Monday.’ He reaches for the menu and passes it to me. ‘I don’t need to look. Roast with all the trimmings for me.’
Keep your head. I look at my watch in the way men have sometimes done whilst talking to me in the past.
‘Somewhere else to be?’ he says and smiles.
And that’s why I like Casey. Straight to the point. He deserves the same in return.
‘I could ask you the same. What happened with Beatrix the other night?’ I tell him that I almost bumped into her after leaving. I mention the underwear. Make up a story about how I’d seen her once shopping in Victoria’s Secret.
‘You think I’ve slept with her?’
‘I’m just protecting my feelings. You can understand that.’
‘You’ve been hurt in the past?’
‘Haven’t we all?’
‘Nothing happened, Vi. Oh, she tried it on.’ He covers his face with one hand and shakes his head.
‘What?’
‘I’m a gentleman. I shouldn’t really say.’
I don’t reply and finish my drink, acting as if I’m about to get to my feet.
‘We’re not teenagers, Casey. I’m not interested in playing games.’
He removes his fingers. ‘Look, okay. She asked to use the bathroom and when she came out had stripped to her underwear. It was like something out of a B movie. She’s got guts, I’ll give her that. I didn’t know where to look. I told her to stop but she slipped out of those pants and threw them behind her. For once I was speechless.’
Me too.
‘Don’t get me wrong. I find lots to admire in naked women. But it felt downright sleazy. Ambition can take people to strange places. I was good friends with a male hairdresser once. Or so I thought. He’d pop into the salon for a chat. Over time I worked out he had been trying to poach my customers. My feelings had been worth nothing. His goals had made him so blinkered.’
I grimaced.
‘And as people, Beatrix and I have nothing in common. When she first arrived she made a point of saying that my lounge was only slightly bigger than her shoe closet and a deal with Alpaca would mean I could buy a proper place to live. Beatrix is all about labels and one-upmanship, which couldn’t be further from where I’m at.’ He kisses my fingers. ‘It’s the emotional connection that interests me.’
I truly believe that after reading Alien Hearts.
‘Why did her pants end up in the dirty linen bin?’
‘She left them behind and I didn’t know what to do with them.’ He grimaces. ‘Out of sight out of mind.’
They didn’t sleep together. Mostly, it’s a relief for my heart, but also for my head.
Casey is curious about my flatmate. I tell him about her spa job and her exercise and juicing tips. Briefly we fight over the bill. I win so he insists on taking me to the cinema during the week.
I hesitate because I can tell he is keen. It’s hard, trying to manipulate. It’s not something I’m used to – partly because I’ve never had the necessary tools before.
I stand up. ‘Lunch has been great. Thanks for the cinema invitation, but I’ll have to say no. I’ve got a full-on week ahead at the office with preparations for next Saturday. I’ve got goody bags to fill and Irfan and I are working on a presentation. In fact, that reminds me to check the projector. I also need to check in with the interns who are decorating the room side by side with the hotel. Most nights I’m going to have to work late.’
We head outside.
‘So when will I see you again?’
Tonight. Please. Us skin to skin.
‘Perhaps next week. I’ll be too tired Sunday after the celebrations. It’s going to be champagne on tap and a jazz band has been hired. We’ll be dancing until midnight.’ I reach up to kiss him on the cheek but Casey turns and my eyes close as our mouths meet. Despite all my resolutions, it’s impossible to resist.
Eventually his lips brush my neck. Sultry air warms my ear as he speaks in a husky voice.
‘Then I guess the only way I’m going to see enough of you is to come to this party – as your very own personal guest. I guess it can’t harm. No promises on the book front, though…’
A heady sense of power infuses me.
Holding hands, we hurry back to his flat.
Bella says I don’t need anyone.
But it’s lonely trying to be perfect.
Flint meets me out back at ten o’clock in the morning. It’s two weeks after we first met Tim. Even though it’s nearly the end of November, the sun is out so Mum doesn’t mind me playing in the garden. Her Sunday mornings are always spent in the lounge listening to church music on the radio and ironing. We argue a lot these days. I don’t see the point in bothering much in school. Mrs Warham hardly talks to me and lessons are boring without friends.
I secretly make a peanut butter sandwich for Tim and I take one of the little orange juice boxes that go in my lunch box.
Flint meets me by the fence and we hurry to the treehouse. It smells musty inside. Tim must have slept in there again.
He’s huddled in the corner, blowing on his fingers, and doesn’t talk until he’s eaten the sandwich.
Flint looks at me. I nod and clear my throat.
‘Flint and me have got something to ask you.’
Tim wipes his mouth and puts down the squashed orange carton. ‘How long have you two known each other?’
‘A couple of months,’ says Flint.
‘Since my Uncle Kevin died.’
Tim doesn’t say anything for several minutes. ‘That must have been tough. I loved my Auntie Sue. She always stuck up for me in front of Dad. But then she got married and moved to Wales and…’
We’ve talked a lot this week. Mum’s had to work a couple of hours late every night because someone is ill. She’s paid Zoe next door to babysit me. She’s only sixteen and we’ve come to what she calls an arrangement. Zoe lets me play in the woods for a while and I don’t tell Mum her boyfriend visits. I’ve seen them kissing on the sofa. It’s disgusting.
I really like Tim. Even though he smells. He’s started to give me a hug when I leave. It didn’t feel comfortable at first. But after the first time, he noticed the bruises on my legs. He asked me to lift up my school skirt to show him as he wanted to know how bad they were. He got very angry when I told him about Alice and said if he was at my school, he’d protect me. I felt closer to him after that.
‘So, what did you and Flint want to ask me?’ he says.
‘It’s all planned,’ says Flint.
‘We’re running away tonight. We want to live with you, Tim.’
Tim blinked for a few seconds. ‘No, that’s a bad idea. You can’t hang out with me. People wouldn’t like it.’
‘But they wouldn’t know.’ I fold my arms. ‘We’re doing it anyway. Flint and me have decided.’
Flint nods. ‘I want an adventure. It sounds so cool, sleeping under the stars.’
‘And I hate my life,’ I say. ‘Just like you did, Tim.’ I’ll miss Tinker. And my bed. I’m a little scared of the dark. I don’t like the cold. And I do like cake. But my life can’t go on as it is.
‘But it’s winter and fucking freezing out here. Wouldn’t you miss your mum?’
‘She wouldn’t miss me.’
‘I’m sure she would.’
‘Do you think your dad wishes you were back?’
‘No, but that’s different. He used to hit me and… much worse.’
Perhaps he confiscated his phone. Zoe gets really angry when her mum does that.
‘Tell him your mum hits you too,’ whispers Flint.
‘Violet… the streets aren’t a place for kids.’
My voice wavers. ‘My mum hits me too.’
That’s what Zoe would call a little white lie. She says they aren’t really bad. I’m not sure why. It’s not like white makes things better. I hate milk. And egg white. There’s nothing worse than a blank white page at the end of a school test. And Alice, with her holidays abroad, is always saying my white skin is horrid compared to hers, which is tanned.
He frowns and it makes him look older for a moment. ‘You’ve never said.’
Alice’s group cornered me the other day and punched me. They heard me telling the boys about putting the spider in her bag.
‘Don’t you believe me? My ribs are covered in bruises.’
‘Show me, Violet. Show me where you’re hurt.’
Flint nods so I take off my gloves, my coat and jumper. That leaves my vest. I hesitate as goosebumps appear on my skin.
Tim leans forward as I lift it up.
‘You said we were friends. And you said you’d protect me. There’s nothing for me at home. Mum has Ryan. Mrs Warham hates me. Alice and her lot are never going to stop being mean. Uncle Kevin is never coming back. You and Flint…’ A sob darts out of my throat. ‘You are the only people who care.’
I get cross with myself as tears run down my face. No one says anything for a few moments.
‘Okay.’ Tim rubs his forehead. ‘You and me, facing the world together.’
‘And Flint.’
‘Sure. That’s what I meant.’
I smile. Tim smiles back. We agree to meet at the treehouse at eight o’clock. Mum will be watching her Sunday night detective programme. I’ll pretend to be asleep in bed.
Tim gives me a much longer hug than usual when we say goodbye. Tells me I’m his special little girl. That he’ll always do right by me.
Tim makes me feel important. Grown up. Pretty.
Me and Flint and Tim. My own little group at last. We’ll all look out for each other.
It’s going to be ace.