i have forgotten what it feels like
i must have been a little girl
i must have had no thoughts
i don’t feel beautiful anymore
i don’t feel beautiful if you are dying
i look at my cat and don’t feel beautiful
i hear music and don’t feel beautiful
i read poetry and don’t feel beautiful
* * *
i don’t think i’ll ever live by the ocean again
unless the ocean rises up in time
to meet me here
i think you would like it
in the place i grew up
people mainly want to drink there
you’re always saying there’s no time
like that episode of saved by the bell
where jesse takes caffeine pills
there are no good recipes
for cucumbers
* * *
i’ve been able to learn a few things:
politics are a lie
beauty is a lie
fame is a lie
my country is a lie
my father is a lie
i said eleven wrong things today
i stopped going to funerals
the pastor is a lie
the family is a lie
the corpse is a lie
* * *
some days i don’t want to tell you
there are very dark ways to feel
i think i’ll die
under a bridge
it’s so easy to disappear
you just walk
until you can’t see yourself
* * *
for my first eight years
i didn’t know i was alive
then my grandma placed some butterflies in a jar
and their wings stopped
and we placed their bodies behind glass
sometimes when i’m alive now
i can’t remember what i’ve said
but when i feel love
it feels like my heart could stop