7. Trouble

I want you to think back on being in fourth grade. Picture your little self sitting in church on a Sunday morning or in the gym for your homecoming pep rally. What were you wearing? Who were you sitting with? Now visualize the high school girls that you thought were the coolest in your school or church—picture them walking right by you. Can you see them? They were dressed so cute and looked so confident, like they didn’t have a care in the world. They sure didn’t look like they were experiencing trouble. And since they didn’t look like they were experiencing it, you didn’t expect it when you became a teenager yourself.

It’s kind of like any time we think about the next stage of life:

When I get to middle school, things will be so much better.

At least when I get to high school, the girl drama will be over.

When I can move on and have a fresh start in college, I’ll finally have real friends.

When I get married, I’ll feel loved like I’ve always longed for . . . all the time.

When I have kids, I’ll feel like my life has a sense of purpose.

And on and on and on. We don’t expect trouble. Then we get there . . . wherever “there” is. And there that trouble is again—or a new type of trouble.

Until recently, I would have said you were a generation that didn’t expect much trouble. I said to your parents at parenting seminars all over the country that it was mostly our fault, as grown-ups. We were wearing T-shirts and using hashtags that said “Livin’ Our Best Life” and “Best. Day. Ever.” I told the grown-ups in your life that I felt like we were doing you a disservice, because you didn’t know to expect trouble. I told them your expectations were set so high that when something went wrong, you felt like something was wrong with you or with your life, rather than realizing that we all live every day in the midst of some kind of trouble.

These days, however, trouble is more visible for a lot of us. I’m sitting on my porch in the midst of a pandemic. People are walking by in masks, worried about the trouble that might come. In Nashville, we had terrible storms this spring. We’ve also seen horrific racial violence here and across the country. We’re living in the midst of trouble like none of us have ever experienced. None of us were expecting this kind of trouble.

I want you to write five to ten things you were expecting to be true about your life when you became a teenager.

  

  

My guess is that those things are likely not what you are experiencing. Let’s break it down a little more; now I want you to write what’s true. Take each of those expectations you wrote and write down what life is really like for you now, regarding that specific expectation.

  

  

I don’t know what you wrote, but I could guess based on thousands of conversations I’ve had with girls your age over the years. Again, you’re not alone, either in how you’re feeling or that you weren’t really expecting things to be quite this way.

You were expecting to have grown out of the awkwardness you feel inside, but you still feel that awkwardness rear its head way too often.

You thought you’d know who you are, but you are still falteringly figuring it out.

You were expecting to be confident, but you’re still unsure. A LOT.

You were expecting to be surrounded, but you’re still alone too much of the time.

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John 16:33 is the verse we have talked about often in this book: “In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Let’s look at what was going on in this verse. Jesus had just told the disciples He was about to leave them. He was their best, most trusted friend. They believed He had come to save the world, and now He was leaving. Not only was He leaving them, but He was leaving them to do the work that He had started. They weren’t expecting this kind of trouble. It was all just too much. Too much of being left and too much pressure. I would guess that they felt unsure, awkward, and alone and maybe more than a little worried.

“In this world, you will have trouble,” He still said. “But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

I want you to expect trouble and worry. Wherever you are now, in whatever the next stage of life is. He says those very words to you now, in your room, as you’re reading this book. “In this world, YOU will have trouble.” In fact, He already knows the trouble you’re experiencing with friends, with family, and within yourself. You will have trouble. Expect it.

In fact, I’m going to make my own list of things that I want you to expect.

You’re going to have trouble with friends. Some girls can be, as you know, quite fickle. You’ll have some friends off and on throughout your lifetime who won’t be true friends. Fickle girls turn into fickle women. But expect to find a handful of trusted, safe friends along the way. They may come at unexpected times and in unexpected places. Those friendships will take work. Look for them and put in the work to keep them.

You will have to go it alone sometimes. Even with a great group of friends, a great husband, and your family. You are still going to feel alone at times. There is not one person—friend or husband or child—who will ever completely fulfill you. Only Jesus can do that. You can have a wonderful marriage—which also will require work. You can have some amazing children—who will make you want to lose your mind at times. You can expect trouble in your family life too—even the most connected, perfect-looking families have trouble.

I want you to expect trouble. But there are other things you can expect too—things that I told your parents about in their book. But I want you to know them even more.

You will have good friends along the way, although they may not be the most popular friends.

Kindness is more important than cool in a friend every time.

Even the best of friends will hurt your feelings and leave you out sometimes.

Learning how to handle conflict is more important than having a friendship where there isn’t any.

Every important relationship in your life will be hard sometimes.

You won’t be invited to every birthday party.

Just because you’re not someone’s best friend doesn’t mean you’re not still a friend. Everyone has a closest few.

People can still really love you and hurt your feelings, even at the same time.

There is no perfect friend.

There is no perfect guy.

There is certainly no perfect teenage boy.

Every college student feels lonely, thinks they chose the wrong college, and wishes they could transfer sometimes.

There is no perfect marriage.

Every job has hard days when you wish you had chosen something else.

Parenting is hard. You will love your kids like crazy, and you will be glad when summer break is over.

Through every stage of your life, you will worry at times. You’ll worry about the things and people that are most important to you, and sometimes you’ll worry about things that don’t even matter.

You will feel sad and angry and hurt often. Daily. But those feelings do not define you. You get to pick what defines you.

You’ll never feel 100 percent confident.

You can feel courageous and fearful at the same time.

You will fail. And fail in big and little ways a million times over the course of your life.

Your failure does not define you either.

You’ll often feel like something is wrong with you. You’ll feel like you’re the only one who ________ or who doesn’t ________. You’re not. And it’s not.

You are exactly whom God meant for you to be, even though you won’t feel like it most of the time.

In this world, you will have trouble and have it a lot.

But you can always have hope because of Jesus.

Jesus is the one friend who will never disappoint you or let you down.1

In this world, you will have trouble. But . . .

The verse doesn’t stop with trouble. There is a but. Thank heavens, there’s a but.

Romans 5:3–5 says it this way: “Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”

“But” and “Not only so” are awfully similar in these two verses. Trouble is not where things end. In this world, we will have trouble and suffering both, but suffering produces good things. In fact, let’s do a little experiment. I want you to walk out this verse with a real-life example. Start with suffering. Actually, I can start with my example. Then you can add yours.

A time I suffered: When my parents divorced.

It taught me perseverance: I had never been through anything that hard. I learned that I could get through it and still be okay. That I could persevere.

It grew character in me: I realized I was stronger than I knew. It helped me develop more grit.

It brought hope: Now I help kids every day whose parents are getting divorced or who are going through some type of pain. I’m better able to help because I know what it feels like to hurt in that way.

Your turn.

A time I suffered:

  

  

It taught me perseverance:

  

  

It grew character in me:

  

  

It brought hope:

  

  

Again, science backs up Scripture. There are good things happening when we struggle, even if we don’t know it at the time. Research says that up to 70 percent of people who go through trauma experience profound positive transformation.2 Experiencing difficulty grows more “grit and perseverance” in you, according to two psychologists I respect.3 I would imagine you have certainly grown more grit and perseverance as a result of the trauma or trouble you’ve experienced. You’ve likely developed more character and hope too.

In this world, you will have trouble. But the but is coming. It’s coming and for one reason only: grace. My favorite author, Frederick Buechner, defines grace in this way: “Here is your life. You might never have been, but you are, because the party wouldn’t have been complete without you. Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid. I am with you. Nothing can ever separate us. It’s for you I created the universe. I love you.”4

In this world, we will have trouble and worries. But He has overcome the world, and in that we can certainly take heart.

A Few Brave Things
to Remember