To the Parent Who Bought This Book

First of all, thank you. If you bought this book, my guess is you have a worrier, or you’re worried that you have a worrier. I truly believe this book will help. Second, if you’re really worried that you have a worrier, I suggest you grab a copy of Raising Worry-Free Girls. Here’s why:

When my publisher first approached me about writing a book for girls on worry and anxiety, my immediate response was, “Only if you’ll let me write one for parents too.” Anxiety is not just a childhood epidemic in America today. It’s also a parenting epidemic. If you struggle with anxiety, your child is up to seven times more likely to struggle with it herself.1 A few more interesting facts: Most kids go two years before receiving any kind of help for their anxiety, and anxiety left untreated usually gets worse.2 By the way, that’s most of the bad news in Raising Worry-Free Girls. The rest of it is filled with good news that can help you and the worried girl you love, whatever her age.

Anxiety is tricky because it often doesn’t look like anxiety. For younger girls, it can look more like manipulation and anger. As girls get older, it morphs into type A behavior or perfectionism. It also looks like the child who loves control. The source of worry morphs over time as well, so it’s easy to think the signs of anxiety were part of a phase because as soon as you start to notice how much she’s worried about being away from you, it stops. A few months or years later, though, it emerges as worry about flying on airplanes or throwing up or any other unrelated topic. And the whac-a-mole game of parenting a child with anxiety begins. My guess is that if you have a teenager who is prone to worry, she’s been that way for quite some time. It’s undoubtedly enough to make you anxious, if you weren’t already.

In this book I have outlined a few guidelines for her. My hope is that reading Brave, for her, will be much like sitting in my counseling office at Daystar. Obviously, I’m not in person with her, although I wish I were. But many of the same guidelines still apply—for her and for you.

The most important guideline is confidentiality. Not for her. She’s welcome to talk to whomever she likes. I certainly hope she talks about her worries with you. In fact, I’ll encourage that often throughout this book. The confidentiality clause is for you. I can’t tell you how many times over the years of counseling girls I’ve heard a parent say something like “She left her journal out in the den because she really wanted me to read it.” Teenagers are forgetful. Have you noticed how many things she leaves out? This book will only help if she’s honest in what she writes, and that honesty will only happen if she believes you won’t look through this book when she’s at school. I know you want to help, but I recommend that you let this be her space. Every teenager needs space to process her emotions.

So here are your main guidelines:

1. Give her space to process.
2. The work is hers, not yours. Sorry—it sounds a little harsh, I know. You will also be tempted—and I would imagine have been tempted a lot over the years—to rescue her. In fact, the two most common strategies for dealing with anxiety are escape and avoidance, according to cognitive therapy experts David Clark and Aaron Beck.3 I don’t mean you avoiding her, but you helping her escape and avoid whatever is making her anxious. If you have done those things, I have every confidence it was with the best of intentions. The problem is that neither strategy actually helps. The definition of anxiety I came up with in Raising Worry-Free Girls is this: “Anxiety always involves an overestimation of the problem and an underestimation of herself.”4 For her to work through her fear, she’ll have to do the thing that scares her. I’m going to give her a lot of tools in these pages. She is capable. The work is hers.
3. Ask her open-ended questions about her work from time to time. Teenagers shut down when they feel like their parents are interrogating them (moms, I’m not pointing the finger specifically at you, but . . .). Don’t ask her about it every day. Give her space to process. But every so often, ask her how it’s going. What does she think of the book? What’s one thing she’s learned recently? I tell parents that breezy is the best posture when it comes to teenagers. Act breezy. If you care more than she does, she’ll likely care less—on purpose.
4. Give her time to answer. She may not answer you right away. She may have to think about it. That’s okay. Again, give her time and space to process.
5. Be aware of what you reinforce. Whatever you pay the most attention to as a parent is what’s most reinforced. Pay more attention to her courage than her anxiety. Praise her for her bravery. Call out any time you see strength in her. Connect with her around what she can do and how she is capable, rather than the times she isn’t or does her best to communicate to you that she’s not. I have had teenage girls tell me that their moms are most nurturing when they have panic attacks. Be aware of what you’re attending to the most.
6. When all else fails, offer empathy and questions. Empathy is always a good place to start with teenagers. It’s hard to be a teenage girl in today’s world—yes, harder than it was for us. It means a great deal to her when she knows that you see that. Empathize, and then ask questions. “That sounds hard. What do you think would help?” “What do you think is the best thing to do?” “What is your heart telling you?” “What do you hear God saying to you?” Questions imply capability. We want her to believe that she’s capable. Even if she doesn’t have an answer, just the fact that you asked communicates that you believe she’s capable. She is bigger than her worries. She’s stronger than whatever problem is facing her right now. She’s got to do the work. But you can offer support through empathy, questions, and a whole lot of encouragement along the way.