Seeley,
I’m in love with you.
I wanted to say that first in case you stop reading because you probably should hate me now might not want to hear it. But if nothing else, I wanted you to know that. I love you, and I’m in love with you. Both things. Every second. And I’ve made so many mistakes. If you don’t want to ever see me again, I understand completely.
I don’t know how we got here. No, that’s a lie. I do. We got here because I brought us here, dragged you, kicking and screaming the whole way. I have been selfish, I have been terrible, and you deserve better. I’m so, so, so friggin’ sorry for what I put you through.
And I’m also sorry that I wasted so much time looking at him, when I should have been looking at you. Because you deserve to be looked at all the time. I want to look at you right now.
Wait. That sounds creepy. Let try this again.
I’m sitting on your roof right now while you sleep, thinking about how I wish I could look at you right now. Wait, that’s also creepy, actually that’s creepier than what I had before. Shit.
I am so bad at this.
I know you heard what I said about you in the breakroom, but just in case there was any doubt in your head, I wanted to say it again. To your face. Well, to your face in a letter, I guess.
And I know you probably don’t feel the same way. That’s okay, you shouldn’t, because you are good and kind and EVERYTHING that is right in this stupid town, and maybe in this whole stupid world (but I’ll have to let you know, since I’ve never been farther than the Target two towns over BUT I HAVE SUSPICIONS, OKAY?).
But Seeley, honestly, all the good things left in me are the things that you put there, you know? Because even when I was scheming and angry and wrong, you were there. I am a mess. I am a hurricane of frizzy hair and bad ideas, but for someone like you to love me my whole life, even if you weren’t/aren’t/will never be IN love with me, I don’t know. It’s kind of amazing. And I ruined that because I got too lost in my own life to remember yours.
And you were right about Mr. P having a good reason to close the park down too. He does. You were right. And I want to scream that out forever because you always are, and I never say it enough.
I could have kissed Nick tonight, that’s the other thing I wanted to tell you.
It was late, and we were both so sad, and it was like all those movies of mine you roll your eyes at, where the music swells and the actors kiss, and then it fades to black and you know it was MEANT TO BE. And I felt like I could do it too. I could have closed my eyes and pushed all my rough edges into his wounds, and it would be just wrong enough to be right maybe. Except I didn’t do it.
Because all I could think about was the way your lips felt that night under the fireworks, and the weight of your bones on mine. And it took me a long time, but I figured it out. The difference between liking and loving, the difference between make-believe and what’s real, the difference between right now and please, please, let this last forever.
So this is me telling you that I would rather have my heart broken by you than anybody else. And if you don’t want me, that’s fine too. Well, it’s not, but I’ll deal. I hope we can find a way to still be friends, though, because I’m yours, and I always have been, even if I was too foolish to realize it.
What I’m trying to say is that I love you. I love you, Seeley.
And I’m sorry for taking so long to tell you. And also I’m sorry for telling you, depending on which way you feel. I’m a shitty person, but I’m working on it.
Yours,
Lou