Chapter Nine

NEW YEAR’S CAME AND went, the girls returned to school, and classes began again. Teachers and students were resigned to living the long, desolate stretch between the holidays and spring break. Dark, gloomy weather persisted, mirroring Bennie’s mood. She called Livie every day but avoided going to see her. She preferred not to share their talks with Olivia.

She often thought of Laura and kept her business card under the edge of the blotter on her desk. She tried to imagine an intersection of their lives that would bring them together again. She fantasized about taking the train into Manhattan and meeting Laura for lunch, but hesitated to call, assuming Laura was busy and would resent an intrusion.

During the first week in February, Bennie got a note from Olivia inviting her to supper the following Sunday. The elegant cream-colored note card with Olivia’s perfect finishing school handwriting belied her description of a ’casual early evening so that Livie can be ready for school on Monday.’ Bennie noticed that Olivia ignored that she, Bennie, would have to be ready for school as well. The note was more a summons than an invitation.

Bennie knew what Olivia’s agenda was. She wanted to take advantage of Bennie’s feelings about all the weeks with little contact with Livie. She wanted to push her toward getting back with Will.

 

***

 

The dinner was Olivia’s version of casual. Instead of serving it in the cavernous dining room, Olivia chose to have a table set up in the sunroom in front of bay windows that looked over the back gardens, still visible in the gathering twilight. Will was attentive and charming, and Livie kept them entertained chattering away about her friends at school and how her riding instructor told her that she and Dasher were becoming a better team every day. Bennie listened hungrily for any hint in her child’s excited babble that she had missed seeing Bennie.

Bennie chastened herself for being so needy. She turned her attention to Will to ask about his business. She knew that was a sure-fire way of engaging him. She was surprised when Will deflected her questions back to talk about Livie’s riding lessons.

“I’m cutting my time at work back right now. I figure the place can get along without me around for ten hours every day. I like to pick Livie up from school so she’s not late for her riding lesson.”

Olivia sat quietly, sipping her coffee and watching Bennie’s face as she talked with Livie and Will.

“It’s your bedtime, Livie. Let’s go upstairs and I’ll read you a story and your mother and father can finish their coffee,” Olivia said.

“I’d like to put her to bed, Olivia.”

Bennie was not there to spend time with Will, and she was sure that Olivia knew that well.

“Of course.” Olivia nodded.

Livie led the way upstairs. Bennie helped her with her bath and into her pajamas. The steam from the hot water made Livie’s blond hair hang in tight ringlets around her face and gave her cheeks a pink glow.

“Mama, will you stay with me till I go to sleep? You don’t have to read me a story. Scratch my back like you used to do when we were home together and I know I’ll go right to sleep so you don’t have to stay too long.”

Bennie picked up the little girl, held her in her lap and hugged her.

“Oh, Baby. Don’t you know how much I miss you and want you with me? Your daddy and I are trying to work out what’s best for you, and pretty soon you and I will be together at night like before.”

“But Daddy will be staying here, right?” The little girl asked the question matter-of-factly, as though she knew the answer. “Angela’s mother and daddy live in two different places too. She has two sets of clothes and toys, but she doesn’t have a pony. Dasher would have to live here, right?”

Bennie was unprepared for her child’s straightforward questions. She had been selfish, so caught up in her own feelings that she failed to think about how all this was affecting her little girl.

“What if you were to stay with me sometimes and here at Grandmother’s with Daddy sometimes?” she asked.

“That would mean I would be missing someone all the time, either you or Daddy. You don’t want him to live with us because you don’t like him anymore, right?”

Bennie hugged her again.

“Oh, Baby, your daddy is a fine person, and he loves you so much.”

Bennie had always been careful that Livie not see any unpleasantness between her and Will. She assumed Will had shown the same discretion. Bennie’s temper flared as a thought occurred to her. Surely Olivia hadn’t been talking to Livie about their separation. Even she wouldn’t do that.

“Livie, who told you I don’t like Daddy anymore?” Her words were sharper than she’d meant them to be.

The girl drew back, away from her mother’s outburst. “I watch how your face looks when he talks, like you’re trying to be polite but not really listening.”

Bennie dropped her head, ashamed at how little attention she had been paying to the impact of all this on her child. She hugged the little girl to hide the tears that sprang to her eyes. There was a subdued knock on the half-closed bedroom door.

“Yes?” Bennie quickly brushed at the tears in her eyes.

Olivia pushed the heavy mahogany door open and stood at the threshold. “Will and I thought you might want to stay the night with us, for more time with Livie. You’re perfectly welcome, of course.”

“That’s very generous.” Bennie put on the brightest smile she could manage. “But as you know, I have to be back at Mary Bradford’s for Monday morning classes.”

Will offered to drive Bennie back to school. In the car he continued the conversation about Livie’s riding lessons. “I’ve been thinking of changing riding teachers. I was talking to Jim Lester at the club, and he mentioned a jumping instructor he knows of. I think learning to jump would be great for Livie, good for her confidence. She seems fearless with the pony. What do you think?”

Bennie was sure Will had already made up his mind about the jumping lessons, and that he was going out of his way to make her feel a part of a foregone decision. He offered Bennie a cigarette and lit it for her, then lit one of his own. He glanced at her. “Livie told me you promised to give up smoking.”

“I did,” she said. She rolled down her window and flicked the cigarette into the dark. “Have you met the instructor?” she asked.

“Yes, I have, and she seems to be a cracker jack. She was on the US Olympic team.”

“Then you’ve already arranged it?”

“Well, yes. Do you object?”

Bennie leaned her forehead against the cold glass of the car window.

“Are you sure Livie’s old enough?”

“Janice, that’s the instructor, says so. She’s seen Livie ride, and she should know.” Will’s tone was defensive and belligerent. “Mother thinks it’s a fine idea.”

“So, you’ve already mentioned it to Livie?”

Will gripped the steering wheel.

“See, Bennie, these are the kinds of decisions we should be making together. We need to be a family again so that can happen.” He steered the car onto the driveway in front of the residence hall.

Bennie got out without another word and slammed the car door. She watched the car fish-tail in the gravel as he sped away. As she walked through the lobby, she absentmindedly glanced at her mailbox. She rarely got mail, but this time there was a piece of paper in her box.

“Meet me for tea tomorrow afternoon in the village?” the note read. Alice had called only a few minutes earlier.

Upstairs, Bennie dialed the number. Alice answered on the first ring.

“I’m glad you called back tonight. You do know that ‘tea’ is code for something with alcohol in it, right?” Alice said.

Bennie laughed and leaned back against the wall. “In that case, I’m in.”

“Good. I have something to talk over with you. What time and where?”

“I can meet you at the Inn in the village at five. What’s the mysterious thing you have to talk about?” Bennie asked.

“Not mysterious, but important, to me anyway. I’d like to tell you in person.”

The next day, after classes, Bennie bundled up for the walk down the hill to the village. She tightened a red wool scarf around her neck and buttoned up her heavy coat. She crossed the campus, waving to some of her students who were building a snowman in front of the chapel.

The Chesterfield Inn dated back to Revolutionary War times, when it was built as a stagecoach stop between Boston and New York. On the wide wooden front porch, she stomped the snow off her boots and entered the tall, double doors. The bar was almost empty at this early hour, with only a lone bartender in a white apron drying glasses. Alice had arrived before her and had already started on a martini.

When Alice noticed Bennie standing in the doorway, her face lit up, and she rushed over to embrace her. Bennie could smell the subtle familiar scent of the expensive perfume Alice had used for years. It took her back to times she and Alice shared, especially during their short intimate affair a year before. Bennie held the embrace longer than usual, enjoying the feel of Alice’s sturdy body and the muscles of her strong back through her tweed suit coat.

Alice slowly broke the embrace and held Bennie at arm’s length, searching her face. “That was awfully nice, but I’ve a feeling that hug has more to do with what’s going on with Will than with me. What is it? What has he done now?”

“Nothing more. It’s just that I went to see Livie last night, and she broke my heart asking questions about the reality of what I’m doing to her life. Maybe Will’s right. Maybe I’m doing the wrong thing. Maybe it’s as Olivia says, a wife and mother must yield to responsibilities and duties.”

Alice drew Bennie to a booth in the corner. “Now you listen to me, Bennie. Olivia Grant has never done one thing in her life that she didn’t find in her own best interest, including trying to make you into a copy of her, and she’ll do the same with Livie if she can. Your responsibility is to prevent that for yourself and Livie, and you do that by not going back into a marriage with Will on his and Olivia’s terms. When would you say no? Where would you draw the line? When would you refuse him? Would you sleep with him? Imagine yourself living with that dishonesty and yet trying to bring Livie up to be her own authentic person. Of course, it’s not ideal that you have her only half the time, but that time with you will provide a balance so that Livie can choose for herself how she wants to be in the world.”

“You’re right. I can always count on you as the voice of reason.” Bennie patted Alice’s hand. “But we’re supposed to be talking about your news.”

“Let me get you a drink first.” Once they were settled with their cocktails, Alice sipped hers and paused for a moment. “I’m thinking of taking a trip. Quite a long trip actually, out to California. The fact is, I’m planning to move there.” She rushed on, playing with the olive in her martini and not looking at Bennie. “You remember my college roommate, Bev, right?”

“The architect,” Bennie said. The word made her think of Laura. She shook her head to focus on Alice.

“Yes, she’s making quite a name for herself in San Francisco. They’ve hired her to design the new ballet hall, and she’s asked me to come out and live with her. She has a beautiful big Victorian in Pacific Heights, overlooking the Bay.” Alice paused to take a breath.

Bennie’s instinct was to grab the sleeve of Alice’s jacket and beg her not to go, not now. In that moment, she realized how much she depended on Alice’s constant support and, at the same time, how she took for granted that Alice would always be there with a shoulder to cry on. But she had no rational right to expect it. “That seems lovely, such an adventure,” she forced herself to say.

“You make it sound as though I’m headed out to the gold rush. They have come quite a way in a hundred years.” Alice turned away and shook her head. “I’d hoped for a different reaction. In my fantasy, my imminent leaving brought you to your senses about us, and you grabbed me and demanded I not go.”

Bennie blushed at how close her internal reaction had been to Alice’s hope. She grabbed Alice’s sleeve, almost knocking her drink over. “Oh, Alice, you are so dear to me, and the only person in the world I can talk to. You’ve kept me sane through all this, and I can hardly bear to think you’ll be gone. You’re my closest friend, more than a friend.”

“More than a friend and less than a lover? You may be satisfied with that, but it’s a real struggle for me. You certainly wanted more when we were together.”

“I was so desperately unhappy and so starved for a connection, needing to feel valued as a real person with a brain and an identity.”

“And you don’t still want that? Is it so easy for you to turn off your feelings for me?”

“The physical part of it, yes, I can turn that off.”

“I don’t believe that. Remember me? I was there. That first time and all the times we were together. I’ve never been with anyone more responsive. If I thought there was any way we could go back and that you just need some time…”

Bennie looked at her hands and shook her head.

“That’s not ever going to happen again, Alice.”

Alice dropped her face into her hands and raked her fingers through her hair.

“My God, I’m on the edge of becoming pathetic here. The truth is that through all these months of being just friends, I’ve been angling for more. I wasn’t even serious about California, but now I’ll go.”

“So, you haven’t told Bev yet you’ll come?” Bennie tried to keep desperate hopefulness out of her voice.

“Not in so many words, but I’ve probably led her on. I haven’t been quite honest with her either, about my feelings for you.”

They sat in uncomfortable silence, something Bennie couldn’t remember happening between them before. She knew Alice was waiting for more from her but offering encouragement would have been self-centered cruelty.

“When will you leave?” Bennie asked.

“I’ve got some financial things to finish up. I need to make sure Mother is going to be okay. Maybe in two or three weeks.”

“Two or three weeks? So soon?”

“This has been underway for a while, and Bev is anxious for me to come before she starts this new project in earnest. I might drive and take my time, so that will add a week or ten days.”

Alice’s face brightened. “Why don’t you come with me? We can make a sightseeing trip of it, then you can fly back from San Francisco. You could spend some time in Portland. You haven’t seen your father in a while, right?”

“You know I have responsibilities here—Livie, not to mention my job, and Town Players start again in a few weeks.” She didn’t add her fear that Will would use the trip to California with Alice as ammunition in a custody battle.

“It would be for only two weeks or so. You could call Livie every day. Couldn’t you get someone to cover your classes and your dorm duty?”

“Let me think about it, but I’m sure having me along isn’t what Bev has in mind.” Bennie found the idea of leaving everything behind tempting.

Alice hesitated. “You’re right. But you let me handle that. You can stay at the Mark Hopkins if you’ll be more comfortable.”

“I don’t think so, but I’ll think about it.”

“Good.” Alice drained the rest of her martini and ate the olive. “I’ll take that as a maybe. At least there’s a chance. Now tell me all about your dinner date with the very impressive Mrs. Clayborn. Isn’t that what you called her?”

“I do find her impressive. But before I tell you, you tell me. You left me dangling on the phone the other night about where you’ve met her and under what circumstances. Tell me your story of meeting her before I tell you about our evening.”

“I met her at a dinner party in Manhattan, the Upper Eastside, given by two women I know only slightly. They’re theater people, an actress and a set designer—quite a chic group of a dozen or so women. I was a little out of place, but you know me. I tend to enter a room thinking that everyone there is dying to get to know me.”

Bennie smiled as she reached across the table and patted her friend’s hand.

“Well,” Alice said, “after the hostesses had served several rounds of cocktails, it was obvious that they were stalling dinner, but we were all having a good time by then, so no harm. Finally, the guest we had been waiting for, Madam Clayborn as it turned out, arrived with a young woman in tow. The hostesses were discreet about it, but they had to hustle and make sure there was a seat at dinner for the unexpected guest. Mrs. Clayborn introduced her as her design assistant, but you wouldn’t know that from the conversation. The girl hardly said a word all evening. That’s why I made the admittedly catty remark to you on the phone the other night about her liking a different type, young and quiet. That’s it, so how was your dinner with Mrs. Clayborn?”

“It was a success. She plans to make a gift to the drama department at the school. So, mission accomplished as far as Mother Berry is concerned. We had dinner at her weekend house in the countryside, just five minutes from here. It was the two of us—no young quiet girl around that I could tell. Nor any husband in sight. Mother Berry told me she’s married to a Broadway producer.

“She designed the house herself,” Bennie said as she described the dramatic and remarkable building. She wanted her friend to be as impressed with Laura as she was. “She’s a good listener. I think I did most of the talking. By the end of the evening, she certainly knew more about me than I did about her. I told her about my directing ambitions. She asked why I’m teaching at Mary Bradford’s, and I told her about Will and Livie. Then she drove me back to school.”

Bennie omitted Laura’s offhand invitation to stay the night and the rather mysterious phone call that appeared to change Laura’s mood.

“So, did she make a pass at you?”

“Alice! The way your mind works.”

“Think about it. You might have expected something. You can be a bit clueless about your impact on other people. Be careful, Bennie.” Alice looked around the room that was filling with the dinner crowd. She pulled on her gloves and gathered her coat and purse. “Think about the trip to California. If you decide against it, I might fly out after all. Get things moving. I’ll let you know.”

Bennie took Alice’s hand, pulling off the glove her friend had put on, to touch her skin.

“Now I could easily become pathetic. Write me, please.”

“I will, or I’ll certainly call.” Alice entwined their fingers. “Take care of yourself, Bennie, and promise you’ll be smart about Laura Clayborn.”

“I don’t have any reason to expect I’ll hear from her again, except through her interest in the school.”