2. Why Me?

I want to know what you think. What do you believe are the reasons why you worry? I don’t mean the things you worry about, but why you struggle with worry or anxiety.

  

  

I wish I could see your list. If I had to guess, I would imagine that you wrote a few phrases like “I’m too ________” or “I’m not _______ enough.”

“I care too much about what people think.”

“I overthink things too much.”

“I’m too sensitive.”

“I’m not independent enough.”

“I’m not confident enough.”

“I’m not brave enough.”

Maybe you should go back and add to that list now. What are really the reasons you suspect that you worry?

Years ago I read something I’ll never forget. You know how we have those things? It’s because I realized when I read it how true it was. It said that when something goes wrong in a boy’s world, he blames someone else. When something goes wrong in a girl’s world, she blames herself. RIGHT?! It’s why I’d guess your list had several negative things on it that you believe are true about you.

The other reason I know those sentences are on your list is that I have heard thousands of girls say them over the years. I would guess you say something like them every single day. I would also guess that you get angry with yourself far more often than you get angry with anyone else. I know those sentences because I get it—I do the same. I think one of the Worry Whisperer’s other worst tricks is that he tries to get us to blame ourselves for things that are either out of our control or aren’t blameworthy to begin with.

I want to set the record straight here, not just about why you worry, but about you. Those sentences simply aren’t true. Now, maybe you are sensitive. Perhaps you don’t have a lot of confidence or you don’t feel like you’re very brave. But any time you use the words too much or not enough, that’s when you know you’re believing the Father of Lies again. We all have areas where we struggle. I often think of it like muscles. My math muscle isn’t great—and neither is my patience muscle. Those are muscles I continue to work on as an adult. (Okay, truth be told, I don’t really work on my math muscle much anymore.) Even if there is a little truth to those statements, those are EXACTLY the muscles we’re going to be building together in this book! You’re not too much or not enough anything. For now, let’s talk about why you really worry. And then we’ll come back to the truth of who you are.

The Externals

A few times in this book I’m going to have to tell you to trust me. This is one of them. The overwhelming majority of the reasons you struggle with worry and anxiety don’t have anything to do with who you are on the inside. They’re externals. They’re parts of your life that you didn’t choose or that you didn’t have any control over. They’re outside of you. External—get it? Remember, I’ve been counseling for almost thirty years. And I forgot to say, when I wrote the book for your parents, I read twenty-three books on the topic of anxiety. I really do know a lot about the subject. Let’s talk about some of those externals I’ve learned about through counseling and research.

The Family Trickle-Down

Who in your family are you most like?

  

  

How are the two of you similar?

  

  

I wonder if part of how you’re similar is that you both struggle with worry. There’s a great chance it’s your mom that you’re most like in the worry category, but it could be your dad. It could even be a grandparent or an aunt. Now, your worry might look different than theirs, but you still have a worry trickle-down that affects you. In fact, if you have a parent who has anxiety, you’re up to seven times more likely to experience it yourself.1 And your family member might not even understand that the name for what’s happening is anxiety.

My mom died this past year. I still miss her so much. She loved my sister and me like crazy. And remember, the things that are most important to us are the things that can easily start to loop. My sister and I were what our mom worried about the most. She would often say, “Worrying is a mother’s job.” She also often said that she did NOT have anxiety. My sister and I knew the truth . . . and I would guess that now in heaven she does too. She had anxiety, especially when it came to my sister and me.

When I turned sixteen, I got a car. I know, I was really lucky. It was a cool car—an old navy blue BMW with a sunroof and a tape deck, which was how we played music in our cars before Bluetooth. It also came with a twenty-four-inch rusted metal spike, courtesy of my mom. She told me it was for me to use to shatter my window if I went off a bridge so I could swim out. Yep. I’m serious. If she were sitting here, she would tell you it was very important that I keep it in my car at all times. My sister and I also got pepper spray in our stockings every single year. I guess our version of Santa had a little anxiety too.

For both of us, it trickled down. However, my sister’s and my worries look really different. Let me also insert here that if you’re the oldest, it’s very likely to trickle down to you first. It definitely hits the younger sister (and brother) sometimes too, but the oldest almost always catches some of it. My sister, Kathleen, and I are sixteen years apart. Yes, you read that right. I was SHOCKED when my parents told me they were pregnant. Because we’re so far apart in age, it’s a little like we’re both the oldest—or only children—in our birth order, and we both caught some of the anxiety.

My anxiety comes more in the form of a type A personality. I’m a perfectionist. If you’ve ever studied the Enneagram, I’m a 1. (If you haven’t, check out The Road Back to You book or podcast. It’s my favorite personality study out there.) The fact that I’m a 1 means I don’t necessarily feel anxious on a daily basis, but I am highly productive. I get so much done, and quickly. I was always the first to finish a test in school. My room was clean. My bed was made. And still, when I find myself putting everything back in order in my house, I realize that I’m worried about something. It’s all about order for me. Order might be the thing that helps you feel better too. If so, you hate it when your brother comes in and messes up your room. Sometimes you have to line things up just so, or put your clothes out the night before, or do all kinds of organized or efficient things to help yourself feel better.

Kathleen is different. She’s organized, but she doesn’t have to be, which is awesome for her. She might even say that my need to be organized drives her a little crazy. (She probably wouldn’t say that out loud, because she’s super sweet. You’d really like her.) She’s an Enneagram 6 and has a primary need for security. Having someone listen and worry with her really helps her. She also, however, doesn’t seem worried. She says she’s like a duck gliding on the water, looking very smooth and unruffled but paddling her feet as fast and furiously as she can underneath the surface.

We both caught the trickle-down. You might have too. Your anxiety might look different from your mom’s or dad’s, but it’s still there. You hear theirs in how often they ask you where you’ll be going or what time you’ll be home. You likely know just what your worried family member’s Worry Whisperer sounds like. And there’s a significant chance their Worry Whisperer tries to make them worry about you.

Here’s the thing. You can’t call them out on their anxiety. If you were to tell them those things aren’t important or are just their Worry Whisperer talking, it might not go over so well. They would likely use the word disrespect, and you might end up grounded. We sure wouldn’t want that. But what you can do is remind each other. You can ask your mom or dad to get a copy of Raising Worry-Free Girls. Many parents I’ve talked to started reading that book for their daughters and found themselves in the pages. You can ask them to read this book after you do. Then you can gently remind each other when you hear the Worry Whisperer coming through. You can tell them, “Your Worry Whisperer is getting my Worry Whisperer stirred up,” as long as you say it respectfully. I have a nine-year-old friend who tells her mom sometimes, “It sounds like the Worry Monster is talking to you again, Mom.” She says it with respect, which means it goes over much better.

You want your mom or dad to help you with this fight against the Worry Whisperer, but you can help them too. There’s a whole lot more strength when you’re fighting together than when you’re each fighting on your own. And that strength and resilience are two of your most important tools in this fight, regardless of your external situation.

From Trouble to Trauma

Just like with the words anxiety and depression, I’m sure you’re hearing the word trauma a lot too. I certainly am. It’s another one of those words we seem to be using more in the past few years. We use it to describe all manner of things, including horrific events—such as watching someone die—and even as a type of slang. You might have experienced talking to a friend about something you struggle with when someone else overheard you and said, with more sarcasm than concern, “Trauma.”

What does trauma really mean? Let me give you the clinical definition first. According to the American Psychological Association, “A traumatic event is one that threatens injury, death, or the physical integrity of self or others and also causes horror, terror, or helplessness at the time it occurs. Traumatic events include sexual abuse, physical abuse, domestic violence, community and school violence, medical trauma, motor vehicle accidents, acts of terrorism, war experiences, natural and human-made disasters, suicides, and other traumatic losses.” The article goes on to say that more than two-thirds of us have experienced a traumatic event by the age of sixteen.2

Here’s some good news: Trauma is really a newer word we have for trouble that has been around for a long time. John 16:33 is a verse we’re going to talk more about in the last section of the book: “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” It could also read, “In this world you will have trauma.” The rest of that verse is what enables us to go through trauma. We do not go through it alone. Jesus has overcome the world, and He eventually redeems every bit of trauma that we experience. You will likely go through trauma and be even stronger and more resilient for having gone through it. It’s what research says,3 and it’s certainly the case for many girls I know.

Take Ellen. She was young when her parents divorced. Several years later, her dad remarried a woman that Ellen was close to. One weekend, when Ellen and her brother were staying with their dad, an argument erupted in their house. The argument escalated and got physical. Ellen heard the yelling and ushered her brother into another room where he wouldn’t have to see what was happening. Her stepmom called the police, and Ellen watched her dad get in the back of a police car and be driven away. It was traumatic for Ellen.

Take Lily. When Lily was ten, she lost her mom. It was completely unexpected. Her family was at home. She was the first one to call 9-1-1 after her mom’s stroke. She witnessed not only what happened, but the aftermath of her dad’s panic and devastation. All of it was what we would consider trauma.

Take Katherine. Katherine’s dad was a drug addict. When he was sober, she would get to see him. When he wasn’t, her mom would make sure she wasn’t exposed to the dangerous situations that arose from his behavior while he was on drugs. But it was hard to know when he was using and when he wasn’t . . . and hard to anticipate the risky situations he might put Katherine in. Not only did he put her in traumatic situations over the years, but their relationship itself was traumatic for Katherine.

Take Hannah. Hannah was bullied over and over by a group of girls when she was in elementary school. One afternoon, one of the girls grabbed her on the playground, pushed her to the ground, and proceeded to kick her as the other girls stood around laughing. That traumatic scene has been etched into Hannah’s mind.

I could tell you stories of literally thousands of girls like Katherine, Lily, Ellen, and Hannah. They are four strong, resourceful, courageous young women whom I admire greatly. I have watched God at work in redeeming their stories through the strength of these girls. It’s not complete. It’s still hard. But I wish I’d had more of their courage when I was in high school. I wish I’d had more of yours.

You’ve been through hard things too. Let me say that differently. You’ve survived hard things. You came through. Some of the hard things have been trauma, and some have been milder forms of trouble. You might not have felt strengthened by it in the middle of it. You may have experienced sadness and anger. You may have had trouble sleeping. You may have had trouble concentrating in school. You may have had more frequent stomachaches or headaches. I would imagine you did have more worry and anxiety. That’s part of why we’re talking about trauma in this section of the book. When trouble and trauma come, those of us who worry and get anxious become more worried and anxious. In fact, for two-thirds of you reading this book, it’s why you became worried and anxious to begin with. But still, you persisted. You hung on. You’re here and reading now.

Let me go ahead and say that you may feel like you haven’t persisted. You feel grateful for the word trauma, because it feels like it legitimizes what you’ve been through and still feel like you’re going through to some degree.

Trauma impacts all of us differently. We can and often do experience more resilience and strength in the aftermath. For some, though, that resilience takes a little longer. For those individuals, the trauma continues to impact them over and over. Rather than just the worry loop, for them, it’s a specific scene or memory that plays repeatedly in their minds. Here’s what happens, from a psychological standpoint. Our brains typically store memories in our long-term memory. You can recall them randomly or with intention, like when you hear a song from your childhood or you talk with your mom and dad about a trip you went on when you were little. You remember, but those memories come and go with normalcy. Traumatic memories, however, sometimes don’t make it to long-term memory. They get stuck in the short-term. It’s why when I counsel someone who has watched a family member die or who has been sexually abused, the memory can tend to replay itself over and over in their mind. They’re not trying to remember. They just do—and at really random times. If this is happening to you, tell your mom or dad. Tell your school counselor or a grown-up you trust who can help. There are specific types of counseling that can help you talk about the trauma in a way that stores that memory where it’s supposed to go so you don’t have to relive it over and over.

Regardless of whether you are living in the resilience phase now or not quite yet, it is important to know that our experiences impact our anxiety. When you’re struggling in another area, your worry and anxiety will often be worse. Mine sure is. We want to pay attention to when and why our worry and anxiety increase. We want to write and talk about those experiences and the worries that come. We also want to look for the ways God is redeeming them.

Write about a memory that’s traumatic for you or one that felt like trouble. How have you seen God in it? How are you stronger for having gone through it? If it doesn’t feel like you’re stronger yet, what do you think He’s saying to you in the middle of it?

  

  

The Trouble with Technology

Okay—don’t be mad at me. I’m sure your parents have said a lot of this. You might have even read some of the articles. Just hear me out for a minute.

Yes, technology use has been connected to higher rates of anxiety and depression among teenagers. There has been an overall decline in the mental well-being of teenagers since smartphones became popular.4 (I know. Now I sound like your grandmother.)

One article I read said that people your age who spend five to seven hours per day on their smartphones “are twice as likely to report being depressed as those who use their phones for one to two hours a day.”5 Yes, I know that’s depression and we’re talking about anxiety, but the two often go hand in hand. And I honestly don’t want you to have to struggle with either.

Another article (one of many) named several ways technology use contributes to anxiety: social comparison, lack of an ability to regulate emotions, increased social anxiety from avoiding social interaction, fear of not being connected enough, and cyberbullying, which studies show can lead to anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts.6

I do know there are positives that come from technology use as well. Zoom and FaceTime certainly keep us connected when we can’t be together in person. Technology also gives us opportunities to learn many different skills, even social and emotional skills such as empathy and mindfulness. But I also want to tell you what I hear directly from girls. These are the top five ways I see technology impact the lives of girls your age:

  1. Interacting primarily on screens creates a false sense of security. The anxiety that can come with the awkwardness of in-person interaction is removed. I know . . . it sounds like a good thing. And it would be if we were living in the world of WALL-E and you could stay on your screen constantly, but you have to go out into the real world. You have to learn how to connect in real time. I’m going to say it over and over, but to work through your anxiety, you have to do the thing that makes you afraid.
  2. Interacting primarily on screens also creates a false sense of relationship. You know this, but you can’t really read someone else’s face as well as you can in person, even if you’re on FaceTime. The same sentence in a text could be kind or sarcastic. Someone can act like your best friend after having just started following you on social media. It happens to grown-ups too. Relationships develop slowly, over time. Technology speeds things up and skips over some of the important parts of building not only relationships, but trust. It’s easy to end up trusting others who haven’t quite earned it, or who aren’t who they say they are.
  3. Social media, in particular, feeds the comparison monster, and we all know comparison is the thief of joy. Everyone else looks like they have closer friends, are invited to more parties, get along better with their siblings. Just think about the fact that so many people remove posts if they don’t get enough likes. That’s basically saying your experience isn’t important or valid unless enough people approve. And I, for example, truly like so many things a day and don’t remember to click the button saying that I virtually like the post. Likes are not an accurate reflection of how another feels about us, and we certainly don’t want others to have the power to validate us or our experiences.
  4. Technology use increases your brain activity to a degree that is similar to actual anxiety. I talked to a psychiatrist several years ago who told me that when we’re being bombarded by images on a screen, our brains move into a heightened state of agitation. Because your brain isn’t finished developing, it’s harder for it to calm back down. Therefore, too much stimulation on screens can make you more anxious, just from what you’re taking in visually.
  5. The pressure to keep up is constant and overwhelming. Let’s just take Snapchat streaks, if those are still a thing by the time you read this (because we know how quickly things change in the world of technology). How many streaks do you have going? How long have they lasted? How much time a day does it take you to respond not just to your streaks, but to all the other communication via technology? I have talked to countless girls over the years who’ve disabled Snapchat for this very reason. It was just too much. I also know more and more girls who are taking breaks from technology in general for the same reasons. I know one amazing high school girl who decided to trade her smartphone in for a flip phone. They can’t keep up. The fear that they’ll hurt someone’s feelings or communicate something unintended by not responding on all of the different platforms is too much pressure when they’re already feeling plenty of pressure otherwise.

What about you? What would you add to the list of how technology increases anxiety?

  

  

How would you say technology negatively affects your life?

  

  

What about the positives? How does it help?

  

  

Do the positives or the negatives seem more significant?

  

  

How could you pull back a little on your technology use?

  

  

What would you say to an eleven-year-old who is just starting her journey with technology and social media?

  

  

The Power of Pressure

Let’s talk about pressure. It may be last on this list of external factors that contribute to anxiety, but I believe it might be the most significant in this day and time.

I want you to create a pie chart for how you spend your time. I know, a pie chart might sound kind of goofy, but humor me. I want you to list homework, your school day, any sports activities you participate in, music lessons, leadership activities, all the things you do regularly with your time. Maybe list screens too, for kicks.

Now I want you to include creative time, rest time (not sleeping), ______ time (insert your name, which means time when you get to do whatever you want).

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It was really interesting to counsel girls at the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic. Many of the girls I saw I had already been seeing because of anxiety. When we first started hearing about the pandemic, I saw the anxiety get worse in more than a few of those girls. There were a lot of unknowns. Would their grandparents get sick? Would they get it? Were schools going to stay open? Were we going to go into lockdown? It was unpredictable and unknown, which are two things that worry hates.

A few weeks later, we were at home, because the state government had asked most people to stay home to limit the spread of the virus. The virus was surging, but folks were taking great care to stay safe. Classes were happening online. And girls under the age of eleven were hopping onto their video counseling calls with me with stuffed animals in hand, much more joyful and free than I had seen them since they started coming to counseling in the first place. The things that were making them anxious—friendships, school pressure, the pressure to perform—all those things were gone. They were having a blast baking with their moms and walking their dogs with their dads.

Girls your age weren’t super different. I have several groups of high school girls I meet with in group counseling sessions. From them, I heard words like bored and lonely. But there seemed to be a collective sigh that was a long time coming. I asked those girls what, from the time at home, they would want to carry forward into post-pandemic time. They said things like “Playing games with my family,” “Going for walks in the neighborhood,” “Playing outside,” “Family dinners,” “Having time to think.” One girl said, “I never knew I liked to be by myself. And I really do!”

A girl in one of the groups is a classic overcommitter. She runs track, is involved in student government, acts in plays, volunteers for an organization that benefits kids who have cancer . . . oh, and makes straight As. She also comes to the weekly group counseling meeting, but she misses often, or is late, or has to leave early because her activities overlap. She is always stressed.

Does that sound familiar at all?

When I asked the group what they wanted life to be like post-pandemic, she said, “I hope I remember what this time has been like. I want to make sure I’m not doing as much as I have in the past few years. It was just too much, and I feel like I’m discovering more of who I am with this extra time.”

Up until that point, the girls in her group would suggest the same thing every week. “Why don’t you stop doing just one thing?” they’d ask. Her response was always, “I just can’t. I don’t know what I’d drop.” She lived in this state of perpetual low-grade anxiety, and she’d do fine for months and then crash. It took its toll.

Does that sound familiar at all?

I remember another girl who told me that she wouldn’t stop any of her activities, even though she knew it was too much and they made her anxious. “Anxiety is what keeps me going,” she said. She would run on that anxiety for weeks at a time and then hit a very emotional, very loud, angry, and yelling-at-her-mom kind of wall.

It’s too much. When you look at your pie chart, do you have that feeling? Can you relate to either of these girls? If you struggle with worry and anxiety, I really would love for you to think long and hard—and pray and talk to your parents—about what you might give up.

Write at least one thing you feel like you could give up, if not a few.

  

  

What would make it hard to make that decision?

  

  

If the reasons you don’t want to give something up involve pleasing others—not wanting to hurt the feelings of a teacher or coach or friend—I want you to trust me on this. Your mental health is more important. Your teacher or coach will eventually understand. Your friends will too. The truth is that you can give more out of a place of rest than a place of emptiness. You’re not being selfish. You’ll actually have more to offer in the long run. Think about it.

The Internals

The Gifts of Temperament

I have a feeling that last section was hard for you to read. That’s because I do feel like I know you. I feel like I know you because (1) you care enough about working through worry to pick up this book, and (2) every single girl who struggles with worry and anxiety has a few things in common.

Those things in common have to do with what’s referred to as temperament. Temperament is a little like your personality, although it runs deeper. According to a Science Daily article, temperament is defined as “biologically based individual differences in the way people emotionally and behaviorally respond to the world.” The article goes on to state, “During infancy, temperament serves as the foundation of later personality.”7 In other words, temperament is who God made you to be from your earliest self. And here are a few things I know to be true about who you are:

How many of those things are true about you? I really would guess every one of them. I would also guess that it’s hard to admit those are true because you don’t want to come off as bragging. Here’s the thing: It’s your temperament. It’s who God made you to be. So when you admit how He’s gifted you, He’s the one who’s getting the credit. Not you. You’re safe to admit those things here.

Now that we’ve established how awesome you are, we can talk more about what that means. When I was little—way back in the 1970s—we didn’t have iPhones. We didn’t even have iPods. Actually, we didn’t even have CDs or cassettes. We had records. You probably know about records, because they’ve become cool again. There were 33s, which were the equivalent of a whole album (they actually were albums, which is funny that we still call something an album that only comes through on your phone), and then there were 45s. Forty-fives were records that had one song on one side and another on the other. You bought the 45 for a single—a really popular song on the radio at the time. But the artist got you to listen to their other song because it was on the flip side. And it usually wasn’t the best song on the album.

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Those temperament kinds of gifts we listed before are a little like 45s. They are great on one side, but when you flip them over, they aren’t necessarily so great. In fact, sometimes they cause us trouble. We could say that every one of our gifts, on the other side, is a curse. I don’t really like that wording, though. Let’s say it’s your flip side. Let’s go back to the gifts and look a little at the flip sides.

How many of those flip side kinds of things would you say are true about you? How do you see your flip side play out?

  

  

Your gifts and your flip side are the same thing. We couldn’t take away the flip side without taking away the gifts. And your good gifts are part of who God made you to be. The way I think of it is that it’s just hard to turn down the volume at times. Turning down the volume on the flip side helps you live more in the gifts. We’re going to get there. That’s so much of what this book is about. Your gifts are truly that—gifts. But anxiety takes those gifts and flips them over in a way that trips you up and gets you stuck. Just like that one-loop roller coaster at the fair. And there’s one more kind of roller coaster that I want to mention.

The Roller Coaster of Development

I’ve noticed that when I tell younger girls the things outlined above about who they are—bright, conscientious, caring—huge smiles spread across their faces. I’ll say, “Is that true?” And every one of them nods and says, “Yes!” For girls your age, however, it’s different.

I tell someone your age the wonderful things I believe are true about who God made her to be, and the most I get in reply is an “I guess.” I would guess that you would say the same thing. It’s complicated. Yes, those things are true. But you know, as we just talked about, they also trip you up sometimes. Or you’re not even sure you believe them anymore. Or one day you do and the next day you don’t. Up and down. Up and down . . . just like a one-loop roller coaster.

More than 1,300 girls ages eight to eighteen were surveyed in a recent poll. They were asked to rate their confidence on a 0 to 10 scale. Between the ages of eight and fourteen, the confidence levels of girls dropped 30 percent, from 8.5 to 6.8 That’s a pretty significant drop.

Where would you rate your confidence level today?

  

  

What about when you were in elementary school?

  

  

Why do you think your confidence might have dropped?

  

  

What has changed about you?

  

  

I would guess that nothing has changed about you, other than that you’ve gotten a little taller, you’ve gotten a lot smarter, and how you see yourself is different. I hope that poll reminds you of another very important truth: The changes are completely normal. You’re not the only one whose confidence dropped with the beginnings of puberty.

I’d also love for you to stop reading right now and Google Always #likeagirl. It’s an advertisement I show at parenting seminars all over the country to remind parents what it’s like to be a girl your age. Can you relate? I’ve literally seen thousands of girls who experience that drop in confidence during puberty that the girls in the ad describe. I would imagine that you also feel less confident, less free to share your opinion, less sure of yourself in relationships, and a whole lot of other lesses too, in these post-puberty years. We’re going to talk about that again in chapter 8, but here’s something important for you to know: Those lesses are not any more true about you than the too muches and not enoughs we talked about at the beginning of the chapter. You are exactly who and where you’re supposed to be.

The shifts in your perspective have to do with changes going on in your body and in your brain, which influence how you think. We’ll talk more about your thinking later, but let’s talk about what’s happening in your body for now. There are some significant changes taking place as you enter puberty and even as your period is getting regulated. And, no, don’t worry—I’m not going to talk a lot about your period and embarrass you. I’ll only say that from a scientific perspective, it’s not only known to affect your emotions, but how you feel about yourself too.9 You know that. You experience it every month. But I want to talk to you about something you may not know.

When you were a little girl and learning to walk and talk and all of those important things, as you can imagine, your brain was growing really fast. Then, when you were in elementary school, it had a period where the growth slowed down. It’s different for every girl, but as you moved closer to puberty and hormones started wreaking havoc on your brain, the growth started up again. It began growing so fast that it was like too much electricity running through the wiring of an old house. Have the lights ever flickered when you turned on your hair dryer? There is more electricity than the wiring can handle. Your brain, in these years, short-circuits. There is more growth than your brain can handle. When it short-circuits, it primarily affects two things: your memory and your confidence. The ironic thing is that we’re going to talk about how anxiety ALSO affects your memory. Anxiety affects your confidence too. So you’ve got a double whammy from an anxiety and a developmental perspective. Both cause your confidence to dip, on top of some of the other ways your brain thinks in these years that we’ll look at later. For now, though, let’s just say you’ve got a lot of knocks against your confidence. You’ve got a lot of reasons NOT to see your gifts and to live in and dwell on the flip side of those very gifts. And I want us to flip that record right back over.

You are bright.

You are conscientious.

You care deeply.

Things matter to you.

You try hard.

I would also guess that you’re really kind.

And I KNOW that you’re brave.

The Worry Whisperer tries to make you think none of those things are true. The definition I came up with in the book for your parents is that anxiety is an overestimation of the problem and an underestimation of yourself.10 The Worry Whisperer wants you to live in the too-much and not-enough and less places—the underestimation of yourself. If you live there, you won’t fight him. You won’t believe you can, and he can keep you right where he wants you . . . worried and defeated. I know that’s not where you want to be. I know you want more. I know you want to be able to face the things that make you afraid. I know you want to have freedom from your worries. I know you want to experience the you that you know is somewhere deep inside and the gifts God has placed within your bright, brave self.

I want you to take a minute and do a little homework. I want you to make sure you keep the Worry Whisperer completely out of the room. We’re not going to give his voice any power. And I want you to try really hard to listen to that voice inside of you—God’s voice saying who you are.

Draw a circle. Inside that circle I want you to write ten ways that you believe God has gifted you—who He has made you to be. Don’t worry about bragging. It’s not a thing here. They’re His gifts—remember, He’s the one getting credit. Now, out to the side of the circle, I want you to write down five to ten lies you believe that the Worry Whisperer tells you.

  

  

This book is going to help you live more in the middle of that circle. That’s what we’re going for . . . living where his voice doesn’t have the power to define you. And it doesn’t. Only God does. So let’s talk a little more about why and how this book can help you see and experience the gifted, bright, strong, brave young woman God uniquely made you to be.

A Few Brave Things
to Remember