Every evening this week I’ve spent in the office. Every night I’ve been out jogging, apart from Wednesday when I stayed at Casey’s. A toothbrush of mine now resides in his bathroom. I’ve discovered it’s true that his pancakes are second-to-none. I could tell that even though I only ate a few mouthfuls.
I didn’t like leaving Flossie on her own again. Bella slept over at her boyfriend’s too. I nipped back after work to check the litter tray and left food down and headed back after an early breakfast with Casey to change clothes and see her once more.
Do I feel guilty? Bella insists my life can’t revolve around a mere animal. Sometimes it used to. Once when Flossie was ill, I booked two days off work. But things have changed. They’ve had to.
Tonight – in precisely an hour – I’ll be meeting Casey outside the Anubis hotel. The canapés have been ordered. The jazz band’s song list has been approved. Yesterday I helped the interns fill the last of the goody bags. Each contains a gold pen in the shape of an Egyptian obelisk, a tote bag bearing the Thoth logo, an Egyptian musk fragranced candle and two of our latest paperback releases.
I finally finish applying my gold nail varnish and blow on it to dry.
‘Patience,’ says Bella and smiles. She shakes her head. ‘I can’t believe how well that airbrush tan sets off the white dress. You look untouchable. I’m so proud of how you’ve stuck to the plan.’
I glance at my golden arms and remember Alice, a girl from school, who used to say I was whiter than glue – and stuck around just as bad.
‘I couldn’t have done it without you,’ I say.
Bella takes my elbow and leads me from my bedroom to the lounge. We stand in front of the mirror. This final week of juicing has paid off. I’m now sporting celebrity cheeks and collar bones. Bella helped me find a suitable dress online that’s Egyptian-themed, but in a subtle way. The pleated material clings to my body, its upper edge cutting under the chest. Rising up from that were two shoulder straps that neatly covered my breasts and produced a low cleavage.
I wear a beaded gold necklace with a matching bracelet we found in Camden market. Bella chose them. She also decides on my make-up and applies it for me, the black kohl eyeliner being slightly thicker than normal.
I stare at myself in the mirror. Are those tears in Bella’s eyes?
‘You did it,’ she says. ‘Tonight you’ll show that loser Lenny just what he’s missing. And I hope Beatrix chokes on her canapés. Talk about having to eat their words. Later I want to hear every single detail.’
‘Thanks Bella. Now it’s all down to me.’
‘Just remember what we’ve talked about these last few months – how Lenny only used you to get cheap accommodation. He always bought you the same old presents for birthdays and Christmas.’ Her top lip curled. ‘How his comment to his brother that “looks aren’t everything” meant that he’d never really fancied you at all. How him getting together with Beatrix proves that he’s shallower than you could ever have imagined.’
I’ve needed Bella to spell all this out to me. I’m still not sure why I couldn’t have seen these things for myself. For the hundredth time, I feel so grateful she came into my life. Even though, just sometimes, it feels as if she’s got too much control and I’m scared of what will happen if I try to back off.
Yet deep down, I’m also scared of managing life on my own without her.
I shake myself and glance at my watch. The taxi will be here any minute.
‘This is your moment,’ she says. ‘You’re a strong, empowered woman who’s achieved every goal we set. Casey will be the final accessory for your outfit.’ Bella rubs her hands together. ‘I’ll timetable a more demanding exercise plan for the next month. Just to keep you in tip top shape.’
‘We could just carry on as we—’
Bella held up her hand. ‘I know best.’
I’ve given up trying to argue. She winks.
I head downstairs, her words in my ears. I don’t like thinking of Casey as an accessory. He has become so much more than that. I walk into the downstairs entrance area and stop dead. Kath stands there. And Nora. Pauline too. The middle of June. Of course. Kath’s birthday comes soon after Pauline’s. She talked about it a few weeks ago whilst we were still on friendly terms. She didn’t get the chance to cook for people anymore and had felt excited about laying on a small buffet. She used to do that at work when someone was leaving, or if a longstanding patient had finally become well enough to go home.
‘What a lovely outfit,’ says Nora, tentatively. ‘You look like an understated Elizabeth Taylor in Cleopatra.’
The others nod and give small smiles but look at each other as if they are unsure what to do.
‘Happy Birthday, Kath,’ I say, surprised by an ache in my chest. She hadn’t invited me tonight.
Who could blame her, says a gentle voice in my head that I haven’t heard in a while.
‘Enjoy every minute of your party, sweetheart. You deserve it.’
I go outside, relieved to see the taxi. Bella ordered it so that I’ll arrive a little late. She thinks of every last detail. Firstly, she said it won’t do Casey any harm to be kept waiting a short while. But, more importantly, it means Lenny and Beatrix will probably be there already and I can make the grand entrance she and I have dreamed of for so long.
I feel like a princess going to a ball. Perhaps I should have outgrown such outdated fantasies. But the thing is, I never really grew into them. No Prince Charming was ever going to marry Violet Vaughan. I never had a date for the prom. I didn’t mind. Uncle Kevin told me heroes came in many different guises. I didn’t need a dictionary to explain that word. I just understood what he meant and agreed. At nights I didn’t dream of being swept off my feet by a handsome man in armour. I wanted to be friends with brave Dorothy out of The Wonderful Wizard of Oz or run through the jungle with Mowgli. I wanted to share the wit of Matilda or become part of the mystery-solving Famous Five.
Lenny was the first person to make me seriously consider the appeal of those romantic fairy tales.
‘That’ll be twenty quid, love,’ says the driver.
We pull up. I pay him and get out.
The dress code is formal and Casey doesn’t disappoint in his ability to stand out. His black jacket is gothic style, emblazoned with red outlines of roses. He wears a black shirt and red bow tie. The cut accentuates his broad shoulders.
‘You look stunning, Vi.’
‘You too. I love that jacket. It’s so you.’
I kiss him on the cheek and heat instantly flames between my legs. We go inside and both stop to drink in the luxurious lobby. Two statues of the Egyptian dog god Anubis stand on either side of the reception, the top halves of their bodies resembling black jackals. Framed prints of hieroglyphic writing are dotted across the sunny blonde walls. The floor is ornate tiling. Glossy-leaved tropical plants accentuate the heatwave feel. In a bigger hotel, it would shout tacky, but in Anubis it looks exotic and sensual.
A woman introduces herself. She’s an old intern from Thoth who decided that being an agent was more for her. We haven’t seen each other for about six months. It takes her a few minutes to realise who I am. The look on her face feels like a shot of adrenalin. Casey shoots me a sideways glance.
‘It must be the airbrush tan,’ I say and we walk up a flight of stairs. I take a deep breath as we enter the hotel’s biggest conference room. I must buy the current interns a thank you present. In conjunction with the hotel manager, they’ve done a top-notch job of preparing the venue. It’s simple and classy, with just a few gold balloons featuring the number twenty. There’s a chocolate fountain in the corner run by a waitress who is also serving small cupcakes bearing the Thoth logo. On the way in, the interns wearing badges hand out drinks and personally welcome each guest. The projector is set up on a table at the front draped with a gold tablecloth, underneath which the interns have stashed the goody bags. Vases of terracotta lilies with sprayed gold leaves stand in the middle of each table and add to the dusty Egyptian ambiance. The band members, dressed in tuxedos, play smooth jazz from the back. We’re twenty minutes late and already the room is two-thirds full.
Casey and I each take a glass of champagne. I nod across the room to Felicity who grimaces and points to her watch. She’ll be giving her presentation at nine. A blogger comes over and thanks me for a book bundle I recently sent her. Irfan appears with Farah by his side. He’ll give a short talk about our children’s fiction department and he runs the key points of it past me again after Casey has shaken both their hands.
‘What a beautiful dress, Farah,’ I say about her turquoise silk saree with sequins and a leaf print.
She doesn’t meet my eye. One of the mini scones is in her hand.
Felicity and I had discussed the menu at length.
‘Nothing worse than fussy food. Keep it British. Simple. I don’t want Sushi or polenta chips.’ Felicity had pulled a face.
We’d decided on mini jacket potatoes oozing with chives and sour cream. There were tiny cornets of fish and chips. Beef-filled Yorkshire puddings. Mini cheesecakes and colourful fruit tartlets.
I fantasized a lot about food these days. Perhaps I’d treat myself to a few mouthfuls tonight.
‘And good evening to the most stunning woman in the room,’ says Hugo. ‘May I?’ He grins at Casey and leans forward to kiss me. He shakes Casey’s hand and points out several guests. Hugo’s never needed name badges. I don’t see Lenny and Beatrix.
‘Do you recognise anyone here?’ I ask Casey as Hugo disappears to mingle.
He scours the room. ‘Yes. An author from a Chapter Battle session last year. They finally signed a deal.’
‘You don’t mind if I leave you for a few seconds? I really ought to just check in with Felicity and—’
‘Hey! Lenny!’ Casey says in a loud voice.
Shit.
This is for real.
My heart beats. Our paths haven’t crossed since the launch of Gary’s Smith’s Bubbles.
This is everything I’ve worked towards. Proving to Lenny, and Beatrix, that I am good enough. That I matter. That people can’t just toss me aside like yesterday’s paper or an empty takeaway cup.
He comes over. I feel sick. Not elated.
‘Casey, mate,’ they shake hands.
He turns to me.