UP TO THIS POINT, we’ve been discussing how to physically reorganize your house to fit your next life stage. In the following sections, we’ll discuss solutions to different challenges you are going to have with your time and schedule as you begin, or continue, this transition toward your new chapter in your life. When we are preparing for a major life event, or we are in the midst of it, we know we have to organize our time to accommodate the change. We also need to organize our time for our own self-care because the emotional and physical drain is huge.
Organization, in times of crisis, can be a lifesaver. You can’t organize your way out of everything, but you don’t have to be a victim of circumstances either. You can organize so that you feel more in control. This life event is very likely an emotional one; you can’t control the emotion or the pace at which you process it all, but you can adapt your behavior and manage your schedule to some degree. It’s not an all-or-nothing approach, but doing something will help you feel like you’re doing a lot.
There is a fair amount you can do both practically and emotionally as you move through this life event, but there also will always be situations, issues, and reactions no one can predict. Before you get into the details of setting your new schedule, look at the big picture and get a full idea of what you’re dealing with so you are as prepared as possible. Here is some emotional and practical advice that can help you be as in control of your time as possible, realizing some events will be unpredictable. Out of order comes freedom.
Some life events have a defined date, for example surgery or a divorce. This hard-and-fast date is actually helpful because it gives you a marker, a deadline, and an awareness that your change or event is indeed moving forward. So often, time seems to stand still when we have a major event happening.
One summer, my housemate had to have a total knee replacement, the first of two. The surgery date, quite naturally, became a milestone, or what I call a manufactured deadline. Suddenly, the surgery date prompted all kinds of household projects that had to get done before surgery. We’d been talking for a while about some of these projects, and we certainly could have done the projects after surgery. But we used the surgery date as a deadline, and we got a lot done. The real benefit of these projects was that time moved along. We barely thought about the surgery during the month leading up to it, and that was a good thing in my household! Plus it made the time after the surgery less stressful because we could enjoy all of the improvements we’d made.
Other events that could spur you into action include finalizing your divorce, making room for an adult child or your parent to move in with you, or hosting out-of-town friends during a visit.
Other events have no defined date. For example, you’re taking care of a parent, and you don’t know what the future holds yet. In situations like these, you’ll want to manufacture deadlines to help yourself feel like time is moving forward.
When you set a deadline, you get more done because you’ve made a commitment to finish the project or reach the goal by a certain time. Instead of thinking, I’ll get to it someday, you can think, I’ll get it done before this day and work to get it done. It’s a very useful means to stay motivated or to give yourself a distraction or to put a marker in your life to know that time is passing. You will get through this event. Set deadlines, even if they are completely unrelated to the task at hand, to help keep you motivated and moving forward.
Talk to friends who have been through your same life event. What advice would they give? How did the event affect their schedules? What kind of time demands did they face? Consider their advice and experiences as you organize your calendar, appointments, and your master to-do list. Or seek out experts who can help you realistically assess your situation. You know in your heart that this life event is going to be emotionally tough, so rely on friends and experts, but understand that everyone is different. Don’t worry if your journey is longer or shorter than your friend’s.
For people going through a divorce, for example, you’re going to need time with your attorney, your accountant, and for family mediation meetings. You’ll need time to prepare yourself and your paperwork for these meetings. Ask your advisors how often they recommend meeting and balance this recommendation with your own perspectives. Or schedule a regular time each week to check in by phone. Even if you need other meetings, you’ll have some of the time battle under control, and you’ll each be accountable to the other for moving the process along.
Determining deadlines helped you set a time frame for this transition (even if there is no official end date in site, as is the case with caregiving or empty-nesting). Consulting others who’ve been through similar situations helped you understand the time demands of this transition. Now you can begin fitting your new needs into your schedule.
As you begin your new chapter in life, there will be many new things to remember. Your old routines didn’t include your new responsibilities, and you might not have formed new habits yet. You may find yourself forgetting things or missing appointments and that you’re stressed and more distracted than usual. This is why you will find a written schedule so valuable in the midst of change. I suggest you use a portable day planner or calendar so you can keep it with you at all times. It can be paper or electronic, whatever you are comfortable with, but whatever style you choose, use only one calendar. When you have two or more calendars, you risk overlooking an appointment and missing information because it was recorded in one place but not the other.
To make the best use of your time, have a plan for how you will use your time. Include regular commitments, responsibilities related to your transition, and be sure to fit in some time for fun, relaxation, and taking care of yourself, even if you have to schedule it. Planning your time takes some forethought. Start by identifying all of your commitments.
Start with schedules you must adhere to such as work or volunteer projects you already have committed to.
Family and household commitments. Now add the other household obligations that take up your time. Estimate the average amount of time these tasks require during a regular week as best you can. Examples of family and household responsibilities include:
• Appointments: drop-off, pick-up, doctors
• Fun/together time
• Household projects and repairs
• Meal planning/preparation
• Grocery shopping
• Bills/mail/paperwork
• Cleaning
These are tasks we know we have to get done, but often don’t acknowledge how much time they take during the week. Without acknowledging that running a household takes a set amount of time, you’ll end up rushing through, or not doing, some household tasks. Or you’ll get them done, but the house or your time will be in disarray because you have “no time.”
Now that you’ve laid out all of your obligations, you may be overwhelmed. How can you possibly accomplish all of this? The truth is, you can’t and you won’t. Unrealistic expectations cause unrealistic schedules. The reality is you are adding another job or role to your life, even if temporarily. I bet you weren’t complaining beforehand that you had way too much time on your hands, were you? Your schedule was already full. So to add something to it, you’ll first need to subtract something from it. It’s natural to think that hobbies and interests are the first things that must go from a full schedule, but all work and no play isn’t healthy. You need an outlet for your stress, and you need to preserve your individual identity, especially if you are in the role of a new parent or caregiver.
When it comes to children, pets, and household chores, you can’t simply get rid of these roles in your life. Instead, you’ll need to diminish the specific responsibilities of your roles. Now will be the time to put aside your pride, ego, guilt—or whatever motivates you—and respond “yes” when people ask if you need something or if they can do something for you. Asking for help is very difficult for some people. Maybe you’re not used to relying on others. If so, think of it this way: Take the support they offer now, and make a promise to pay back the person when he is in a time of need. You can make the promise to the person or keep it as your internal promise so that you accept their assistance now.
So ask for what you need. Make it easier on yourself and others by being specific. If you live with others, what tasks can they take from you? Can someone else take over the responsibility of cooking? Or could you cook only one day a week, making large batches that can be frozen and reheated as needed on nights when you don’t have time to cook? Can a family member move in for a couple of weeks to support you? Now is the time for creative thinking.
If you just can’t bring yourself to rely on others, hire someone to help, when possible. At my house, for example, we had trash pickup for a few months immediately following the surgery and during the physical therapy that followed. Pay someone to mow your grass—a lawn care company or a teenage neighbor. Hire a pet walking service or a cleaning service.
Whether you are self-employed or work for someone else, you need to consider how your work will get done to your normal standards as you work through your transition. You could probably push through, still working your regular number of hours, but will you be focused enough to do work you’ll be proud of? Probably not, due to all the emotion involved in your transition. And how much energy will you have for yourself and others involved in your transitional event?
Your task is to balance the two needs and come up with both a backup plan and a reasonable set of expectations for when you can partially and fully return to work. This is true even if you work for yourself.
As soon as you know a life event is coming up (maternity leave, for example), start thinking about each client and each project you work on and how you can prepare your colleagues, employees, or independent contractors for your departure or for fewer work hours and downgraded accessibility. The trick is to think creatively. If you’re not particularly creative, find a friend or colleague and discuss it. Take a hard look at the details of each work responsibility you have. What current project could be wrapped up prior to your leave or shortening your workweek? What could potentially wait until afterward? What will be mid-project while you are out? Use this to create a master to-do list and to help you let go of items that, yes, ideally, could be completed before you change your work schedule. But just because you want to do these projects doesn’t mean they must be done by you.
Consider the skills required for the client or project, and then review the skills of people you work with. If you’re a solo entrepreneur, consider a trusted administrative person or assistant who could keep things together for the early days of your leave. Perhaps you’ve done this in the past when you took a vacation. If you still have time, try out someone to work with before you change your schedule.
Once you know who will do what, write down all of your instructions for each task. You’ll need to communicate this plan more than once, so record it to make it easier on yourself. If you work for someone else, set up a formal meeting (even if it’s over the phone) to review your backup plans and any issues you’re concerned about, and then brainstorm together.
Change voicemail, e-mail auto-reply, and the like about two weeks before you’ll be out or before you change your working hours as another reminder. As you get closer to the date, you can update these replies to direct people to your backups.
At home, for yourself and for those you live with, keep a list of who’s doing what for you. Keep the list in one place and visible.
Try working half days. Set a low expectation. Bring your computer, or at least your to-do list (for both home and work), with you to work on when you are out and about managing your transition, such as going to appointments (doctor’s or legal). You may not get to do anything, but sometimes you will have some waiting time, so be prepared. You’ll relish the found time.
One of my clients drove a parent to the nearest city (which was an hour away) for medical treatments several days each week. She cut back on work hours, but also brought work with her. Sometimes she and her parent could spend time together during treatments, but sometimes her parent didn’t want her around during the treatment, or her parent preferred to listen to music or watch a movie. So my client would bring a bag of things to do—some fun things, but also calls to make, medication lists to update, homework assignments to review, and so forth.
Another client, who was a business owner, cut back on her daytime business hours a bit, but she also began working an hour or two each night. She took on no new projects for a period of time.
Another business owner hired a virtual assistant, just for this difficult period, because she saw this as her best solution. Other people have hired errand services. It depends on what you’re comfortable with and the kinds of tasks you’d be comfortable outsourcing.
Another business owner went into maintenance mode with her clients during her divorce. She knew if she added one more project to her work schedule, she would become overwhelmed and collapse. So she started an “after the divorce” list to record all of the projects she would tackle as soon as she felt able to focus more on work. Whenever a new idea would come to her, she would add it to the list so it could be addressed in the future without overwhelming her in the present.
Whether you’re going through a divorce, going back to school after decades out, or caring for a parent, give yourself the time and the emotional space to do a job you’ll be comfortable with and proud of. You won’t regret it.
You’ve evaluated your time demands, opened your schedule to meet these demands by delegating household responsibilities, and restructured your work life. You now have a functional schedule to move forward with. How do you maintain your schedule as you work through day-to-day life? One of the easiest ways to maintain your schedule is to determine what is the most important use of your time and then devote your time to accomplishing those things first. If there’s time left over, you’ve at least achieved the priorities.
When she first called me, Lisa had tried organizing her home on her own, but the stuff kept returning and she couldn’t figure out why. She was in the middle of some major transitions. Lisa was about to turn fifty. Her daughter was a young teenager and becoming more self-sufficient. Lisa’s mom had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s several years prior, but recently had suffered a significant decline, which required a new housing and living arrangement. When Lisa called, I asked her, “What matters right now?” In other words, what were the most important tasks she needed to deal with and keep organized? Her answers were:
• A system to handle her mother’s medical, financial, and personal papers. This was a new responsibility that had been prompted by a change in Mom’s living arrangements.
• A system to handle Lisa’s family’s papers and mail, especially as school started.
• A plan of attack, with room-by-room priorities, for organizing systems. She was overwhelmed with where to start. She didn’t want a makeover, but wanted lasting systems.
Lisa was focused on reorganizing during her transition. Because these were priorities, she needed to carve out time in her schedule to work on each activity. Understand that you won’t be able to reorganize everything during your transition. Pick the areas that need the most help and are the most relevant to your current situation. Notice Lisa wasn’t worried about clearing her attic or reorganizing her craft supplies. She wanted to work on the systems that she needed to support her during her transition. Identify the systems you rely on and make it a priority to keep them in order. Systems make you more efficient, and because you’re more productive, you gain time.
When I asked Lisa what was important to her now, I also asked her what her values and her long-term goals were for her life. Her values were freedom, spirituality, and self-worth. Her ultimate goals: bring creativity, music, and/or writing back into her life; take care of her health so she’d be there for the significant events in her young daughter’s life; be a better role model of life skills for her daughter; and figure out her own next chapter as her daughter continued to become more self-sufficient. I had her identify these values and goals so she could keep them in her mind and honor herself as she cared for her mother and daughter and also dealt with this transition. She needed this to set priorities on her time. She also needed this for her sense of purpose and self-identity amidst all the changes.
Identify your own values and goals. What is most important to you? What are your goals for your life? There are no wrong answers. And don’t limit yourself by thinking a dream is impossible or you’ve waited too long to make it happen. If you want it, you can devise a plan to make it happen. If you don’t dream, it can never happen for you.
After you’ve identified your values and goals, use them as guides so that as your schedule opens up, you can take small steps to reach these goals.
Dancing in the moment is a coaching skill. It means you relish the moment, letting it take you where it will. No agenda. No pressure. Let it be. And just be yourself.
The more organized, structured, or controlling you are, the harder it’s going to be for you to take this all in stride and not go crazy from the stress. I see burn-out frequently. If you are a highly structured person, you can try a number of things to help you live in the moment.
• Look for someone who takes life in stride and model his or her behavior. Ask for advice on specific situations.
• Make a weekly date with a friend and talk about what’s going on so you can verbally process everything.
• Consider seeing a life coach or therapist. A therapist can collaborate on the issues of your past that affect your behavior, attitudes, and self-esteem. A life coach looks forward with you, not into your past in any depth.
• Take up journaling. Much of the battle is acknowledging your true feelings and identifying the true cause of those feelings. Once you delve a bit deeper into the real cause, you’ll calm down. The issue is the confusion and vagueness around the emotions.
Decide how you will best process your emotions ahead of time so you get into the habit of taking care of yourself. What I mean is: When the situation is too much for you, how will you relieve stress? These life changes go on for a while. The change happens, but it’s the transition into the next chapter that is exciting and frustrating at the same time. There’s not much you can do to speed it up, and in that sense, it is similar to the grieving process. And you may in fact be doing some grieving, too, for another person, for a part of yourself, or for a chapter of life you’ve loved and are moving beyond now but will miss.
You may feel as if you need to continually focus on the transition to get through it. Don’t lose yourself in this time. Take time to relax, to just be, to figure out the root causes of your emotions. Meditate, walk, punch a punching bag, read, pray, or listen to music—do whatever you usually do to keep your calm.
Have other people help you keep your daily commitment to yourself. Keep that “alone” time. It’s useful for you, if not necessary for your health, and you’ll be a stronger caregiver, parent, or whatever role you need to play.
So you’ve mapped it all out and you’re moving ahead creating your next chapter. And then real life sets in again, and it gets harder to keep to your plan. If you find yourself rushed, missing appointments, or running out of time, think about your time in relation to the Three Ps—people, products and process (see chapter three). What’s your diagnosis of the issue with your time? An accurate diagnosis is key to figuring out which solution to use. Here are some typical time management issues and solutions.
Where do you keep track of your appointments? Are they all listed in one calendar? Do you have two calendars? Do you write things on slips of paper? Set a limit with yourself—only use one calendar and write every appointment in it. This may seem strict, but in the long run, it is far easier to manage one calendar that has all of your events in it.
If you find your calendar doesn’t help you keep track of appointments, perhaps you are using the wrong type of calendar. Calendars come in a wide variety of formats, from daily to weekly to monthly to quarterly, all on one page. If you use a daily view, maybe you’re losing the forest through the trees, so try a weekly view instead. If you want to use your calendar as your place to list all your to-do’s, the other things that don’t have an appointment time, choose a format that has a list capability or space at the top or bottom of the pages for notes. Or if you love the calendar except for the lack of a notes section, add a notepad into the calendar or clip paper to one of the covers so you have your list.
Or maybe you’re using technology for your calendar. If that’s the case, be sure everyone in your family or household has a way to see the calendar, too. If you carry your calendar on a smartphone, sync it with the family computer so everyone can see the calendar. Or maybe everyone in the house uses the same technology; for example, everyone uses a smartphone device. Make sure the other members know how to sync their devices and that your settings are only one person’s responsibility so there are no mix-ups. The easiest option I’ve found is to “invite” household members to appointments they need to know about or need to be part of. So in my case, all of my evening classes, business meetings, or personal appointments include my household members as invitees, but it’s really just for their information. This way, if I forget to communicate about an evening I’m out, at least that appointment shows up on all calendars. It’s a safeguard and a planning tool; it does not replace communication.
Carry your calendar with you all the time, even around the house. Put it alongside other items you always take with you when you leave your home (purse, wallet, keys, glasses, or cell phone). If you forget the calendar and someone wants to book an appointment, call the person later when you have your calendar in front of you and can stop to think about what day and time would be best. When we make fast decisions about appointment times, we set ourselves up to be rushed and overbooked.
Make it a point once a week to review your upcoming week, whether you live on your own or with others. Saturday or Sunday is a good day to do this. The meeting means you will have more time for any necessary prep work such as making special purchases for the week, setting up a car pool, or scheduling an appointment. If you live with others, make sure everyone is around when you review the upcoming week. Also quickly check in each day in case something has changed. The best time to do this is at dinner or later in the evening. Have the calendar handy and ask everyone to go over their schedules for the next day. Even with calendars and written appointments, some people keep their schedule in their heads, so you still need to communicate changes.
Check to be sure you have “departure time” listed for all appointments. Often, we put the appointment start time on the calendar and forget that we have to allow ourselves time to get to the appointment. What time do you need to leave the house to make it to your appointment on time? Time yourself one day to see how long it typically takes you to get ready and leave the house. Then add that time and travel time to the calendar. It could look like this: Volunteer at library at 2:30, leave house by 1:50. If you will be traveling with young children, an elderly person, or a person with mobility issues, double the time you expect it to take to travel somewhere. Giving everyone plenty of time will reduce stress and rushing.
Check whether you have enough transition or travel time in between places you need to be. Just as you write the travel time on your calendar, write an end time on your calendar. Even if you are cleaning the house in the morning before an appointment, set a time when you will finish so you have time to get yourself ready and head out the door on time. We all fall into the habit of thinking, One more thing before I leave. A favorite phrase I use for myself is, “Do one less thing,” because I’m always tempted to squeeze in one more task.
Do you find yourself forgetting items you need to take with you when you leave the house? Do you consistently run back into the house after getting in the car because you’ve forgotten something? Establish a consistent place for the things you need to take with you each day as you leave. This can be, for example, a bench near your front door, a series of hooks behind the closet door or on the hallway wall, or the top shelf of the front hall closet. Get those items together the night before; most people find it easier to think about the details the night before and not in the morning when we have less time to get out the door and may not be fully awake. Once you have this place established, return items to it as soon as you enter your home so you don’t need to hunt them down later. See my example on page 51 for an idea of how this works.
If you can’t figure out where your time goes, keep track for a day. Record what you did each quarter hour or at least half hour. Sometimes we’re doing much more than we knew. Or it can be that an activity or task took more time than we realized.
Do you find yourself squeezing in time for grocery shopping or cleaning, and it’s always too rushed? Try selecting two days or evenings a week as “shopping time” or “cleaning time.” I suggest two because most people’s schedules are too variable to use the same day/time each week. But having an alternate works. Or, review your schedule every Sunday night and plot in when you’ll shop or clean; make it an appointment you keep.
I hope this chapter answered your question of “How am I going to get through this?” with some time management techniques. Imagine if you were to let your time and your schedule run your life during this tough time. Wouldn’t that be just one more stressor on top of an already-tough situation you’re in? Gaining some control over your time will reduce your stress and will help you feel like you do have some control over your life at this time. Remember, you already had a busy life before this life-changing event occurred. You’re piling on more responsibilities, when you already had a full plate, so try some of the ideas in this chapter. Make them your own so they work for you in your own situation.